Dedicated to kit. For... um... raisins. And chocolate. XD.
Special thanks to for invaluable information on everyone's favorite vampire. Gaghggg, Alucard, your character is hellishly difficult to write... (Too many enigmas, too many things unexplained. Too little analysis on my part...)
A Season in Hell
Chapter 4 -- What the Hell is going on?
"Where are you from?" Integra asked. They were seated at the dinner table, Integra at the head, Hakkai and Gojyo on one side, and Sanzo and Goku at the other. The question was chiefly addressed to Hakkai -- Gojyo and Goku were quibbling and Sanzo was being taciturn (largely because it's difficult to say anything when a vampire keeps popping out of the ceiling to scowl at the party).
"Well..." Hakkai shot Sanzo a glance, which could be interpreted as a Hakkai/Sanzo moment or a Do we tell her the truth? query.
"We're on a mission from the gods!" Goku paused in the scuffle long enough to crow.
Sanzo shot him a glare, which could be interpreted as a Sanzo/Goku moment, or just a Stupid ape sentiment.
Gojyo shot Sanzo a leer, which could be interpreted as a Gojyo/Sanzo moment, or just a Stick up your ass, bouzu? look. Sanzo shot him a glare of his own, which started off a chain of Significant Looks flying around the table. Eventually, Hakkai had step on Gojyo's toes when he winked at Alucard, but that was later.
"Really." Integra's tone was dry. "A mission from God?"
"From the gods," Hakkai said. "Although, if one wants to split hairs, then it would be 'A mission from the God, -dess suffix optional'."
"Pardon me if I don't understand a word you're saying."
"Kanzeon Bosatsu," Hakkai said succinctly, and stepped on Gojyo's toes.
"Hey---" Gojyo hissed.
Integra frowned, apparently oblivious to the sexual tension -- I mean, silent communication -- around the table. (At this point, Sanzo was reaching for his phallic symbol, and Goku and Gojyo were initiating physical contact under the guise of fighting for food.) "Kanzeon? What religion is this?"
"You could call it Buddhism," Hakkai told her. "But frankly, Gods are gods, no matter what name you give to them..."
"Buddhism? Do you hail from China, then?"
"Well..." Hakkai attempted to shoot Sanzo another look, but the priest was busy bashing Goku over the head in what could loosely be interpreted as Hands off Gojyo! He's mine! Hakkai shrugged, opting to continue negotiations without consultation, seeing that their leader was otherwise occupied with domestic problems. "Yes."
"And you were headed to?"
Since there isn't any secret about it by now... "Tenjiku."
There was another convenient break in the conversation, as Integra tried to recall where Tenjiku was. Hakkai took the opportunity to smile sweetly at Sanzo. "Yare, yare... don't you think Goku's head has taken enough damage for the day?" And he cracked open one eye in a way that read : And if I find that you've been doing things with Gojyo behind my back...
"Itai, yo..." Goku whined, casting a look at Sanzo, which the fangirls interpreted as Beating me with your fan means that you love me, right Sanzo?
And Sanzo snorted, kept the harisen out of deference for Hakkai's wishes, which sent another camp of fangirls scurrying madly away to write Hakkai/Sanzo fics. "Idiots," he proclaimed of the world at large, and more fangirls scurried away to write EveryonexSanzo fics.
"Tenjiku's in India," a certain vampire said, when Integra drew a blank.
"Thank you," Integra replied. "In which case, gentlemen, you are completely off your route."
"What's new?" Sanzo replied bitterly. "They don't even have sake here."
"At least they have the brand of cigarettes you smoke," Gojyo moaned. "They haven't even heard of Hi-lites."
"What? Where are we?" Goku asked.
"England," Integra told him.
There was a moment of silence.
Then :
"The HELL?" Sanzo yelled.
"England?" Goku asked quizzically.
"Oh dear," Hakkai said, the smile slipping by half a micrometer.
"How did that happen?" Gojyo demanded.
"Temporal time warp," Alucard replied.
"If you're going to be part of the conversation, could you get your ass off the ceiling and come down and talk to us properly?" Integra snapped.
"Yes Master. Whatever you say, Master. I live to serve." The vampire floated down to the floor, where Walter pulled up another chair for him.
"I believe that this is the result of a rare phenomena known as 'Cross-overs'. One whereby two completely unrelated worlds meet and collide, resulting in even stranger occurences. If I'm not mistaken, this tour group has been thrown impossibly out of their time and space into our time and space, causing a great deal of inconvenience for all." This last was said with a universal glare. Back in Alucard's chambers, a black rose wilted.
"We're not a tour group," Gojyo protested.
"The terminology is irrelevant," Sanzo ground out. "Now how do we get back to our own time and space?"
Alucard shrugged eloquently. "Who knows? Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and find that it's all a nasty dream. Maybe you'll walk out of the city and back into your own town. Maybe--" he inserted a leer here, "--you're stuck here forever."
"Perish the thought," Sanzo muttered.
"Maybe we should start by doing some research on the subject..." Hakkai sighed.
"Prior to that," Integra said, "Tell me : Are you or are you not vampires?"
"No," Sanzo replied, picking at his food (understandably suspicious of food offered by a strange female host who'd just plucked them off the street and who evidently had a master-servant/slave relationship with one vampire...).
"No," Hakkai replied, and proceeded to explain the whole totally-human-but-travelling-with-youkai, half-youkai, former-human-turned-youkai and not-really-youkai-but-everyone-calls-him-youkai-anyway fiasco. By the time he'd finished, having taken time to explain what a youkai was and the whole Minus Wave situation, dinner was over.
"Interesting," Integra replied succinctly, adding up futures in her head.
"If you were thinking of recruitment... don't," Sanzo said sharply.
"Crossovers," Integra said thoughtfully. "A rare phenomena, yet not unknown. If it has happened before, and one rather expects that it has, then it should be recounted somewhere." She paused. "And if there is a copy of that account to be found, then it is in the Hellsing library."
There was a dramatic pause.
"So... free meals and lodging and access to the facilities, and in addition to a lucrative salary dependent on how many vampires or ghouls you eliminate," Integra ticked off the points. "Ghouls are worth less, of course. And if you were wondering, your credit card doesn't work here."
[This scene comes out better animated. But just imagine them exchanging glances now, doing the maths. Imagine Sanzo's frown getting a little deeper, Goku hopping up and down at the mere mention of 'meals', Hakkai's smile etched into his features as he weighs the interests of the group against the fact that Gojyo's been leering at Integra for quite a while now...]
"So... how much do we get for ridding the town of the threat of Insurance Salesmen?" Sanzo asked.
"That doesn't count. You weren't under Hellsing's employ then."
"Damn."
***
"Master--"
"What is it, Alucard? It's late."
"Not that late. As a matter of fact, I was hoping--"
"It is late. And there's a ton of work to be done in the aftermath of all that's transpired..."
"--that you could spare some time to take a break." Alucard's annoyance was almost audible now.
"I had a break. I had a long dinner. Now will you please stop being a nuisance?"
Alucard regarded the wilting black roses in his hand. "Not even a late supper?"
"No, Alucard."
"Do you know what day it is?"
"Friday."
"And?"
"And soon to be Saturday."
"Well, what date is it?"
"Go look at the calender yourself. The fourteenth. Or the fifteenth. Or thereabouts."
"And don't you know the significance of the fourteenth of February?" Alucard shrieked.
Integra blinked at him. "No. Should I?"
***
Somewhere in a dustbin outside Hellsing mansion, a bouquet of black roses lay, discarded.
***
Meanwhile, Hakkai and Gojyo were having a much better Valentine's Day, even if Hakkai had to take time out to... admonish... Gojyo for his aberration over dinner...
***
And Sanzo was taking extra precautions against any Mary Sues that might flourish during this time of the year. Unfortunately, there were no defences that a mere mortal (read : fanfic character) could summon against these vile creatures, and he was dragged kicking and screaming into the void. (Temporarily. He'll be back soon, and the world will be short a few Mary Sues.)
***
Goku was dating a pork bun. Make that several pork buns. A whole ton of pork buns. Courtesy of Mary Sue, in an attempt to gain his attention. The ploy was a disasterous failure.
***
It was only much later that the significance of the date hit Integra. Frowning, she considered the situation. After several brandies [1], she finally figured out what the vampire had been trying to do.
After several more brandies and much thought, she decided that some form of apology was in order, and wandered off towards the basement where the vampire made his home.
[1] -- This chapter was unofficially betaed, and one of the betas inquired as to why Integra was drinking like a fish. Since this is an oncrack!fic, explanations are optional. However, readers might be interested to know that one fanfic author mysteriously deposited a large bottle of brandy ("Plot Device", vintage 2003) at Integra's elbow, and kept refilling her glass. When one is lost in deep thought, one usually fails to keep track of how much liquid one has consumed, especially if the glass stays mysteriously full all the time.
*
In the meantime, one other creature was having a very unhappy Valentine's Day.
Hakuryuu had, after much trial and error, found his way to the Hellsing mansion. There, he had snuck in through an air vent in the roof, only to find himself lost in a series of tunnels that brought him through various interesting rooms. (To whit : Dungeons, torture chambers, and the like.)
Finally, he chanced upon what seemed like a bedroom, although the bed was shaped rather oddly -- like the kind of bed that humans slept in when they died. But he was not bothered by the bed. He was bothered by the fact that the room was largely Hakkai-less, and he was totally lost.
Distressed, he winged his way towards the door, which was large, heavy, metallic, and very firmly shut. Flapping at the door, tugging at the handle and squeaking pitifully failed to elicit any response, the dragon sighed and flopped down on the table, defeated.
Then the door opened.
One very drunk vampire sloshed into the room, a bottle still in hand. [2]
[2] Can vampires get drunk? What on? Alcoholic blood?
"Ho..." he peered bleerily at the dragon. "What do we have here?"
"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu squeaked, and made a beeline for the door. Which was slammed in his face before he could exit the room.
"A bat?" Alucard mused. "A white bat?"
"Kyuu!" Hakuryuu snapped, sounding distinctly annoyed. He flapped at the door.
"Evidently not an ordinary bat. An intruder, perhaps?" There was a glint in Alucard's eye that Hakuryuu did not like at all. "A vampire, perhaps?"
"Kyuuu..." Hakuryuu shook his head violently.
"One of the true undead!" Alucard was rubbing his hands gleefully. "For once, a true vampire who is powerful enough to shapeshift... a real fight!" He grinned, showing off impressive canines. "All there've been lately are those half-baked chipped vampires. Those... freaks. Hardly better than trash. Worse than humans. But you, my friend..."
Hakuryuu squeaked in alarm as Alucard whipped out the Casull. "Draw your weapons!"
The dragon reared up in shock, coughing a fireball. It brushed the surface of the bottle that Alucard was still holding, igniting the alcohol on the rim.
When the flames had died down, Alucard emerged from the smoke, soot encrusted, and grinning like a demon. "Impressive! But insufficient..." and he fired.
Hakuryuu winged around the speeding bullets, zipping from end to end of the room, desperately searching for sanctuary. At one point, having caught on to the 'Uses of bottles', he blinded Alucard with another fire ball.
"I see..." Alucard said, feeling slightly out of it from all the alcohol. "You will not resort to petty human weapons." He smirked. "Then I will fight you on your own level."
The light and magic crew rushed to their stations, and the lights went out, to be replaced by an ominous red glow. Alucard stepped into shadow, and the shadow grew. And grew. And grew.
As Hakuryuu watched in terror, he saw the shadow spread to become a massive pair of wings. They unfurled, solid sheets of darkness. Then they splintered to form several thousand tiny black bats, each sporting a pair of glowing red eyes. Alucard's laughter boomed throughout the room.
"...kyuu..." Hakuryuu stared at the swarm as it came rushing towards him. Frantically, he spat out more fireballs, which singed a bat or two but did little to whittle down the flock.
"Transform again!" Alucard mocked him. "Show me your true form! Adaptability is a true vampire's watch word, is it not?"
Hakuryuu cast a terrified look at the throng of tiny black bats in hot pursuit, and decided that a change was necessary.
There was a massive flash of white light (courtesy again, of the light and magic crew), and where a dragon had been, there now stood a Jeep. Its headlights flashed in the gloom.
Alucard's collective eyes went wide. "A little ... unconventional..."
"But very impressive," a new voice called from the door.
Light spilt in from the corridor. Integra Hellsing stood in the doorway, arms folded across her chest. "Indeed... a far more useful transformation than any of yours, Alucard."
Alucard spluttered, and switched back to humanoid form. "Useful?"
"Can any of your shapes serve a practical purpose? Hellhounds, bats, deformed and shapeless miscellaneous lumps... A jeep, on the other hand..."
"Kyuu...." Hakuryuu shifted back to dragon form and flew up to Integra, whimpering and endeavouring to look as cute as possible. "Kyuu?"
Integra nodded. "You're hired." She glanced at Alucard. "You're fired."
***
TBC
***