Sometimes the mind needs to discover things for itself
By: Ely Q
Summary: AU after X2. Jean's death in X2 is the least of Scott's concerns.
A/N: Sorry to all the comic fans: I'm a Johnny-Come-Lately and only know as much about the X-Men as one who's watched both movies a couple of times and did a little bit of research online. Therefore, all of my plot/ characterization/ back story, etc. comes from the movies, not the comics - which I've never read. If this bothers anyone, I won't be offended if you don't read. In addition, if I made any glaring, unforgivable errors, please let me know, and I'll try to correct it in later chapters.
A/N two: Evan is my own character, as far as I know there are no mutants with his power.
Chapter 1
Scott Summers stretched out on his back, staring at the ceiling of his new bedroom. Sleep hadn't come easily for him in the week since Jean's death, and he had tried to fix that by moving into a smaller room - a room without the sights, smells and memories of the woman he'd never hold again. Alas, he had just been fooling himself. It hadn't been the room that kept him awake every night. Instead it was his mind, which continuously played over the scene at Alkali Lake, torturing him with scenarios that could have been. Scenarios that could have saved Jean.
Scott rolled over onto his side, unconsciously curling up into the fetal position, as tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes, only to evaporate immediately as they came into contact with his gift.
Ha! Gift. What good is it, when it couldn't be used to save Jean?
Quiet sobs racked Scott's body until pure exhaustion overwhelmed him, and he fell asleep. But his sleep was no more restful than being awake, as nightmares often flitted across his mind's eye. But, in a way, Scott preferred the nightmares to the dreams in which Jean was still alive, laying next to him and embracing him. When those dreams visited him, they made it so much worse to wake up again - to wake up and find out the real nightmare was his life.
* * *
The Professor and Storm sat in his office, neither knowing how to talk about anything except Jean's death. And since that subject had been talked about too much, they remained silent, content with just being with each other. The Professor was happy just to have one of his children with him, afraid what would happen if he were left to his own thoughts. For Storm, the Professor would always be a comforting influence on her. No matter how old she was, she would always see him as all-knowing and indestructible.
A knock echoed around the room, and Logan entered. The other two turned to face him, not saying anything as he sat down in the second chair in front of the Professor's desk. They waited patiently until he said what he came to say. They didn't have to wait long until Logan took a deep breath.
"Evan finished at Alkali Lake." Both the Professor and Storm visibly steeled themselves, waiting to hear the news from their resident Gill-boy. He had spent the last couple of days at the flooded area, swimming and looking for any evidence. Any body. "He didn't find her. There's no body to bury."
Logan clenched his jaw, looking out the window with tears in his eyes. "I-" His voice broke, and he looked down at the hands in his laps. The hands that were, in the end, as useless as Cyclops' eyes. "I'm sorry."
Logan stood and quickly left the room. Storm closed her eyes for a few seconds, only to open them and see the Professor hunched up in his chair, tears streaming down his face. Sobs racked his body as he grieved yet again for his daughter. Seeing her mentor broken was worse than anything else Storm had faced. Gathering him in her arms, they cried together.
When there were no tears left, she gently pulled away from him, and he was too embarrassed to meet her eyes. Thank you, my dear. I needed that. Storm smiled as she heard his tired voice in her head.
"Of course, Professor."
"Will you please go get Scott? I would like to be the one to tell him this."
"Of course."
Storm rubbed furiously at her red-rimmed eyes. It would not be good for any of the children to see her like this. It would be even worse for Scott to see her like this; he would guess immediately that all hope of having Jean home in any way was gone. Storm quickly made her way through the halls and up the stairs to Scott's new room. She had no doubt that that was where he'd be. He had barely left the room for the last week, only venturing out into the mansion for brief meetings with the Professor, and once when the Professor asked him to take a meal with the students, so that they could know how he was doing. He had been obviously putting up a front through the whole night, and was undoubtedly exhausted from the ruse by the time he retired for the night.
Storm rapped her knuckles against the heavy wooden door.
"Scott?" She heard rustling movement inside the room, and could tell Scott had been lying down. Soon, the door cracked open, and she could barely see his visor and rumpled hair. No lights were on inside the room, and the curtains were drawn tight against the sun.
"Hi, Scott." No response. "Um...the professor would like to see you in his office." There was an almost imperceptible nod from Scott before he closed the door again. Storm sighed and walked away, knowing Scott would need a few minutes before he was ready. She went back to the Professor's office and knocked on his door.
Thank you, Ororo. If you don't mind, I'd think it would be easier if it were just Scott and myself.
Of course, Professor. I'll be in my room if you need me.
The Professor was next to the window, looking out but not seeing anything, when a second knock sounded at his door.
Come in Scott. Thank you for responding so quickly.
The door creaked as the leader of the X-Men entered his surrogate father's office. He didn't say anything, and the Professor had yet to turn away from the window.
"Have a seat, Scott." Scott did so, and the Professor finally turned around to greet him. No traces of the tears that had marred his face just a few minutes ago were visible. Stopping in front of his first student, the Professor drew in a shaky breath.
"Scott. Evan finished at Alkali Lake." Scott's entire body stiffened; he clenched his jaw and turned his head. Even after dealing with the visor for more than a decade, he still instinctively would not meet anyone's eyes when overcome with emotion. He didn't want anyone to see weakness, even though intellectually he knew that all they would see was the red of his glasses.
"I'm sorry, Scott. He couldn't find Jean."
Scott released the breath he had been holding and lowered his head.
"Thank you, Professor." He stood and walked toward the door. Stopping before he opened it, he slightly turned his head but did not look back completely. "I would like some time off. I can't be here anymore. She's here...everywhere."
"Of course, Scott. You could have asked a week ago. Take as much time as you need."
Scott nodded briefly, opened the door and left. As he was closing the door behind him, the Professor's voice sounded in his mind.
I'm sorry, my son. I love you.
A sharp pain stung through Scott's heart. He stumbled back to his room, mind focused only on packing his things and leaving the mansion far behind. He didn't think he'd ever be able to come back, but he couldn't tell the Professor that. He didn't think the Professor would allow him to indulge in such self-pity when the mission still needed to be fought. He certainly couldn't tell the Professor that if he allowed himself to, he wouldn't be here anymore. He would be with his Jean. He would have preferred to be with her at the end, but Logan wouldn't let him. And that was another thing he felt guilty for - he was afraid that it wasn't Logan that stopped him from dying in the end. He was afraid that he hadn't been strong enough, and had let Logan stop him. He felt that was the ultimate betrayal to Jean.
* * *
As the rest of the teachers and students of Xavier's School for the Gifted sat down for dinner, Scott stole down to the garage. Throwing a couple of bags into the backseat of the BMW, he slid into the seat. He revved the engine, opened the garage door and pulled out. He drove slowly and carefully down the driveway. He may have been taking a break from the teaching, but he was still a teacher at heart; he knew that his actions taught more than words. As much as he loved fast vehicles, he also respected them and wanted the students to learn to respect them as well.
However, once he was out of sight of the school, his need to be as far away from all things Jean forced him to speed up, and he was soon going much faster than the speed limit. A twinge of regret filled him for not saying goodbye to the others, especially Ororo and Bobby, but he didn't think he would've been able to leave if he had seen the pain in their eyes. The Professor would have to tell them why he left. Hopefully, they would forgive him, but as he still didn't know if he would ever be returning to Westchester, it wasn't a major concern. His main concern was getting away. Far, far away.