Dedicated to kit-sama. *worship worship heart heart*. Now get out of your burrow and start blogging more!
[Author's Disclaimer : I'm /really/ off my writing streak. I rarely say this, but this chapter is really not up to my usual standard.]
A Season In Hell
Chapter 3 -- What the Hell are you?
Alucard snorted and raised an eyebrow. "You're the newcomers. And you're on my turf."
"Excuse me," Hakkai said, intervening as was his wont. "We're just a group of four travellers, passing through. We seem to be a bit lost."
"Of course you're lost," Alucard replied, gesturing.
"He meant that we were lost, even before you changed the scenery, Mister Bad Dress Sense," Gojyo snorted.
"Oh? Insult my dress sense, will you?" Alucard snapped. "Humans have died for less."
"You're a kind of youkai, aren't you?" Goku said suddenly.
"What's a youkai?" Alucard asked.
There was a long pause. We're *really* off our route ran through the Sanzo-ikkou's minds.
"A race," Sanzo said flatly. "Stronger than humans, better vision, better night vision..."
"Oh. You could call me a youkai, then," Alucard said lightly.
"You don't know?" Goku asked. "But then again, you don't smell like a normal youkai..."
"Are you suggesting that I smell?"
"Of blood, actually," Goku cocked his head. "You smell very strongly of human blood."
"Of course I smell of blood! I'm a vampire!"
"You're a vampire?" Gojyo said. "Don't shit us, asshole! Vampires aren't real."
There was another perplexed silence.
"You really aren't from these parts, are you?" Alucard said finally. "Vampires have been around for eons. Of course, their presence is often overlooked... to the extent that mortals--" a sneer of contempt here, "--often relegate our presence to mere myth. But considering that you just took out a whole contingent of ghouls without raising an eyebrow, and blondie over there just shot and killed a vampire..."
"Anything surprising about that?" Sanzo asked.
"Mere bullets don't kill vampires. Even the pathetic ones," Alucard snarled.
"Would you like to try mine, vampire?" Sanzo said. "Get us out of here."
Alucard appeared amused. "Actually--"
He paused. There was a voice gibbering in the back of his head. He would have put it down to the chorus of internal voices that normally shared the room in his head, except that they didn't normally call him a 'cabbage-assed-bastard'.
"I'll be right along," he told Integra irritably, and made the appropriate hand gestures to the light and magic crew. [1]
[1] -- Which went something along the lines of Change back! Change back! No, not blue, you idiots! Not yellow either! Normal! You TWITS! Wait till I get my fangs on you!
The red world of Alucard's conjuring faded away to reveal the real world. The light and magic crew chorused a cheerful "Welcome back!"
It was exactly the same as when they had left, saving the arrival of one newcomer.
(At this juncture, sf's mind wandered off to write various Sanzo + Integra dumb fics, using the completely-OOC Sanzo template (My god, I wuv you!) and the completely-OOC Integra template (Love at first sight!) along the lines of No Angels and No Devils. But these were so bad that they never made it into print.)
She was tall. She was taller than Gojyo, and that's saying a bit. Goku had to crane his neck to see her face. She wasn't in a skin tight shirt and an impossibly short skirt. Worse, she wore pants.
Flicking strands of long blond hair back, Integra Hellsing scowled irritably at them. "That's them? This measly bunch took out a whole ghoul army on their own?"
"Yup, that's them," Alucard said, playing the irreverent soldier to the hilt. "Kinda short, but blondie looks like you." He winked.
Both Integra and Sanzo shot him death glares.
"Hey," Gojyo piped up, "I don't think we caught your name."
Integra stared at them for a moment longer. "A ghoul army and the Insurance salesmen," she said, her tone contemplative. "Are you certain you aren't vampires?"
"We're youkai," Hakkai said.
"Blondie's human," Alucard pointed out. "The rest might be some sub-species of vampire."
"We're not vampires!" Goku protested.
"Too wimpy to be vampires," Alucard noted.
"Actually, we're a bit lost," Hakkai said cheerfully. "We were wondering if you could tell us where we are..."
"You're in London," Integra said. "But now, you're heading back with me."
To a chorus of "What?" and "I'm not going anywhere with you!" and Alucard's sly comments about females dragging four males off the street and bringing them home, Integra turned and strode off towards the waiting helicopter.
"Do we follow her?" Goku asked Sanzo. The priest shrugged, noncommital.
"Well..." Hakkai looked at the copter. "She might be able to point us in the right direction."
"Right direction, yeah, but what the hell is that?" Gojyo said.
"It's a helicopter," Alucard commented lazily. "Bunch of country bumpkins..."
"What's a helicopter?" Goku asked.
"A flying vehicle," Hakkai told him. "Like a jeep, but it travels on air..."
"Cool!"
"And how would you know about these things?" Gojyo asked suspiciously.
Hakkai gave him a smile. "Despite its title, Jane's Defence Weekly isn't quite in the same league as the magazines you read."
"I was wondering about that."
"So... Sanzo? Do we follow?" Hakkai queried.
"She might be able to explain some things," Sanzo said relunctantly, understandably cautious of stepping into helicopters owned by strange women in an sf fic. He was also paying very close attention to the voices in the heavens, which were currently going :
"No, you can't work any Sanzo abuse into this fic!"
"I can't? Who says I can't?"
"For Heaven's sake... give the poor guy a break!"
"He doesn't need a break!"
"Just get him into the chopper, will you?!"
So with a swish of the fanfic author's keyboard, they climbed aboard the helicopter with only minimal fuss and bloodshed, and headed back towards Hellsing mansion.
But, one asks, what happened to Hakuryuu?
At this juncture, everyone's favorite white dragon, momentarily displaced during the fight with the ghoul army and then Alucard's scenary changing tactics, had just located his friend and master. Unfortunately, said friend and master was heading off in a vehicle designed to fly faster than tiny dragons with a small wing span, and Hakuryuu was sent flapping frantically in its very choppy aftermath, unable to keep up. Before long, the little dragon was quite lost.
***
"Wow."
Goku was the first one to voice his comments on Hellsing mansion. It was grandiose. It was massive. It was almost completely empty.
"Impressive," Hakkai commented.
"A waste of space," Sanzo said gravely.
"Yeah, then what about Chou'An temple and that entire floor set aside for Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo added blithely.
"I never asked for all those rooms," Sanzo countered.
"Yeah, the monks just moved out because no one could stand living next to you."
There was a click of a gun's safety being snapped off.
"Ah, Sanzo... if you fire in here, the porcelains..." Hakkai said quickly, grabbing Sanzo's gun hand.
"What are you standing around for?" Integra said irritably. "This way."
"Look, I'm not going to be ordered around by a woman who doesn't even look like one!" Gojyo exclaimed, losing his temper.
There was an ominous click.
"Ah... my lady, if you fire in here, the chandeliers..." Walter said gently to Integra. He exchanged a look of mutual understanding with Hakkai.
"All of you. My office. Now," Integra ordered.
*
Sometime prior to their arrival, Alucard, who'd teleported rather than waste time actually travelling, was busy checking the time. Shortly after, various curses came flying out of the basement where the vampire made his lodging.
"Is something wrong, Master Alucard?" Walter inquired, looking in.
"Do you know what day it is, Walter?" Alucard snarled.
"Friday, the last I checked."
"It's Valentine's Day."
"Why yes. I'd noticed. Did you have plans?"
Alucard glanced at the clock again, and growled irritably. "Well, I did have plans to meet someone for dinner... until they came along."
Slightly mystified, Walter murmured condolences.
When the butler had retreated to receive Integra and her guests, Alucard flung the bouquet of black roses down on the table and returned to reading 'The Idiot's Guide to Courting Ice-Cold Blonds', all the while mumbling about "Damn newcomers who spoil all my plans..."
*
"Isn't it polite to feed your guests before you discuss business?" Gojyo asked.
"I'm starving to death," Goku groaned. "It's an hour past dinner time."
Integra, lodged in the high backed chair of her office, stared at them impassively. "We generally start with introductions." She paused, considering the four impromptu guests seated in front of her. The priest was silent, his arms crossed over his chest, amethyst eyes scanning her face intently. The one in green wore a slight smile that never wavered, his endeavours to look innocent not quite masking the attentive, calculating look in his eyes. The youngest one was fidgetting, his stomach rumbling. The red eyed one, the one with the eyes of a vampire, was leaning back and smoking.
If not vampires... then what are you?
"Well, well, introductions," the green eyed one said, breaking the silence. "I'm Cho Hakkai. Son Goku, Sha Gojyo, Genjo Sanzo," he said, indicating his companions.
"Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing," she returned. "And might I add... welcome to Hellsing mansion."
"What a mouthful," Goku muttered.
"You know, coming from you, that's not funny," Gojyo told him.
"And the reason you dragged us here...?" Sanzo said without preamble.
Integra cracked a slight smile. "As your companion pointed out, dinner comes before business." She stood, indicating the dining hall. "So... shall we?"
And Alucard, watching the proceedings out of the corner of one of his many eyes, swore viciously. "Damnit, and here I had everything planned out for a private dinner for two..."
***
TBC
***