Hello everyone. Yeah I know long wait and whatever…So I might as well continue it as no one replied to my question but I will or might quit after this so tell me what you think. Please review please. It will be very much appreciated.
Chapter 4:- Corruption, Filth and Nudity.
The sun shone brightly through the paisley curtains which were hanging haphazardly over a beaten pine curtain rail. It crept across the brown floor to a double bed in the middle of the room which held too very still bodies, very much asleep. Littered on the floor were clothes and bag was in a dark corner while a desk straight in front of the bed held stacks of sheets, all blank, which the owner liked to call "work". One of the bodies in the bed shuffled and swerved to face the other occupant. The alarm clock on the work table then screamed out half hearted beeps to wake the owner up.
"Wakey wakey sleepy head," the half-awake body poked the other, then opened his mouth and yawned, blowing air over the corpse.
"Ugh. You stink and so does your breath. Do you ever wash you pig?" A voice squeaked from under the covers.
"Oh shut up."
"No you shut up."
"Don't start with me Legolas. You can't win." The other said while the attacker tutted.
"I don't expect to win. How can I win when the whiff you give off would kill everyone within a 50 mile radius? Can you not sleep still either at night? You shuffle about more than a 15 year old boy alone in his room under his bedclothes." Legolas snapped back, propping himself up against the bed head.
"I do not stink." Legolas's opponent huffed.
"Faramir is a shithead." Legolas sat and mumbled to himself. "Has quite a ring to it too…"
"Shut it Legolas unless you want your reputation ruined." Faramir clenched his fists and bit his lip.
"I have a reputation?" Was his confused answer.
"You don't want your, ahem, bed hair situation to get public do you?" Faramir smirked.
"Everyone gets bed hair in the mornings…"
"You cast off more hair than a dog does as well as looking like one."
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!" Leggy erupted.
"Flat you mean.."
* * * * * * * * *
As always the job centre was quiet, peaceful and wet from the rain outside which always seemed to be falling and never seemed to stop. The impending judgement day loomed above Aragorn's soggy haired head. He slouched over a table, while the steam off his tea condensed on his face. Pippin merrily banged every saucepan available in the kitchen so that an out of tune din echoed throughout the room. Merry sat, engrossed in his newspaper while Sam and Frodo arrived, wet as always, through the door. Boromir had left to go to the toilet, although that was quite a while ago and Aragorn was beginning to think that he had got lost or stuck. Either that or he had some problem Aragorn did not want to think about at all.
"Right," Sam announced, while stepping up onto the coffee table in front of Merry.
No one noticed or moved.
"Since our performance is this Saturday then I thought we could benefit from a few bonding exercises and quality time together." Sam continued to speak to the room of the dead. Just at that moment, Boromir had crawled out of the toilet and rejoined the zombies.
"Bondage?" he grunted and raised an eyebrow at Sam.
The hobbit in question tutted and replied "Bonding exercises, working as a team. Getting to know each other."
"I'm not into that Sam. Go find Legolas if you want that kind of thing. He's all into that "getting to know men" thingy." Boromir sat down next to Aragorn, who's face was now dripping from the steam off his tea and sat in a world of his own until Boromir tapped him on the elbow with his two fingers back to planet Earth.
A bang startled all the lethargic occupants of the room and they all stared around them, confused, as Legolas strutted towards them. His face looked as if a wasp had stung him in his mouth and he swiftly sat down beside Aragorn and Boromir and banged his folded arms loudly onto the table.
"How would you like to go camping everyone?" Sam chirped, trying to sound cheerful.
Aragorn's forehead hit his mug, splashing tea over the table, burning Boromir's fingers. Legolas's face turned a sudden shade of white, Pippin stopped "drumming" and Merry's head raised from his reading.
"I do not leave my house without my moisturiser. I do not associate with bugs, its bad enough I had to draw the line at Boromir." Legolas snapped. "Never!"
Pippin laughed and muttered "Aye" through his laughter. Merry just grunted. Boromir glared at Legolas and growled. Aragorn had seemed to slip into a tea coma.
"Its settled then. I'll supply the rucksacks and everything you guys meet me here at 7pm. Tonight." Sam said menacingly. The room groaned and someone was heard to mutter "He can kiss my ass before I leave without my maybelline."
* * * * * * * * *
Time passed on and on as the friends clambered on and on. Backpacks strapped to their backs, coats on, some carrying lamps, others nothing. The sky was grey, yet another burst of rain waiting to downpour upon them again. Stones littered the pathway and to make things worse it was cold. VERY cold.
"My feet hurt. I'm cold and I want to go home." Legolas whinged while stopping again for the sixth time.
"For Christ's sake, we haven't even reached the bus stop in town yet and already you're whinging!" Sam yapped angrily.
"He's right. His feet do hurt, and so do mine." Pippin squeaked beneath his heavy load.
"Can we please get to the bus station?!" Sam snarled.
And so the journey continued. Through treacherous bus stops and pavements until they reached the National Trust protected Silverwood and proceeded to trek through it until nightfall…
"Oh my frickin' God! What the fuck is that?!!" A voice echoed though the dark as an owl hooted in the background.
"Legolas get off me!" Aragorn shouted.
"What?"
"Your hands are trying to amputate my shoulder!"
"Sorry.."
"I'm sure…"
"But what is it though?!" Legolas continued to whimper like a seven year old.
"Does it matter?" Aragorn grimaced.
"Its something bad isn't it? That's why you're not telling me. You think a petty little guy like me can't take the truth! Well I have got news for you mister! I CAN. You hear that? I can! I'm not the wimpy, typical blond haired, whinging…"
"Its an owl, Legolas." Aragorn interrupted.
"What the frig is an owl?!" Legolas shrieked. "I promised myself I wouldn't die before my mummy! I'm sorry mummy…" Legolas continued to wail on about how he had promised his mother he wouldn't do anything stupid, get a good job, but had pointed out that he couldn't have kids because he didn't have ovaries and various other things. Until Aragorn pointed to the tree containing the monstrosity which was called a "friggin' owl" and explained that it was harmless to everyone apart from its dinner. Which then prompted Legolas to go to pieces again about how they were its dinner and that they were going to die for a second time that night. Aragorn then had to lie to his hysterical friend that owls were "vegetarians", triggering Legolas to offer the owl a lettuce leaf from his salad sandwiches for about twenty minutes.
Finally, they walked on, the killer owl still hooting in the background, the stars sparkling in the sky, the moon glowing, a fox was barking…
"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!" Legolas squawked again. He flung his arms around Aragorn and clung to him for a second time.
"What now?!"
"My foots stuck! Make it stop! Make it stop!" He sobbed.
"I would but I would like to know where is the rest of the group?"
"I'm gonna die. Oh mummy…"
"…"
* * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, Aragorn and Legolas's comrades had journeyed on, oblivious to their two missing "happy campers". They all found a clearing and started to camp for the night and after an hour of cursing, hammer and foot injuries and a number of collapsed tents later, they all settled around a lamp and fire eating baked beans. Although for Frodo, it was unusually quiet.
"Where are Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir?" he quipped quietly to the others.
They all looked blank while the deep colours of the fire reflected on their faces.
Pippin played with his beans, scooping them onto a spoon then letting them fall back down into the tin, Merry pursed his lips and looked in every direction apart from Frodo's and Sam sat and talked inwardly to himself.
"I don't know." Merry said with tension in his voice.
"Have no clue…" Sam spoke his mind.
"Legolas stopped squealing like a girl about an hour ago so he must be dead now. Poor Aragorn is with him. Boromir went to the toilet and hasn't came back yet." Pippin piped up grinning at his baked bean "Leaning Tower of Pisa".
"Boromir has a problem with that lately…" Frodo began but stopped midway.
Once again, the whole group looked blank apart from Pippin who sustained to be amused by his D-I-Y baked bean tower.
"We can't look for them now," Sam started. "Its too dark and we are all tired. We will look for them in the morning. Night everyone. Remember, up early."
Everyone proceeded to go to bed and at the other end of the woods…..
* * * * * * * * *
Aragorn struggled with the tent. It just refused to be opened put up and provide accommodation for him and the now very shaking Legolas. After 15 minutes of lone war with the rebellious fiend of a tent, he tended to the fire when suddenly Legolas let out an absent-minded yelp. He turned to find his friend pointed with an unsteady finger at a bush.
"What is it Legolas?" He asked worriedly.
"T…T…T…" Leggy stuttered.
"Tea? You want some tea?" Aragorn reached for the teabags.
"Th…Th…Th…Th.." He continued to stutter and point.
"What the hell?" Aragorn got frustrated and confused at the same time.
"Thing! Ugly thing! In b-b-b-bush!" Legolas finally cried out.
Out came the "ugly thing in the b-b-b-bush", which did not look like a very happy "ugly thing in the b-b-b-bush". It grunted and slammed its backpack to the ground scowling at the mentally disturbed blonde thing in the corner.
"Who is he calling an ugly thing in the bush?" Aragorn was relieved to learn that it was Boromir. " Stupid poofy ass pirate. Has some oxygen actually got to his brain or what?" Boromir became wary and a bit scared, even though he did not admit it.
"He's not used to the great outdoors." Aragorn answered while looked dejectedly at Legolas. This was cruel. He was indeed suffering and scared out of his mind.
"What made him that way? Did he step in shit or something?" Boromir still puzzled questioned everything.
"He didn't know what an owl was and thought it was going to eat us for dinner. He then got his foot caught in a tree stump. Then we met a badger, who Legolas thought was a "cute little doggie woggie" and tried to pet it. Hence me being, ahem bit." He uttered the last sentence with a hushed whisper.
"In the balls!" Legolas rocked back and forward.
"I thought you were scared shitless and disturbed?!" Aragorn shouted.
Legolas gibbered. Boromir and Aragorn then sat by the fire and continued to speak to each other with Boromir explaining how he got separated from the hobbits. He had left to go to the toilet and had left for quite a while. He then returned to find that they had gone.
"You have a problem," Aragorn said to his mate.
"What?" Boromir mumbled.
"You know," Aragorn nudged him, raised an eyebrow and cocked his head downwards.
Boromir grumbled and looked around him miserably. Changing the subject he nodded at Legolas and asked, "What we going to do with him?"
Aragorn shook his head helplessly. "Lets just get some sleep and see what happens…"
The night passed slowly and unusually quietly seeing as Legolas had become disturbed. Aragorn and Boromir had been paranoid about giving him a tent of his own but decided it was best. They woke up in the morning to find that Legolas was gone without food, water, or even his maybelline make up.
Boromir stood with his black haired companion open mouthed.
"Oh my God…"Aragorn uttered while they still stood together, mouths apt flycatchers. "He left without his damned maybelline!!!" He fell to his knees in front of the fire and began to beat the ground with his fists, one at a time and sometimes together.
" His face is naked! The horror, the frickin' horror! Think of the children! Will someone one think of the bloody children!!!"
What will become of the show? Did Pippin's Leaning Tower Of Pisa survive the night? Will Boromir's digestive problems clear up or get worse? And where is Legolas? Has he been killed by a herd of killer ducklings or have owls abducted him and have they had him for din dins? Find out in the next chapter! Which will come soon as I have time again for writing! Hurray? Pleaseeeeee review. And thank you to everyone who did and I'm sorry for the wait! Also watch out for a brand new fan fiction. Coming soon. * shock horror *
XxXx
LuLu