Chapter 5
Jean wandered the darkened halls of the mansion, unable to sleep. But that was nothing new. After she regained her strength, she only got a few hours a night. Instead, her dreams were filled with her fears for Scott. He had been missing for about three and a half months now. No one dared broach the subject to her or the Professor, but she knew what people whispered in the halls and classrooms before she entered. Maybe they're right. Maybe he is dead... What other explanation could there be for Cerebro to be unable to locate him?
Jean stumbled, grabbing on to the wall for support. She sniffed and wiped tears from her eyes, and the ever-present imaginary hand squeezed her heart painfully. She finally succumbed to the sorrow that had been trying to conquer her for the last couple of weeks. Sliding to the ground, her sobs echoed in the halls as she came to grips for the first time that she would never see Scott again. Never be in his arms. Never tease a smile out of the fearless, stoic leader of the X-Men. Never feel honored that he let her in on his fears, hopes and past hurt. Never let him be strong for her when she needed to cry in his arms.
Never be his wife. Never bear his children.
The nevers crashed down on her like waves bringing grief and anger. Anger at the world for taking him away, and even anger at him for leaving her. The sobs grew louder and more intense, and the outside world faded around her. When the strong arms wrapped around her and gathered her against his chest, rocking her back and forth, she thought for a moment that it was Scott, back from the grave to comfort her once again. Only after the comfort of the embrace and the soft words whispered in her ear had soothed her enough did reason return, and she pulled slightly away.
Shock and embarrassment filled her, and she jumped from Logan's arms. Wiping away the tears, she began to stutter apologies. He grabbed her by the wrist, shushing her.
"Jean." She grew quiet and allowed him to draw her in again. He stared into her eyes, lifted his hand and gently wiped at the tears still marring her cheeks. "Jean. You've been strong for too long. Let it out. Grieve for him. Only then can you start to heal."
His entire speech had been in the same comforting whisper that had harmonized with her sobs just a few minutes earlier. Part of her wondered if he had been so quiet because he didn't want anyone to see or hear him being sensitive. The other part wondered if he could tell that anything louder would have been the last straw for her shot nerves.
Jean sighed, her breath catching in her throat over the sobs that were still waiting to be released. She leaned back against Logan's broad chest and tried to ignore the guilt that filled her for being so close to the man Scott had felt so threatened by. She hoped that, wherever he was, he would understand that she needed this more than she had even known. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply, enjoying the pure man scent Logan exuded. The exhaustion of her crying and the lack of sleep caught up to her; she felt herself drowsing off. Just before she fell completely asleep, Logan whispered again - this time a request she had never expected from him.
"Tell me how you two got together."
The invisible hand grasped her heart again, and hot tears sprung to her eyes. Flashes of long ago days, secret smiles and stolen kisses passed across her memory, but she knew realistically that those days were also filled with guilt and concern about the appropriateness of dating someone so much younger than she. Fear that it was, on his part, only a crush that would disappear once the chase was over. It had taken a long time to believe that he truly cared for her, and an even longer time to get past the embarrassment of people's looks and snide comments about their age gap. But, oh had it been worth it!
The stories started spilling out in no discernable order. Logan would comment now and then, but he primarily just let her talk. And talk and talk. After a few hours of reliving the best and worst times of her relationship with Scott, the tears seemed to be gone and in their place a quiet love and resignation. And the knowledge that she had the strength to get past her loss.
Exhausted from the long night of reminiscing, she allowed Logan to walk her back to her room, where she curled up on the bed and he pulled the covers up and around her shoulders. He bent down, whispered sleep well into her ear and kissed her softly on the temple. He stole across to the door of Jean's and Scott's room. Just Jean's room now, he reminded himself. Opening it, he slipped out and tried to close it softly.
Turning around, he was forced to stop quickly to avoid running into Rogue, Bobby and some of the other students. Rogue raised an eyebrow at the sight of him coming out of Jean's room so early in the morning, but she couldn't comment before she had to rush to catch up with the rest of them. He heard giggling from the group, as a few members turned back to look at him and then walked with their heads together, gossiping about him and Jean. His advanced hearing allowed him to catch some of the comments, and he walked in the opposite direction, not wanting to hear them.
He did still care for Jean, and he had to admit, very guiltily, to himself that the idea that she was free now did make him hope that someday he would have a chance. But he knew that day wouldn't be for a while, as Jean only just started dealing with the issue last night. And he cared too much for her to push her until she was ready. Furthermore, he had started to like Scott in the week between Jean's "death" and his departure, when they often talked about their mutual loss.
The leader of the X-men, who no longer felt threatened by him since neither man could have Jean, had opened up to him as much as Logan figured he did to anyone other than Jean and the Professor. Because of the friendly feelings toward Scott that had developed over that short amount of time, Logan, out of respect, felt it would be wrong to pursue Jean so quickly after his apparent death. But he knew that's what the students suspected and, by the time breakfast ended, it would be known by the entire school that Logan had spent last night with Jean. He hoped that the students would respect Jean enough not to assume she had done anything inappropriate. And he especially hoped they would not bring the subject up to her.
Entering his own room in the mansion, Logan stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower. Finished, he quickly put on new clothes and went down to breakfast. As expected, several conversations stopped when he entered the dining hall. Glaring at everyone, he grabbed some food and sat by the Professor, Ororo and Kurt.
Looking up, he found Ororo glaring at him.
Crap. She's heard the rumors and probably feels like she has to be mad at me on Scott's behalf.
He looked right back at her with a neutral face, yet his eyes dared her to question him.
Don't be angry with Logan, Ro. Logan jumped, glancing over at the Professor, who winked at him to let him know he was letting him hear what he was saying to Storm for a reason. Nothing untoward happened between him and Jean last night. He just helped her come to terms with some things. Things, I think, you should also face.
And even if Logan decides to someday pursue Jean, you should not be upset with either of them. We must all realize that Scott may no longer have a claim on her heart.
The Professor's last words were filled with grief, and his troubled face reflected his pain. Ororo's eyes filled with tears, and she quickly stood, practically running from the room. Logan watched her leave, then turned back to the Professor. He was no longer looking at Logan, but toward the window. Furiously blinking, he was clearly fighting the tears. Logan's heart filled with hope that these people would eventually heal. He also found himself selfishly hoping that he would someday inspire such love in them as Scott did.
* * *
It was about two in the afternoon when Jean woke up. She stretched slowly across the bed, groaning yet feeling more refreshed than she had since she had returned to Westchester to find Scott gone from her life. Finally, real life intruded upon her as she burst out of bed, upset with herself for sleeping through most of her classes.
Don't worry, Jean. I knew you needed your rest. Ororo and I handled your classes earlier today, and I am right now with your last class. Enjoy the rest of day.
Jean sighed, her shoulders slumping as her heart started to slow down from it's erratic beat. Thank you, Professor. I'm sorry I acted so irresponsible.
Oh, Jean. Don't be silly. He paused, and Jean could feel the uncertainty in his mind. I love you, my girl. I cannot tell you how glad that you are back home with us. I am especially glad because I...I know that I'm not alone in my grief for my son. Jean's face scrunched up as she fought back tears, this time not for Scott or for herself, but for the man who loved Scott more than anyone else, even more than Jean had loved him. Scott was the Professor's son in all but one sense of the word, and Jean knew he would never recover from the loss of him - and not just because of the irrevocable loss to the school and the X-Men.
* * *
Logan was sitting in the living room, staring at the TV screen and not seeing any of the program that was on. Rogue entered the room behind him and watched him for a few seconds before speaking.
"Enjoying Trading Spaces?'
Logan turned to face her, a dazed expression on his face. "What?"
"Never mind." She walked over and sat on the couch next to him, pulling her legs up underneath her. "So what's up?"
"Nothing, just relaxing."
"Uh huh. You must be tired after last night..." She tilted her head, wondering if he'd take the bait. He glanced over at her with an exasperated expression on his face, and then focused back on the TV screen. Watching for a few seconds, he grimaced at the show and its entire concept before using the remote to turn it off with a sound of disgust.
"Nice try, Rogue. If you want to know something, just ask."
Rogue blushed, but her curiosity overcame the initial embarrassment, and she blurted out the question that every student wanted to know the answer to. "Are you and Dr. Grey together?"
"No." Rogue's shoulders slumped, disappointed that she couldn't be privy to the much sought after gossip. Yet her face seemed almost relieved, which confused Logan very much.
"Then why were you coming out of her room this morning?"
"Jean couldn't sleep last night, and neither could I. We talked for a few hours, and I escorted her back to her room. That's all that happened, and neither of us wanted anything else to happen."
"Do you think that will change in the future?"
Logan paused, unsure of how to answer that question. He certainly couldn't speak for Jean, but he couldn't lie - he wanted it to happen someday, but only if Jean wanted the same. He didn't know if he could handle being in a relationship with someone in love with a ghost.
"I don't know."
Rogue lifted an eyebrow again and smiled slightly. "I think that would be good for Dr. Grey. And I know it would be good for you. But don't lead her on. If you're not going to stick around, then don't start anything. She doesn't deserve to lose two people." Her lecture done, Rogue untangled herself and stood up. "You're a good man, Logan, and a good friend." She reached out one gloved hand to rest on his cheek, looked in his eyes for a second and walked away from him.