*Title: As We Are
*Author: Jania Jitsu
*Disclaimer: I'll be singing the blues until the day the Harry Potter universe belongs to me. My voice is already pretty sore, so I'm hoping I get it soon.
*Feedback: jania_jitsu@yahoo.com
*Summary: In an alternate universe, Dumbledore does not become headmaster in time for Remus to go to Hogwarts.
***
"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." --Anaïs Nin
** Part Six ** Just As You Are **
That weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend, and all the students in Hogwarts of third year and above were ecstatic. It was the last weekend before Christmas holiday and people were getting last-minute shopping done, and taking dates out to do romantic things.
Lily and James had reluctantly abandoned Sirius for this very reason. They weren't going to at first but Sirius forced them to because he knew damn well-- even if Lily didn't-- that James was clutching a black velvet ring box in his pocket.
Peter had soon after left Sirius as well, to go talk to a sweet blonde Hufflepuff named Sara-Anne Morrow. They were quite perfect for each other in Sirius's opinion. Almost as perfect as James and Lily.
And so Sirius walked around Hogsmeade alone. He meandered by shops, barely noticing the things in the windows he was staring at and sometimes not even looking at the windows at all.
It was on one of those stretches of not actually looking at the windows that Sirius had a stroke of luck: out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of gold.
After pausing for less than a second to reflect that this was how it all began, Sirius ran over to Remus to say hello. Unfortunately, that's not exactly what came out.
"Aren't you bloody cold without a jacket on?"
Remus nearly jumped a mile and almost dropped the envelopes he was carrying. Clearly, Sirius had surprised him.
"Oh. Hello, Sirius," he said nervously, looking everywhere but at Sirius. "I'm just out here to get Mrs. Arthur's mail."
At this point Sirius blushed, realizing that he had unconsciously walked to Remus's apartment building. He was grateful that the cold covered it up.
"I figured I didn't really need a coat. Plus... um... well, I can't accept your gift. I know it was you that sent the coat and the gloves, and I'm very grateful, but if I accept them..."
Remus didn't finish the sentence, but he didn't have to. Sirius got the meaning anyway.
"You can accept them without having to accept me," he said softly. "They're a Christmas present. Can't have you going cold out here."
"Sirius..." Remus began.
"No, it's all right. No matter what you say it'll hurt anyhow."
"You don't understand..."
"I just want to know one thing, Remus: When you kissed me back... why? Did you feel something, or what? What made you kiss me back?"
Remus closed his eyes. "Sirius," he said slowly, "this isn't what you think it is. I'm not what you think I am."
"Well, then, what the hell are you?!" Sirius nearly shouted. "Are you straight? Gay? Bi? Asexual? Alien? Just not in love with me? Give me something to go on here!"
"It's not you," Remus said quietly. "It's me. I can't fall in love."
Sirius was shocked. "What? Of course you can fall in love; everyone can fall in love! My friend Peter fell in love, and he's the mousiest little bastard--"
"I'm not your friend Peter! Something like me should not fall in love with people!"
Realizing his mistake, Remus clapped a hand over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head a few times. Sirius was perfectly still for almost a minute.
"What do you mean, 'should not'?" he finally asked. "What do you mean, 'some*thing*'?"
***
"What on Earth are we doing here?" Lily giggled as she and James trudged through snow.
"Hang on." James lifted her up effortlessly (silently thanking all that Quidditch training for bulking him up a bit) and plopped her down on a low-hanging tree branch which he had just cleared of snow.
"Why, thank you Mr Potter," Lily said with another giggle.
"You're welcome, Miss Evans," James said, "but that's what I want to talk to you about."
"Thanking people?"
"No, my silly darling, last names."
Lily's eyebrows shot up as she began to formulate suspicions about the direction the conversation was taking, but she tried to remain composed as she said, "Go on, then. What was it?"
James coughed and tried to remember the words that he had rehearsed. He couldn't, so he quickly 'pulled some shit out of his arse' as Sirius would say. As it turned out, what he said straight from his heart came out better than any speech he could have written.
"Well, Lily, we've... er... we've been going out for a while now. I know this may be too soon for you, and I know we're really young, but I also know that I love you--" here he pulled the ring box out of his pocket-- "and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
He looked up into his girlfriend's beautiful face.
"Cor, Lily, why in hell're you crying?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll put the ring away; I'll take it back--"
"Jamie, you idiot!" Lily laughed, wiping her eyes. "I'm crying because I'm so damn happy! Of course I'll marry you, you stupid prat!"
James paused with the ring halfway back into his pocket. "Really?"
"Really."
They grinned, and kissed, and all was perfect in their little world.
***
Remus said nothing at first but then he swallowed, gathered his courage, and carefully said, "There are things about me that you don't know, Sirius, and I bet you wouldn't still say you love me if you did."
"You don't know that," Sirius challenged, "and you never will unless you tell me so you may as well."
There was a silence, then Remus nodded. "All right. Let's start with my brother, Romulus. I told you he was dead."
"Right."
"He died because a werewolf attacked us one night. We were playing out in the woods by our home when we shouldn't have been."
"But you got away okay?"
Remus took a deep breath. "Not exactly."
He undid three of the buttons on his shirt and pushed it down so it exposed his left shoulder, where Sirius could barely make out a thin, pearly-white scar.
It suddenly clicked.
"Ohhh..." he breathed, eyes transfixed on the shoulder. "Those two days I was looking for you... the first..."
"Was the full moon. The second I was recovering; though it really didn't take too long, since Madam Pomfrey at Hogwarts was kind enough to help me."
"Hogwarts?"
"I stay at a little house just off grounds. The only way to enter it is through a secret passage on the Hogwarts grounds."
"The howling I heard... that was you!"
"Yes."
"But..." Sirius frowned. "Why can't you fall in love?"
"Come on," Remus laughed; not cruelly, but harshly, "you can't be serious." (Here Sirius resisted the urge to joke, which was rather difficult for him.) "Every full moon I transform into a horrible beast of the night that everyone hates and wants to kill off. Madam Rosmerta barely hired me, and I think she only did out of guilt and pity. Countless people before that have sent me out. They warned other shop owners about me. When I was nine, I ran into an amateur werewolf hunter and barely got away with my life.
"Would *you* want to be with a werewolf? Would you want to fall in love with a werewolf, and kiss a werewolf, and hold him, and sleep with him, all the while knowing what he is?"
Sirius had been in a state of numbness before, but now the fog in his brain cleared.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, I would."
Remus was taken aback. "Come again?"
"I'll not respond to that. That'll make it the second joke I've resisted making during this oh-so-solemn discussion. Anyhow, I said, Remus Lupin, that I love you. I love you just as you are; be you werewolf, or circus performer, or even Slytherin. Now, do you love me or don't you?"
"I believe I may," Remus murmured.
Sirius grinned what must have been the broadest grin he had ever produced in his seventeen years. "Well, then, stop standing over there all sexy-like in your half-unbuttoned shirt and get the hell over here so I can kiss you properly!"
Remus smiled the first genuine smile that Sirius had ever seen on him.
***
James and Lily ran hand-in-hand through Hogsmeade. They saw Peter with a Hufflepuff and decided not to disturb him; instead running off to search for Sirius.
They were getting into the poorer section of Hogsmeade and were about to turn back when they saw a small group of people in a semi-circle all staring at something and whispering things.
James and Lily looked at each other, nodded, and began to push through the people to see what they were staring at.
Sure enough, they had found Sirius. He was lip-locked with the blond waiter from the Three Broomsticks; the both of them wrapped up as well as they could be in Sirius's black leather jacket.
"Disgraceful!" one middle-aged wizard spat out.
"In public!" a witch added.
"Isn't it sweet?" Lily replied with a smile, making sure to wave with the hand that had her new engagement ring on it.
"Sirius Black!" James called out. "I should have known you'd be in the center of a big, scandalized crowd!"
Sirius and Remus looked up, finally noticing the crowd. Remus had the good grace to look embarrassed. He blushed profusely and hid his face.
Sirius, however, was much more brazen than that. He grinned and shouted, "Oh, you like to watch, do you? That's quite pervy, you know!" The crowd made astonished noises as he and his lover kissed once more before going to join James and Lily.
"James, Lily," Sirius said proudly, "this is Remus Lupin and he's my boyfriend. Remus, this is James and Lily. Judging by the rock on Lily's hand, James got up the courage to propose, so they'll both be named Potter soon."
Remus shifted nervously. "We'll have a lot to explain to them..."
"Ah, don't worry about it! If James and Lily can handle me, they'll love you just as you are."
***
End Part Six.
***
End Notes: Yay! I can't believe I finished this! I'm notoriously bad at finishing fics, so this is pretty good for me. I'm considering writing a tiny little sequel to this, because there are a few things that never made it into this one. For instance: Madam Rosmerta finds out about Remy and Siri; James and Lily get married; I was going to go further into the fact that Remy is magical but has never been to school; I was going to have a werewolf hunter come around; I was going to explain the "arrangement" that Madam Rosmerta and the three AU Marauders have; and other things. Instead I wrote a pathetic little fluffy thing. How sad. : D
PS: How obvious is it that I wrote this pre-OotP? ; D