(This chapter is dedicated to the brothers who played but never got paid.
Hello everyone, and welcome to chapter 3 "A good man is hard to drag." Now
I know many of you don't like Shrient, if for no other reason then their
very presence implies that the Weiß Kreuz characters might actually
be...::Gasp::.... straight. Which of course, is highly problematic when
many of you are.........how should I put this..........trying to get off by
reading about two guys getting jiggy with it. Rest assured that I will do
my best to portray Shrient in the most humorous light possible. Thereby,
not forcing any of you to take them too seriously. And I know what else the
thousands upon thousands of my fans are asking themselves, "Gee Don, are we
going to see anymore of that amazing Red Dog, the most developed character
in the fic?" Fear not loyal fans, Red Dog will return armed with her usual
witty quips, such as "I'm going to get some Crawfish." All in all, I
promise this chapter won't leave a diet after-taste in your mouth.)
It was just another normal day at the cosmetics shop. The artificial lights were glaring, the recorded bird sounds from the rainforest themed cafe next store were singing, and the cross dressing middle aged men were harassing the Schrient (Please don't stone me if I spelled that wrong) girls about hair removal cream, all the while visualizing themselves to be as beautiful as the Schrient girls.
Everything was in its redundantly typical place.........unfortunately for Schrient, redundantly typical was ridiculously weird.
The Schrient girls changed clothes often, but due to financial difficulties as a result of the death of Masafumi (Or however death works in Weiß Kreuz), the Schrient girls were forced to wear their battle clothes all the time.
Hell was in her usual dominatrix themed lab coat and glasses. I guess when you have a name like Hell a t-shirt and a pair of jeans just doesn't cut it. And as usual she was armed with her little...knife.......helicopter thingies.
Then there was Schion. Schion was in that stupid twisty outfit that made her look like Princess Lolli from candy land. The fact that her whip looked like it was made of licorice didn't really help either.
Tot was in a bunny costume. I guess Tot felt the need to wear a respectable outfit that reflected she was a modern intelligent woman.......AHAHAHAHAHAHA.....ok I'll stop. If it weren't for the incredible amount of hair glue in Tot's hair, her head would surely float away. Tot was also carrying her umbrella with the knife in it. I actually have an umbrella by a company called Totes, isn't that cool how Weiß parallels my life.
Asuka.......uh....I mean.....Neu had her usual visor that made her look like a moped power ranger. Neu was armed with fist and feet to show that the writers couldn't think of any new weapons past Hell. She wore blue lipstick to reflect that she was always feeling........blue.
The scene now shifts to Schion helping a particularly fat middle aged man named Ralph into a pink dress with hearts that say "its all me" on the butt of it.
Ralph was unsure of the way he looked and asked Schion "Do you think this dress makes me look fat?"
Schion was irritated and replied "For the last time Ralph, its not the dress that makes you look fat.......it's the fat that makes you look fat."
"But what if I tuck it in like......" but before Ralph could finish--
"No Ralph, you still look like a sea cow."
Then Ralph began to cry and started to run out of the store. "You're so insensitive!!!"
Schion pulled out her whip and threw it at his leg causing him to fall. "Nice try Ralph, but you're still going to have to pay for that dress."
Ralph snapped his fingers. "Damn."
Then another unattractive man walked up to Hell and asked. "I love what you did with your hair and your make-up. How can I get myself to look like you?"
Hell just simply replied, "Try being reincarnated as something that doesn't walk on hoofs."
The unattractive man pulled out a flipbook and wrote "No Hoofs." Then he looked up and smiled "Alright, thanks for the advice."
Neu was helping a very thin, tall man with really straggly blonde hair try on a particularly skanky dress. Neu thought to herself "This feels so familiar." She then had a flash of someone with straggly blond hair winking at his reflection in the mirror while wearing a dress that was almost identical. He then burned himself on the crotch with his cigarette.
Tot was the only Schrient member who seemed to enjoy herself. She had always wished that she could dress the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in pretty girl clothes, and now she finally had the chance. Tot bounced up and down while helping a customer.
"Oh Oh you look so pretty!!!"
The man simply replied "Uh....actually.....the rhinestones of this dress are kind of stabbing me.....I mean they're actually starting to draw blood......and......."
Tot took out her umbrella, grabbed the man, and pointed the umbrella to his neck, while almost grinding her teeth "I SAID you look so PRETTY!!!"
Fearing for his life "I'll take it."
Tot was happy. "Wow, you really like it?"
Schion walked up to Hell to bitch and whine as usual.
"Goddman them!! They killed Masafumi....and now.....now WE have to do all the work!!"
Hell understood her pain and felt like bitching back "Yeah things were a lot easier when we had Masafumi around."
Schion still clenching her fist, "Yeah, I remember, and he REALLY liked running this shop too. And it was great, because then I didn't have to do it."
Neu darkly added "We had things a lot easier at home too."
Flash back:
Hell: Masafumi get your ass in that kitchen and make me a sandwich NOW bitch!!
Masafumi: Yes Hell, right away Hell. ::Masafumi runs like the dickens::
Schion: Hey Masafumi, this hair isn't going to put ITSELF up in a cone shaped beehive, you know.
Masafumi: I understand Schion, right away Schion.
Neu: ::Is one foot away from a garbage can and drops a can she has just finished drinking onto the floor:: Masafumi, put that can in the trash.
Masafumi: ::While doing all the BITCH work he thinks to himself:: Ha ha, they used to laugh at me in school for not having any chicks. HA HA NOW WHO HAS ALL THE CHICKS.
Schion: ::Whips Masafumi:: You call this kitchen floor clean?
Masafumi: Oww, no of course not Schion.
Hell: Masafumi! entertain Tot while we.......discuss.........things.
Masafumi: OOOh, why can't I ever come to one of the......discussions.
Schion: ::Whips Masafumi again:: Because we SAID SO BITCH.
Masafumi: ::Slowly and sadly walks over to Tot.:: Hello Tot. Can we play anything except your favorite game?
Tot: Hmmm ::Wonders to herself for a minute:: Lets play.....MY FAVORITE GAME.
Masafumi: NO NOT.....
Tot: ::Smiles happily:: YES!!! LETS PLAY USE DADDY'S HEAD AS A DRUM!! ::Tot beats the hell (I mean the place of eternal damnation, not the Schrient character) out of Masafumi singing, "TOT IS SO GREAT TOT IS SO GREAT!!!"::
Meanwhile the Schrient girls have a...."Private meeting"
::End Flash Back::
They all sighed in remembrance. Hell then said "Now that Masafumi isn't here, Tot is starting to get suspicious when we......" Suddenly she notices Tot coming up to listen. "When you guys what?" Tot asked with an empty headed look on her face.
Hell stammered, "Uh.....we'll tell you when.....you're not a.......dumbass anymore."
Tot furrowed her brow as if she really understood something deep and nodded. "Oh ok. HEY LOOK, I MADE MY HAIR REALLY HARD." To demonstrate this point Tot took one of the display bottles of perfume and broke it over her hair.
Hell just replied, "Uh....thats nice Tot.....why don't you go look at that shiny object over there."
Tot was full of joy, "oooOOOoooo SHINY OBJECT!!!" Tot scampered off after the shiny object.
Neu, still being dark, because that's what she does, replied, "You realize that one day she'll be a prize in a UFO catcher, right?"
All the members of Schrient nod in agreement. Then Schion complained, "God I hate working this stupid cover job. We don't even get to keep the money we make from it. It sure would help in paying for the bare necessities"
Hell then added, "Not to mention all the hair glue and cosmetics we use."
Schion still frustrated at their circumstances. "LIKE I SAID, the BARE NECESSITIES."
Hell just rolled her eyes, "Uh........yeah....Anyway, that's why we have to stay sharp in our free lance assassin job."
Schion just bitched as usual "God I hate how we have to work for that crappy organization Shittiker."
Neu resented the work too, "If only there were some way we could eliminate all of these ugly men from coming to bother us. Then we could just sit and relax."
Schion asked, "How the hell are all these ugly guys finding out about this place anyway?"
"They keep putting out flyers at that cross dresser's bar called The CUMQUAT."
The response came from the mysterious agent of....HEY WAIT A MINUTE.....THATS RED DOG, The lovable, old, fat, ugly, hobbling, crawfish- eating old lady we remember from Schwartz-- Is she a double agent? What roll will she play in all this Wackdom!!???
Red Dog walked up to the girls and said "But now is not the time to worry about that. Charlie has sent you a new mission."
Tot walked up to everyone and pouted, "I couldn't find the shiny object"
Hell:..........
Schion...........
Neu:..............
Red Dog:..............I'm going to get some crawfish
The scene now shifts to Tot's room. The pretty, pink, plastic, panda décor was so bright it would have made a blind man flinch. Everyone is wearing 3- D glasses while watching the screen.
Schion: Why do we have to wear these stupid glasses!?
Charlie: It makes everything look cool. Anyway, Angels, I have a new mission for you.
Neu: Goddamn it we're Schrient, we're not Angels.
Charlie: Oh right. Anyway I want you to........
Hell: Shove your damn mission up your ass. We're tired of working this stupid cover job!!!
Charlie: Uh......well....You guys have to have a ........
Hell: We're going to the Cumquat to silence those assholes that keep giving us a hard time.
Tot: ::Clutches her Panda:: I LOVE PANDA!!!!!
Charlie: Hey....come on you're supposed to........
Hell: Shut up, were going to the Cumquat and that's final.
All of Schrient walks away, including Tot who clutches onto her Panda singing, "Panda go Panda go Panda"
Charlie: Can you guys bring me back some chips?
Neu: Sure
Charlie: Hunters of the Aqua turquoise greenish sort of a blue..........Deny these ugly men their right to look pretty.......and pick up some chips on the way back.
(Schrient then sets off to do some damage to the Cumquat, and to pick up some chips on the way back. With Weiß on a mission, Schwartz high, and Schrient majorly pissed about having to do house work, what sort of crazy shenanigans are these three going to pull? And what role will the mysterious Red Dog play in all this calamity? Stay tuned. Same Weiß time. Same Weiß channel........or whenever I write the next chapter.)
::Commercial Break::
Hell: Tot, do you know where my SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S ALLRIGHTS RESERVED MULTIGRAINED WAFFLES are?
Tot: ::In the other room holding Hell's waffle:: Uh......no.... I don't know where your SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES are?
Hell: You mean you don't know where my SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES, that are part of this balanced breakfast, and are the most delicious way to start your day, are?
Tot: Why no I have absolutely no clue where your SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES that come in 5 delicious flavors like strawberry, apple, peach, grape, and kumquat, and can easily be heated in the toaster or microwave, are. ::Starts to eat the waffle::
Hell: ::Walks into the room where Tot is:: TOT!!!
Tot: ::Quickly shoves the waffle in her mouth and smiles with a an adorable stuffed face and says in a muffled voice:: I wdidn't wdoo wit.
Hell: ::gives a particularly corny smirk: Oh Tot
Tot: ::Smiles::
(SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES. They taste like shit, but Schrient endorses them. Won't you like them just for that reason alone?)
It was just another normal day at the cosmetics shop. The artificial lights were glaring, the recorded bird sounds from the rainforest themed cafe next store were singing, and the cross dressing middle aged men were harassing the Schrient (Please don't stone me if I spelled that wrong) girls about hair removal cream, all the while visualizing themselves to be as beautiful as the Schrient girls.
Everything was in its redundantly typical place.........unfortunately for Schrient, redundantly typical was ridiculously weird.
The Schrient girls changed clothes often, but due to financial difficulties as a result of the death of Masafumi (Or however death works in Weiß Kreuz), the Schrient girls were forced to wear their battle clothes all the time.
Hell was in her usual dominatrix themed lab coat and glasses. I guess when you have a name like Hell a t-shirt and a pair of jeans just doesn't cut it. And as usual she was armed with her little...knife.......helicopter thingies.
Then there was Schion. Schion was in that stupid twisty outfit that made her look like Princess Lolli from candy land. The fact that her whip looked like it was made of licorice didn't really help either.
Tot was in a bunny costume. I guess Tot felt the need to wear a respectable outfit that reflected she was a modern intelligent woman.......AHAHAHAHAHAHA.....ok I'll stop. If it weren't for the incredible amount of hair glue in Tot's hair, her head would surely float away. Tot was also carrying her umbrella with the knife in it. I actually have an umbrella by a company called Totes, isn't that cool how Weiß parallels my life.
Asuka.......uh....I mean.....Neu had her usual visor that made her look like a moped power ranger. Neu was armed with fist and feet to show that the writers couldn't think of any new weapons past Hell. She wore blue lipstick to reflect that she was always feeling........blue.
The scene now shifts to Schion helping a particularly fat middle aged man named Ralph into a pink dress with hearts that say "its all me" on the butt of it.
Ralph was unsure of the way he looked and asked Schion "Do you think this dress makes me look fat?"
Schion was irritated and replied "For the last time Ralph, its not the dress that makes you look fat.......it's the fat that makes you look fat."
"But what if I tuck it in like......" but before Ralph could finish--
"No Ralph, you still look like a sea cow."
Then Ralph began to cry and started to run out of the store. "You're so insensitive!!!"
Schion pulled out her whip and threw it at his leg causing him to fall. "Nice try Ralph, but you're still going to have to pay for that dress."
Ralph snapped his fingers. "Damn."
Then another unattractive man walked up to Hell and asked. "I love what you did with your hair and your make-up. How can I get myself to look like you?"
Hell just simply replied, "Try being reincarnated as something that doesn't walk on hoofs."
The unattractive man pulled out a flipbook and wrote "No Hoofs." Then he looked up and smiled "Alright, thanks for the advice."
Neu was helping a very thin, tall man with really straggly blonde hair try on a particularly skanky dress. Neu thought to herself "This feels so familiar." She then had a flash of someone with straggly blond hair winking at his reflection in the mirror while wearing a dress that was almost identical. He then burned himself on the crotch with his cigarette.
Tot was the only Schrient member who seemed to enjoy herself. She had always wished that she could dress the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in pretty girl clothes, and now she finally had the chance. Tot bounced up and down while helping a customer.
"Oh Oh you look so pretty!!!"
The man simply replied "Uh....actually.....the rhinestones of this dress are kind of stabbing me.....I mean they're actually starting to draw blood......and......."
Tot took out her umbrella, grabbed the man, and pointed the umbrella to his neck, while almost grinding her teeth "I SAID you look so PRETTY!!!"
Fearing for his life "I'll take it."
Tot was happy. "Wow, you really like it?"
Schion walked up to Hell to bitch and whine as usual.
"Goddman them!! They killed Masafumi....and now.....now WE have to do all the work!!"
Hell understood her pain and felt like bitching back "Yeah things were a lot easier when we had Masafumi around."
Schion still clenching her fist, "Yeah, I remember, and he REALLY liked running this shop too. And it was great, because then I didn't have to do it."
Neu darkly added "We had things a lot easier at home too."
Flash back:
Hell: Masafumi get your ass in that kitchen and make me a sandwich NOW bitch!!
Masafumi: Yes Hell, right away Hell. ::Masafumi runs like the dickens::
Schion: Hey Masafumi, this hair isn't going to put ITSELF up in a cone shaped beehive, you know.
Masafumi: I understand Schion, right away Schion.
Neu: ::Is one foot away from a garbage can and drops a can she has just finished drinking onto the floor:: Masafumi, put that can in the trash.
Masafumi: ::While doing all the BITCH work he thinks to himself:: Ha ha, they used to laugh at me in school for not having any chicks. HA HA NOW WHO HAS ALL THE CHICKS.
Schion: ::Whips Masafumi:: You call this kitchen floor clean?
Masafumi: Oww, no of course not Schion.
Hell: Masafumi! entertain Tot while we.......discuss.........things.
Masafumi: OOOh, why can't I ever come to one of the......discussions.
Schion: ::Whips Masafumi again:: Because we SAID SO BITCH.
Masafumi: ::Slowly and sadly walks over to Tot.:: Hello Tot. Can we play anything except your favorite game?
Tot: Hmmm ::Wonders to herself for a minute:: Lets play.....MY FAVORITE GAME.
Masafumi: NO NOT.....
Tot: ::Smiles happily:: YES!!! LETS PLAY USE DADDY'S HEAD AS A DRUM!! ::Tot beats the hell (I mean the place of eternal damnation, not the Schrient character) out of Masafumi singing, "TOT IS SO GREAT TOT IS SO GREAT!!!"::
Meanwhile the Schrient girls have a...."Private meeting"
::End Flash Back::
They all sighed in remembrance. Hell then said "Now that Masafumi isn't here, Tot is starting to get suspicious when we......" Suddenly she notices Tot coming up to listen. "When you guys what?" Tot asked with an empty headed look on her face.
Hell stammered, "Uh.....we'll tell you when.....you're not a.......dumbass anymore."
Tot furrowed her brow as if she really understood something deep and nodded. "Oh ok. HEY LOOK, I MADE MY HAIR REALLY HARD." To demonstrate this point Tot took one of the display bottles of perfume and broke it over her hair.
Hell just replied, "Uh....thats nice Tot.....why don't you go look at that shiny object over there."
Tot was full of joy, "oooOOOoooo SHINY OBJECT!!!" Tot scampered off after the shiny object.
Neu, still being dark, because that's what she does, replied, "You realize that one day she'll be a prize in a UFO catcher, right?"
All the members of Schrient nod in agreement. Then Schion complained, "God I hate working this stupid cover job. We don't even get to keep the money we make from it. It sure would help in paying for the bare necessities"
Hell then added, "Not to mention all the hair glue and cosmetics we use."
Schion still frustrated at their circumstances. "LIKE I SAID, the BARE NECESSITIES."
Hell just rolled her eyes, "Uh........yeah....Anyway, that's why we have to stay sharp in our free lance assassin job."
Schion just bitched as usual "God I hate how we have to work for that crappy organization Shittiker."
Neu resented the work too, "If only there were some way we could eliminate all of these ugly men from coming to bother us. Then we could just sit and relax."
Schion asked, "How the hell are all these ugly guys finding out about this place anyway?"
"They keep putting out flyers at that cross dresser's bar called The CUMQUAT."
The response came from the mysterious agent of....HEY WAIT A MINUTE.....THATS RED DOG, The lovable, old, fat, ugly, hobbling, crawfish- eating old lady we remember from Schwartz-- Is she a double agent? What roll will she play in all this Wackdom!!???
Red Dog walked up to the girls and said "But now is not the time to worry about that. Charlie has sent you a new mission."
Tot walked up to everyone and pouted, "I couldn't find the shiny object"
Hell:..........
Schion...........
Neu:..............
Red Dog:..............I'm going to get some crawfish
The scene now shifts to Tot's room. The pretty, pink, plastic, panda décor was so bright it would have made a blind man flinch. Everyone is wearing 3- D glasses while watching the screen.
Schion: Why do we have to wear these stupid glasses!?
Charlie: It makes everything look cool. Anyway, Angels, I have a new mission for you.
Neu: Goddamn it we're Schrient, we're not Angels.
Charlie: Oh right. Anyway I want you to........
Hell: Shove your damn mission up your ass. We're tired of working this stupid cover job!!!
Charlie: Uh......well....You guys have to have a ........
Hell: We're going to the Cumquat to silence those assholes that keep giving us a hard time.
Tot: ::Clutches her Panda:: I LOVE PANDA!!!!!
Charlie: Hey....come on you're supposed to........
Hell: Shut up, were going to the Cumquat and that's final.
All of Schrient walks away, including Tot who clutches onto her Panda singing, "Panda go Panda go Panda"
Charlie: Can you guys bring me back some chips?
Neu: Sure
Charlie: Hunters of the Aqua turquoise greenish sort of a blue..........Deny these ugly men their right to look pretty.......and pick up some chips on the way back.
(Schrient then sets off to do some damage to the Cumquat, and to pick up some chips on the way back. With Weiß on a mission, Schwartz high, and Schrient majorly pissed about having to do house work, what sort of crazy shenanigans are these three going to pull? And what role will the mysterious Red Dog play in all this calamity? Stay tuned. Same Weiß time. Same Weiß channel........or whenever I write the next chapter.)
::Commercial Break::
Hell: Tot, do you know where my SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S ALLRIGHTS RESERVED MULTIGRAINED WAFFLES are?
Tot: ::In the other room holding Hell's waffle:: Uh......no.... I don't know where your SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES are?
Hell: You mean you don't know where my SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES, that are part of this balanced breakfast, and are the most delicious way to start your day, are?
Tot: Why no I have absolutely no clue where your SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES that come in 5 delicious flavors like strawberry, apple, peach, grape, and kumquat, and can easily be heated in the toaster or microwave, are. ::Starts to eat the waffle::
Hell: ::Walks into the room where Tot is:: TOT!!!
Tot: ::Quickly shoves the waffle in her mouth and smiles with a an adorable stuffed face and says in a muffled voice:: I wdidn't wdoo wit.
Hell: ::gives a particularly corny smirk: Oh Tot
Tot: ::Smiles::
(SUPER ULTRA DELICIOUS KELLOG'S MULTIGRAIN WAFFLES. They taste like shit, but Schrient endorses them. Won't you like them just for that reason alone?)