Author's note:...
WOW! I made 3 chapters! WOO HOO! And people actually review it! I am so
happy! Thanks, guys! Oh, and by the way, I am so sorry--this sounds very
self-absorbed of me to say this, but in POA they didn't have George and
Fred tell Harry about Lupin...That was book 4 where they talked about Mad-
Eye Moody. Sorry! I just wanted to get that straightened out, because I
know Harry's wasn't his first class, they have theirs in the afternoon and
he probably taught before then, but still---I thought it'd sound good.
Okay!
This next chapter has slash, so if you are against that--run. Run far from here.
Dear Diary...
Yes, it has been a while since I have written...but only a week!! Heh, I've been somewhat busy...
Severus has warmed up a bit, to the point where he will make the potion for me. I think that was Dumbledore's orders as well. I walked into his office about 2 days ago and was about to ask him about it, not knowing the outcome at all.
"Severus?....Severus, may I enter?" I asked, knocking on his door. I heard shuffling and a THUD then a rather feeble--
"Just a secooond!!" I laughed and stood at the door, waiting for him to pull it open and say--
"Oh, it's you," he said, just as I expected. I smiled at this, and he raised an eyebrow. I quickly stopped smiling.
"Severus, I have a request, you are totally well to not want to--"
Severus smirked. "Wolfsbane potion. I know, Remus."
"Are you alr--"
"Perfectly fine. Now, if you don't mind--" he shoved me out of the doorway and shut the door.
That went smoothly!
Moony
Dear Diary...
Yes, I didn't write in a long time, I know, I know. Well! It's Halloween!
I remember the old days....I sound like my grandfather....
Anyhow, I had a nice little chat with Harry today.
It went something like this:
I was in my office, unpackaging my Grindylow. I sat down and looked at it, grinning, and then picked up a book. Upon turning the first page I heard a shout echoing through the halls. I leaned back and looked out the door, which stood ajar.
"Nothing!! A likely story! Sneaking around on your own-why aren't you in Hogemeade bying Stink Pellats (A classic. We had so many uses for them) and Belch Powder (Sirius used to use this one on Severus. it always brought laughs.) and Whizzing Worms--(Ah yes, Wizzing Worms, a little firecracker James always bought that he would set off in the Girl's bathroom. How he never got caught I never knew.) like the rest of your nasty little friends?" a pause, most likely with an answer from the poor child being maimed by Flich. "Well, get back to your common room where you belong!"
I chuckled softly to myself and waited for the blow to fall on the innocent (or not, if it was Fred or George Weasley) student. A black haired child with ragged clothes walked by my door and I got up to the door.
"Harry?" The boy turned around, showing it was indeed Harry. I smiled. "What're you doing? Where are Ron and Hermione?'
"Hogsmeade," he answered, looking a bit downtrodden. I started to wonder why and then quickly remembered--Sirius.
"Ah...Well, why don't you come in? I've just taken delivery of a grindylow for our next lesson." I turned around gleefully at the mention of my grindylow and walked towards the corner with the tank.
"A what?" he asked awkwardly. He came inside and spotted the green, horned creature with his long fingers on the glass. It grimaced and glided into the sea-ferns.
"Water demon. We shouldn't have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas (Japanese water imps the size of a ten-year old with the face of a monkey, a long beak-like nose, a tortise shell covering its back, having webbed hands and feet.) The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong, but very brittle." I grinned broadly and then turned around, looking for my kettle. "Cup of tea? I was just thinking of making one..."
"All right..." Harry responded, still awkward.
I asked him to sit down and told him I had only tea bags, hinting a bit towards the tea-leaf incident. He wasn't worried, apparently--which was good. Professor Trelawny, as I am told, predicts at least one false death each year, and thought it'd start a good rumor to have Harry Potter be the one to "die". That was surprising to me, but I remembered how nobody in Hogwarts was quite boring. We sipped our tea until I noticed he looked a bit...troubled. "Anything worrying you, Harry?"
"No..." he drank some more tea and looked at the grindylow, who, as I saw, was brandishing a fist at him. I shook my head at the creature and he disappeared once more. Harry turned my attention from the tank with a TINK of the teacup being set down abruptly and an even more abrupt,"Yes. You kow that day we fought the boggart?"
"Yeees," I said, slowly. I had hoped nothing went wrong with the lesson?
"Why didn't you let me fight it!?" he said suddenly.
I raised my eyebrows, this was surprising."I would have thought that was obvious, Harry."
"Why?" he asked, all the more confused.
"Well, I suumed that if the boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort"--Maybe I shouldn't have said Voldemort's name....He stared at me after this, but I continued talking. "Clearly I was wrong, but I didn't think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staffroom. I imagined that people would panic."
"I didn't think of Voldemort," he said, I could hear that he was being honest. But what did he fear more than him? It had to be rather terrible, because he even said Voldemort's name as I had. "I---I remembered those dementors."
I was taken aback from this. I nodded thoughtfully, considering all he had just said in its fullest detail. "Ah...I see. Well, well...I'm impressed." Harry looked genuinely surprised at this, which made me smile a bit." That suggests that what you fear the most of all is---fear. Very wise, Harry." Harry seemed a bit esteemed by this, and drank his tea in silence. "So, you've been thinking that i didn't believe you capable of fighting the boggart?"
"Well...yeah," Harry grinned, seeing how it was all a big mistake. "Say, Professor Lupin, you know the dementors----" Harry was interrupted by Snape, who had walked in with the Wolfsbane. He stopped and looked at Harry with the kind of dislike he showed to all of us Marauders. Showed that his hate for James came in the will. I smiled against my will.
"Ah, Severys. Thanks very much. Could you leave it on the desk for me?" Severus slowly put down the goblet, at first his eyes set on Harry, then glancing over to me. I felt weird under his gaze, my blood turning cold. I ignored it and kept smiling uneasily. "I was just showing Harry my grindylow," I said pleasantly, pointing with my thumb at the tank, quickly taking my eyes off him and on the water demon I had enclosed. But Severus kept staring at me.
"Fascinating," he said, not even looking at it. He straightened up with a look of power, but seemed more gentle than usual...a gentle authority figure with flickering eyes. How contridicting... "You should drink that directly, Lupin. "
"Yes, yes, I will." I looked at the goblet mockingly, hating every bit of it and the reason it was made.
'I made an entire cauldronfil, if you need more..."
I looked up and smiled. "I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."
'Not at all." He backed out of the room weirdly and left me close to shivering again. I told Harry that it was just a regular potion, trying to keep all doubts about me off the topic, even though I had risked quite a bit with my Full-Moon Boggart...That was dumb, Remus...really imbecilistic... Harry left and I went back to working.
Off to the feast now, Diary!! Bye bye, Happy Halloween!
Remus
Dear Diary,
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...
Sirius is here. Sirius is in Hogwarts...
I want to rush to him, have him hold me in his arms, tell me he was innocent, give me proof....
Oh Sirius....why did you do any of this? How could you betray James? Why did you have to ignore me after they made you the secret-keeper? Did you know that you'd be the one to end their life? Or were you one of those last- second traitors? ...Why? WHY, SIRIUS! Sometimes I just can't take it any more. I LOVED you. I fricken' LOVED you....and I thought you loved me....I thought you loved James (in a friend way) and you gave in so easily...and you want to kill Harry. I cannot believe you....I cannot believe myself....
Severus was able to...er-comfort me. After we searched for the Fat Lady he walked me back to my room, I was in shock--barely breathing...Why had I allowed myself to be so weak? You're pathetic, Remus.
Anyhow, he lead me back to my bed. I sat down on it, trying to remain calm. So many things were going on in my head, all interrupted by a soft sound.
"Remus," he whispered, "I know what you are thinking about...and....and even though I can most likely not provide much consolation to you, I can advise you not to worry. Your dearest Padfoot"--he had a steely note in his voice that he hadn't used the whole night. A note of disgust he used so frequently, it had returned. But it wasn't so much disgust for Sirius, but hate for...himself? He sounded so down, so feeble, so weak. I was lost for words, and luckily he spoke for me--"is here, but you know what he did, Remus. You can't forgive him for that, but you can forget him. Forget him...and move on. Don't let him trouble you so much.." He leaned down and did something totally unexpected.
he kissed me.
I wanted to recoil, but I couldn't. I stood there, slowly closing my eyes only to have it lost as quickly as it came. I opened my eyes quickly and bit my lip. He turned around and walked out with a small "good night, Remus...". I gasped, having all of it wash over me. "Severus!" I was whispering/ moaning the word, making him stop in his tracks and then walk faster. I wanted him back, I wanted it all back, it was the only thing that made me feel wonderful since I last was with Padfoot. But Severus was out of the room, leaving me alone and full of thoughts again....I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, Diary...
I never knew Severus actually felt that way about me and---he...he kissed and.....and then I...
Why did I enjoy it!?!? God, I can't understand this all...........someone, PLEASE try to explain it to me.
Confused Remus
Dear Diary
Oh, it was difficult to face Severus after the night the Fat Lady fled. He had been on my mind ever since. Every time I sat at the Staff table I would hear him talking to either McGonagall or someone else, I would cherish his voice, pretend he was talking to me. Then I would shake myself out of it and sit silently. I would walk past him in the hall, trying to avoid his eye by either putting a book up over my face to hide myself, and I would hear an occasional chuckle from him, as if he noticed my humility and thought it ridiculous. It was, really...I just couldn't help it. I thought he might hate me as much as he ever did--or did he? Everything was so mixed up to me. I wanted to talk to him, maybe have him help me with everything, but I couldn't confront him.
Luckily he came to me first.
I was sitting in my office, correcting papers on the Grindylows (which they handled WONDERFULLY, by the way!!) When the door opened. The scent of aconite, seaweed , roses, and willow roots. Severus had entered with the Wolfsbane potion. I didn't dare look up from my book, instead I buried myself in it, pretending to be temporarily deaf. He raised his eyebrows and smiled, emitting a small laugh. I looked up meekly and bit my lip, pushing my graying hair out of my eyes. He sighed and sat down.
"I told you not to worry abou--"
"I'm not worried about Sirius."
He looked mildly surprised. "Then what are you worried about?"
"...." I looked up at him, not ready to speak yet. What if he didn't like me still? What if he thought I liked him and just did it as a comforting gesture?
"Remus?...It's about last night, isn---"
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, abruptly standing up and looking at him in the eyes. The deep, fathomless black eyes. I could feel them pouring into mine, my mind being almost read by his eyes. He looked at me as if I was crazy, as if I should have known the answer.
"Because, Remus. I think you know the answer already."
'I thought you hated me."
Severus sat down, laughing like it was the most humorous thing in the world he had ever heard. His low, deep laugh finally ebbed away, leaving me still staring at him emotionlessly.
"I don't HATE you, Remus...quite the contrary. I never hated you, actually. I was always interested in you. At first it was just an interest in WHAT you were. Then it was WHO you were. I wanted to get to know you. I saw you and Sirius walking down the halls, him leading you seductively into the portrait hole to do god knows what, and I saw you. So innocent, so beautiful. I knew that you were different from your friends. I wanted to be with you, Remus. I wanted to have the freedom around you that Sirius had. I wanted everything I couldn't have..."
I just looked at him. How long had he felt this way? How come he never told me and I t--- Oh gods, my head was still swimming with so many thoughts about everything....I wanted to forget it all and just walk over to him, have him hold me, feel what it was like to be loved by him. I had only been in love with Sirius before, I had no idea what anybody else was like. But I wanted to know. I wanted to learn all about Severus, have him know me, and maybe have him accept me...
Severus stood up before I got a chance to say anything. "I can understand, Remus. You're still stuck on him...You need a subsitute for today, don't you? I think i can do that..."
He left after that. I wanted to run after him, but I couldn't bring myself to it......
Do I love him?....I don't know...I'll get back to you....
Remus
Okay!
This next chapter has slash, so if you are against that--run. Run far from here.
Dear Diary...
Yes, it has been a while since I have written...but only a week!! Heh, I've been somewhat busy...
Severus has warmed up a bit, to the point where he will make the potion for me. I think that was Dumbledore's orders as well. I walked into his office about 2 days ago and was about to ask him about it, not knowing the outcome at all.
"Severus?....Severus, may I enter?" I asked, knocking on his door. I heard shuffling and a THUD then a rather feeble--
"Just a secooond!!" I laughed and stood at the door, waiting for him to pull it open and say--
"Oh, it's you," he said, just as I expected. I smiled at this, and he raised an eyebrow. I quickly stopped smiling.
"Severus, I have a request, you are totally well to not want to--"
Severus smirked. "Wolfsbane potion. I know, Remus."
"Are you alr--"
"Perfectly fine. Now, if you don't mind--" he shoved me out of the doorway and shut the door.
That went smoothly!
Moony
Dear Diary...
Yes, I didn't write in a long time, I know, I know. Well! It's Halloween!
I remember the old days....I sound like my grandfather....
Anyhow, I had a nice little chat with Harry today.
It went something like this:
I was in my office, unpackaging my Grindylow. I sat down and looked at it, grinning, and then picked up a book. Upon turning the first page I heard a shout echoing through the halls. I leaned back and looked out the door, which stood ajar.
"Nothing!! A likely story! Sneaking around on your own-why aren't you in Hogemeade bying Stink Pellats (A classic. We had so many uses for them) and Belch Powder (Sirius used to use this one on Severus. it always brought laughs.) and Whizzing Worms--(Ah yes, Wizzing Worms, a little firecracker James always bought that he would set off in the Girl's bathroom. How he never got caught I never knew.) like the rest of your nasty little friends?" a pause, most likely with an answer from the poor child being maimed by Flich. "Well, get back to your common room where you belong!"
I chuckled softly to myself and waited for the blow to fall on the innocent (or not, if it was Fred or George Weasley) student. A black haired child with ragged clothes walked by my door and I got up to the door.
"Harry?" The boy turned around, showing it was indeed Harry. I smiled. "What're you doing? Where are Ron and Hermione?'
"Hogsmeade," he answered, looking a bit downtrodden. I started to wonder why and then quickly remembered--Sirius.
"Ah...Well, why don't you come in? I've just taken delivery of a grindylow for our next lesson." I turned around gleefully at the mention of my grindylow and walked towards the corner with the tank.
"A what?" he asked awkwardly. He came inside and spotted the green, horned creature with his long fingers on the glass. It grimaced and glided into the sea-ferns.
"Water demon. We shouldn't have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas (Japanese water imps the size of a ten-year old with the face of a monkey, a long beak-like nose, a tortise shell covering its back, having webbed hands and feet.) The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong, but very brittle." I grinned broadly and then turned around, looking for my kettle. "Cup of tea? I was just thinking of making one..."
"All right..." Harry responded, still awkward.
I asked him to sit down and told him I had only tea bags, hinting a bit towards the tea-leaf incident. He wasn't worried, apparently--which was good. Professor Trelawny, as I am told, predicts at least one false death each year, and thought it'd start a good rumor to have Harry Potter be the one to "die". That was surprising to me, but I remembered how nobody in Hogwarts was quite boring. We sipped our tea until I noticed he looked a bit...troubled. "Anything worrying you, Harry?"
"No..." he drank some more tea and looked at the grindylow, who, as I saw, was brandishing a fist at him. I shook my head at the creature and he disappeared once more. Harry turned my attention from the tank with a TINK of the teacup being set down abruptly and an even more abrupt,"Yes. You kow that day we fought the boggart?"
"Yeees," I said, slowly. I had hoped nothing went wrong with the lesson?
"Why didn't you let me fight it!?" he said suddenly.
I raised my eyebrows, this was surprising."I would have thought that was obvious, Harry."
"Why?" he asked, all the more confused.
"Well, I suumed that if the boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort"--Maybe I shouldn't have said Voldemort's name....He stared at me after this, but I continued talking. "Clearly I was wrong, but I didn't think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staffroom. I imagined that people would panic."
"I didn't think of Voldemort," he said, I could hear that he was being honest. But what did he fear more than him? It had to be rather terrible, because he even said Voldemort's name as I had. "I---I remembered those dementors."
I was taken aback from this. I nodded thoughtfully, considering all he had just said in its fullest detail. "Ah...I see. Well, well...I'm impressed." Harry looked genuinely surprised at this, which made me smile a bit." That suggests that what you fear the most of all is---fear. Very wise, Harry." Harry seemed a bit esteemed by this, and drank his tea in silence. "So, you've been thinking that i didn't believe you capable of fighting the boggart?"
"Well...yeah," Harry grinned, seeing how it was all a big mistake. "Say, Professor Lupin, you know the dementors----" Harry was interrupted by Snape, who had walked in with the Wolfsbane. He stopped and looked at Harry with the kind of dislike he showed to all of us Marauders. Showed that his hate for James came in the will. I smiled against my will.
"Ah, Severys. Thanks very much. Could you leave it on the desk for me?" Severus slowly put down the goblet, at first his eyes set on Harry, then glancing over to me. I felt weird under his gaze, my blood turning cold. I ignored it and kept smiling uneasily. "I was just showing Harry my grindylow," I said pleasantly, pointing with my thumb at the tank, quickly taking my eyes off him and on the water demon I had enclosed. But Severus kept staring at me.
"Fascinating," he said, not even looking at it. He straightened up with a look of power, but seemed more gentle than usual...a gentle authority figure with flickering eyes. How contridicting... "You should drink that directly, Lupin. "
"Yes, yes, I will." I looked at the goblet mockingly, hating every bit of it and the reason it was made.
'I made an entire cauldronfil, if you need more..."
I looked up and smiled. "I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."
'Not at all." He backed out of the room weirdly and left me close to shivering again. I told Harry that it was just a regular potion, trying to keep all doubts about me off the topic, even though I had risked quite a bit with my Full-Moon Boggart...That was dumb, Remus...really imbecilistic... Harry left and I went back to working.
Off to the feast now, Diary!! Bye bye, Happy Halloween!
Remus
Dear Diary,
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god...
Sirius is here. Sirius is in Hogwarts...
I want to rush to him, have him hold me in his arms, tell me he was innocent, give me proof....
Oh Sirius....why did you do any of this? How could you betray James? Why did you have to ignore me after they made you the secret-keeper? Did you know that you'd be the one to end their life? Or were you one of those last- second traitors? ...Why? WHY, SIRIUS! Sometimes I just can't take it any more. I LOVED you. I fricken' LOVED you....and I thought you loved me....I thought you loved James (in a friend way) and you gave in so easily...and you want to kill Harry. I cannot believe you....I cannot believe myself....
Severus was able to...er-comfort me. After we searched for the Fat Lady he walked me back to my room, I was in shock--barely breathing...Why had I allowed myself to be so weak? You're pathetic, Remus.
Anyhow, he lead me back to my bed. I sat down on it, trying to remain calm. So many things were going on in my head, all interrupted by a soft sound.
"Remus," he whispered, "I know what you are thinking about...and....and even though I can most likely not provide much consolation to you, I can advise you not to worry. Your dearest Padfoot"--he had a steely note in his voice that he hadn't used the whole night. A note of disgust he used so frequently, it had returned. But it wasn't so much disgust for Sirius, but hate for...himself? He sounded so down, so feeble, so weak. I was lost for words, and luckily he spoke for me--"is here, but you know what he did, Remus. You can't forgive him for that, but you can forget him. Forget him...and move on. Don't let him trouble you so much.." He leaned down and did something totally unexpected.
he kissed me.
I wanted to recoil, but I couldn't. I stood there, slowly closing my eyes only to have it lost as quickly as it came. I opened my eyes quickly and bit my lip. He turned around and walked out with a small "good night, Remus...". I gasped, having all of it wash over me. "Severus!" I was whispering/ moaning the word, making him stop in his tracks and then walk faster. I wanted him back, I wanted it all back, it was the only thing that made me feel wonderful since I last was with Padfoot. But Severus was out of the room, leaving me alone and full of thoughts again....I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, Diary...
I never knew Severus actually felt that way about me and---he...he kissed and.....and then I...
Why did I enjoy it!?!? God, I can't understand this all...........someone, PLEASE try to explain it to me.
Confused Remus
Dear Diary
Oh, it was difficult to face Severus after the night the Fat Lady fled. He had been on my mind ever since. Every time I sat at the Staff table I would hear him talking to either McGonagall or someone else, I would cherish his voice, pretend he was talking to me. Then I would shake myself out of it and sit silently. I would walk past him in the hall, trying to avoid his eye by either putting a book up over my face to hide myself, and I would hear an occasional chuckle from him, as if he noticed my humility and thought it ridiculous. It was, really...I just couldn't help it. I thought he might hate me as much as he ever did--or did he? Everything was so mixed up to me. I wanted to talk to him, maybe have him help me with everything, but I couldn't confront him.
Luckily he came to me first.
I was sitting in my office, correcting papers on the Grindylows (which they handled WONDERFULLY, by the way!!) When the door opened. The scent of aconite, seaweed , roses, and willow roots. Severus had entered with the Wolfsbane potion. I didn't dare look up from my book, instead I buried myself in it, pretending to be temporarily deaf. He raised his eyebrows and smiled, emitting a small laugh. I looked up meekly and bit my lip, pushing my graying hair out of my eyes. He sighed and sat down.
"I told you not to worry abou--"
"I'm not worried about Sirius."
He looked mildly surprised. "Then what are you worried about?"
"...." I looked up at him, not ready to speak yet. What if he didn't like me still? What if he thought I liked him and just did it as a comforting gesture?
"Remus?...It's about last night, isn---"
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, abruptly standing up and looking at him in the eyes. The deep, fathomless black eyes. I could feel them pouring into mine, my mind being almost read by his eyes. He looked at me as if I was crazy, as if I should have known the answer.
"Because, Remus. I think you know the answer already."
'I thought you hated me."
Severus sat down, laughing like it was the most humorous thing in the world he had ever heard. His low, deep laugh finally ebbed away, leaving me still staring at him emotionlessly.
"I don't HATE you, Remus...quite the contrary. I never hated you, actually. I was always interested in you. At first it was just an interest in WHAT you were. Then it was WHO you were. I wanted to get to know you. I saw you and Sirius walking down the halls, him leading you seductively into the portrait hole to do god knows what, and I saw you. So innocent, so beautiful. I knew that you were different from your friends. I wanted to be with you, Remus. I wanted to have the freedom around you that Sirius had. I wanted everything I couldn't have..."
I just looked at him. How long had he felt this way? How come he never told me and I t--- Oh gods, my head was still swimming with so many thoughts about everything....I wanted to forget it all and just walk over to him, have him hold me, feel what it was like to be loved by him. I had only been in love with Sirius before, I had no idea what anybody else was like. But I wanted to know. I wanted to learn all about Severus, have him know me, and maybe have him accept me...
Severus stood up before I got a chance to say anything. "I can understand, Remus. You're still stuck on him...You need a subsitute for today, don't you? I think i can do that..."
He left after that. I wanted to run after him, but I couldn't bring myself to it......
Do I love him?....I don't know...I'll get back to you....
Remus