Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men or Friends and all characters and situations do not belong to me. Enjoy!
The One With the Thumb
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is there, except for Rogue, who enters.
ROGUE: (ENTERING) Hi guys!
ALL: Hey, Rogue! Hi!
SCOTT: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
ROGUE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
ALL: Ohh. Ouch.
JEAN: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
KITTY: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means like, 'You will so totally never see me naked'.
JEAN: Since when?
EVAN: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
KURT: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-vearing alcoholics and complaining about zem to you'.
ROGUE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
JEAN: And everybody knows this?
EVAN: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
KURT: Ja, it's like ven you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and zey tell you it vent off to live on some farm.
SCOTT: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
KITTY: Uh, Scott.
SCOTT: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
INT. KURT and EVAN'S APPARTMENTPART
EVAN is rehearsing a part, KURT is reading from the other part.
KURT: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
EVAN: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."
KURT: Hey, that vas really good!
EVAN: Thanks! Let's keep going.
KURT: Okay. "So. Vhaddya vant from me, Damone, huh?"
EVAN: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."
KURT: "Smoke away."
EVAN takes out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag and coughs.
KURT: I zink this is probably vhy Damone smokes in his cell alone.
EVAN: What?
KURT: Relax your hand!
EVAN lets his wrist go limp.
KURT: Not so much!
EVAN: Whoah!
KURT: Hey!
EVAN: Hey!
KURT: Alright, now try taking a puff.
EVAN tries and visibly winces.
KURT: Alright.. okay. Nien. Give it to me.
EVAN: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
KURT: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you vanna get this part, or not? Here.
EVAN reluctantly gives him the cigarette.
KURT: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as ze thing zat's been missing from your hand. Ven you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
EVAN: Y'miss it?
KURT: Nah, not so much. Alright, now ve smoke.
He takes a puff.
KURT: (Cont'd) Oh.. my.. God.
He continues to smoke.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is present except for JEAN and ROGUE.
KITTY: No, no, no. They say it's like, the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
The guys stretch out their hands.
EVAN: That's ridiculous!
SCOTT: Can I use.. either thumb?
JEAN brings some drinks over.
JEAN: Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!
She hands them out.
JEAN: (Cont'd) Decaf cappucino for Evan.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
JEAN leaves to serve others.
JEAN: Good for me!
As soon as she's gone, the others all swap around their drinks. ROGUE then enters, muttering. She sits down without saying hi.
EVAN: Y'okay, Rogue?
ROGUE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
KITTY: Like, what did they do to you?
ROGUE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
SCOTT: Easy.
ROGUE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
KURT: Oh nein, Satan's minions at vork again...
ROGUE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
EVAN: What are you talking about? Keep it!
ROGUE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
JEAN: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
ROGUE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
KITTY: We're totally with you. We got it.
KURT leans back over the back of the sofa, out of sight.
ROGUE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
JEAN: Kurt, what are you doing?
KITTY pulls him up.
KITTY: Hey. Whaddya doing?
KURT tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.
ALL: Oh! Oh, God!
SCOTT: What is this?!
KURT: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
ROGUE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
KURT: And this- is my reward!
SCOTT: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
KURT: Okay, so this time I von't quit!
ALL: Ohhh! Put it out!
KURT: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out.
He drops it in ROGUE'S COFFEE
ROGUE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
KITTY: Alright. I'm gonna like, go change, I've got a date.
JEAN: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
KITTY: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're totally having fun.
EVAN: So when do we get to meet the guy?
KITTY: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
ALL: Oh, come on! Come on!
KITTY: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
KURT: Vat are you talking about? Ve love Schhteve! Schhteve vas schhexy!.. Sorry.
KITTY: Look, I don't even know how I like, feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out okay?
JEAN: Well, then can we meet him?
KITTY: Nope. Schhorry.
INT. IRIDIUM
ISIHIZU and YURIKO are at work.
KITTY: I mean, why should I like, let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're like, all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
YURIKO: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
KITTY: I know. I just wish that once, I'd like, bring a guy home that they actually liked.
YURIKO: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT
Everyone is inside, except for KURT who is smoking on the balcony and ROGUE who is absent.
EVAN: Let it go, Scott.
SCOTT: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
KITTY: Do you all like, promise?
ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
KITTY: (Shouts to KURT) Kurt? Do you promise to be good?
KURT makes a 'cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and KURT taps on the window.
EVAN: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
KURT sulkily picks up a garbage can lid and shelters himself under it. ROGUE enters and strides to the couch, where she begins to read without saying hi.
SCOTT: Hey, Rogue.
ROGUE: 'Dear Ms. Rogue. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-
She searches in her purse and pulls out a football phone.
ROGUE: -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
JEAN: What bank is this?
The door buzzer sounds.
KITTY: Hey. It's him. (To intercom) Who is it?
ALAN (Intercom): It's Alan.
EVAN: (Shouts to KURT) Kurt! He's here!
KURT comes in, dripping wet.
KITTY: (To ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just like, remember how much you all like me.
She opens the front door and ALAN enters.
KITTY: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
ALAN: Hi.
ALL: Hi, Alan.
ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
Everyone laughs.
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT.
It is late in the evening, and KITTY is showing ALAN out.
KITTY: (At the door with ALAN) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (To ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's like, gonna take the first shot, hmm?
There is silence.
KITTY: C'mon!
SCOTT: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
KITTY: Wait a minute! We're both like, talking about someone that I'm going out with?
ALL: Yeah!
JEAN: And did you notice...?
She spreads her thumb and index finger.
THE GUYS: (Reluctantly) Yeah.
EVAN: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
ROGUE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
SCOTT: ...What shoe?
ROGUE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
There's a dubious pause.
SCOTT: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
JEAN: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
KITTY: Really!
KURT: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing zat at parties, right?
He does it.
SCOTT: You know what I like most about him, though?
ALL: What?
SCOTT: The way he makes me feel about myself.
ALL: Yeah...
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
KITTY is alone. SCOTT, JEAN, KURT and EVAN enter dejectedly, in softball gear.
KITTY: Hi.. so, how was the game?
SCOTT: Well..
ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
KITTY: Fantastic! I have like, one question: How is that possible?
EVAN: Alan.
SCOTT: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
JEAN: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
KURT: Yep, ve sure showed zose Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
KITTY: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever like, think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
SCOTT: What?
KITTY: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
JEAN: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
SCOTT: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
KURT: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
EXT. STREET
A woman named IRENE ADDLER is resting by a wall. ROGUE walks up to her.
ROGUE: Hey, Irene.
IRENE: Hey, Weird Girl.
ROGUE: I brought you alphabet soup.
IRENE: Did you pick out the vowels?
ROGUE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you.
She searches in her purse.
IRENE: Saltines?
ROGUE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
IRENE: What?
She opens the envelope ROGUE has given her.
IRENE: Oh my God, there's really money in here.
ROGUE: I know.
IRENE: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
ROGUE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
IRENE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
ROGUE: Oh, that's fine, no.
IRENE: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
ROGUE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
IRENE: Please, let me do something.
ROGUE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
IRENE: Okay.
ROGUE: Okay.
INT. KURT'S OFFICE
KURT looks around, then opens his desk drawer and takes a puff of a cigarette. Then he sprays some air freshener around and takes some breath spray. He types again for a moment, then he opens the drawer again and takes another puff. Not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.
EXT. SODA STAND
ROGUE and IRENE are buying a soda.
IRENE: Keep the change. (To ROGUE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
ROGUE: No, I'm fine.
IRENE leaves.
IRENE: See ya.
ROGUE opens the can and reacts.
ROGUE: Huh!
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is sitting down as ROGUE tells them about her about her soda.
SCOTT: A thumb?!
ROGUE nods.
ALL: Eww!
ROGUE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
KURT: Vell, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
ROGUE: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
ALL: Nooo!
KURT lights a cigarette.
ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
JEAN: It's worse than the thumb!
KURT: Hey, zis is so unfair!
KITTY: Oh, why is it so unfair?
KURT: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Evan's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Scott, vith his over-pronouncing every single vord? And Kitty, vith that snort when she laughs? I mean, vhat the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
There's an uncomfortable silence.
EVAN: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
JEAN: Well, I-I could live without it.
EVAN: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Rogue chews her hair?
ROGUE spits out her hair.
SCOTT: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Rogue, I think it's endearing.
EVAN: Oh, (Imitating SCOTT) "you do, do you"?
KITTY laughs and snorts.
SCOTT: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
JEAN: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.
ROGUE: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
JEAN: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
They degenerate into bickering and KURT happily smokes undisturbed.
INT. IRIDIUM
Once again, KITTY and YURIKO are at work.
KITTY: Did you ever like, go out with a guy your friends all really like?
YURIKO: No.
KITTY: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends totally like.
YURIKO: Wait wait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
KITTY: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't like, feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
YURIKO: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Kitty, dump him!
KITTY: I know.. it's gonna be like, really hard.
YURIKO: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
KITTY: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
EVAN and SCOTT are persecuting KURT.
EVAN: Do you have any respect for your body?
SCOTT: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
KURT: Hey, y'know, I have had it vith you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
JEAN comes over with a phone.
JEAN: Kurt? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
KURT: Really? He does?
He takes the phone.
KURT: (Cont'd) Hey, buddy, vhat's up! Oh, she told you about zat, huh. Vell, yeah, I have ein now and then. Vell, yeah, now. Vell, it's not that big- ..vell, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Vell, okay, thanks!
He hands back the phone and stubs out his cigarette.
JEAN: (To SCOTT, who has wandered up) God, he's good.
SCOTT: If only he were a woman.
JEAN: Yeah.
They give each other a dubious look.
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT
Everyone except KITTY and EVAN are watching Lambchop.
KURT: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is zat sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
SCOTT: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
He does so. KITTY enters.
KITTY: Hey. Like, where's Evan?
KURT: Evan ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
JEAN: I think he's across the hall.
KITTY: Thanks.
She goes to fetch him. SCOTT finishes changing KURT'S nicotine patch.
SCOTT: There y'go.
KURT: (Deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive vith pleasure now.
SCOTT: Hey Rogue, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Rogue?
ROGUE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
SCOTT: Hey, I might!
ROGUE: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God.
ROGUE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
EVAN is dragged in by KITTY. He has just come out of the shower.
EVAN: What's going on?
KITTY: Nothing. I just like, think it's nice when we're all here together.
EVAN: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
JEAN: Uh, Evan..
EVAN: Oh, God!
He hurriedly closes his knees.
KITTY turns off the TV and turns to the gang.
KITTY: Okay..
ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!
KITTY: Please, guys, we so totally have to talk.
ROGUE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
KITTY: Alright, we have to talk.
ROGUE: There it is!
KITTY: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
They all gasp and clutch each other.
SCOTT: Is there somebody else?
KITTY: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.
JEAN: We didn't change..
EVAN: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
ROGUE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-
She starts to chew her hair.
KITTY: Look, I- I could like, go on pretending-
EVAN: Okay!
KITTY: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
SCOTT: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.
KITTY: I'm sorry..
KURT: (Sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
JEAN: (Tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
KITTY: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!
KITTY: Are you guys gonna be like, okay?
SCOTT: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
KITTY: (Dubious) I understand.
INT. RESTAURANT
KITTY is talking to ALAN. ALAN is tall, with long dark hair.
ALAN: Wow.
KITTY: I'm, I'm really sorry.
ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
KITTY: Relieved?
ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT
The gang are moping around, eating ice cream.
JEAN: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
SCOTT: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
KITTY enters.
KITTY: Hi.
ALL: Mmm.
SCOTT: So how'd it go?
KITTY: Oh, y'know..
ROGUE: Did he mention us?
KITTY: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (Dubious look)
SCOTT: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere.
She sits down and SCOTT strokes her forehead.
KURT: ...That's it. I'm getting ze cigarettes.
ALL: No no no!
KURT: (Leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm veak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
ROGUE: (Shouts as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
KURT re-enters.
KURT: Yeah, alright.
CAST
Scott Summers.................................Kirby Morrow
Jean Grey.................................Venus Terzo
Evan Daniels.................................Neil Denis
Rogue.................................Meghan Black
Kurt Wagner.................................Brad Swaile
Kitty Pryde.................................Maggie Blue O'Harra
Alan.................................Richard Ian Cox
Irene Addler.................................Ellen Kennedy
Yuriko.................................Janyse Jaud
Yay! Another chapter up. Here's a quick preview of the next episode:
ROGUE: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
SCOTT: Today's the day Amara and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (EVAN is puzzled) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
ROGUE: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
JEAN: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Duncan lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Author's Note:
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, they are what keep me going. So keep reviewing!
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is there, except for Rogue, who enters.
ROGUE: (ENTERING) Hi guys!
ALL: Hey, Rogue! Hi!
SCOTT: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
ROGUE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
ALL: Ohh. Ouch.
JEAN: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
KITTY: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means like, 'You will so totally never see me naked'.
JEAN: Since when?
EVAN: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
KURT: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-vearing alcoholics and complaining about zem to you'.
ROGUE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
JEAN: And everybody knows this?
EVAN: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
KURT: Ja, it's like ven you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and zey tell you it vent off to live on some farm.
SCOTT: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
KITTY: Uh, Scott.
SCOTT: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
INT. KURT and EVAN'S APPARTMENTPART
EVAN is rehearsing a part, KURT is reading from the other part.
KURT: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
EVAN: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."
KURT: Hey, that vas really good!
EVAN: Thanks! Let's keep going.
KURT: Okay. "So. Vhaddya vant from me, Damone, huh?"
EVAN: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."
KURT: "Smoke away."
EVAN takes out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarette, takes a drag and coughs.
KURT: I zink this is probably vhy Damone smokes in his cell alone.
EVAN: What?
KURT: Relax your hand!
EVAN lets his wrist go limp.
KURT: Not so much!
EVAN: Whoah!
KURT: Hey!
EVAN: Hey!
KURT: Alright, now try taking a puff.
EVAN tries and visibly winces.
KURT: Alright.. okay. Nien. Give it to me.
EVAN: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
KURT: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you vanna get this part, or not? Here.
EVAN reluctantly gives him the cigarette.
KURT: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as ze thing zat's been missing from your hand. Ven you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
EVAN: Y'miss it?
KURT: Nah, not so much. Alright, now ve smoke.
He takes a puff.
KURT: (Cont'd) Oh.. my.. God.
He continues to smoke.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is present except for JEAN and ROGUE.
KITTY: No, no, no. They say it's like, the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
The guys stretch out their hands.
EVAN: That's ridiculous!
SCOTT: Can I use.. either thumb?
JEAN brings some drinks over.
JEAN: Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!
She hands them out.
JEAN: (Cont'd) Decaf cappucino for Evan.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
JEAN leaves to serve others.
JEAN: Good for me!
As soon as she's gone, the others all swap around their drinks. ROGUE then enters, muttering. She sits down without saying hi.
EVAN: Y'okay, Rogue?
ROGUE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
KITTY: Like, what did they do to you?
ROGUE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
SCOTT: Easy.
ROGUE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
KURT: Oh nein, Satan's minions at vork again...
ROGUE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
EVAN: What are you talking about? Keep it!
ROGUE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
JEAN: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
ROGUE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
KITTY: We're totally with you. We got it.
KURT leans back over the back of the sofa, out of sight.
ROGUE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
JEAN: Kurt, what are you doing?
KITTY pulls him up.
KITTY: Hey. Whaddya doing?
KURT tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.
ALL: Oh! Oh, God!
SCOTT: What is this?!
KURT: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
ROGUE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
KURT: And this- is my reward!
SCOTT: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
KURT: Okay, so this time I von't quit!
ALL: Ohhh! Put it out!
KURT: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out.
He drops it in ROGUE'S COFFEE
ROGUE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
KITTY: Alright. I'm gonna like, go change, I've got a date.
JEAN: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
KITTY: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're totally having fun.
EVAN: So when do we get to meet the guy?
KITTY: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
ALL: Oh, come on! Come on!
KITTY: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
KURT: Vat are you talking about? Ve love Schhteve! Schhteve vas schhexy!.. Sorry.
KITTY: Look, I don't even know how I like, feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out okay?
JEAN: Well, then can we meet him?
KITTY: Nope. Schhorry.
INT. IRIDIUM
ISIHIZU and YURIKO are at work.
KITTY: I mean, why should I like, let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're like, all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
YURIKO: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
KITTY: I know. I just wish that once, I'd like, bring a guy home that they actually liked.
YURIKO: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT
Everyone is inside, except for KURT who is smoking on the balcony and ROGUE who is absent.
EVAN: Let it go, Scott.
SCOTT: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
KITTY: Do you all like, promise?
ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
KITTY: (Shouts to KURT) Kurt? Do you promise to be good?
KURT makes a 'cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and KURT taps on the window.
EVAN: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
KURT sulkily picks up a garbage can lid and shelters himself under it. ROGUE enters and strides to the couch, where she begins to read without saying hi.
SCOTT: Hey, Rogue.
ROGUE: 'Dear Ms. Rogue. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-
She searches in her purse and pulls out a football phone.
ROGUE: -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
JEAN: What bank is this?
The door buzzer sounds.
KITTY: Hey. It's him. (To intercom) Who is it?
ALAN (Intercom): It's Alan.
EVAN: (Shouts to KURT) Kurt! He's here!
KURT comes in, dripping wet.
KITTY: (To ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just like, remember how much you all like me.
She opens the front door and ALAN enters.
KITTY: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
ALAN: Hi.
ALL: Hi, Alan.
ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
Everyone laughs.
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT.
It is late in the evening, and KITTY is showing ALAN out.
KITTY: (At the door with ALAN) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (To ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's like, gonna take the first shot, hmm?
There is silence.
KITTY: C'mon!
SCOTT: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
KITTY: Wait a minute! We're both like, talking about someone that I'm going out with?
ALL: Yeah!
JEAN: And did you notice...?
She spreads her thumb and index finger.
THE GUYS: (Reluctantly) Yeah.
EVAN: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
ROGUE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
SCOTT: ...What shoe?
ROGUE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
There's a dubious pause.
SCOTT: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
JEAN: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
KITTY: Really!
KURT: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing zat at parties, right?
He does it.
SCOTT: You know what I like most about him, though?
ALL: What?
SCOTT: The way he makes me feel about myself.
ALL: Yeah...
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
KITTY is alone. SCOTT, JEAN, KURT and EVAN enter dejectedly, in softball gear.
KITTY: Hi.. so, how was the game?
SCOTT: Well..
ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
KITTY: Fantastic! I have like, one question: How is that possible?
EVAN: Alan.
SCOTT: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
JEAN: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
KURT: Yep, ve sure showed zose Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
KITTY: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever like, think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
SCOTT: What?
KITTY: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
JEAN: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
SCOTT: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
KURT: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
EXT. STREET
A woman named IRENE ADDLER is resting by a wall. ROGUE walks up to her.
ROGUE: Hey, Irene.
IRENE: Hey, Weird Girl.
ROGUE: I brought you alphabet soup.
IRENE: Did you pick out the vowels?
ROGUE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you.
She searches in her purse.
IRENE: Saltines?
ROGUE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
IRENE: What?
She opens the envelope ROGUE has given her.
IRENE: Oh my God, there's really money in here.
ROGUE: I know.
IRENE: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
ROGUE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
IRENE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
ROGUE: Oh, that's fine, no.
IRENE: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
ROGUE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
IRENE: Please, let me do something.
ROGUE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
IRENE: Okay.
ROGUE: Okay.
INT. KURT'S OFFICE
KURT looks around, then opens his desk drawer and takes a puff of a cigarette. Then he sprays some air freshener around and takes some breath spray. He types again for a moment, then he opens the drawer again and takes another puff. Not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.
EXT. SODA STAND
ROGUE and IRENE are buying a soda.
IRENE: Keep the change. (To ROGUE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
ROGUE: No, I'm fine.
IRENE leaves.
IRENE: See ya.
ROGUE opens the can and reacts.
ROGUE: Huh!
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
Everyone is sitting down as ROGUE tells them about her about her soda.
SCOTT: A thumb?!
ROGUE nods.
ALL: Eww!
ROGUE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
KURT: Vell, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
ROGUE: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
ALL: Nooo!
KURT lights a cigarette.
ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
JEAN: It's worse than the thumb!
KURT: Hey, zis is so unfair!
KITTY: Oh, why is it so unfair?
KURT: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Evan's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Scott, vith his over-pronouncing every single vord? And Kitty, vith that snort when she laughs? I mean, vhat the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
There's an uncomfortable silence.
EVAN: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
JEAN: Well, I-I could live without it.
EVAN: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Rogue chews her hair?
ROGUE spits out her hair.
SCOTT: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Rogue, I think it's endearing.
EVAN: Oh, (Imitating SCOTT) "you do, do you"?
KITTY laughs and snorts.
SCOTT: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
JEAN: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.
ROGUE: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
JEAN: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
They degenerate into bickering and KURT happily smokes undisturbed.
INT. IRIDIUM
Once again, KITTY and YURIKO are at work.
KITTY: Did you ever like, go out with a guy your friends all really like?
YURIKO: No.
KITTY: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends totally like.
YURIKO: Wait wait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
KITTY: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't like, feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
YURIKO: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Kitty, dump him!
KITTY: I know.. it's gonna be like, really hard.
YURIKO: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
KITTY: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
INT. DUNCAN'S COFFEE
EVAN and SCOTT are persecuting KURT.
EVAN: Do you have any respect for your body?
SCOTT: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
KURT: Hey, y'know, I have had it vith you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
JEAN comes over with a phone.
JEAN: Kurt? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
KURT: Really? He does?
He takes the phone.
KURT: (Cont'd) Hey, buddy, vhat's up! Oh, she told you about zat, huh. Vell, yeah, I have ein now and then. Vell, yeah, now. Vell, it's not that big- ..vell, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Vell, okay, thanks!
He hands back the phone and stubs out his cigarette.
JEAN: (To SCOTT, who has wandered up) God, he's good.
SCOTT: If only he were a woman.
JEAN: Yeah.
They give each other a dubious look.
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT
Everyone except KITTY and EVAN are watching Lambchop.
KURT: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is zat sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
SCOTT: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
He does so. KITTY enters.
KITTY: Hey. Like, where's Evan?
KURT: Evan ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
JEAN: I think he's across the hall.
KITTY: Thanks.
She goes to fetch him. SCOTT finishes changing KURT'S nicotine patch.
SCOTT: There y'go.
KURT: (Deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive vith pleasure now.
SCOTT: Hey Rogue, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Rogue?
ROGUE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
SCOTT: Hey, I might!
ROGUE: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God.
ROGUE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
EVAN is dragged in by KITTY. He has just come out of the shower.
EVAN: What's going on?
KITTY: Nothing. I just like, think it's nice when we're all here together.
EVAN: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
JEAN: Uh, Evan..
EVAN: Oh, God!
He hurriedly closes his knees.
KITTY turns off the TV and turns to the gang.
KITTY: Okay..
ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!
KITTY: Please, guys, we so totally have to talk.
ROGUE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
KITTY: Alright, we have to talk.
ROGUE: There it is!
KITTY: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
They all gasp and clutch each other.
SCOTT: Is there somebody else?
KITTY: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.
JEAN: We didn't change..
EVAN: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
ROGUE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-
She starts to chew her hair.
KITTY: Look, I- I could like, go on pretending-
EVAN: Okay!
KITTY: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
SCOTT: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.
KITTY: I'm sorry..
KURT: (Sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
JEAN: (Tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
KITTY: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!
KITTY: Are you guys gonna be like, okay?
SCOTT: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
KITTY: (Dubious) I understand.
INT. RESTAURANT
KITTY is talking to ALAN. ALAN is tall, with long dark hair.
ALAN: Wow.
KITTY: I'm, I'm really sorry.
ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
KITTY: Relieved?
ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.
INT. JEAN AND KITTY'S APPARTMENT
The gang are moping around, eating ice cream.
JEAN: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
SCOTT: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
KITTY enters.
KITTY: Hi.
ALL: Mmm.
SCOTT: So how'd it go?
KITTY: Oh, y'know..
ROGUE: Did he mention us?
KITTY: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (Dubious look)
SCOTT: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere.
She sits down and SCOTT strokes her forehead.
KURT: ...That's it. I'm getting ze cigarettes.
ALL: No no no!
KURT: (Leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm veak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
ROGUE: (Shouts as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
KURT re-enters.
KURT: Yeah, alright.
CAST
Scott Summers.................................Kirby Morrow
Jean Grey.................................Venus Terzo
Evan Daniels.................................Neil Denis
Rogue.................................Meghan Black
Kurt Wagner.................................Brad Swaile
Kitty Pryde.................................Maggie Blue O'Harra
Alan.................................Richard Ian Cox
Irene Addler.................................Ellen Kennedy
Yuriko.................................Janyse Jaud
Yay! Another chapter up. Here's a quick preview of the next episode:
ROGUE: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
SCOTT: Today's the day Amara and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (EVAN is puzzled) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
ROGUE: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
JEAN: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Duncan lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Author's Note:
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, they are what keep me going. So keep reviewing!