I'm back again, my friends, to talk about a vast disease

That's spread from fanfic site to site with quite alarming ease.

Thanks to the good response I've had for 'Legolas', thus ensues

The explanation and shooting down of the accursed Mary-Sues.

Now perhaps I go quite overboard when I say with conviction

That from the human race a Mary-Suer deserves eviction-

But that is just a product of a frustration leading from

Hours of downloading Mary Sues to CD-ROM

And scouring them obsessively hoping just once to see

A trace- a sentence- just a word of pure originality!

The plot of Mary-Sues is this- and try to keep this in mind,

I have never in all my life been able once to find

A Mary Sue that differs in one teeny tiny way

From any of the guidelines that I am about to say-

A girl whose beauty rivals that of the Elvin race itself

Finds herself via a magic path in the midst of Middle-Earth.

The way she gets herself there is quite often not explained

And sometimes she's an elf herself- but never has any brains.

The beautiful girl (designed to make the writer's looks seem better)

Proceeds to be courageous and brave dangers of all weathers-

Wars, perhaps, or maybe forests in the dark of night-

In any case, she's soon in trouble and needs help in her plight.

And here comes Legolas- goodness me! He must have psychic powers

Or good eyes to see three thousand girls in trouble from his towers.

So he rescues her, being the knight with a damsel in distress

And brings her back to his home place and proceeds to remove her dress

To heal her wounds with Elvin cures. Now this part gets my goat-

If Legolas is so wonderful then how come he's such a stoat

That he actually removes the clothing of an injured girl?

And yet the Mary Sues (wouldn't you know it) savour every word.

(In one story which strained to be original- quite a feat-

It was Leggy who was in trouble and Mary Sue who did the deed

Of rescuing him- but the same result always ensues, I fear,

So if it's all the same to you I'll leave that story there.)

There are variations, of course- perhaps they are betrothed

Or maybe he meets her while she's singing poetry and odes-

Whatever the case, the same result can always be counted on-

The Mary Sue makes Legolas fall in love with her, that's certain.

Now if I lived in Middle Earth I'd still have a snub nose and pimples,

I'd make everyone annoyed with me and I would NOT have dimples-

But the one deed I have sworn to do is take a Murder Spell

And send every single Mary Sue to fiery Fanfic Hell.