Even though I know that this is the way things should be, it still bothers me no end. The violent instinct that drives me is quite alarming, yet this mounting frustration is not something that I can will to go away. If I could, I would have a long time ago. Yes, he loves her, and she loves him. She would never admit it openly perhaps, but everyone knows that he means the world to her, and her to him.

I just hate the amount of oogling that goes on for them. It suffocates me, and makes my heart burn. It burns a hole so black and charred, I can't do anything but watch my heart turn into a hard lump of coal, that would shatter with the slightest turbulence. The black ashes will scatter into the wind, and there will be nothing left of me. Since when did I become so cold? No, I always had been cold. I thought that he could shine warmth on me, free me, heal me, save my soul. He did. But he was fooling me. I was just a thrill for him. Having an affair with another male was probably a welcome distraction, deliciously forbidden that the appeal in the relationship was purely the adrenaline. At moments like this I feel a twinge of sympathy for the girl. She's engaged to a bastard. She's no moron herself, she probably knows. But it's always the one that is the cause of the affair, namely me, that gets the blame and full wrath from the victim, her. He'll get off easily. Because to the world, it is I who is tricking him. No blame on him. Figures.

My chest burns with anger. Irritation, annoyance, anger, frustration, violence, hostility, brutality, the need to vent anger. But I can no longer do so. He changed me, and even though I know I mean nothing to him, I can't revert to my old ways, for fear of losing him. But I never did belong to him. He was just stringing me along, he knew, hell, he knows what he means to me. I feel trapped, manipulated, used by him. I hate him and love him at the same time.

I turn my thoughts from him. I should stop this. I should get over it. The building frustration and sadness is killing me slowly. I can't leave him, yet I desire to do so, so strongly.

It's then I turn my thoughts on his other half.

If I amend my thoughts, perhaps Yoh is the other half of Hao. I still can't decide. The two are so different, yet so similar in the same respect. The heavy aura that surrounds them, the ambition, the darkness, the underlying maliciousness. These descriptions of Yoh may not seem fitting. But I've seen it. His cruelty, his malice, his darker essence. The dark looks he gives me. He knows the power he has over me, and he enjoys it. I am eternally indebted to him, and I can never leave him. As much as I would try to quash him from my memory, like the wind he'll set loose and wind around my mind. Smiling the way he does. Is the sunny Yoh the real Yoh, or is the darker one? I can no longer tell. Nor do I care. Things would be so much easier if I could call him a bastard and scream at him for fragmenting me, but I can't. Once I fell for him that was it. I've embraced his being, his essence, him as a whole.

Maybe that's what prods me to turn to Hao.

According to him, Yoh and himself are one. Perhaps that is the escape route for me. I can turn to Hao.

"You're so cruel." His husky voice mingles in the air, hanging heavily around me. I gasp slightly as I feel him behind me. He wraps his arms around my waist and embraces me.
"You read me, didn't you?" I ask. I don't pull away.
"I was curious. You looked so angry." I don't know whether I should be happy that he can tell, that he cares what the hell goes on in my red hazed brain. Or whether I should be angry that he's violated me on the other.
"My offer stands as before." I can't see him for he is behind me, but I can feel the smirk as he nuzzles his face into my neck. "No. I can't. He'll kill you if he found out."
"Oh, you don't want to see your saviour tainted by my blood?" he mocks me. But we know that he doesn't mean what he says. These twins insist on making a toy out of me.
"You now what I mean…" I begin irritably, but am mellowed down as I feel his tongue flick across the crook of my neck.
"No I don't…"
"Bullshit…"
"Say it…"
"…" I can't bring myself to say that I will be shattered if he dies. But that's the truth. I'd be devastated if any one of them fades from my life. I cannot live without the other, but I cannot live with them. What is this confusion.

"Join me." he whispers in my ear. Breaks my train of thought.
"You trying to seduce me?" I ask, somewhat unemotionally. But inside I'm burning. A different kind of fire to when I think about Yoh.
"Don't I always?" He smiles. He hugs me tighter. "You can even think of me as Yoh…I could be his substitute…"

I grimace at the thought. In all honesty it's not as if the idea has not crossed my mind. But those two, are similar, and are one, but are not at the same time. Yoh is Yoh, as much as Hao is Hao. I fell for Yoh, and at that same time, I probably fell for Hao, whom which I knew not of. I wonder if the woman who is all for Yoh shares the same sentiments as me. But the thought of her, who is already Yoh's, expanding to encompass Hao as well, fills me with uncontrollable bitterness. She's meant to be with Yoh, fine. She can have the bastard. I do not mean this, but at the moment, I feel I can cope with this though. But she cannot have Hao.

"You're much more possessive than I though."
"You read me again." I say, somewhat irritated.
"But it's so much fun…you're so vulnerable to me. I can take you anytime I wish, control you, use you."
"You already do." Hao just smiles, but doesn't say anything.

I said before that I thought Yoh and Hao are similar. I also think Hao and I are similar. We share a common background. We've hated the world. We've hated uncontrollably. We've wanted to destroy. We've wanted to abuse the rest of the world. Perhaps he still does. Perhaps I still do. I feel old self reviving at times when I am near him. But maybe that's OK. If I can return to my older self, I can forget Yoh. I'll be free of him. Hao can return me to the then. I wonder why the thought is so appealing.

"But you like it."
"Like what?"
"Coming to me. It still mystifies me as to why you return to him."
"I owe him…"
"Owe him what? Something so important that you let him abuse you psychologically? Something so important that you whore yourself to him?" I wince at the accusation. Yes fine. I do. I let him fuck me. When did I fall so low I wonder. But it makes me feel he wants me when he does. That is enough.
"Why, would you let me take you if it made you feel desired?"
"For the last time…" I never finish my sentence. I am turned around to face him. I see his face for the first time today. He's so close to me all I can see is his face. The face I hate and love. The face that is him, yet not. Smiling serenely softly, but hints to an underlying darkness. I can't tell for a moment whether I'm looking at Yoh or Hao. The words dry up in my throat. Maybe I should just whore myself to him. I couldn't care less.

"That's why you're so cruel." He smiles somewhat sadly, but playfully. The mixture of emotions they can project onto their faces is truly beyond me.

He kisses me. I kiss him. I do not know where I am heading.

------------------------------

Sorry for such an angst trodden fic. A muse really. I can't write humour at the moment (no no, I am still working on the Test of Charms. Just not now.) Just a thing to vent out my frustration at the moment. I share Ren's sentiments, that sometimes I love the character Yoh, but hate him at the same time. My portrayal of Yoh here is just another way I see him. Bu I prefer to see him as the optimistic and fantastic little guy he's meant to be. I guess this darker Yoh is the way I see him in the manga. God, the anime was good…

A Muse of the Bitter, Confused and Eternally Imprisoned. Such a grand title, but nothing much to it. My lame retaliation at the overflow of YohxAnna. No, I am not picking a fight. Bastardisation of Yoh. HaoxRen.