*Title: As We Are
*Author: Jania Jitsu
*Disclaimer: The characters still aren't mine and I'm sure we're all just *weeping*.
*Feedback: jania_jitsu@yahoo.com
*Summary: In an alternate universe, Dumbledore does not become headmaster in time for Remus to go to Hogwarts.
***
"Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." --Braveheart
** Part Three ** When Trouble Comes Around **
Remus remembered how to get into Hogwarts from the secret passage in Honeyduke's that Professor Dumbledore had showed him the last time. He had made sure to memorize the way so no one would have to take the time to help him this time. Unfortunately, the secret passage ended up at a statue of a witch inside the school. Remus would have to sneak out of the school and get into the little house before the moon rose.
He listened carefully. It didn't sound like anyone was near. He muttered the password that opened the passage and after a quick check he got out. Professor Dumbledore had advised him to walk quickly but confidently, and not to run. Remus felt like running, and he had never walked confidently in his life!
But the castle proved beautiful and exotic enough to keep him at a very fast walk, and the only thing that kept him from stalling to gape at the various paintings and objects was the knowledge that he had to get to that shack before nightfall.
The school nurse, Madam Pomfrey, was waiting for Remus at the big tree with the branches that swirled around like a storm. Remus abandoned all pretenses and ran to her.
"Don't worry," she said with a smile that surprised Remus with its warmth, "you're pretty early. Now, I'm going to show you how to do this in case of an emergency, but normally you're to wait for Albus-- Professor Dumbledore, that is-- or another staff member, like me. Watch."
She grabbed a large stick and poked a particular knot in the tree with it. The tree's branches calmed, as if it had suddenly gone to sleep. Remus took this opportunity to go through another secret passage that had opened up, and found himself inside his full moon home.
***
Sirius went to the Three Broomsticks that night, but the angel wasn't there. Sirius shuddered as he snuck back into Hogwarts-- something in the old shack was screaming. Could it be ghosts? Sirius would have to investigate some time. Right now he was strangely torn between fleeing (the sensible thing) and running to the howl (where the hell did *that* come from?!).
The angel wasn't there the next night either. Sirius became worried. Had he moved on to somewhere else? Had he left, guessing what Sirius felt about him? Was he merely a figment of Sirius's often overactive (but only recently homosexual) imagination?
Sirius didn't know, but he was beginning to get antsy, especially when James pulled him aside to talk, despite Lily's previous admonitions.
"Listen," James said quietly, "you've been acting really off lately. You barely eat, and you never say much. You haven't played a prank in forever! And for the past two nights you've been going down to Hogsmeade, I know it. What's up, Sirius? What are you looking for?"
Sirius hesitated to answer. "I can't tell you."
James was taken aback. His eyes went wide and he even took a step backwards, as if to get a better view of something.
"What?" he breathed.
Sirius screwed his eyes tightly shut and repeated the most difficult sentence he had ever uttered in his life: "I can't tell you."
In all the time that they had been friends-- which was a very, very long time-- there had never been a single thing that James Potter and Sirius Black couldn't share with each other. Sirius could guess how James would react, and he was right.
James tried to act as if he weren't hurt, but he didn't do too good a job of it. It showed on his face and in his words. "Oh. Well, all right then. I see how it is. All right. Well... well, if you ever think you *can* tell me then you do that."
"I'll tell you eventually, Jim," Sirius said, with hopes of placating his friend, "I just have to sort things out first."
"No," James said, already beginning to walk away, "that's all right. Really. We can't tell each other *everything* I suppose."
When James was gone, Sirius began to bang his head on the wall. What was he going to do about this? Was a boy he didn't even know really worth damaging his friendship with James? What Sirius really wanted was everything: the angel and his friends.
But how the hell was Sirius supposed to tell them all that he was a "pouf"?
***
Remus woke up in the infirmary, feeling absolutely drained. A quick check: sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch all okay.
Remus wiggled his fingers and stretched a few muscles to test them. This was the best he'd ever felt after a full moon! It was amazing! Sure, he still felt achy all over, but it certainly wasn't that mind-numbing pain he was used to.
On top of that, he wouldn't have to cover up any scratches or bruises. Like last time, he had no bandages. Madam Pomfrey-- the Hogwarts school nurse-- had healed all the injuries that the wolf had tried to inflict on Remus. (Remus's theory was that it sensed the human blood within him.)
Remus usually didn't remember much that went on while he was the wolf. Often all the had of the night was a confusing collage of vague details. This time he remembered the wolf tearing him up more horribly than usual, though he had no idea why.
He also remembered it howling. Now, the wolf howling was not unusual in itself, but it was the particular *type* of howl that had Remus worried.
The wolf had been howling for its mate.
***
It wasn't that James was ignoring Sirius. It wasn't that James wasn't talking to him. It wasn't that James was even being *rude* to Sirius. It was just that James wasn't all that great at hiding it when he was hurt.
Sirius, for his part, felt terrible that he couldn't talk to his best friend about this. After all, if he couldn't talk to his very best friend who *could* he talk to?
'You could talk to the angel!' a voice that sounded remarkably like Lily's chided him in his head.
'I've been looking!' Sirius whined back. 'He hasn't been around.'
'Did you ask Madam Rosmerta where he is?'
Sirius didn't reply.
'I thought not. Now get your ass back into Hogsmeade and look for him!'
'Yes, ma'am!' Sirius had to restrain himself from actually saluting the imaginary Lily.
Suddenly motivated, Sirius leapt up from his seat in the common room and would have dashed out through the portrait had he not run smack-dab into James.
There was a pause.
"Going out?"
"Umm... yeah, actually."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well, then. I guess I'll see you."
"Yeah."
Sirius watched James walk off and felt like something was being stabbed into his heart. It seemed that this was his year for strange new feelings. He didn't like how things stood between him and his best friend, but he just didn't want to tell James yet.
'I mean, honestly,' he told the Lily in his head, 'what if I go talk to the angel and he doesn't swing like that? Or if he does, but he just doesn't like me? If that happens and I haven't told James, I don't have to deal with awkwardness. I can just say that I was chasing a bird and she didn't go for me. That's it.'
Sirius had made it to Hogsmeade by that time. After leaving Honeydukes (where the secret passage lead out to) he made his way to the Three Broomsticks. The lights were out and the sign said 'Closed for the night!' in red letters that shimmered and sparkled.
Sirius then proceeded to utter every curse word he knew, along with some he just kind of made up on the spot.
In the middle of this, just like in some Muggle movie, Sirius heard a voice behind him: "Is something wrong?"
Sirius stopped kicking the wall and turned around.
***
End Part Three.
***
End Notes: Okay, I realize that Harry opened the passage to Hogsmeade with his wand and a word, but let's say that word was just a password and you don't have to have a wand, okay? Suspension of disbelief is lovely, ain't it?