When looking at my new reviews (they keep me warm at night),

A strange, distressing viewpoint became seared upon my sight.

While only cited once amongst the sixty-odd reviews,

It still reduced my stomach to a primordial ooze.

To put it in the nicest terms- a necessary act,

For quoting it would ruin any small semblance of tact-

I was accused of being clichéd, banal, hackneyed, trite.

(It is within Thesauruses that poets find delight)

For putting in my say about a-bashin' Mary Sues.

According to this 'person', this pursuit is REAL OLD NEWS.

Been there, done that, a million times, and then a couple more.

I felt as though Fanfic Police would soon knock on my door:

"Excuse me, Miss, just come with us." I'd scream and kick and fight,

But it would be no use- not even if I tried to bite.

I would have a Not Original branded on all my verse

And probably on my forehead too, accompanied by a curse

Sentencing me to haunt the windswept plains of Fanfic Land

Howling for new ideas, luring them in, ink pen in hand..

Well, hi-ho Silver, hold on there. Before I'm dragged away

I have a couple of issues, just some stuff I need to say.

Firstly, if you have got this far you should know my attitude

Regarding those blasphemous scum-of-the-earth Mary-Sues.

I won't reiterate it now. There would really be no point,

And I've only got one phone call before I'm hauled off to the joint.

Mary-Sue hating is rife. It's like a spreading plague of health.

Now, readers, do you think that just because there is a wealth

Of one particular idea out in the world today

That every convert should be tattooed with the word 'passé'?

That's like outlawing Islam because too many people believe.

If that is what the world is like then I'm applying to leave.

So there, my dear darling anonymous reviewer friend,

Is the first flaw in your campaign against our growing trend.

The second, and the biggest, is that if you'd care to think

About the stuff you're spouting like a broken kitchen sink

(I'm sorry, as a poet, for those awful last two lines,

But in the context, 'think' was a bad word to try and rhyme)

You would realise something. Listen. If what I say is widespread,

Then a lot of people want to bash Mary-Sues on the head.

And why do you suppose that that might be, you little genius you?

Because they keep on multiplying, as all mindless rabbits do!

(I meant no insult to rabbits, just got caught up in the heat-

Oh, forget it.) Look, I'm not going to bother to repeat

My stance on Mary-Sues again. Let me just make it clear

That it makes me and several- many- others sick to hear

Of such rampaging fruitfulness in the clans of Mary-Sues.

We're just doing what Nature meant for all species to do.

If YOU persist in spoiling one of literature's best,

Then we will keep maintaining: We're just here to tame a pest.