Dedicated to kit, my sponser for various dinners ^^.
When shortening the title of the fic, I realized that it came up to ASIH. This could be re-written as A S/H -- a Saiyuki / Hellsing crossover. And FF.net assigned this fic the number 1166627. Tis extraordinarily cool...
I wound the 'on crack' factor down a few notches on this fic. The original featured rabid, slathering fangirls, amongst other things.
A Season In Hell
Chapter 2 -- Who the Hell are you?
Somewhere, on the outskirts of the city...
"Hey! What's that?"
"What are they?"
"They don't look human!"
"Actually, they might have been human... once..."
"I don't know! Get out of their way!"
The townspeople cowered in fright as the gray legions swept through the streets, crying out in fell voices.
"Fresh... meat..."
***
"Sanzo? Sanzo, I think something's coming!"
Sanzo glanced at the golden eyed youth. Years of working with Goku had impressed upon him that ignoring the kid's warnings was a bad, bad idea.
The two had been standing the middle of a busy street. As soon as the first of the distant cries had been heard, the street had miraculously emptied itself. The people had drained out of it like water through a sieve, except that even water wasn't usually in such a hurry to leave.
A cold wind gusted down.
"Youkai?" Sanzo queried, pausing to stub out his cigarette and draw his Smith and Wesson.
"I don't know.. I can't sense any youryoku. It's different... more scary, somehow. More... dead."
At those words, the apparitions flooded around the corner.
They might have been humans. Once. Now, their clothes were gray rags, their original shape long lost. They moved, but were no longer alive. A fell cold radiated from them. With hungry wails, they descended upon the duo in the middle of the street.
"Sanzo! Sanzo what are they?" Goku's alarmed cry cut above the bone-chilling keening of the creatures. Extending a thought, he summoned Nyoibou.
"I don't think they can be killed by common means," Sanzo replied softly, but he thumbed the safety off his revolver anyway.
The creatures had surrounded them entirely now. Without warning, they leapt forward. Their cries became words.
"Buy! Buy! Buy!"
"You need a new health policy!"
"Three thousand pounds for a month's full automobile coverage!"
"Ch'," Sanzo growled. "Insurance salesmen."
"They're evil!" Goku cried, as the apparitions crowded around, pleading and cajoling. He swiped at them with Nyoibou, driving back a few, but more emerged from the crowd.
"Take a pamphlet!" they beseeched him, thrusting pieces of paper in his face.
"Don't touch those!" Sanzo snapped. "Or the rest will spam you to death!" Raising the gun, he fired an exorcised bullet through one's head. With a blood curdling scream, it disintegrated. The rest pulled back, circling cautiously.
"Begone, foul creatures," Sanzo ordered. "You're already dead. You're not going to sell any more of your foul policies and cheat innocents."
The crowd murmured in dismay.
Then the shuffle of footsteps were heard. The spectres glanced behind, and several pulled away to provide passage. One of them -- walking, not floating, his gray suit still respectable -- was dragging himself towards them. "I am still alive," he gasped.
"Never seen anyone with a complexion that gray," Goku muttered.
"Please... just one... just one..." he beseeched Goku, extending bony hands.
"I don't have any money," Goku said nervously, glancing at Sanzo.
"Damn things," Sanzo muttered. Pushing Goku aside, he faced the newcomer. "Do you offer travel insurance?" he demanded.
There were gasps of shock from the spectator spectres.
"I have just the thing--"
"I want a detailed run-down of your coverage of injuries."
The salesman extended a piece of paper. Sanzo moved to read it, but did not touch it.
"We cover all hospitalization fees," the salesman said hopefully.
"Alright. I'll take the full policy," Sanzo replied.
"Sanzo! No!" Goku yelled. "They'll devour you!" Around them, there was a buzz of excitement from misty shapes.
Sanzo shot him a glare, and pulled out a list. "Incidently, this was my track record, if you were interested." He offered it to the salesman.
The murmurs around them still abruptly. Suspicious, the salesman glanced up at Sanzo, then took the paper.
Day 5 - Encounter with spider demon. Severe beating.
Day 8 - Fell off cliff. Nearly drowned.
Day 10 - Fell off cliff again. Nearly drowned.
Day 15 - Run in with old friend. Stabbed through the gut. Nearly died.
Day 16 - Run out with same friend. Nearly got strangled. Reopened wounds. Nearly died.
The salesman's hands began to shake.
Day 20 - Multiple centipede bites.
Day 20 (later) - Domestic quarrel with Hakkai. Nearly got strangled. Had to fake death.
Day 22 - Youkai attack. Claw wounds.
Day 24 - Claws wounds infected. Had to operate.
Day 30 - Fell into scorpion demon's trap. Severe beating. Impaled and poisoned. Fight with Son Goku. Multiple ribs fractured.
Day 33 - Coma for 3 days. Internal bleeding.
"Perhaps... just perhaps... you might have made a bad deal," Sanzo said softly. "The rest are documented here..." he reached for a second piece of paper. "That's only the official list. There's still the fanfic injury count..." he produced a whole binder from his spandex space. "Not to mention the second series of the anime..."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" the salesman screamed, clutching his head. "No!!!" Flinging the paper down as if it burned his fingers, he turned and bolted down the street. The rest of the ghosts followed him, wimpering.
When the street was silent once more, Sanzo took a deep breath. "That was too damn close," he muttered.
"Sanzo?" Goku called. "I think Hakkai and Gojyo might have run into trouble."
***
Somewhere in Hellsing mansion.
"Lady Integra, we have a slight problem."
"The Insurance salesmen?"
"No... they appear to be leaving very quickly. Fleeing something, in fact. I will investigate further, but something just as strange occured. It seems that the vampire that was eliminated yesterday did raise a ghoul army, which, for reasons unknown, did not die with his passing. They invaded the city center..."
"How many?" Integra demanded, mentally calculating the damage.
"Thirty, maybe forty."
"Damnit!" her fist crashed into the tabletop. "Get Division One on it right away. Impress on them again the importance of secrecy, especially since this is London itself. Hopefully, the presence of the Insurance salemen will ensure that most are indoors at the moment..."
"My lady, there is no need for that."
"What?"
"The ghoul army was eliminated."
Integra frowned. "Whom by? Alucard would have informed me if he had a hand -- or several -- in the matter..."
"There were two civilians..."
"Alright, Walter. Start from the beginning."
***
Elsewhere.
Alucard, you were supposed to be keeping an eye on them!
I am, came the reply. The ghouls attacked without warning, and before I could intervene, both of them just took out the whole lot. It's terribly bad for me, having all my targets stolen...
Detain them. I'll be flying down in person. And where are the other two?
On their way. Ah, they're here, actually...
"Hello pretty," Alucard winked at Sanzo, as he and Goku as the pair ran up.
"Damn you too," Sanzo snarled.
"Sanzo! Were you attacked too?" Hakkai asked.
"You were attacked?" Sanzo demanded.
"By a group of walking zombies," Gojyo said, sauntering over. "They're so pathetically slow and clumsy that I took out half with one swipe and Hakkai blasted the rest into oblivion."
"Then you didn't see these really creepy creatures that tried to sell you stuff?" Goku asked.
"We saw them running away really quickly," Hakkai smiled. "I take it that Sanzo showed them his medical records?"
"We leave," Sanzo said, ignoring the question.
"Ahem," Alucard said from behind them.
Sanzo turned, his eyes narrowed. "What?"
"There's someone who would like to see you. She'll be here in a moment."
"I don't have time to meet with people," Sanzo said, shaking his head.
"Well, I'll stay, especially if it's a she," Gojyo drawled.
Hakkai flung a companionable arm around Gojyo's shoulders. "Then I'll stay with you," he said, the smile not flickering a whit.
"Enough of that," Sanzo snapped. "We're leaving."
"I don't think so," Alucard said lazily. "Phototonic flush control!"
"Phototonic?" Goku asked. "Flush?"
"Damn, I always get these stupid names mixed up!" Alucard swore. "Whatever! Nice-swirly-effects-that-plunge-you-into-an-alternate-dimension!" And at his back, he made frantic hand signals at the Light and Magic crew to switch to the red lights.
Abruptly, the entire world turned red. The world beyond the road that they were standing on disappeared into the gloom of Unlighted Fanficdom.
And for the sake of the fic, let us just say that the Sanzo-ikkou are effectively trapped, because wandering off into the Unlighted Regions is generally a Bad Thing. As to exactly why it's a bad thing, I'll just say 'Tentacles', and leave the rest to your vivid imaginations.
"I'm not impressed," Sanzo said, folding his arms across his chest. "But since we seem to be stuck here, you might as well start by telling me who the hell you are and why the hell you're stalking me."
***
TBC, because sf has to beat off the voices that are screaming Alucard x Sanzo! Alucard x Sanzo!
***