Shadow of a Spirit
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.
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I walk my chosen path...
Always searching...
My humble rags I found, scattered among dustbins,
I clutch to myself...
But they provide little comfort from the cold.
My face is black, like the night sky above.
Whether it was always like that...
... or if it came from the filth...
I don't remember...
... but I know that my face
Is not as black as my heart...
My soul, dead...
... having faced death...
... seen death...
... cheated death...
Black as death...
... yet...
Death is not as dark as it seems.
For every deserving spirit...
... a bright light shines beyond the darkness...
A precious gift, that only the pure can see.
I sit against the cool, wet grass...
I close my eyes quietly
And rest my head against my chest...
The moon shines brightly overhead...
... the stars guide me to my temporary bed...
... I wonder what happened to those I left behind...
My heart yearns for the angel I lost an era ago...
Dreams begin to flit across my closed eyelids...
I open them, and see a sparkling wonderland before me.
Dewdrops, sitting like tiny crystals, adorn the blades of grass...
A lake looms straight ahead,
Reflecting the black, starry sky.
I compel my feet to take me a little further...
I stare into the smooth luster of the water...
... perfect, clear, pure...
I can hardly see myself...
The moon reflects so little of the sun's light.
... that is what I am...
... a mere reflection...
... of who I really am.
So little light can reach my body...
... less reflects to the surface of the water.
The only things I can clearly see...
... are my eyes.
My eyes...
Not young, or innocent...
Not like the eyes of my...
... dare I say...
... friends...
... no.
My eyes, shielded from the sun...
Hidden in shadows...
... they finally show themselves in the pale moonlight...
My eyes, that reflect the deepest yearnings of my soul...
And the water, reflecting my eyes...
... a mirror.
A mirror... shows a reflection.
Exactly the same, yet somehow different...
This mirror reflects my shadowed self...
Night...
... the night is synonymous...
... to me...
... dark, quiet,
Hidden from your average person.
A shadow of the daytime.
Yet, like a mirror...
... it is the same...
These things...
... shadows...
... mirrors...
... the night...
They are all related...
... but different.
Like... myself.
I am the same...
... but different.
I am the same as anything else alive.
But I am different...
... so different...
I have chosen to live where I thought I belonged.
In the shadows... in the night...
... never seeing the day break...
... always seeing a dark night...
... never to see the golden sun...
... always to live by the silver moon...
What am I afraid of?
The sun... the moon...
The day... the night...
The light... the darkness...
... life, death...
They are opposites...
... yet exist in harmony.
Have I tried to exile myself from reality?
What am I hiding from?
Life, death...
... I am alive... but she...
... she is...
Ripples form on the water's surface...
As drops fall... from my shadowed eyes.
I scorn myself.
More contrasts...
... courage, fear...
... truth, lies...
... even...
... love, hate...
Why am I running?
Why do I run from those who I know will accept me?
... love, hate...
... love...
... I am afraid.
I am afraid... to love... to feel compassion...
I wanted only happiness...
... it is the way of nature...
Everyone wants pure happiness...
... yet...
Joy and sorrow...
For with happiness...
... comes sadness...
Aching sadness...
... burning sadness...
A sadness that tears your heart, your soul, your spirit...
I am afraid that if I love... I will hurt...
... again...
Through my silent tears, I sigh at my feelings.
If I choose to love, I will hurt...
If I refuse to love, I will hurt...
... but the hurt that comes from not loving...
... it burns, ten times more painfully...
I close my streaming eyes and make a conscious thought...
... because...
... I love my world.
I love my life.
I love those around me.
I can feel compassion...
... empathy...
I can care...
... once again...
When I open myself up to those things I ran from...
... the sun...
Day...
Light...
... love...
Then... I can see from both sides of a mirror.
I am no longer a shadow.
I can be free...
... free...
A light and a darkness...
... one whole being...
Balanced, complete...
... I turn backwards, to head to my...
... home...
... my friends... those who I mistakenly left...
... I am no longer a shadow of a spirit.