How to Sing Like a Stevens
A take-off of the musical "How to Eat Like a Child"
And the songs "Say Yes," "Why Should a Kid Have to Walk?," "Waiting, Waiting," and "We Refuse to Fall Asleep"
Author's Note: If you don't know any of the songs from "How to Eat Like a Child" then you probably will not understand this. However, if you are able to find the lyrics you can juxtapose them to my songs.
"Say Yes" (Ren, Louis, and Donnie alternate lines)
Oh my gosh, is that a duck?
Yes that's a duck!
Whose duck is it?
That's the duck that mean old butcher won't keep alive.
Will he be eaten for dinner?
Yes he'll be eaten for dinner,
He'll be chopped up in small pieces
If we don't rescue him.
Oh no! Well, how is he with children?
He's excellent with children!
He can bite Ren's nose so hard
That he won't let go.
And how is he at waddling?
He's superior at waddling!
He can waddle here and waddle there
And waddle to and fro!
This duck won't be meat,
In our home he'll greet
Us if we only save his
Poor webbed feet.
This duck's alive
Please let him thrive,
He's the perfect addiction
To the Stevens five!
And even though he's tasty
Please don't be so hasty
This duck's our friend
Say yes!
Now, that alone won't save the poor duck from being slaughtered and eaten, but if you pay off the cook to leave him alone, it should work.
Now here is twenty dollars
It's all I've got
If you invest in the market
It'll look like a lot
So what can you buy with it?
There's a million things to buy!
You can buy a fancy wristwatch,
Give it a try.
Will it be made of plastic?
Well, plastic's durable.
You can buy Spandex elastic
Or a stirring bowl.
This duck is saved
He's not in a grave
Nobody will ever say
This duck they craved!
He's waddling and quacking and making a mess.
This duck has survived –
You said yes!
"Why Should a Kid Have to Sing?" (Principal Wexler)
Why should a kid
Who has formed his own band
Have to sing on the roof of my school?
Which Coach Tugnut can use every day
But for kids that just isn't okay.
And why can't his sister just follow the rules
Like she does whenever else I ask?
And when Tawny Dean
Becomes friends with that "Beans"
Oh why should these kids have to sing?
Jamming on the rooftop,
Making students groove
Interrupting lunch,
Making lots of noise,
What're they trying to prove?
And another thing,
Why did Ren choose not to follow the rules
When she knows what is best for her?
I liked when she didn't take risks
Oh my stomach is knotting in twists!
In this school we have band and chorus
They can sing on the bus
And at home they can shout all they want.
Someday they'll have careers,
They can be Britney Spears,
So why do these kids have to rattle my ears?
So why do these kids have to sing?
And sing?
And sing?
And sing?
And sing?
"Dating, Dating" (Tawny)
Louis and I are over
We'll not go on a date
So why do I feel like
This is not so great?
Dating, dating
Is a mighty complicated task
Nothing's more emancipating
Than kicking your ex's a**
I bet he's prob'ly asked Monique to the dance by now
(I need a break)
He's stupid enough to eat that yucky pig chow
(Oh what a snake)
Oh, no, we're done
Nothing makes me angrier than
Dating, dating
Maybe I should have just said "yes"
Pretty soon I'll be back with him,
Why did I have to pass?
What if he never speaks to me again?
And finds a girl
Who likes him just the way he is,
Could he be so cruel?
I'd be upset
I'd leave the school
And there'd be nothing that I could do!
Oh Louis, Louis, talk to me,
You're much better than Alan Twitty.
Oh, dating, dating,
I've gotta find someone for the dance.
Louis, Louis!
No, I've already ruined my chance.
He's with Monique
And I'm alone
I'll find some loser
To escort me home
Oh Louis, oh Louis, oh Louis,
I made a mistake!
(spoken) Oh, heck, I'll just go talk to him...
"I Refuse to Be a Thief" (Ren)
(Louis, spoken) What's that in the bushes?
(Twitty, spoken) Why, it's a case full of money!
(Louis, spoken) We're rich! We're rich!
They can force me
To keep the money
They can force me
To agree
They can force me
To split our findings
But they can't force me
To be a thief!
I refuse to be a thief
I refuse to be a thief
I'm not gonna take the chance
And buy those special pants
Which look good on me!
(Louis, spoken) Where's the money, Ren?
(Ren, spoken) I...I spent it!
(Louis, spoken) How could you have done such a thing?
(Ren, spoken) I don't know...
I'm a liar
A big fat cheater
I forced an orphan
To go without socks
I deserve to
Rot in a jail cell
Instead of snake skin
I should wear a box!
(sirens sound)
I refuse to be a thief!
I refuse to be a thief!
I can just get a refund,
But it ain't that easy, hon,
Oh, no!
I'll give it back
Just give me time
I didn't mean to
Commit this horrid crime!
So I have a sense of fashion,
How is that a sin?
It's my one slip-up,
Won't happen again!
I shouldn't have bought them,
I should have just said no,
And now I'm in trouble
With an orphan!
I refuse to be a thief
I refuse to be a thief
I decided I'll be good
And do just what I should
So there!
(toilet flushes)
I was not a sneaky thief
I was not a sneaky thief
I didn't pay for those cool pants
Now please spare me all these rants
On cash.
I returned the money, hey,
We can have its box today.
When we found it like I said,
I'd rather have been dead
Than to have been a thief.
I refused to be a thief.
I refused to be a thief.
There's a lot to be said
'Cause I'm right in the head,
And I'm no thief.
I refused...