As before I own nothing that I mention here. Please review! And thank you
loads to everyone who did! Thank you so much! Sorry for the wait Coolio
girl.
1 Chapter 3:Two Step, Birth Control
It was 9am in the morning and a very rough looking Legolas arose from his bed and was in the kitchen preparing his daily dosage of a boiled egg and toast soldiers. His hair stuck out like straw, his eyes like two lumps of coal protruding out of his head, his pale green towel dressing gown wrapped around his slim body and a pair of black socks on his feet. He cut his toast into thick strips and lay them out on a saucer, cut the head off his boiled egg and put it, in its egg cup, and placed it on top of a plate. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Legolas gasped in shock then scuttled across his flat to the mirror in his bedroom. Five minutes later his eyes were shining, his hair perfectly shaped, black socks and dressing gown replaced by tracksuit bottoms and an old t-shirt. He opened the door and immediately met the face of…
"Aragorn." He spoke and cocked his head to the side surveying the state he was in.
Aragorn stood looking severely hung over. Shoulders hunched, bloodshot eyes, a forest of stubble on his chin. He kept sighing and holding his head as if in pain and swaying side to side and back and forward towards Legolas.
"Legolush," He rasped with a voice that sounded as if his throat was like sandpaper and his breath reeked of alcohol. Legolas tutted at him and stepped backward as if to invite him in. Aragorn accepted and stumbled over his blonde mate in the process.
"Oi, watch it. Its not like I want you in my house." Legolas snapped then sat back down at his breakfast of toast strips and egg.
"Thish ish no hush! Thish ish tiny next to my hush!" Aragorn laughed and threw himself over the kitchen sink, his head facing downwards.
"You vomit in my sink, you clean it up."
Aragorn leaned against the sink instead and turned round to face him. He then sat down opposite Legolas and started to yap at him.
"At leash I don't put toast soldiers into ranks." He started.
"I don't do that!" Legolas sounded appalled.
"Ok, so you won't mind if I do thush then." He poked at one of the toast soldiers with his finger only almost touching.
"Stop it! You'll upset the colonel." Legolas hugged his saucer towards him and kept one arm as a wall covering it.
Aragorn smirked then thumped his head on the table.
"My head hursh," he grumbled like a selfish toddler.
Legolas raised an eyebrow then dipped his colonel in the egg in front of him. It dribbled over his chin so he had to lean forward to stop it running off onto his tracksuit bottoms.
"What exactly did you do last night?" he asked while battling with his waterfall of runny egg.
"I can't remember…Boromeer left me and I found my way here." Aragorn groaned.
"We have our first rehearsal today and you are hung over? Wonderful. Lets have whiskey to calm our nerves on the night and walk on the stage pissed out of our heads and strip to Im A Little Tea Pot." Legolas, not amused, commented still relentlessly battling with the yellow flow of egg yolk.
"Aragorn…..?" He murmured again. "SWEET JESUS NO!!!!!"
There was a loud "YRCH" and a tall black human danced over to the silver sink and a spray of brown, yellow and was that green? Fell into it changing its colour. Legolas stared in horror then covered his mouth in disgust as Aragorn spun round with dribble running down his chin.
"Legolush…." He started then threw up again projecting it over Legolas.
All that was heard was a high pitched scream echoing throughout the block of flats.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
It then turned to sobbing and screaming.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET VOMIT OUT OF LONG HAIR LIKE THIS?! I WILL SMELL WORSE THAN BOROMIR! OH MUMMY! HELP!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The afternoon, again, was wet and dreary as usual outside, this time, an abandoned old warehouse on the far side of town. It was mostly empty and the only person who saw it was the security guard, a friend of Sam's, who had kindly let him and his group use it as they please. Fortunately, there was a video and TV in the very far side of the huge former factory which now had a makeshift chair in front of it holding a tanned, brown haired, mass watching "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider." Merry and Pippin had found an old football and were having a rematch after Merry's dishonourable defeat the previous day at snap. Meanwhile, Frodo was sitting watching them and looking at an out of date catalogue from the pile that had been left in the warehouse by half awake postmen at 7am in the morning.
Sam walked across the centre floor with a stereo under one arm and a bag of cd's under the other. He was unnoticed by the group as usual and busied himself by getting them all into shape.
"Boromir, stop lusting over Angelina Jolie and get ready would you?" Sam stood and stared at him before turning his attention to Frodo, Merry and Pippin.
"But its coming to the part where we get close ups!" Boromir whinged.
"I don't care if she walked through that door naked and started wiggling about in front me. Now get off your lazy back side and get over here now!" He snapped at Boromir with an icy look, prompting him to get up, switch the TV off, put his DIY seat away but not stop his groaning and muttering.
Pippin, Frodo and Merry stopped what they were doing and rushed over to Sam all smiles and enthusiasm much to the leaders delight. Sam told them to stay put while he went out another door with his stereo and cd's.
"Teacher's pets," Boromir glared at them.
The three friends all stood in fake shock and gasps.
"At least I'm not a pervert," Frodo huffed.
"I'm not lazy." Said Pippin with his arms folded.
"No. You bug the hell outta everyone." Boromir grunted.
"Shut the hell up!"
"And I'm not a sadist with a shit sense of humour." Merry turned away from Boromir joining the others who had done the same.
Just at that moment, the main entrance door was opened and an ashamed looking Aragorn, complete with hands in pockets, head down, along with Legolas who was keeping a distance form him, extremely disgusted and pissy looking entered. Both men made their way to the others where they separated even further apart: Legolas with the three "teacher's pets" according to the Angelina Jolie fan, and Aragorn beside Boromir.
"Shit! What is that smell?" Boromir fanned the air in front of his nose with his hand.
Legolas hmpfed and walked over to the abandoned pile of catalogues while Aragorn grumbled, still with the "naughty child hands in pocket head bowed" look.
"He insisted on putting two different fragrances of air freshener on, pine and strawberry bliss I think, five versions of deodorant and scented hair wax/hairspray." Aragorn mumbled to the rest of his mates.
"Why?" Merry asked.
"Is he having bladder problems?" Pippin shouted. "Me dad has that. His doctor is good. I could refer him to Legolas if you want."
"No. Neither." Aragorn said quietly.
"Has he got the runs?" Frodo piped up still on the thought of Pippin's suggestion.
"No." Aragorn slurred again.
"What the f…" Boromir in full swing of pissed off mode began.
"I vomited in his sink then all over him!" Aragorn yelled then went scarlet and back to "Naughty…etc" look.
A chorus of "Ewwww…", "Yuck" and "Dumb poofter served him right!" (Noticeably only chorused from Boromir)" spun around poor Aragorn's ears beneath his hang over hair.
"Ok! Come on people! Lets get moving!" Sam shouted as he entered the room wearing bright red trainers under his suit trousers accompanied with tie and shirt. Music began to pump out of nowhere, shocking everyone into movement. The activity only lasted roughly two seconds disappointing their dance coach extremely. His pupils took defensive stances, stood their ground and stared at Sam. He sighed then decided to move onto something else.
"Fine then. Lets see what we look like." The teacher pointed at their clothes hinting to strip.
The group stared in disbelief and shock.
"You have got to be joking?" Frodo said, choking in the process.
"Your gonna have to do it on the night." Sam replied monotonously.
The music continued to blare out of the invisible speakers and Legolas was on the centre floor spinning, twirling, and dancing to himself. The others continued to squabble until they noticed him floating around the room.
"Oh that is lovely Legolas!" Sam clapped his hands together and brought them up to his chin, eyes glazed with delight.
"I'm not stripping in front of him!!" Boromir grunted. "Who knows what he is thinking!"
Aragorn mumbled quietly in agreement and the hobbits shuffled their feet.
Suddenly, a quite overweight woman appeared through the door storming over to them and very mad looking.
"Arwen!" Aragorn gasped.
Arwen stood and stared at her husband frigidly and then at Boromir. He cringed and hid behind the badly behaved husband.
"Where were you last night?" She bellowed. "Leaving me alone with the two kids. Alone in front of the TV. Alone at 2am in the morning waiting on you to come home! Have you no respect for me? Do you even bloody care?!"
"Arwen….Now's not the time to discuss this love…" Aragorn quivered nervously.
"OK. I'll wait for you." She smiled sadistically.
"Arwen why don't you and Legolas go into the back room and wait hmm?" Sam grinned at her in fake happiness. "There's coffee and doughnuts." He added, noticing her weight.
The young blonde and heavy weight mad housewife went away mostly to the groups pleasure. They then continued to try and learn a decent dance routine. Facing the perils of falling on their arses, tripping and not spinning their hips.
"Boromir would you move!! You're like a statue! Two step….One, two, three, one…."
"I'm bloody trying! Frodo is in me way!"
"Don't blame me just because your talent less!"
"My fist has talent in the plastic surgery department!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Arwen sat on a large beanbag flicking through Sam's collection of cd's. "Hot Chocolate: The Greatest Hits", "The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And various other soundtracks and compilations. Unexpectedly, a sharp pain hit her abdomen area and she wet herself.
"Legolas! Get your ass in here NOW!!!!" She screamed.
"There's no need to shout I'm sitting beside you." He whimpered.
"My waters have broken!"
"Oh gross! You wet yourself? Get some bladder control woman!" He scrunched up his nose and backed off.
Arwen thrust a clenched fist forward and grasped Legolas's throat and brought him towards her. Then in a demonic, breathless voice she hissed at him,
"I'm giving birth you dick! Do something!"
Legolas squealed. He was clueless. He didn't know how to deliver pizza yet alone babies. He was never going to be in this situation in his lifetime or so he thought until now. Oh sweet bliss. First whiskey- flavoured vomit now mucus and blood. Sob. Hours passed and the group outside were oblivious to Arwen's screams and Legolas's sobs.
"Hold my hand….! HOLD MY HAND!!!!!" Arwen yelled and shattered the bones in her assistants hand. "It's coming! It's coming! Check is the head coming out?!"
"You're asking the wrong guy!"
"Don't patronise me!"
Legolas gulped and lifted her maternity dress. There it was. A sphere circle thing with a head of black hair.
"Is it there?!" Arwen roared. "IS IT THERE?!!!"
"Its there, its there!" A blubber was her answer.
"Ease it out." The deliverer tried to do her breathing exercises. Her new unqualified nurse sniffed in the form of a squeak and looked at her.
"Say what?"
"EASE IT OUT FOR FUCK SAKE!"
"All my lube is at home!"
"PUT YOUR HAND TO ITS HEAD AND GENTLY PULL!"
He did so and soon there was a little cry from the new born. Arwen told him what to do and in no time the baby was in her arms, gently sucking milk from her breast. Shortly after the placenta was delivered and just as it came out the trainee dancers entered along with their coach to find an extremely weird sight. Arwen was feeding her new born baby while Legolas was sitting white as a sheet staring with his head to the side, mouth open and a mass of the afterbirth and the blood on his knees.
"I thought she was just a fat bitch! Not pregnant!" Boromir cried and came in closer to inspect the scene. Merry ran off to phone an ambulance while Frodo covered his mouth and felt sick at the gunk on fly catcher mouth Legolas. Aragorn sat beside Arwen and cooed over the baby until she realized who it was and gave him a firm left hook to his face.
"Thank you, Legolas." Arwen smiled sincerely at him while being took away on an emergency bed. Frodo and Sam stood beneath his armpits supporting him as he was still open mouthed and sick looking. The ambulance drove away, leaving Aragorn with a bloody nose and an ice pack for comfort. Pippin, Merry, Boromir and he looked at the motionless gob smacked Legolas. Boromir approached carefully and looked him in the eye.
"Are you ok?" He asked suspiciously.
"M-M-Mucus……V-V-Vomit……B-B-Blood…" Leggy gibbered, his mouth shaking like a leaf in the wind. Boromir spun round, coming to his own conclusion.
"He's fine."
Sorry for the wait everyone! I've been renewing my addiction to Tekken 3 on the playstation. Again, thank you for the reviews and if there's anything you would like put into the story just say and I'll consider putting it in. Thanx for reading. Please review xxx.
1 Chapter 3:Two Step, Birth Control
It was 9am in the morning and a very rough looking Legolas arose from his bed and was in the kitchen preparing his daily dosage of a boiled egg and toast soldiers. His hair stuck out like straw, his eyes like two lumps of coal protruding out of his head, his pale green towel dressing gown wrapped around his slim body and a pair of black socks on his feet. He cut his toast into thick strips and lay them out on a saucer, cut the head off his boiled egg and put it, in its egg cup, and placed it on top of a plate. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Legolas gasped in shock then scuttled across his flat to the mirror in his bedroom. Five minutes later his eyes were shining, his hair perfectly shaped, black socks and dressing gown replaced by tracksuit bottoms and an old t-shirt. He opened the door and immediately met the face of…
"Aragorn." He spoke and cocked his head to the side surveying the state he was in.
Aragorn stood looking severely hung over. Shoulders hunched, bloodshot eyes, a forest of stubble on his chin. He kept sighing and holding his head as if in pain and swaying side to side and back and forward towards Legolas.
"Legolush," He rasped with a voice that sounded as if his throat was like sandpaper and his breath reeked of alcohol. Legolas tutted at him and stepped backward as if to invite him in. Aragorn accepted and stumbled over his blonde mate in the process.
"Oi, watch it. Its not like I want you in my house." Legolas snapped then sat back down at his breakfast of toast strips and egg.
"Thish ish no hush! Thish ish tiny next to my hush!" Aragorn laughed and threw himself over the kitchen sink, his head facing downwards.
"You vomit in my sink, you clean it up."
Aragorn leaned against the sink instead and turned round to face him. He then sat down opposite Legolas and started to yap at him.
"At leash I don't put toast soldiers into ranks." He started.
"I don't do that!" Legolas sounded appalled.
"Ok, so you won't mind if I do thush then." He poked at one of the toast soldiers with his finger only almost touching.
"Stop it! You'll upset the colonel." Legolas hugged his saucer towards him and kept one arm as a wall covering it.
Aragorn smirked then thumped his head on the table.
"My head hursh," he grumbled like a selfish toddler.
Legolas raised an eyebrow then dipped his colonel in the egg in front of him. It dribbled over his chin so he had to lean forward to stop it running off onto his tracksuit bottoms.
"What exactly did you do last night?" he asked while battling with his waterfall of runny egg.
"I can't remember…Boromeer left me and I found my way here." Aragorn groaned.
"We have our first rehearsal today and you are hung over? Wonderful. Lets have whiskey to calm our nerves on the night and walk on the stage pissed out of our heads and strip to Im A Little Tea Pot." Legolas, not amused, commented still relentlessly battling with the yellow flow of egg yolk.
"Aragorn…..?" He murmured again. "SWEET JESUS NO!!!!!"
There was a loud "YRCH" and a tall black human danced over to the silver sink and a spray of brown, yellow and was that green? Fell into it changing its colour. Legolas stared in horror then covered his mouth in disgust as Aragorn spun round with dribble running down his chin.
"Legolush…." He started then threw up again projecting it over Legolas.
All that was heard was a high pitched scream echoing throughout the block of flats.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
It then turned to sobbing and screaming.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET VOMIT OUT OF LONG HAIR LIKE THIS?! I WILL SMELL WORSE THAN BOROMIR! OH MUMMY! HELP!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The afternoon, again, was wet and dreary as usual outside, this time, an abandoned old warehouse on the far side of town. It was mostly empty and the only person who saw it was the security guard, a friend of Sam's, who had kindly let him and his group use it as they please. Fortunately, there was a video and TV in the very far side of the huge former factory which now had a makeshift chair in front of it holding a tanned, brown haired, mass watching "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider." Merry and Pippin had found an old football and were having a rematch after Merry's dishonourable defeat the previous day at snap. Meanwhile, Frodo was sitting watching them and looking at an out of date catalogue from the pile that had been left in the warehouse by half awake postmen at 7am in the morning.
Sam walked across the centre floor with a stereo under one arm and a bag of cd's under the other. He was unnoticed by the group as usual and busied himself by getting them all into shape.
"Boromir, stop lusting over Angelina Jolie and get ready would you?" Sam stood and stared at him before turning his attention to Frodo, Merry and Pippin.
"But its coming to the part where we get close ups!" Boromir whinged.
"I don't care if she walked through that door naked and started wiggling about in front me. Now get off your lazy back side and get over here now!" He snapped at Boromir with an icy look, prompting him to get up, switch the TV off, put his DIY seat away but not stop his groaning and muttering.
Pippin, Frodo and Merry stopped what they were doing and rushed over to Sam all smiles and enthusiasm much to the leaders delight. Sam told them to stay put while he went out another door with his stereo and cd's.
"Teacher's pets," Boromir glared at them.
The three friends all stood in fake shock and gasps.
"At least I'm not a pervert," Frodo huffed.
"I'm not lazy." Said Pippin with his arms folded.
"No. You bug the hell outta everyone." Boromir grunted.
"Shut the hell up!"
"And I'm not a sadist with a shit sense of humour." Merry turned away from Boromir joining the others who had done the same.
Just at that moment, the main entrance door was opened and an ashamed looking Aragorn, complete with hands in pockets, head down, along with Legolas who was keeping a distance form him, extremely disgusted and pissy looking entered. Both men made their way to the others where they separated even further apart: Legolas with the three "teacher's pets" according to the Angelina Jolie fan, and Aragorn beside Boromir.
"Shit! What is that smell?" Boromir fanned the air in front of his nose with his hand.
Legolas hmpfed and walked over to the abandoned pile of catalogues while Aragorn grumbled, still with the "naughty child hands in pocket head bowed" look.
"He insisted on putting two different fragrances of air freshener on, pine and strawberry bliss I think, five versions of deodorant and scented hair wax/hairspray." Aragorn mumbled to the rest of his mates.
"Why?" Merry asked.
"Is he having bladder problems?" Pippin shouted. "Me dad has that. His doctor is good. I could refer him to Legolas if you want."
"No. Neither." Aragorn said quietly.
"Has he got the runs?" Frodo piped up still on the thought of Pippin's suggestion.
"No." Aragorn slurred again.
"What the f…" Boromir in full swing of pissed off mode began.
"I vomited in his sink then all over him!" Aragorn yelled then went scarlet and back to "Naughty…etc" look.
A chorus of "Ewwww…", "Yuck" and "Dumb poofter served him right!" (Noticeably only chorused from Boromir)" spun around poor Aragorn's ears beneath his hang over hair.
"Ok! Come on people! Lets get moving!" Sam shouted as he entered the room wearing bright red trainers under his suit trousers accompanied with tie and shirt. Music began to pump out of nowhere, shocking everyone into movement. The activity only lasted roughly two seconds disappointing their dance coach extremely. His pupils took defensive stances, stood their ground and stared at Sam. He sighed then decided to move onto something else.
"Fine then. Lets see what we look like." The teacher pointed at their clothes hinting to strip.
The group stared in disbelief and shock.
"You have got to be joking?" Frodo said, choking in the process.
"Your gonna have to do it on the night." Sam replied monotonously.
The music continued to blare out of the invisible speakers and Legolas was on the centre floor spinning, twirling, and dancing to himself. The others continued to squabble until they noticed him floating around the room.
"Oh that is lovely Legolas!" Sam clapped his hands together and brought them up to his chin, eyes glazed with delight.
"I'm not stripping in front of him!!" Boromir grunted. "Who knows what he is thinking!"
Aragorn mumbled quietly in agreement and the hobbits shuffled their feet.
Suddenly, a quite overweight woman appeared through the door storming over to them and very mad looking.
"Arwen!" Aragorn gasped.
Arwen stood and stared at her husband frigidly and then at Boromir. He cringed and hid behind the badly behaved husband.
"Where were you last night?" She bellowed. "Leaving me alone with the two kids. Alone in front of the TV. Alone at 2am in the morning waiting on you to come home! Have you no respect for me? Do you even bloody care?!"
"Arwen….Now's not the time to discuss this love…" Aragorn quivered nervously.
"OK. I'll wait for you." She smiled sadistically.
"Arwen why don't you and Legolas go into the back room and wait hmm?" Sam grinned at her in fake happiness. "There's coffee and doughnuts." He added, noticing her weight.
The young blonde and heavy weight mad housewife went away mostly to the groups pleasure. They then continued to try and learn a decent dance routine. Facing the perils of falling on their arses, tripping and not spinning their hips.
"Boromir would you move!! You're like a statue! Two step….One, two, three, one…."
"I'm bloody trying! Frodo is in me way!"
"Don't blame me just because your talent less!"
"My fist has talent in the plastic surgery department!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Arwen sat on a large beanbag flicking through Sam's collection of cd's. "Hot Chocolate: The Greatest Hits", "The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And various other soundtracks and compilations. Unexpectedly, a sharp pain hit her abdomen area and she wet herself.
"Legolas! Get your ass in here NOW!!!!" She screamed.
"There's no need to shout I'm sitting beside you." He whimpered.
"My waters have broken!"
"Oh gross! You wet yourself? Get some bladder control woman!" He scrunched up his nose and backed off.
Arwen thrust a clenched fist forward and grasped Legolas's throat and brought him towards her. Then in a demonic, breathless voice she hissed at him,
"I'm giving birth you dick! Do something!"
Legolas squealed. He was clueless. He didn't know how to deliver pizza yet alone babies. He was never going to be in this situation in his lifetime or so he thought until now. Oh sweet bliss. First whiskey- flavoured vomit now mucus and blood. Sob. Hours passed and the group outside were oblivious to Arwen's screams and Legolas's sobs.
"Hold my hand….! HOLD MY HAND!!!!!" Arwen yelled and shattered the bones in her assistants hand. "It's coming! It's coming! Check is the head coming out?!"
"You're asking the wrong guy!"
"Don't patronise me!"
Legolas gulped and lifted her maternity dress. There it was. A sphere circle thing with a head of black hair.
"Is it there?!" Arwen roared. "IS IT THERE?!!!"
"Its there, its there!" A blubber was her answer.
"Ease it out." The deliverer tried to do her breathing exercises. Her new unqualified nurse sniffed in the form of a squeak and looked at her.
"Say what?"
"EASE IT OUT FOR FUCK SAKE!"
"All my lube is at home!"
"PUT YOUR HAND TO ITS HEAD AND GENTLY PULL!"
He did so and soon there was a little cry from the new born. Arwen told him what to do and in no time the baby was in her arms, gently sucking milk from her breast. Shortly after the placenta was delivered and just as it came out the trainee dancers entered along with their coach to find an extremely weird sight. Arwen was feeding her new born baby while Legolas was sitting white as a sheet staring with his head to the side, mouth open and a mass of the afterbirth and the blood on his knees.
"I thought she was just a fat bitch! Not pregnant!" Boromir cried and came in closer to inspect the scene. Merry ran off to phone an ambulance while Frodo covered his mouth and felt sick at the gunk on fly catcher mouth Legolas. Aragorn sat beside Arwen and cooed over the baby until she realized who it was and gave him a firm left hook to his face.
"Thank you, Legolas." Arwen smiled sincerely at him while being took away on an emergency bed. Frodo and Sam stood beneath his armpits supporting him as he was still open mouthed and sick looking. The ambulance drove away, leaving Aragorn with a bloody nose and an ice pack for comfort. Pippin, Merry, Boromir and he looked at the motionless gob smacked Legolas. Boromir approached carefully and looked him in the eye.
"Are you ok?" He asked suspiciously.
"M-M-Mucus……V-V-Vomit……B-B-Blood…" Leggy gibbered, his mouth shaking like a leaf in the wind. Boromir spun round, coming to his own conclusion.
"He's fine."
Sorry for the wait everyone! I've been renewing my addiction to Tekken 3 on the playstation. Again, thank you for the reviews and if there's anything you would like put into the story just say and I'll consider putting it in. Thanx for reading. Please review xxx.