Everything as seen in Chapter 1
Ash's bedroom
I walked into my room and looked around; Kats nest was still there and looked as if she was adding to it. I walked over and peered into its depths where the much coveted newspaper lay discarded I picked it up and made my way to the bed. 'Stuff having a bath it would only antagonise my head wound more anyway', I thought changing into my nightshirt before crawling into my bed.
I opened the paper flicked through, same ol' same ol' I thought so why did everyone want to read it so much?
I got to the dear Susan agony aunt section and read with interest.
Dear Susan,
I need your help desperately, you see for a long time I've had a crush on one of my teachers. It got to the stage where I couldn't talk to him without stuttering and couldn't look at him without blushing. This has gone on for the whole time I've been studying where I have, and I think he felt the same.
Then just before Valentines Day he asked me out, I accepted. I thought it would be the greatest night of my life… but it turned into a disaster. He made a fool of himself at the restaurant, made a fool of me in front of my mate who were there with their dates, and generally acted like a b*****d.
But after I tipped my dinner over him, he reverted back to his old, sweet self and has been ever since.
I was angry so refused to speak to him so he began stalking me. My friends being the good-natured (and Crazy) people they are made his life a living hell, and for a time all was well.
But then I got into some trouble; my friends were drunk and attacked various members of the faculty while my other friend was sober and stuck up a tree burning bushes. Anyway, I needed help and he came to mind. He helped me without a though for himself… and I admit I was starting to warm to him again.
Now however he's paying no attention to me at all! I think he keeps sneaking me looks at dinner but that's it! He avoids me in the corridors and at briefings… I mean… um… tutorials, yeah tutorials… he doesn't speak to me, and instead he gives the notes to another teacher to give to me.
Susan what's going on? My life is a mess, I just want it back to the way it was… where all I had to worry about was when people left balls of fire burning in my bed or deranged teachers broke windows and didn't mend them before I got hypothermia. Now I have to deal with my feelings towards this guy and being a mutant… did I say mutant I meant to put normal collage girl!!!… And…
OH HELL YOU NEED ALL THE FACTS TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I'M A MUTANT WHO CAN USE PEOPLES DESIRES AGAINST THEM! I GO TO A MUTANT SCHOOL AND FIGHT OTHER MUTANTS IN MY SPARE TIME… I'M IN LOVE WITH A BLUE DEMON WITH FANGS AND A TAIL… HE DRESSES AS A PIMP WHEN HE GOES ON DATES… A TEACHER WITH BESERKER RAGES BEATS ME UP DAILY; I HAVE BRUSES ALL UP MY ARMS AND LEGS… I NEVER GET TO MEET ANY OTHER MEN BUT MUTANTS AT THE SCHOOL! I NEVER GO OUT UNLESS I INTEND TO GET DRUNK… I WANT A LITTLE CULTURE AND ROMANCE… IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!!!
So what should I do?
Yours truly
Eternal temptation.
Susan says…
GET OVER IT YOU FREAK!!!
Mmmm…that sure sounded familiar, I sure knew someone who would be able to relate to that. I read the next letter eagerly.
Dear Susan,
Hi how are you? You see I have a little problem… it involves all my teachers and my class mates and everyone on this planet… even those objects that don't express an opinion not because they don't have one but from the fact that can't talk.
All of the above hate me.
From the man with the sharp claws that chases me every couple of nights to the potato on the sideboard that keeps giving me funny looks, you know the looks that say "I could take over the world at any second but first I want to kill you"?
Back to the point. They all hate me… what should I do.
Yours truly
Hated Flame.
Susan says…
If you think all these people hate you then they probably do. Find somewhere where they hardly go and stay there. Hopefully they'll die before you do.
I laughed at that one. But it sure was fishy I had never read an agony column with out the words threesome, incest or erection being involved somewhere. What was this newspaper coming to I thought before proceeding.
Dear Susan,
I don't usually write to magazines like yours, the last one I did had pictures in… but not your kind of pictures.
One of the Kids wrote into you and it seemed to have a great effect… she hasn't bothered anyone since you printed it and your advice. No ones seen her since though… but I ain't complaining.
See I have this problem with rage… had it for a long time, longer than I can remember. Anyway, I realise that I'd better get it under control before I hurt someone without meaning to…
Any advice?
Yours truly
Angry Animal
Susan Says…
Take time out for yourself. Go on an extended brake, maybe a yoga retreat… and find peace in your mind, your more feminine side will flourish.
I laughed this could have been written by Wolverine for all it accuracy. I wondered what the next one read like and devoured it as fast as I could (which was fast it was only short)
Dear Susan,
I think I'm gay…
Yours truly
Depth perception problems
Susan says…
If you think you are then you must be half sure… Come out and be proud.
'Oh, I'll show Evelyn that one, Scott has to have written it 'I laughed.
Dear Susan,
Hi there. We're two teens who've been buds since forever. But we never seem to fight… and it's getting a bit worrying.
We have the same tastes and are even starting to behave like each other. We are inseparable. It's like we are becoming the same person.
Please help.
Yours truly
Little Firecracker and her bud.
Susan Says…
If you're one and the same why the different names, lol! But seriously if you can't find your differences take some time out from each other that should help you find them. Don't see each other or talk to each other and then you'll be truly independent people.
I was beginning to see a pattern but I couldn't quite put my finger on it yet (hey I had been hit on the head….HARD!!)
Dear Susan,
I seem to get drunk every weekend, holiday and most weekdays too. I'm not an alcoholic… its just I like my drink. I'm setting a bad example for the people I teach.
What should I do?
Yours truly
I'm-not-an-alcoholic-honestly.
Susan says…
I believe you. Stop setting this bad example to your students… don't teach them under the influence. Maybe a short period of abstaining for the demon drink is in order?
'Hey maybe I should pass that advice on to Remy!" I thought quite cruelly considering he's our walking (not to mention glow in the dark) alcohol supply.
Dear Susan,
I like a girl who can control fire… but I'm an ice man myself. Can we ever be together or are we from two different worlds?
Yours truly
I like ice
Susan says…
Nurture your inner flame, take an interest in fire related activities… but never compromise yourself.
Okay now I was beginning to get annoyed where were the threesomes??
Dear Susan,
We are two fun loving guys with a huge problem. We have way too much hair. This really makes things difficult when it comes to finding members of the opposite sex willing to date us. One of us thought he'd found true love… but blew it on the first date. Personally neither of us sees what he has done wrong… we believe it must be the fur issue.
Where will we find people who accept us as we are?
Yours truly.
Two Blue dudes
Susan says…
Go somewhere where no one can see you. Dark, cramped places are great for picking up girl. You may just find a girl who can look past the length of your fur.
Awww…bless their blue furry socks! I thought everyone likes hairy men, just look at Logan, he gets loadsa women.
Dear Susan,
I'm alone all the time… I never touch or feel anything or anyone. I can't control it.
Yours truly
Always alone
Susan says…
Maybe you can't control it because you don't know yourself well enough. If you are really that isolated then isolate yourself some more, then you'll see who you are and how you connect.
That one was sad and made me sit bolt upright, after all there was a time when I could relate to that. I felt pity for that person, hell I felt pity for me because I still had barriers trust problems I still hated physical contact even if it was just slapping someone (namely Kat) around the face.
Dear Susan,
My husband hardly touches me anymore. I've tried losing weight in vast amounts recently but it I don't think I need too. Yet still he won't touch me…!
I'm thinking about sleeping with the crazy guy that lives a couple of halls away that's how desperate I am.
Please before I do something stupid.
Yours Truly
Insane and perfect
Susan says…
Maybe you're trying too much. Maybe he doesn't like his women stick thin… try the other option. Gain weight; see how he reacts… keep gaining weight till he sees you for what you are!
I threw the paper down disgusted; I read this to get away from the real world to become enveloped in a world of incest, threesomes and genital warts in its stead I got cold hard reality.
I felt really drowsy and didn't have the strength to fight it anymore, and so fell heavily asleep.