Title: Blow My Whistle, Bitch
Fandom: HP.
Characters: Remus and Sirius.
Rating: PG-13, I suppose. Language and all. And hints at naughty things.
Spoilers: None, really. I mean, I guess you*ve all read at least PoA if you*re reading this.
Pairing: R/S
Genre: Slash.
Notes: Takes place during OoTP. It*s silly and fluffy. Also, if the HTML is being evil again, go to a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/emoscapes/2459.html"target="new"the entry for it/a in my writing journal.
Disclaimer: I don*t own Remus and Sirius.
It had sprung up out of nowhere. Remus thought it was an evil being, sent to torment him when all he wanted to do was relax in his favourite bar with his lover and drink till he could barely walk. But that /i had ruined all such hope for him. And what made it all the worse was that his lover found it /i. He would join all the barely-or-slightly-less-than-legals on it and make an ass of himself at all possible costs. If Remus didn't know any better, he'd have guessed that the machine was a tool that the dementors were using to try and give Sirius the kiss inadvertently. Remus was sure that every fifteen knuts that Sirius fed into the machine gave away a tiny fraction of his soul. As much as he loved muggles and their culture, he thought this was the most vile creation they had ever come up with, even when one thought about the horror that was shoulder pads.
br
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," Sirius would whine and pull on his hand. "It's fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!"
br
"I'm sorry. I don't consider flailing around like an idiot very fun," Remus would respond, then he would take his hand away, and glower at him over the rim of his drink. Sirius would pout and try the puppy eyes (and he was so good at them, damn him!), but still Remus Lupin wouldn't budge. One time, Sirius had threatened to withhold sex unless he tried it. Remus had laughed and given him a handjob under the table, refusing to let him come until he agreed to not withhold sex and did he /i think that he could stop a horny werewolf? That had killed that nearly-brill plan of Sirius.
br
But Sirius hadn't been one of the top students in his class at Hogwarts for nothing. And he knew how to play his lover like a violin. Granted, Remus was a violinist, metaphorically and literally, and Sirius couldn't play worth a damn, but he figured that watching Remus's fingers for long spans of time surely must have rubbed off on him somehow. So he had thought long and hard and devised a plan. A very evil plan, indeed.
br
That night, Sirius and Remus were sitting at their usual table, side by side. Remus on the inside seat of the booth, Sirius on the outside. Sirius was staring longingly at the machine, wanting nothing more than to run over there and feed his soul and his knuts into it, but he knew that he had to wait if he ever wanted to get Remus on that thing without sustaining any injuries. He had to take his mind off of it. He had to implement his plan /i. The sooner he attacked, the sooner he could feed his addiction. Sirius turned to Remus and burrowed his face in the crook of his neck.
br
"Love?" he asked softly, his lips grazing the sensitive skin on Remus's neck. The werewolf shivered lightly.
br
"Have I recently mentioned how amazingly gorgeous you are?" his hand slipped down to rub his thighs lightly. Remus blinked.
br
"Um. No."
br
"Oh my. Now, that just won't do," the hand slid down to his knee and Remus whimpered. Sirius smiled and slid his hand back up to Remus's thighs. Remus stopped his whimpering, so Sirius decided to fill the silence. "You're so amazingly beautiful. Every last inch of you." At this point in time, the hand came to a rest between his thighs and Remus shifted his hips to get the tiniest bit of friction and warmth. "I'm so unbelievably horny right now and I can't think of anything that I need more than to watch you."
br
"Watch me do what?" Remus's voice was a low, husky growl. Sirius groped him.
br
"I need to watch you dance."
br
"Padfoot!" Remus yelped and squirmed away from him. Sirius pouted.
br
"No! You're awful! You're a loony! How dare you feel me up in public just to make me get on that stupid thing!" Remus was livid. Apparently, Sirius was no musician. Sirius sulked and folded his arms across his chest, slumping down in his seat.
br
"Well, I could have been feeling you up because I /i to. You automatically assume I was using those subversive measures to suade you to make me happy."
br
"And how would me flailing around and hopping like an utter ass make you happy?"
br
Bam! It hit him! Like a bludger to his forehead (which had actually happened a few times back in his days as beater). He had to try very, very hard to keep his pout. "Because I like watching your cute little ass when you dance."
br
"And when have you ever seen me dance, eh? I have two left feet."
br
"No you don't. I seem to recall you dancing quite well at James's bachelor party."
br
"That was you."
br
".... oh."
br
"Are you watching my lips? Here. Watch them now." Sirius stared intently. "I. Do. Not. Dance."
br
"Well who said this was dancing! It's flailing around like an ass!"
br
"Is that my incentive?"
br
".... okay. You'd be flailing around like an ass, but you'd be flailing around like /i ass." Remus tried to knock the very disturbing mental image out of his head. "And it would make me laugh and clap and be happy and amused. Because you're my ass and I love you."
br
"Sirius, that really makes no sense. And it greatly disturbs me."
br
"Well, don't think of the ass bit. Think of the clapping and the laughing and the happiness. Please?" The pouty lip jutted out further. The eyes became shinier and wider. Remus could swear he heard whimpering.
br
"Sirius, please."
br
"I'll do that thing with my tongue that you like."
br
"I thought we already went over the fact that sex couldn't be used as bribery...?"
br
"That's still sex."
br
"For an hour."
br
"Give me fifteen knuts." Remus held out his palm and Sirius deposited the money and stood. Remus sighed heavily as he scooted out of the booth. "Sometimes, I really hate you."
br
"I always love you," Sirius smiled and leaned down to kiss him gently. Remus stood and made his way over to the machine. For some reason, he couldn't get the phrase "Dead man walking!" out of his head. He stood in front of the machine that kept screaming at him to come on over and play. His hands gripped the bar tightly. Sirius had followed him over and now stood behind him. He nudged Remus's back with his elbow. Remus turned and glared.
br
"Do you mind."
br
"Get on the damn platform."
br
Remus did so. "It's like a stage. It makes me feel like everyone's watching me."
br
"That's the point. It's a dancing competition, twit."
br
"I really don't like that tone of voice. I should just leave right now."
br
"Tongue. Hour."
br
"Gah." Remus deposited his money into the slot and turned to face Sirius again. "You know, I'm too fucking old for this."
br
"No you're not. I'm not too old for it and we're the same age. So you're not too old for it. Don't be a pussy."
br
"No, because then you'd have a strong aversion to me." Remus turned back to the machine to pick out his song while he let Sirius try and figure out the insinuations of his comment. A few seconds later...
br
"Hey! I resent that! You know that Mary Sue from Hufflepuff was my first!"
br
"And last. Now, what do I do? All the instructions are in Japanese."
br
"Oh, fuck you. I hit the square when the arrow gets to the top, right?"
br
"Yes." Sirius's gaze fell on the song Remus had chosen. He winced. "Re, might I suggest something other than 'Paranoia' for your first?"
br
"Hmph. Pick one, then, since you seem to be the Lord of the Dance."
br
Sirius grinned. "Yes, I suppose I /i the Lord of the Dance."
br
Remus pondered this while Sirius chose the song for him. He stopped on a song called 'Cowgirl' and selected it. "Well, I wouldn't say Lord of the Dance. More like Lord of the Flailing Around Like an Ass."
br
"Oh, well. Show me how it's done, Michael Flatley," Sirius gestured with his hand as the music began.
br
Remus felt like he was under fire. Arrows were coming at him in all directions. He couldn't move his feet fast enough. Within fifteen seconds, he wanted to weep. "Sirius, I can't! I have to stop now!"
br
"Three songs or no tongue."
br
"You heard me. Besides, you're doing fine. Just calm down."
br
Remus took his advice and realized that hey, the arrows weren't that fast. And who cared if he fucked it up? He started to relax and the game became much easier. Soon, the announcer stopped yelling things like "What are you? A monkey?" and started yelling "Your dance is like sunshine on a cloudy day!" The assault of the arrows finally stopped and Remus clapped.
br
"One down, two more to go. Pick the next one."
br
And so, Sirius did. He chose 'It's Raining Men' just to spite Remus. Remus passed this one with ease as well. His dancing was also getting to be more like dancing and less like flailing. A /i less like flailing. Sirius was starting to get upset. He got even more upset after Remus ended up passing 'Dam Dariram.' The biggest shock was that Remus wanted to play /i after his three songs.
br
"You know that doesn't mean /i hours, right? Because I don't think I'd be able to talk for a week afterwards."
br
"Oh, and what a great loss /i would be, eh?" Remus grinned. Sirius pouted. He moved to choose the songs for Remus, but Remus smacked his hand away. "I want to choose my own songs now."
br
Sirius seethed. Fine. Let him choose 'DXY!' He'll fail. Fine. Let him pass and then let him choose 'Dynamite Rave.' With any luck, he'll break his kneecap if he does a kneedrop. And fine. Fine fine fine. Let him shake his ass in a cute little way while choosing his third song.
br
"Did you see that kneedrop?? Wasn't it fab?" Remus beamed.
br
"How do you know that terminology? How do you know what the fuck to call dropping down on a knee like an idiot? It was stupid! You look like the biggest idiot I've ever seen!"
br
"Oh well, clearly you haven't looked into any mirrors lately," Remus mused to himself. He picked a song and turned back to face Sirius with a wicked grin. "Blow my whistle. Bitch."
br
Sirius growled before realizing that was the final song that Remus had chosen, not a command. Of course, Remus passed. Sirius had had enough of the display though, and tugged him off of the machine.
br
"But I'm not done! I want to play more Dance Dance Revolution!"
br
"NO. We are going back home and I will blow your whistle. Bitch." Sirius apparated back to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.
br
"Oh. Well. That's even better," Remus said to no one, then quickly apparated back as well, looking forward to a mindnumbing hour.
Fandom: HP.
Characters: Remus and Sirius.
Rating: PG-13, I suppose. Language and all. And hints at naughty things.
Spoilers: None, really. I mean, I guess you*ve all read at least PoA if you*re reading this.
Pairing: R/S
Genre: Slash.
Notes: Takes place during OoTP. It*s silly and fluffy. Also, if the HTML is being evil again, go to a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/emoscapes/2459.html"target="new"the entry for it/a in my writing journal.
Disclaimer: I don*t own Remus and Sirius.
It had sprung up out of nowhere. Remus thought it was an evil being, sent to torment him when all he wanted to do was relax in his favourite bar with his lover and drink till he could barely walk. But that /i had ruined all such hope for him. And what made it all the worse was that his lover found it /i. He would join all the barely-or-slightly-less-than-legals on it and make an ass of himself at all possible costs. If Remus didn't know any better, he'd have guessed that the machine was a tool that the dementors were using to try and give Sirius the kiss inadvertently. Remus was sure that every fifteen knuts that Sirius fed into the machine gave away a tiny fraction of his soul. As much as he loved muggles and their culture, he thought this was the most vile creation they had ever come up with, even when one thought about the horror that was shoulder pads.
br
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," Sirius would whine and pull on his hand. "It's fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!"
br
"I'm sorry. I don't consider flailing around like an idiot very fun," Remus would respond, then he would take his hand away, and glower at him over the rim of his drink. Sirius would pout and try the puppy eyes (and he was so good at them, damn him!), but still Remus Lupin wouldn't budge. One time, Sirius had threatened to withhold sex unless he tried it. Remus had laughed and given him a handjob under the table, refusing to let him come until he agreed to not withhold sex and did he /i think that he could stop a horny werewolf? That had killed that nearly-brill plan of Sirius.
br
But Sirius hadn't been one of the top students in his class at Hogwarts for nothing. And he knew how to play his lover like a violin. Granted, Remus was a violinist, metaphorically and literally, and Sirius couldn't play worth a damn, but he figured that watching Remus's fingers for long spans of time surely must have rubbed off on him somehow. So he had thought long and hard and devised a plan. A very evil plan, indeed.
br
That night, Sirius and Remus were sitting at their usual table, side by side. Remus on the inside seat of the booth, Sirius on the outside. Sirius was staring longingly at the machine, wanting nothing more than to run over there and feed his soul and his knuts into it, but he knew that he had to wait if he ever wanted to get Remus on that thing without sustaining any injuries. He had to take his mind off of it. He had to implement his plan /i. The sooner he attacked, the sooner he could feed his addiction. Sirius turned to Remus and burrowed his face in the crook of his neck.
br
"Love?" he asked softly, his lips grazing the sensitive skin on Remus's neck. The werewolf shivered lightly.
br
"Have I recently mentioned how amazingly gorgeous you are?" his hand slipped down to rub his thighs lightly. Remus blinked.
br
"Um. No."
br
"Oh my. Now, that just won't do," the hand slid down to his knee and Remus whimpered. Sirius smiled and slid his hand back up to Remus's thighs. Remus stopped his whimpering, so Sirius decided to fill the silence. "You're so amazingly beautiful. Every last inch of you." At this point in time, the hand came to a rest between his thighs and Remus shifted his hips to get the tiniest bit of friction and warmth. "I'm so unbelievably horny right now and I can't think of anything that I need more than to watch you."
br
"Watch me do what?" Remus's voice was a low, husky growl. Sirius groped him.
br
"I need to watch you dance."
br
"Padfoot!" Remus yelped and squirmed away from him. Sirius pouted.
br
"No! You're awful! You're a loony! How dare you feel me up in public just to make me get on that stupid thing!" Remus was livid. Apparently, Sirius was no musician. Sirius sulked and folded his arms across his chest, slumping down in his seat.
br
"Well, I could have been feeling you up because I /i to. You automatically assume I was using those subversive measures to suade you to make me happy."
br
"And how would me flailing around and hopping like an utter ass make you happy?"
br
Bam! It hit him! Like a bludger to his forehead (which had actually happened a few times back in his days as beater). He had to try very, very hard to keep his pout. "Because I like watching your cute little ass when you dance."
br
"And when have you ever seen me dance, eh? I have two left feet."
br
"No you don't. I seem to recall you dancing quite well at James's bachelor party."
br
"That was you."
br
".... oh."
br
"Are you watching my lips? Here. Watch them now." Sirius stared intently. "I. Do. Not. Dance."
br
"Well who said this was dancing! It's flailing around like an ass!"
br
"Is that my incentive?"
br
".... okay. You'd be flailing around like an ass, but you'd be flailing around like /i ass." Remus tried to knock the very disturbing mental image out of his head. "And it would make me laugh and clap and be happy and amused. Because you're my ass and I love you."
br
"Sirius, that really makes no sense. And it greatly disturbs me."
br
"Well, don't think of the ass bit. Think of the clapping and the laughing and the happiness. Please?" The pouty lip jutted out further. The eyes became shinier and wider. Remus could swear he heard whimpering.
br
"Sirius, please."
br
"I'll do that thing with my tongue that you like."
br
"I thought we already went over the fact that sex couldn't be used as bribery...?"
br
"That's still sex."
br
"For an hour."
br
"Give me fifteen knuts." Remus held out his palm and Sirius deposited the money and stood. Remus sighed heavily as he scooted out of the booth. "Sometimes, I really hate you."
br
"I always love you," Sirius smiled and leaned down to kiss him gently. Remus stood and made his way over to the machine. For some reason, he couldn't get the phrase "Dead man walking!" out of his head. He stood in front of the machine that kept screaming at him to come on over and play. His hands gripped the bar tightly. Sirius had followed him over and now stood behind him. He nudged Remus's back with his elbow. Remus turned and glared.
br
"Do you mind."
br
"Get on the damn platform."
br
Remus did so. "It's like a stage. It makes me feel like everyone's watching me."
br
"That's the point. It's a dancing competition, twit."
br
"I really don't like that tone of voice. I should just leave right now."
br
"Tongue. Hour."
br
"Gah." Remus deposited his money into the slot and turned to face Sirius again. "You know, I'm too fucking old for this."
br
"No you're not. I'm not too old for it and we're the same age. So you're not too old for it. Don't be a pussy."
br
"No, because then you'd have a strong aversion to me." Remus turned back to the machine to pick out his song while he let Sirius try and figure out the insinuations of his comment. A few seconds later...
br
"Hey! I resent that! You know that Mary Sue from Hufflepuff was my first!"
br
"And last. Now, what do I do? All the instructions are in Japanese."
br
"Oh, fuck you. I hit the square when the arrow gets to the top, right?"
br
"Yes." Sirius's gaze fell on the song Remus had chosen. He winced. "Re, might I suggest something other than 'Paranoia' for your first?"
br
"Hmph. Pick one, then, since you seem to be the Lord of the Dance."
br
Sirius grinned. "Yes, I suppose I /i the Lord of the Dance."
br
Remus pondered this while Sirius chose the song for him. He stopped on a song called 'Cowgirl' and selected it. "Well, I wouldn't say Lord of the Dance. More like Lord of the Flailing Around Like an Ass."
br
"Oh, well. Show me how it's done, Michael Flatley," Sirius gestured with his hand as the music began.
br
Remus felt like he was under fire. Arrows were coming at him in all directions. He couldn't move his feet fast enough. Within fifteen seconds, he wanted to weep. "Sirius, I can't! I have to stop now!"
br
"Three songs or no tongue."
br
"You heard me. Besides, you're doing fine. Just calm down."
br
Remus took his advice and realized that hey, the arrows weren't that fast. And who cared if he fucked it up? He started to relax and the game became much easier. Soon, the announcer stopped yelling things like "What are you? A monkey?" and started yelling "Your dance is like sunshine on a cloudy day!" The assault of the arrows finally stopped and Remus clapped.
br
"One down, two more to go. Pick the next one."
br
And so, Sirius did. He chose 'It's Raining Men' just to spite Remus. Remus passed this one with ease as well. His dancing was also getting to be more like dancing and less like flailing. A /i less like flailing. Sirius was starting to get upset. He got even more upset after Remus ended up passing 'Dam Dariram.' The biggest shock was that Remus wanted to play /i after his three songs.
br
"You know that doesn't mean /i hours, right? Because I don't think I'd be able to talk for a week afterwards."
br
"Oh, and what a great loss /i would be, eh?" Remus grinned. Sirius pouted. He moved to choose the songs for Remus, but Remus smacked his hand away. "I want to choose my own songs now."
br
Sirius seethed. Fine. Let him choose 'DXY!' He'll fail. Fine. Let him pass and then let him choose 'Dynamite Rave.' With any luck, he'll break his kneecap if he does a kneedrop. And fine. Fine fine fine. Let him shake his ass in a cute little way while choosing his third song.
br
"Did you see that kneedrop?? Wasn't it fab?" Remus beamed.
br
"How do you know that terminology? How do you know what the fuck to call dropping down on a knee like an idiot? It was stupid! You look like the biggest idiot I've ever seen!"
br
"Oh well, clearly you haven't looked into any mirrors lately," Remus mused to himself. He picked a song and turned back to face Sirius with a wicked grin. "Blow my whistle. Bitch."
br
Sirius growled before realizing that was the final song that Remus had chosen, not a command. Of course, Remus passed. Sirius had had enough of the display though, and tugged him off of the machine.
br
"But I'm not done! I want to play more Dance Dance Revolution!"
br
"NO. We are going back home and I will blow your whistle. Bitch." Sirius apparated back to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.
br
"Oh. Well. That's even better," Remus said to no one, then quickly apparated back as well, looking forward to a mindnumbing hour.