Again, I'm not going to bother with niceties like RL correctness and what language they're all speaking -- let alone how they manage to understand one another. Call it the magic of fanfiction. Worse, I'm not going to bother about what time they're in. So go figure.
And... because this is a humor fic, characterization is bastardized (*cough* Alucard *cough*). It doesn't help that I haven't written Hellsing fics prior to this...
Dedicated to kit -- For all manga you've pimped for me, especially the Hellsing ones.
A Season In Hell
Chapter 1 -- Where the Hell are we?
Warning : Yaoi implications.
The Sanzo-ikkou sloshed through the outskirts of town, and because the fanfic author doesn't know what the place looks like and you aren't interested in the scenery anyway, they eventually ended up in the city center, near a hotel.
"This has to be the weirdest inn I've seen," Goku commented.
"It's not an inn," Gojyo replied. "It's a hoteru [1]."
[1] Clash of the languages -- a 'Hotel', if you were wondering.
At this point, a mysterious stranger popped by and popped Babel fishes [2] into their ears, correcting their speech patterns.
[2] Babel fish -- shamelessly stolen from Douglas Adams : A fish versed in all languages of the universe and the multiverse. Having one in your ear allows you to understand everyone, and speak their language.
"A hotel," Goku said. "Looks like a posh inn to me."
"It is," Sanzo answered, and sloshed into the lobby.
People stared as they squelched by, leaving puddles in their wake. Sanzo paused to wring out his robe, and a tourist took a photograph, sent it home, proudly proclaiming that he had seen a waterfall.
Unfazed by the attention they were garnering, the priest stepped up to the front desk. "Four rooms."
"Single occupancy, sir?"
And because this is a humor fic, and sf finds this things funny, Gojyo and Hakkai mysteriously opted to room together to 'Save on expenses'. And consented to take a room with a double bed, so that all of them could be lodged on the same floor.
"Your sacrifice is greatly appreciated," Sanzo said, but he was amused as well.
As they turned to leave, the receptionist frowned, staring at Gojyo.
Gojyo winked back.
"Excuse me sir..." the girl said.
"I'm free tonight," Gojyo drawled, leaning against the counter and leaving more puddles. "And I have this--"
"But we have to discuss tomorrow's route," Hakkai said mildly, drawing his companion away and accidently trodding heavily on his toes. "Besides," he added in a whisper, "Your pickup lines have degenerated beyond the point of no return."
"Actually... I was..." the receptionist looked slightly embarrassed, but her expression was one of worry. "You're... a... you have red eyes..."
"It's always the eyes, isn't it?" Gojyo said in disgust.
Two guards appeared behind the counter. "We don't allow your kind here."
"Listen, buddy," Gojyo said, when Hakkai pulled him back.
"Perhaps you could tell us what the problem is," he suggested quietly, but the light caught his monocle and reflected off in a very menacing sort of way.
"Look, do I have to spell everything out to you? He's a vampire. Which sane organization is going to let a vampire in?"
There was a pause.
Finally, Goku tugged at Sanzo's sleeve, eliciting another flurry of water droplets. "Ne, Sanzo. What's a vampire? Is it another name for a half youkai?"
Sanzo rolled his eyes. "A mythological creature. One that's supposed to suck blood, usually from virgins."
"Now look... if I had a virgin, blood would be the last thing on my mind!" Gojyo protested.
"But... it's broad daylight," Hakkai said, gesturing at the window. Heads turned, to regard pitch darkness outside, interrupted by occasional flashes of lightning.
"Alright, if not for the clouds, it would be broad daylight," Hakkai amended. "Besides, he doesn't have fangs."
"You would know," Sanzo smirked.
"Yeah. No fangs." Gojyo smiled, and indicated his perfectly normal pearly whites. Several ladies swooned from the glow of his grin. "So, let's just be going, eh?"
"I'm sorry," the receptionist said, truly embarrassed now.
"I know how you can make it up--"
"Gojyo, you have a dinner with an important client tonight," Hakkai said.
"What important client?" Gojyo hissed quietly.
"Me."
"Oh, alright."
***
"Lady Integra. We seem to have a vampire problem." Walter, the butler of the Hellsing household, stepped up to deposit a stack of printouts and photographs on Integra's desk.
While Integra takes some time out to update herself on the situation, we'll take a little bit of time to introduce Walter. He's getting on in years, sports a french style ponytail and a monocle. His official job description is that of a butler, except that he does more than serve food and paper to Integra's desk. Let's just say that his nickname of 'Shinigami', Angel of Death, is well earned.
"The usual," Integra curled her lip in disgust. "Some stupid vampire on the loose."
"Except that this one appears to be operating in London itself."
"Which just makes it easier to settle him. Has he created any ghouls as yet?"
"No. He was turned back successfully at a few places, which means that, in recent days, at least, he has not had any victims."
"And if there are no dead, there are no undead," Integra nodded. "Very well, send Alucard to deal with it."
"Me, master?" a familiar voice called, as Alucard popped into existence -- the wrong way round.
"You're standing on the ceiling," Walter pointed out.
"So I am."
"Is there a problem, Alucard?" Integra asked dangerously.
"I'm already on duty. I'm supposed to keep an eye on that lot of weirdos who just drove in. How am I supposed to keep an eye on this vampire as well?"
"You have a lot of eyes. Far too many, actually. Besides, this is a regular job, and shouldn't pose any problems for Hellsing's best vampire... correct?"
Alucard sighed. "We only have two vampires."
"One of which is your fault, and the other of which is you," Integra said. "Now hurry along. You have work to do."
"You could just as well have sent some other regular Hellsing unit," Alucard persisted.
"Shall I say... I have a bad feeling about this?" Integra said nastily.
***
"This city appears to be called 'London'," Hakkai told the group. "It's nowhere on our maps. In fact, we seem to be entirely off them. There isn't a single landmark that I can pinpoint."
Sanzo frowned. "Yet there was no other road leading out of the last town. We couldn't have taken a wrong turn in between."
"I hesistate to press on without knowing which way we're going," Hakkai said. "We need to regain our bearings."
"But we're heading west! All we need to do is to follow the sun," Goku offered.
"Not if we're too far west," Gojyo told him. "We might have overshot entirely. Considering how long we've been on the road... that would suck royally."
"Sanzo?" Hakkai said, deferring the decision to the priest.
"It looks like we're stuck here until we can find out where this 'London' place is." Sanzo scowled. "And, more importantly, how we managed to end up in such a quaint area."
"It's very odd," Goku agreed. "We've never seen any place quite like this before."
"It hasn't rained quite as much anywhere else either," Gojyo grumbled. "And it's damn cold."
"Enough whining," Sanzo sighed. "We'll discuss this tomorrow. All of you -- out."
*
When the rest had departed, Sanzo leaned back against the headboard of the bed and sighed. The rain looked like it wasn't about to abate any time soon. He was sorely tempted to wait it out, preferably with a large bottle of sake. Two things stopped him : the first, a blank look from the hotel staff when he had requested sake; the second, the fact that they were all dog tired after tramping merrily around the country side all day.
And thirdly, he had a bad feeling that the fanfic author was trying to make him doze off, just so that bad things could happen when he did.
Eventually, at the fanfic author's incessant prodding, he decided to chance sleep, nightmares, and the evil whims of fanfic authors.
Midnight came and went without a whisper.
It was closer to two in the morning that a great winged shape [1] alighted upon the window sill. The catch, on the inside of the window, lifted. Ever so quietly, the window opened.
With a barely audible swish of motion, the apparition slipped into the room, its shape blurring to become a humanoid one. Red eyes gleamed in the darkness.
And widened with surprise as a gun barrel jabbed into the side of its head.
"You're late," Sanzo said in disgust.
"What... what? You're..."
"Isn't midnight the stipulated hour? And here you had me waking early and sacrificing sleep just to accomodate your tardiness. You are two hours late, mister!"
"We're allowed to attack any time between midnight and six! And you're... not a female?" the vampire squeaked.
Sanzo's brow furrowed. "What?"
"You're not a female virgin [2]? But I thought... the face, the hair..."
Said face darkened. "For that... mistake, you can go and look for your brains in the gutter." He clicked the trigger.
With a scream and a crash, the one time undead fell to the floor. To save on the clean up, the corpse disintegrated into fine white powder that disintegrated into even more powder, until nothing was left.
[1] Yes, so the average vampire in Hellsing is not a shape-shifter. I'm more interested in dramatic impact than actual continuity at this point.
[2] I am not commenting on the virgin part.
Sanzo hefted a sigh. "Well, now that that's settled--"
"Situation B : Target in contact with civilians," a voice boomed out of nowhere.
Sanzo spun, as Alucard materialized in the room. "What, another one?" the priest exclaimed in disgust.
Alucard, for his part, was busy trying to figure out where his target was. Vampirific eyesight scanned the room, but there was no sign of his quarry. He glanced at the priest. "Did a vampire happen to pass by these parts?"
"Passed by these parts, and passed out in parts," Sanzo said. "Now kindly get out of my room before I shoot you as well."
Alucard scratched his head in honest frustration. "You're not a normal human, are you?"
"I'm glad you noticed."
"You're dressed funny."
There was a long pause. Sanzo glanced at his robes, then glanced at Alucard's brilliant red overcoat. "Speak for yourself."
"No, this is just wrong," Alucard muttered. "It was supposed to be a simple mission -- search and destroy a stupid target, save a damsel in distress, possibly get another pretty female vampire ..."
Sanzo's right cheek was developing its trademark tic. "I .. am... not ... a damsel, damn you!"
"You're not?" The second surprise of the evening. "But... the dress..."
"I swear... all of you are morons!" Sanzo fumed. "Get out of here! NOW!"
"What a letdown," Alucard grumbled, highly annoyed by the whole issue. "And it was such a nice night too." With a swirl of red and black, he vanished from the room.
***
Somewhere, in another building...
"A bad feeling, Lady Integra?" Alucard practically snarled. "The victim took out the attacker and turned out to be a male as well!"
"A male?" Integra stared closely at the photograph again. "I could have sworn... it must be the strange garments."
"You know, hair length aside, he looks a lot like you," Alucard noted. "He has the same attitude problem."
"Shut up, Alucard," Integra said gravely.
***
TBC
***