A/N: Okay guys, you really do like me ;) Anyway, the votes have come in and
I want you all to give a warm round of a boo to our newest villain . . .
the deep voiced monkey himself . . . Darth Vader! Darth will be referred to
as D in this chapter. (The plot ideas came from Fencer Girl and Lauren
Rimar. Thanks guys!!!)
(Darth Vader walks in and the room gets very silent)
D: (wheezes) I am (wheezes) Darth Vader and I (wheezes) am here to (wheezes) conquer my anger. (wheezes) Where's my damn inhaler at again?
Cynical_Sweetheart: For some odd reason, Luke took it . . . said he needed to perform an experiment . . . he was a little bouncy the last time I saw him, though. Must have gotten into my candy dish.
All but Cynical_Sweetheart: Candy dish??? Where???
Cynical_Sweetheart: Oh, didn't I tell all of you already? It's part of my newest experiment. I give you all a piece of candy when you do something I want you to do.
H: It isn't Hershey, is it?
Cynical_Sweetheart: No Hulk, It's Starbursts, Bertie Botts' Every Flavored Jelly Beans, Tootsie Pops, and Jolly Ranchers.
V: Ooh . . .
S: Ahh . . .
M: I'll do whatever it takes! But tell me, do you have metal flavoured jelly beans in your land, Voldemort?
V: I don't know . . . that crazy old hag comes out with a new one every so often.
Cynical_Sweetheart: now listen you all. I am going to give you the assignment. Pass and you get a piece of candy. Fail and you . . .
H: Get a piece of candy?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Actually, no. You get nothing and you watch as everybody else gets to enjoy taunting you and making your existence miserable until you finally go mad and are deprived of all your sanity and-
Cynical_Sweetheart's assistant shows her the script.
Cynical_Sweetheart: Oh . . . funny, that wasn't in the script . . . thank you, Gregory. Any-who, are you ready to learn what your next assignment is?
All: Sure!
Cynical_Sweetheart: I'm going to bring in your worst enemies, the good guys.
All: What????
Cynical_Sweetheart: Yes, I am going to bring them in. And you will sit down and act civil and polite. If you apologize to your enemy and mean it with sincerity, you get a piece of candy.
S: A piece? Woman, are you mad?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Yes I am, but that's another story. Okay, I'll up the ante to the whole bag. Deal?
All: Okay. Deal.
Cynical_Sweetheart: Gregory, bring in the haflings, wizards, S.W.A.T team Luke and Padme and the most ordinary human beings you've got.
(In walks Frodo, Harry, Dumbledore, the S.W.A.T team, Luke, Padme, and the most ordinary human being I could find . . . Barbara Walters. We'll refer to them as the GG when said in unison. Bad guys will be BG)
(room is full of frightened glares and utter silence until-)
Harry: Ow, by scar burns . . . who's in here?
Cynical_Sweetheart: (matter of fact voice) Voldemort.
Harry: (ducks under table and rocks back and forth) You can't take me mum and dad! I won't let you!
V: Too late for that, kid!
Cynical_Sweetheart: That's five pieces from your bag, Voldemort.
Dumbledore: What? I was told this was an all you can eat buffet . . . now you're telling me that Voldemort's here? Oh great. I knew I should have stopped teaching kids . . .
Frodo: Is Saurman here, then? He can't have the golden ring of Shire! I'll stop him at any cost!
S: What are you going to do? Stomp me to death?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Saurman, that's five pieces of candy from your bag.
S: Aww!
Luke: My dad's here then, huh?
DV: (wheezes) Yes son (wheezes) your father is here (wheezes) now can I have my inhaler? (wheezes)
Padme: Is that all you have to say after being out of his life for so long? I should tell you the truth now!
DV: Tell me what? (wheezes)
Padme: Luke isn't really your son.
DV: WHAT??? After I paid child support on that little prat! (wheezes)Who's is he? (wheezes)
Padme: (gets dreamy) Richard Simmons
DV: Oh great, (wheezes) I should have known after all those exercise infomercials! Damn you, woman! (wheezes)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Darth! That language is not appropriate in front of your son! Twenty pieces!
DV: I don't give a rat's ass . . . he's not mine anymore! (wheezes)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Thirty!
H: Ha ha!
S.W.A.T. team: Mr. Hulk, stand down!
H: What? I'm not doing anything!
S.W.A.T. team: Stand down or we'll be forced to shoot!
H: See, now you're making me angry!
Barbara Walters: So tell me, Magneto, what is with all the bottled up anger?
M: (directs to Cynical_Sweetheart) You could have picked any human. Why her??? Why her??? Darn muckraker!
Barbara Walters: So is that how you really feel? Were you abused as a child?
M: (sobs) Of all the agony! You could have just sent in Carrot Top for Christ sake! At least he knows how to dial collect!
Cynical_Sweetheart: Come on, Magneto, don't fold under the pressure! (sobs)
M: (sobs) I was sent to a concentration camp and I never saw my parents again. I am very upset with humans partially because of what they did to my parents! I mean, wouldn't you destroy the species that killed the very thing you loved?
Barbara: It's okay, give me a hug!
(hugs the plastic bubble)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Great job Magneto! You get your candy now!
M: This is the happiest moment of my life!
V: Harry, I'm -er . . . what's that useless meaningless phrase you children use when you've done something horrid and want forgiveness? It's been a while since I've used it . . .
Harry: Sorry?
V: Yes. I am very sorry, Harry. Though I must say, it was enjoyable killing your parents with all the screaming-
(Cynical_Sweetheart scowls at Voldemort)
V: (rolls eyes) I'm sorry.
Harry hugs Voldemort and Voldemort slowly reached for Harry's wand in his back pocket . . .
DV: So, you're not my kid? (wheezes)
Luke: Nope DV: (wheezes) That's good. I couldn't stand having to break my paycheck every month. (wheezes) Here's a deal, we kill your mother and we can share outer space. Deal? (wheezes)
Luke: (looks around at his mother and smiles falsely) Deal. Where do we dump her body?
DV: (wheezes) I don't know, ask O.J. (wheezes)
H: Okay guys, I really don't want to fight you . . .why don't we just talk it over while playing with the bunnies?
S.W.A.T. team: He's got hostages??? Oh great, we've got a 517 in the 2213!
(Cynical_Sweetheart scowls at the S.W.A.T. team)
S.W.A.T team: Okay, let's go see the hostages . . . I mean . . . bunnies.
S: Can I please have the ring?
Frodo: No.
S: Pretty please?
Frodo: No.
S: Give me the ring, you fag!
Frodo: I am a fag!
S: So am I . . . hey, can I call you?
Frodo: No.
S: Okay, if you insist, but once I get in your pants, both you and the ring will be mine! Muhahahaha!
Frodo: Get away, you pervert!
(Speaking to Cynical_Sweetheart in the back of the room)
Dumbledore: You do realize that this will all crumple apart when Luke tries to turn Darth in, the S.W.A.T.'s try to kill Hulk, Voldemort gets Harry's wand, Magneto finds that metal plate in Barbara's skull and Saurman rapes Frodo.
(Cynical_Sweetheart: Yeah, but let's just enjoy the moment, right?
Dumbledore: Okay!
Cynical_Sweetheart puts Sir Mix-A lot's "Baby Got Back" in the CD player and the characters do a soul train line.
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okay good characters, It's time for you all to say good bye!
GG: Bye!
BG: Bye!
(Door slams)
Cynical_Sweetheart: And you know what the best part is?
BG: What?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Everybody gets candy!
BG: Yeah!
DV: (wheezes)How come Hulk's got more (wheezes)Jolly Ranchers than I do? (wheezes)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Because he didn't curse in front of his son.
H: Haha!
DV: Hulk, the S.W.A.T.'s took your bunnies!
H: Huh? (looks around) Now I'm angry!
(Knock on the door)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Sounds like another visitor!
A/N: Next, we've got a fluffy poetry-writing contest . . . but don't forget, I still need your suggestions! I got a lot of votes for Darth so that's why I got this chapter done so quickly! Well, keep bringing them in you guys! We have four openings available, so nominate your favorite villain to a session of torture and chaos. Your villain doesn't have to be from a comic book, so chill (political villains would be nice o.O) and just in case, send me a brief bio on the character in an email (rather than my review section) so I can get to it faster. R&R please!
(Darth Vader walks in and the room gets very silent)
D: (wheezes) I am (wheezes) Darth Vader and I (wheezes) am here to (wheezes) conquer my anger. (wheezes) Where's my damn inhaler at again?
Cynical_Sweetheart: For some odd reason, Luke took it . . . said he needed to perform an experiment . . . he was a little bouncy the last time I saw him, though. Must have gotten into my candy dish.
All but Cynical_Sweetheart: Candy dish??? Where???
Cynical_Sweetheart: Oh, didn't I tell all of you already? It's part of my newest experiment. I give you all a piece of candy when you do something I want you to do.
H: It isn't Hershey, is it?
Cynical_Sweetheart: No Hulk, It's Starbursts, Bertie Botts' Every Flavored Jelly Beans, Tootsie Pops, and Jolly Ranchers.
V: Ooh . . .
S: Ahh . . .
M: I'll do whatever it takes! But tell me, do you have metal flavoured jelly beans in your land, Voldemort?
V: I don't know . . . that crazy old hag comes out with a new one every so often.
Cynical_Sweetheart: now listen you all. I am going to give you the assignment. Pass and you get a piece of candy. Fail and you . . .
H: Get a piece of candy?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Actually, no. You get nothing and you watch as everybody else gets to enjoy taunting you and making your existence miserable until you finally go mad and are deprived of all your sanity and-
Cynical_Sweetheart's assistant shows her the script.
Cynical_Sweetheart: Oh . . . funny, that wasn't in the script . . . thank you, Gregory. Any-who, are you ready to learn what your next assignment is?
All: Sure!
Cynical_Sweetheart: I'm going to bring in your worst enemies, the good guys.
All: What????
Cynical_Sweetheart: Yes, I am going to bring them in. And you will sit down and act civil and polite. If you apologize to your enemy and mean it with sincerity, you get a piece of candy.
S: A piece? Woman, are you mad?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Yes I am, but that's another story. Okay, I'll up the ante to the whole bag. Deal?
All: Okay. Deal.
Cynical_Sweetheart: Gregory, bring in the haflings, wizards, S.W.A.T team Luke and Padme and the most ordinary human beings you've got.
(In walks Frodo, Harry, Dumbledore, the S.W.A.T team, Luke, Padme, and the most ordinary human being I could find . . . Barbara Walters. We'll refer to them as the GG when said in unison. Bad guys will be BG)
(room is full of frightened glares and utter silence until-)
Harry: Ow, by scar burns . . . who's in here?
Cynical_Sweetheart: (matter of fact voice) Voldemort.
Harry: (ducks under table and rocks back and forth) You can't take me mum and dad! I won't let you!
V: Too late for that, kid!
Cynical_Sweetheart: That's five pieces from your bag, Voldemort.
Dumbledore: What? I was told this was an all you can eat buffet . . . now you're telling me that Voldemort's here? Oh great. I knew I should have stopped teaching kids . . .
Frodo: Is Saurman here, then? He can't have the golden ring of Shire! I'll stop him at any cost!
S: What are you going to do? Stomp me to death?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Saurman, that's five pieces of candy from your bag.
S: Aww!
Luke: My dad's here then, huh?
DV: (wheezes) Yes son (wheezes) your father is here (wheezes) now can I have my inhaler? (wheezes)
Padme: Is that all you have to say after being out of his life for so long? I should tell you the truth now!
DV: Tell me what? (wheezes)
Padme: Luke isn't really your son.
DV: WHAT??? After I paid child support on that little prat! (wheezes)Who's is he? (wheezes)
Padme: (gets dreamy) Richard Simmons
DV: Oh great, (wheezes) I should have known after all those exercise infomercials! Damn you, woman! (wheezes)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Darth! That language is not appropriate in front of your son! Twenty pieces!
DV: I don't give a rat's ass . . . he's not mine anymore! (wheezes)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Thirty!
H: Ha ha!
S.W.A.T. team: Mr. Hulk, stand down!
H: What? I'm not doing anything!
S.W.A.T. team: Stand down or we'll be forced to shoot!
H: See, now you're making me angry!
Barbara Walters: So tell me, Magneto, what is with all the bottled up anger?
M: (directs to Cynical_Sweetheart) You could have picked any human. Why her??? Why her??? Darn muckraker!
Barbara Walters: So is that how you really feel? Were you abused as a child?
M: (sobs) Of all the agony! You could have just sent in Carrot Top for Christ sake! At least he knows how to dial collect!
Cynical_Sweetheart: Come on, Magneto, don't fold under the pressure! (sobs)
M: (sobs) I was sent to a concentration camp and I never saw my parents again. I am very upset with humans partially because of what they did to my parents! I mean, wouldn't you destroy the species that killed the very thing you loved?
Barbara: It's okay, give me a hug!
(hugs the plastic bubble)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Great job Magneto! You get your candy now!
M: This is the happiest moment of my life!
V: Harry, I'm -er . . . what's that useless meaningless phrase you children use when you've done something horrid and want forgiveness? It's been a while since I've used it . . .
Harry: Sorry?
V: Yes. I am very sorry, Harry. Though I must say, it was enjoyable killing your parents with all the screaming-
(Cynical_Sweetheart scowls at Voldemort)
V: (rolls eyes) I'm sorry.
Harry hugs Voldemort and Voldemort slowly reached for Harry's wand in his back pocket . . .
DV: So, you're not my kid? (wheezes)
Luke: Nope DV: (wheezes) That's good. I couldn't stand having to break my paycheck every month. (wheezes) Here's a deal, we kill your mother and we can share outer space. Deal? (wheezes)
Luke: (looks around at his mother and smiles falsely) Deal. Where do we dump her body?
DV: (wheezes) I don't know, ask O.J. (wheezes)
H: Okay guys, I really don't want to fight you . . .why don't we just talk it over while playing with the bunnies?
S.W.A.T. team: He's got hostages??? Oh great, we've got a 517 in the 2213!
(Cynical_Sweetheart scowls at the S.W.A.T. team)
S.W.A.T team: Okay, let's go see the hostages . . . I mean . . . bunnies.
S: Can I please have the ring?
Frodo: No.
S: Pretty please?
Frodo: No.
S: Give me the ring, you fag!
Frodo: I am a fag!
S: So am I . . . hey, can I call you?
Frodo: No.
S: Okay, if you insist, but once I get in your pants, both you and the ring will be mine! Muhahahaha!
Frodo: Get away, you pervert!
(Speaking to Cynical_Sweetheart in the back of the room)
Dumbledore: You do realize that this will all crumple apart when Luke tries to turn Darth in, the S.W.A.T.'s try to kill Hulk, Voldemort gets Harry's wand, Magneto finds that metal plate in Barbara's skull and Saurman rapes Frodo.
(Cynical_Sweetheart: Yeah, but let's just enjoy the moment, right?
Dumbledore: Okay!
Cynical_Sweetheart puts Sir Mix-A lot's "Baby Got Back" in the CD player and the characters do a soul train line.
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okay good characters, It's time for you all to say good bye!
GG: Bye!
BG: Bye!
(Door slams)
Cynical_Sweetheart: And you know what the best part is?
BG: What?
Cynical_Sweetheart: Everybody gets candy!
BG: Yeah!
DV: (wheezes)How come Hulk's got more (wheezes)Jolly Ranchers than I do? (wheezes)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Because he didn't curse in front of his son.
H: Haha!
DV: Hulk, the S.W.A.T.'s took your bunnies!
H: Huh? (looks around) Now I'm angry!
(Knock on the door)
Cynical_Sweetheart: Sounds like another visitor!
A/N: Next, we've got a fluffy poetry-writing contest . . . but don't forget, I still need your suggestions! I got a lot of votes for Darth so that's why I got this chapter done so quickly! Well, keep bringing them in you guys! We have four openings available, so nominate your favorite villain to a session of torture and chaos. Your villain doesn't have to be from a comic book, so chill (political villains would be nice o.O) and just in case, send me a brief bio on the character in an email (rather than my review section) so I can get to it faster. R&R please!