Chapter Three - It Only Hurts When I Breathe

I played the fool today
And I can see us vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again but home
Is a feeling I buried in you
I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

Breathe by Greenwheel

*

After a couple of weeks, Gwendolyn and Harry had started dating, much to the dismay of at least two of their fellow students: Draco and Hermione.  Hermione accepted that if they made each other happy she would just have to grin and bear it.  Draco on the other hand was furious and miserable all at the same time; his anger at Harry was only surpassed by his anger at himself.  Each time he saw Harry and Gwendolyn together he felt like a knife was being run through his heart.  'But that is impossible,' he thought bitterly. 'My heart has already been shattered into a thousand pieces.  No knife could pierce the broken shards of my heart...I'm ok, though.  It only hurts when I breathe.'

Draco's fellow Slytherins didn't understand his continuous melancholy state nor did they really care. 

Draco hadn't been able to talk to Gwen, and he got the distinct and spot on impression that she was avoiding him.  'And I don't blame her either,' Draco thought miserably.

One Saturday, Draco noticed Gwen had pried herself away from Harry and was sitting alone under a tree, reading.  This, of course was a perfect opportunity for him to talk to her, so he walked hurriedly over to her.

    "Hello," Draco said softly.

Gwen looked over the top of her large book to stare coldly at Draco.  "What do you want?"

    "Is that any way to greet an old friend?" Draco laughed nervously.

    "I suppose not, but other people I know seem to have said worse things to old friends, so I think I should be excused." Gwen kept any emotion she was feeling out of her voice.  She would not let Draco think she was still pining away after him.  She wanted him to think she was happy with Harry.

    "Why didn't you tell me you were coming to Hogwarts this year?"

    "I wanted to surprise you," Gwen said, pretending to still read her book.

    "Surprise me?  Well, I'll admit it was a bit of a shock when I heard Dumbledore say your name, I thought I had heard him wrong.  And then hearing you were in Gryffindor, well I always knew you were braver than I am so it wasn't too much of a 'surprise'.  But what surprised me, and I mean really surprised me is I hear that my best…and only friend is going out with my worst fucking enemy!!!" Draco's voice was rather loud at this time and he had attracted attention from a few other students.  "All those summers when I would tell you about him and you would sit there listening to me, sympathising with me…" Draco lowered his voice and continued unsurely, "Loving me."

Gwen stood up and poked Draco in the chest.  "Listen here!  Don't you play the victim!  You always do that!  You do something wrong and you blame it on someone else.  Well, you are not going to shift the blame onto me!  I like Harry.  He's nice, he's sensitive, and he's funny.  He's not a spoilt little upstart who hurts people without a second thought.  Maybe you should think about that Mr Perfect Slytherin Pureblood!  And don't wear your hair like that you look just like your father!"  Gwen shoved Draco out of her way and ran back to the castle, clutching her book against her chest.

'I'm such a dumb twat,' Draco thought as he watched Gwen run off.  He slid down the tree and sat on the ground with his head in his hands.  He was definitely going to have to work on his tactics if he was ever going to get Gwen back…if she ever wanted to speak to him again.  Draco watched Gwen slowly getting smaller and then she ran into someone: Potter.  He caught her around the shoulders and she said something to him that made him glare in Draco's general direction.  He pulled Gwen close to him and held her tightly.  Seeing that made Draco want to curl up to die.  He felt like nothing without Gwen; he had never realised just how much he loved her.  He had just thought they were friends, best friends, like Potter, Weasley and Granger.  But it was much more than that - his love for her had changed from wanting to play children's games to wanting to spend the rest of his life with her.  But he knew that would never happen now, he had pushed her away and he would never love anyone like that again.

Gwen wasn't watching where she was going and if she had she wouldn't be able to see - her vision was blurred with the tears she had fiercely fought back during her 'talk' with Draco.  Then she ran into something rather hard and looked up into the emerald green of Harry's eyes.

    "Harry, I'm sorry.  I didn't see you there," Gwen tried to sound happy.

    "Gwen, what's wrong?" Harry looked truly concerned for her.

Gwen tried to think of something to say but Harry had already spotted Draco sitting where he had seen Gwen earlier.  "Was it that prat, Malfoy?"

    "Uh…er…he had some news for me.  Um, his cat died and I was really quite fond of her.  I was just upset about that," Gwen knew that Harry didn't believe her but he didn't say anything.

Harry pulled Gwen close to himself and held her tightly.  It was nice being in Harry's arms but Gwen always found herself comparing him to Draco.  Harry was strong, stable and sweet but Draco could be all those things when it was just him and Gwen.  Gwen didn't love Harry the way she loved Draco, but she knew Harry wasn't in love with her either, he just thought he was.  She was sure Draco loved her; why else would he seem so hurt.  'But then why didn't he want you then?  He only wants you because Harry has you…'  Gwen pushed that nasty voice out of her mind and put all her attention on Harry - nice sweet, sensitive, stable Harry.

Draco spent the next few days thoroughly depressed; nothing could bring him out of his pit of despair.  He tried desperately to be his usual obnoxious and loathing self, but nothing seemed the same when Gwen wasn't talking to him.

Draco sighed as he looked out the window of his dormitory one night.  It had been one whole week since he had last talked to Gwen and he definitely hadn't made any progress with talking to her.  He wondered if Gwen would miss him if he were to die, he supposed she would get over it soon enough.  He pondered this for a while, that thought leading to what it would feel like to die.  This greatly fascinated him.  He toyed with the idea of suicide, but not really sure if he was seriously contemplating it or not.  He tried to think of ten people that would miss him greatly but got stuck at one: his mother.  He was sure that Gwen wouldn't, he didn't think his father would, his fellow Slytherins certainly wouldn't, none of the teachers would and no other student in Hogwarts actually liked him.  This depressed Draco even further and his mind went back to his argument with Gwen, the week before. 

'I don't really look just like my father with my hair like this, do I?' Draco thought.  Just to prove it to himself he went and stood in front of the mirror.  He gasped at his reflection.  He did look just like a younger version of Lucius!  Draco couldn't handle the thought of ever being just like his father.  'Father's cruel and cold and unloving and…just like me.' 

Realisation hit Draco like a cold bucket of water and he threw himself onto his bed in a fit of despair.  Draco had always told himself he would never be like Lucius, and here he was, a near perfect replica of his father. 

'When did this happen to me?'

Draco fought back the annoying tears that pricked his silver eyes but lost the battle.  He buried his face in his pillow and wished more than anything that he wouldn't wake up in the morning, or indeed ever again.  The world wouldn't miss him…it still had his father.  Eventually he fell into a restless sleep, his dreams haunted with visions of Gwen; she was older and married to Harry then Draco saw himself.  He was alone, in the manor, his manor.  It looked like loneliness had taken its toll on his sanity.  Draco fought to wake himself from the dream and he sat straight up in bed, still in the clothes he had been wearing all day. 

He sighed and lied back down on the crumpled sheets; tomorrow was another day, and he was positive that things could and probably would get worse.

Disclaimer: You know the drill.  Practically nothing's mine, except for Gwen.  And Draco's 'dead' cat.