Facts, Hats, and Fish Paste with a General
A Parody
Disclaimer: Bum bum bum Joss bum bum bum Wheedon bumbumbumbumOWNS ALLbumbumbumexcept for LARA which he can havebumbumbumbut will never wantbumbumbum.
A/N: Now, remember it's a PARODY, and I will step on a lot of TOES in this story, and probably make some readers GAG, but don't worry, it's a PARODY.
________________
The day was dark and gloomy. Buffy and the others heard a knock on the door. They opened the door. They saw a sopping wet figure on the doorstep.
"Hullo," the figure said in a melodic voice.
The others were entranced by her. She had the most beautiful eyes. Her eyes were a deep sapphire, cornsilk, aquamarine, topaz (A/N: Those are types of blues, I hope you know.) She had silken (A/N: That means like silk.) blonde hair with brunette highlights and they curled a little at the bottom.
All the others wanted to touch her hair, but she didn't care. EVERYONE wanted to touch her hair, so she was used to it.
She had a cute button nose and the reddest, fullest lips anyone had seen. They were so shiny. She had cute little freckles and cute nail polish on. She had raven black hair. It was so shiny. Dawn was envious.
Spike broke through them (A/N: I mean, like, he broke through the crowds because they were entranced by me--er, my character.) and reached out to hug the sopping wet figure on the doorstep.
"LARA-JESSICA-MICHELLE-VAN-HOUSTEN-MARIA-MICHELLE! PRINCESS! I thought I lost you forever!" Spike said as he squeezed her tight and lifted her body off the ground so her feet weren't touching it and he spun her around. Spin spin spin. But being Lara-Jessica-Michelle-Van-Housten-Maria- Michelle, she didn't throw up (A/N: lol).
Buffy was so envious that Lara-Jessica-Michelle-Van-Housten-Maria-Michelle was getting all this attention from Spike. She was very very very envious. Very.
Buffy looked on as Spike was showering her (A/N: Not Buffy, but Lara-Jessi-- er, let's just call her Lara. lol.) with bunches of butterfly-light kisses on her face.
Willow and Tara coughed. But secretly, they were wishing they were Lara, so they could be kissed by Spike. Because they really like boys, because they're not really gay.
Then all of a sudden Xander came up and said, "What's going on?"
Buffy said, "This is Spike's *FRIEND*" she said 'friend' vehemently. Very.
"So how do you know each other?"
"I knew her ever since I was a small vampire."
"You were *always* a vampire?"
"Yes."
"So what's the story behind Lara?"
"Yeah, tell us Spike."
"I don't, know."
"I'll tell you." Lara took a deep deep breath with such a lovely draw of breath. "I am half vampire, half slayer, half demon, half ghost, half Boshnroik demon (A/N: LOL, I made Boshnroik up!). My father was a ghost and half Boshnroik and my mom was half vampire and half slayer. I'm so sad, can you tell? My Mom and Dad and uncle, my aunt, my brother, my cousin, my twice-removed second brother-in-law, and I all died in a great huge fire! Then I was resurrected by...something...and then I was all alone. Feel my pain? Good. Then Spike took me under his wing and we became best of friends!" She giggled at this part and looked at Spike who had a grin. "*VERY* good friends. Then we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But we broke it off because Spike's dad, Giles, was my dad too! Then I left and never returned to my poor Spyke."
"And now you're back, love of my life...undead life, un-life, whatever!" Spyke continued to kiss her. Kiss kiss kiss. (A/N: I spelled it like Spyke because I want to, lol *giggle*)
Right now Buffy was confused. A lot. Giles stepped in the room (A/N: Did I mention that they're at Buffy's house? And Giles and everyone is here, everyone is alive.)
Spike looked lovingly into Lara's pools of volcanic brown eyes. He stroke her hair. She was very sophisticated looking and had on knee high boots, fish-net stockings, a short short mini-skirt, a tanktop with sleeves, and a hood. The tanktop was light lemony green.
"So William, I need your help with something." Lara asked him in a melodic voice.
"What is it, pet, luv, kitten?" Wylliam asked her.
"I want to be a signer! A signer! So I can sing!"
Anya asked, "Let's hear you sing!" She was met with a chorus of approval. "Yes yes!"
(A/N: I made up this song so don't make fun of it or I won't update.)
Fweeeeennnnnnds fo'evaaaaaaa
Fweeeeennnnnnds fo'evaaaaaaa
When I hear you come by
I break down and cry cry
Why why why?
I sigh sigh sigh
FWEEEEEEENNNNNNDS FO'EVAAAAAA
FWEEEEEEENNNNNNDS FO'EVAAAAAA
I do a little dance--FOR YOU
I mope around all day--FOR YOU
I play basketball--FOR YOU
Because you are...my....friiiiiiiiieeeeeeennnnnndddddddddd/i
After she finished belting out the tune beautifully, everyone clapped their hands. "Yay! Encore!"
"Okay, I will," she said with a sweet smile. Then she sung again. Spyke said, "I will hook you up with some people I know. Y'know, so you can record an album and become rich and glamorous!"
"Okay, but I will always be humble, and sad because my family died, y'know?"
Spiyke walked over to the phone. The weather became very sunny again. It must've been because Lara arrived he thought with a happy smile. He looked out the window to see the sunshine. "Ahh," he said as he basked in the light. (A/N: Did I mention this was AU? Well, it is.)
He made the neccessary connections.
"C'mon luv! Or we'll get our knickers in a twist and by jove we'll miss our appointments....and put a shrimp on th' barbie, Buffy, Summers, Slayer."
"Lyke, k Spike. Wuteva." Buffy said as she popped her gum and twirled her hair around her finger.
*^**$()*#(*(@%*@(!))!)!!~~!(#*$(%&(*^
They arrived (A/N: I mean Spyke and Lara) at the studio. Suddenly, Zander popped out of nowhere! "HEY GUYS!" He said with enthusiam...for some...strange reason. Because, he's Xander.
"Hey Xan-man!" Lara said, already sounding like part of the Scooby Gang. "Hey! She used my nickname like she was already part of the Scoobies!" Xander was getting a little annoyed at her for using his nickname. But then he was happy again! "Okay, Larster! I'll catch you later!" And Xander ran off.
Then they arrived at the studio. Oh wait, they already did! Never mind! So they went IN the studio. "'ello gents! How 're you doin'? 'eed t' set up a re'ording session' for the missis' here." Spike greeted the artists.
They set Lara up as they casually brushed their hands over her hair. Brush brush brush. As she sang a song she made up, they finished in 1 minute because she was so awesome and she rawked and made no mistakes. Well, she made one, but they quickly forgave her. Then she used her magic bolt (A/N: Did I mention she had super powers too?) and killed them all (except Spikey of course) for no reason.
Will they have a hit single on their hands? What will Buffy do? If I don't have at least 500 reviews, I am NOT going to update! P.S. There will be a rated R chapter next ^_~ Review review review!
Disclaimer: Bum bum bum Joss bum bum bum Wheedon bumbumbumbumOWNS ALLbumbumbumexcept for LARA which he can havebumbumbumbut will never wantbumbumbum.
A/N: Now, remember it's a PARODY, and I will step on a lot of TOES in this story, and probably make some readers GAG, but don't worry, it's a PARODY.
________________
The day was dark and gloomy. Buffy and the others heard a knock on the door. They opened the door. They saw a sopping wet figure on the doorstep.
"Hullo," the figure said in a melodic voice.
The others were entranced by her. She had the most beautiful eyes. Her eyes were a deep sapphire, cornsilk, aquamarine, topaz (A/N: Those are types of blues, I hope you know.) She had silken (A/N: That means like silk.) blonde hair with brunette highlights and they curled a little at the bottom.
All the others wanted to touch her hair, but she didn't care. EVERYONE wanted to touch her hair, so she was used to it.
She had a cute button nose and the reddest, fullest lips anyone had seen. They were so shiny. She had cute little freckles and cute nail polish on. She had raven black hair. It was so shiny. Dawn was envious.
Spike broke through them (A/N: I mean, like, he broke through the crowds because they were entranced by me--er, my character.) and reached out to hug the sopping wet figure on the doorstep.
"LARA-JESSICA-MICHELLE-VAN-HOUSTEN-MARIA-MICHELLE! PRINCESS! I thought I lost you forever!" Spike said as he squeezed her tight and lifted her body off the ground so her feet weren't touching it and he spun her around. Spin spin spin. But being Lara-Jessica-Michelle-Van-Housten-Maria- Michelle, she didn't throw up (A/N: lol).
Buffy was so envious that Lara-Jessica-Michelle-Van-Housten-Maria-Michelle was getting all this attention from Spike. She was very very very envious. Very.
Buffy looked on as Spike was showering her (A/N: Not Buffy, but Lara-Jessi-- er, let's just call her Lara. lol.) with bunches of butterfly-light kisses on her face.
Willow and Tara coughed. But secretly, they were wishing they were Lara, so they could be kissed by Spike. Because they really like boys, because they're not really gay.
Then all of a sudden Xander came up and said, "What's going on?"
Buffy said, "This is Spike's *FRIEND*" she said 'friend' vehemently. Very.
"So how do you know each other?"
"I knew her ever since I was a small vampire."
"You were *always* a vampire?"
"Yes."
"So what's the story behind Lara?"
"Yeah, tell us Spike."
"I don't, know."
"I'll tell you." Lara took a deep deep breath with such a lovely draw of breath. "I am half vampire, half slayer, half demon, half ghost, half Boshnroik demon (A/N: LOL, I made Boshnroik up!). My father was a ghost and half Boshnroik and my mom was half vampire and half slayer. I'm so sad, can you tell? My Mom and Dad and uncle, my aunt, my brother, my cousin, my twice-removed second brother-in-law, and I all died in a great huge fire! Then I was resurrected by...something...and then I was all alone. Feel my pain? Good. Then Spike took me under his wing and we became best of friends!" She giggled at this part and looked at Spike who had a grin. "*VERY* good friends. Then we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But we broke it off because Spike's dad, Giles, was my dad too! Then I left and never returned to my poor Spyke."
"And now you're back, love of my life...undead life, un-life, whatever!" Spyke continued to kiss her. Kiss kiss kiss. (A/N: I spelled it like Spyke because I want to, lol *giggle*)
Right now Buffy was confused. A lot. Giles stepped in the room (A/N: Did I mention that they're at Buffy's house? And Giles and everyone is here, everyone is alive.)
Spike looked lovingly into Lara's pools of volcanic brown eyes. He stroke her hair. She was very sophisticated looking and had on knee high boots, fish-net stockings, a short short mini-skirt, a tanktop with sleeves, and a hood. The tanktop was light lemony green.
"So William, I need your help with something." Lara asked him in a melodic voice.
"What is it, pet, luv, kitten?" Wylliam asked her.
"I want to be a signer! A signer! So I can sing!"
Anya asked, "Let's hear you sing!" She was met with a chorus of approval. "Yes yes!"
(A/N: I made up this song so don't make fun of it or I won't update.)
Fweeeeennnnnnds fo'evaaaaaaa
Fweeeeennnnnnds fo'evaaaaaaa
When I hear you come by
I break down and cry cry
Why why why?
I sigh sigh sigh
FWEEEEEEENNNNNNDS FO'EVAAAAAA
FWEEEEEEENNNNNNDS FO'EVAAAAAA
I do a little dance--FOR YOU
I mope around all day--FOR YOU
I play basketball--FOR YOU
Because you are...my....friiiiiiiiieeeeeeennnnnndddddddddd/i
After she finished belting out the tune beautifully, everyone clapped their hands. "Yay! Encore!"
"Okay, I will," she said with a sweet smile. Then she sung again. Spyke said, "I will hook you up with some people I know. Y'know, so you can record an album and become rich and glamorous!"
"Okay, but I will always be humble, and sad because my family died, y'know?"
Spiyke walked over to the phone. The weather became very sunny again. It must've been because Lara arrived he thought with a happy smile. He looked out the window to see the sunshine. "Ahh," he said as he basked in the light. (A/N: Did I mention this was AU? Well, it is.)
He made the neccessary connections.
"C'mon luv! Or we'll get our knickers in a twist and by jove we'll miss our appointments....and put a shrimp on th' barbie, Buffy, Summers, Slayer."
"Lyke, k Spike. Wuteva." Buffy said as she popped her gum and twirled her hair around her finger.
*^**$()*#(*(@%*@(!))!)!!~~!(#*$(%&(*^
They arrived (A/N: I mean Spyke and Lara) at the studio. Suddenly, Zander popped out of nowhere! "HEY GUYS!" He said with enthusiam...for some...strange reason. Because, he's Xander.
"Hey Xan-man!" Lara said, already sounding like part of the Scooby Gang. "Hey! She used my nickname like she was already part of the Scoobies!" Xander was getting a little annoyed at her for using his nickname. But then he was happy again! "Okay, Larster! I'll catch you later!" And Xander ran off.
Then they arrived at the studio. Oh wait, they already did! Never mind! So they went IN the studio. "'ello gents! How 're you doin'? 'eed t' set up a re'ording session' for the missis' here." Spike greeted the artists.
They set Lara up as they casually brushed their hands over her hair. Brush brush brush. As she sang a song she made up, they finished in 1 minute because she was so awesome and she rawked and made no mistakes. Well, she made one, but they quickly forgave her. Then she used her magic bolt (A/N: Did I mention she had super powers too?) and killed them all (except Spikey of course) for no reason.
Will they have a hit single on their hands? What will Buffy do? If I don't have at least 500 reviews, I am NOT going to update! P.S. There will be a rated R chapter next ^_~ Review review review!