Chapter 5 -- How the Hell did we get into this mess?
Morning crept slowly into the compound. It snuck through Integra Hellsing's room, where the newest addition to Hellsing's staff was making himself comfortable on the bed. It snuck through the study next door, where Integra was updating Walter on the night's events. It wandered through various guest rooms, where Goku was snoring happily amidst piles of empty plates, where Hakkai and Gojyo were sleeping the sleep of the dead-tired, where Sanzo, at the break of dawn, had abandoned his vigilance against Mary Sues and gone comatose. It didn't reach the cellars, where Seras was just returning to bed after a night on duty, and where Alucard was alternately packing his belongings, then flinging them around screaming, then packing them in once more.
Seras looked in. "Is something wrong, Master?"
Alucard shot her glare from red-eyes gone even more bloodshot from too much alcohol. "Everything's wrong."
"That sounds terrible."
"Of course it's terrible! What else would it be? Totally wonderful?!"
"But what's wrong, Master?"
Alucard thought up several replies, then decided that the truth was the worst defence. "I'm leaving," he announced. "I refuse to work for slave drivers who underpay and underappreciate their employees."
"Oh." Seras looked nonplussed. "But the Hellsings are the only ones who provide board, lodging and special meals for vampires…"
"I don't need petty humans to handle my affairs for me. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself."
Seras thought about this for a moment. "Does looking after yourself involve getting blown to pieces on a regular basis?"
Alucard found one stray black rose, and jumped up and down on it several times, screaming incoherently. Seras retreated to the door. "I'll… I'll see you tonight, Master…"
"Stupid humans! Stupid, stupid humans!" Alucard's screams followed her down the corridor.
***
There was a knock on the door. It was a timid, tentative knock, unlike Walter's usual quiet but certain one. Alucard would never bothered to knock. The guests, from Walter's report, were entirely out of it. So that left…
"Enter," Integra called, and nodded when Seras sidled into the room.
"Good morning," the young vampire said nervously.
"What brings you out so early? Or, in your case, so late."
"There's something wrong with Alucard… he's in a very bad mood."
"Oh? That's none of my business. I don't pry into his private life."
"But he said that he's leaving Hellsing."
"Hah. I fired the big clumsy idiot last night."
Seras' jaw dropped. "You… you fired him? But why? Whatever for? Master's our most powerful soldier, our trump card, our…"
"Kyuu?" Hakuryuu glanced up sleepily as Seras' voice rose in pitch and volume.
"Meet our new trump card," Integra said gravely. "More powerful than Alucard, more practical than Alucard… and a whole lot cuter."
"But… but…" Seras peered more closely at the dragon. "Oh. He has red eyes."
"He can transform into a jeep," Integra supplied.
"Kyuu…" Hakuryuu wagged his tail at her. "Kyuu?"
"A jeep? But how about a transforming into a human?"
"He doesn't seem to want to assume a human form. Which is fine by me, really. Human-shaped vampires tend to get funny notions into their heads after a while."
Seras' eyebrow twitched. "Funny notions?"
"Oh, they'll hit you sooner or later. If you haven't already picked up bad habits from Alucard."
"Kyuu." Hakuryuu ignored both of them and shut his eyes.
"He is cute… but how do you know how powerful he is?" Seras asked.
"Alucard couldn't kill him. Is that powerful enough for you?"
"Why… that's amazing," Seras said, awed.
"An incredible feat, yes."
"But what's his name?"
"He will not tell us his real name. But from what we've observed… 'Jeep' will serve as an apt callsign for the moment."
"But what about Alucard?" Seras said, distressed.
"Oh, he can go and hang himself," Integra replied, sounding bored.
"Ohhh? I can go and hang myself?" the subject of their discussion slammed the door open. Or tried to. Having not used a door for millenia, he misjudged and slammed it open while he was halfway through it. The effect was messy.
Integra succeeded in wiping most of the smirk off her face by the time the vampire had picked himself off the floor. Seras was shaking her head.
"You're just in time." Integra shoved several forms at Alucard. "Sign here, here, and here."
"I refuse to be fired by a petty human," Alucard said, drawing himself upright. "I owe you no loyalty and therefore cannot be fired." He squinted at Seras. "Who are you?"
As Seras wailed, Integra burst out in laughter. "Alucard, Alucard, you're drunk. Go and get some sleep and come back when you're sober."
"I am not drunk," Alucard stated coldly. "And it occurs to me that if you release me from your service, I am… free! Free to exercise my powers and take over the world!"
As he spoke, the light and magic crew rushed to their stations. The room went several confused shades of green and blue before they found the proper red filter. Various threats and accusations could be heard flying behind the scenes.
"I will break the seals!" Alucard proclaimed. His pentagram appeared on the ceiling and began spinning. "I will release my true powers!" A harsh wind sprung up, scattering the papers on Integra's desk. "I will show you terror as … as… terror has never been shown before!" Manic laughter could be heard in the background, like the laughter track to the Sitcom from Hell. "I will make you wet your pants! I will—"
"—not be able to do anything," Integra cut in smoothly. "I never touched the seals."
The pentagram expanded and went pop. The wind paused, looked confused, and snuck out the window whilst no one was looking. The manic laughter continued for two beats, then trailed off with a 'Huh'?
Alucard looked deflated. "Oh." Then he regained his composure. "Then… that means, Integra Fairgates Windchild Hellsing, that you cannot fire me!" The manic laughter soundtrack started up again.
"If you're going to call me by my full name [1], at least get it right," Integra snorted. "Go to bed, Alucard, before you do any more damage to your reputation."
[1] -- It's Sir Integra Fairchild Wingates Hellsing.
"So you're not firing him?" Seras asked in confusion.
Integra shrugged. "I still might. But for now, he's good for comic relief."
"Comic relief--!"
Alucard's explosion was forestalled by a knock on the door. Integra frowned, very slightly. She did not recognize this knock. "Enter."
Hakkai looked in, listened for a moment to the manic laughter soundtrack (now on indefinite repeat), and smiled hesistantly. "Ah… if this is not a good time…"
"No, no. How can I help you?" Integra had to shout to make herself heard. By now, the light and magic crew were screaming at the sound crew, who couldn't hear anything.
Bwahahahahaha…
"It's just that… as we discussed yesterday… the Hellsing library…" snatches of Hakkai's words came drifting to her in between the pauses in the laughter.
Muahaahhahahahhaaa…
"Can you turn that bloody thing off?" Integra yelled in the general direction of up.
Huh? Did you just say something?
…hahahaha…
"Kyuu!"
"Ah, there you are!" Hakkai said, as Hakuryuu bolted towards him and buried himself in his arms. "Where did you go? We were all so worried…"
"Kyuu!!!" Hakuryuu squeaked, which translated from dragon-speak meant : No, you weren't worried, not in the least. You were too busy with Gojyo, weren't you? Didn't even notice I wasn't around…
"Oh, he's yours?" Integra asked.
"I beg your pardon?"
"He's yours?"
"No, he doesn't whore…"
"I asked whether he's yours?!"
"No, he's not an oar. He's a jeep…"
"Alucard!" Integra screamed. "If you don't want to be fired, go make yourself useful and shut those idiots up!"
"I don't work for you any more," Alucard said.
"Do it, you, or I'll kick your butt! And no more A+ medical blood! You can go and drink pig's blood!"
"Fine, fine, threaten my food supply, will you…" Alucard winged up towards the ceiling in a huff, misjudged, and hit his head with a resounding crack.
Wahhaahhahahaha…
"Ah, damnit!" Alucard swore, and shot through the ceiling in a killing rage.
They counted all of five seconds before there were blood-curdling screams, and the noise stopped.
All present heaved a big sigh of relief.
"Well… yes, meet Hakuryuu, our principle form of transportation. Hakuryuu, say hi…"
"BAP." Hakuryuu shot a mini-fireball at Hakkai, and buried his head in his shirt again.
"I'm afraid he's not being very social today."
"I can see that." Integra looked vaguely disappointed. "He is a vampire, isn't he?"
"Him? Good heavens, no. He's a dragon."
"A dragon? But he has red eyes and he can shape shift…"
"Dragons tend to have powerful magical capabilities. I've never seen him transform into anything quite like Alucard, nor has he shown a liking for blood…"
"But… you said that he defeated Alucard!" Seras said.
"No, I said that Alucard could not defeat him." Integra peered closely at the dragon, who refused to look at her. "A regretable misunderstanding…"
"A misunderstanding, you say?"
"We mistook him for a vampire. I almost saw a replacement for Alucard in him. But then again, vampire or not, he might still serve as a replacement—"
"But returning to the original topic," Hakkai said quickly. "Regarding the use of facilities…"
"Ah." Integra leaned back. "But I did base it on the provision that this was applicable only to staff of the Hellsing Institute."
"We did offer our assistance," Hakkai pointed out.
"Hellsing traditionally initiates its members only after they have scored their first kill under our name."
"You mean this sweet young thing has killed people too?" Gojyo said loudly.
"Who?" Seras asked.
"You, miss."
"Gojyo," Hakkai said menacingly.
"Yes. To date, the sergeant has almost a hundred kills to her credit. Mostly ghouls, of course, but there were a few freak vampires on the side," Integra noted.
"There were more than just 'a few'," Seras protested.
"Wow. I like a girl with guts," Gojyo said.
"Gojyo."
"Well, I'd love to hang around, but mister so-not-a-monk just woke up in a very foul mood. I think you should go and talk to him," Gojyo told Hakkai.
"What's it about?"
"Seems like he has a very bad case of the 'Go West' syndrome."
"Oh no."
***
"Goddamnit, Hakkai, where the fuck are we?"
"I think you should stay out of this," Gojyo told Seras. "It could get nasty."
"I am a soldier, sir, I am used to—"
"You're not used to this. Trust me." Gojyo gently shouldered her aside and snuck into the room to back Hakkai up.
A pillow slammed into his face. "I didn't ask for a bloody audience!"
"Well… I'll just be making a move—"
"—no," Hakkai hissed into his ear. "You are staying here where I can see you."
"But… but…"
"Shut the fuck up!" Sanzo yelled. "Now look. We've been stuck here for two days, I've been attacked by Fangurls for the past two nights, and you still haven't figured out a way to get us back?" [2]
[2] – Rabid fangurls are everywhere.
"I wasn't aware that I was in charge of the getting-the-Sanzo-tachi-back-to-civilization-team," Hakkai said placidly.
"So where are we? We should be heading West! What's with the bleeping delay?"
"Sanzo, England is West. It's terribly, terribly far West. In fact, we might have to go East."
"East?!"
"Try saying it, Sanzo. 'Go East'."
"EAST?"
"He's too accustomed to going West, Hakkai. He couldn't go West if he tried," Gojyo whispered.
"I know. We'll just have to break the news to him gently…"
"EAST…?!!!"
"Yes. East. Towards the rising sun, in the face of the dawn, where the Western Wind comes a-blowing from…"
Seras chose that moment to look in. "Is everything all—"
Two bullets whizzed across the room and embedded themselves in the door micrometers to either side of her head.
"Like I said, no place for a lady," Gojyo hustled her out again, somehow managing to get himself trapped outside the room as the door closed.
"Is he insane?" Seras asked.
"No, he's not a morning person. See, we've been on this road trip West for the Gods-Know-How-Long-and-Don't-Know-How-Much-Longer… and suddenly, poof, we're way off our route in a distant land, and we have no idea how to get back, or how to get to our destination."
"Why didn't you say so?" Seras said. "There's lots of stuff on that in the library. It usually has to do with vampires teleporting off their route and ending up in strange places, and then there was that time where vampires from another dimension entered London… it's not quite the same as your case, but I'm sure you'll be able to find some clues."
"But did it say how those vampires got back in the end?"
Seras frowned. "Actually, the first and the last thing they saw when they got here was Alucard's grinning face."
"Ah. I thought so," Gojyo said gloomily.
The door slammed open, ironing Gojyo against the wall in the process.
"Did you say there was information in the library?" Sanzo demanded.
"…bloody monk…!" Gojyo's voice was a squeak from behind the door. Sanzo ignored it.
"Why yes," Seras backed up a step.
"But there's a slight problem, Sanzo. Sir Integra won't let us use the library until we've killed a vampire or two."
"Fine. Let's go kill a vampire. Where do we find a damn vampire that's not Hellsing's pet?"
"You won't find vampires in broad daylight," Seras said archly. "Besides, there haven't been vampires in the region for a long time. Not since you offed that stray one."
"Oh goddamnit!"
"Maybe you should discuss this with Sir Integra…" Hakkai suggested.
Sanzo released the door and thought about it for a moment. Gojyo tried to inch his way out.
"Fine. I'll do that," Sanzo declared, smashing the door back into Gojyo as he went stalking off towards Integra's office.
"…" Gojyo passed out silently as Hakkai and Seras rushed to his side. "…bloody monk…"
***
And the scene is staged for the long awaited confrontation between our mutual short-fused, gun-toting blonds…
***
To be continued.