Well, long time no see. Final chapter now. Thanks for reviews everyone J That goes to everyone who reads my Spirit:-For The Love Of Haldir fic too! Thankies! XxXx.
The Full Monty
Chapter 5:- Page 3 Idol, Toilet Water, The Final Countdown
The job centre was desolate as usual, desolate in the way of brains. Boromir and Aragorn had become invisible for the past few days, Boromir not even seen in the pub with his usual 15 pints downed nor his mate glued to Space Invaders attacking anyone who blinked at his precious machine let alone touch it.
Pippin sat at the coffee table, head perched on his folded arms staring intensely in front of him which meant he was boring his eyes into Legolas's purple top clad stomach with the slogan "Little Black Cat" glittering back at Pippin and a small black cat with irregular sized eyes having rice crispie bun crumbs spilt over it. The blonde elf sat opposite, nibbling on his sweet cakes and sipping lemon tea, every so often cringing because of a replaced tooth, knocked out by a fall after drinking a bit too much "lemonade" and falling 3 metres past his bed instead of into it Legolas winced at the thought. Frodo was comfortable enough sitting at the other end of the table reading The Sun or rather "Hagar The Horrible". Finally after an aching silence, Pippin sat up with his eyes wide open.
"Why IS my toilet water blue?" He piped up with an extremely confused look on his face. Legolas raised his head and Frodo hmpfed.
"Pardon?" Leggy asked just as confused.
"Why is my toilet water blue?" Pippin muttered an answer.
"Oh well that's simple." The elf grinned, feeling smart for once. "Because water IS blue."
Just at that point, Frodo stopped hmpfing and stared in disgust at Legolas. He then slowly spoke.
"No it isn't Legolas. Water is clear." He stopped reading "Hagar…." And reached for a cookie. Legolas's jaw dropped and a loud tut was emitted from his mouth.
"No it is not. It is blue!" He huffed and folded his arms, covering the kitty on his shirt.
"Water is clear Legolas, go and run the kitchen tap if you don't believe me." Frodo glared at him.
"Why is water always blue in pictures then? And in paintings? And on TV? And in cartoons? And in Pippin's toilet then?" The frustrated elf was enraged at Frodo for making him feel stupider than he already was.
"Because Pippin probably has a blue toilet air freshener in his toilet and it makes the water blue." The hobbit munched on his chocolate chip cookie and watched Legolas squirm. A loud "Ohhhhhh" hit his ears from the blonde sitting at the table. Frodo smiled in satisfaction, Pippin was confused no more and Legolas knew that water was not blue. But Leggy then posed another question…
"I didn't know the sea and stuff was a toilet. So who puts the big blue toilet freshener in them then?"
Frodo sighed.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Hair? What about hair?"
It was D-DAY. The day Aragorn and Boromir had dreaded. Had nightmares about. Or at least Boromir did. Now Legolas was asking what way to wear their hair or quite rightfully, HIS hair tonight in the big show.
"You have no inhibitions what so ever, do you?" Boromir growled at him. The strain was starting to show. Legolas blinked at him, flicked his shimmering hair behind his ears and put one hand on his hip, all done with his now copyrighted pout.
"I don't know what your problem is," The elven prince glared, with a worrying shriek in his voice. "But I'm not going on that stage with my hair hanging round me like a bloody dog."
Boromir sat and puffed on his cigarette. "That's not too hard fairy prince, you already look like one. I've heard Yorkshire terriers with deeper voices than the one you 'ave. Bog off poofter." At this moment, Aragorn glided over, armed with two pints and The Sun under his arm. He gave Legolas a glance, quickly scanning for any sign of distress then sighed with the knowledge that he was going to whinge.
"My hair will be the best looking thing up there!" Leggy folded his arms and scrunched up his nose.
"Not to mention the longest," a deep voice boomed from behind. Aragorn and Boromir, who were deeply engrossed in the Page 3 Idol contest looked up in horror at Legolas' new found man voice.
"Bloody hell!" Boromir almost spilt his pint but unfortunately he saved it but not Aragorn from getting a cigarette end in the face.
"AHH YE BASTARD!" Legolas' man voice bellowed with laughter until a brown haired figure came out from behind and rested a hand on the prince's shoulder.
"Faramir," Boromir grumbled inaudibly.
"Hello brother." Faramir pretended to tip an invisible hat. Leggy giggled. Aragorn raised an eyebrow and caught on to the situation.
"Oh no. Oh no. Oh God no…."He held a hand to his aching forehead. Boromir sat unawares. The table was silent. "3…2….1…"
Blank.
"What are doing with my brother you poofy ass pirate!?" Boromir yelled in a rage, this time successfully spilling his pint, this time successfully over poor Aragorn.
Legolas took a step back and turned to walk out the door, his glittery blue jeans sparkling under the dim lights in the pub with Faramir trailing after him like a puppy. "See you tonight. I look forward to it." He smirked.
"He's with my brother."
Aragorn nodded.
"You knew?"
Aragorn shook his head.
"He's drugged him. The Mafia's threatenin' him…."
Aragorn sighed.
"THAT'S IT! HE'S HYPNOTISED HIM! THE BUGGER. I'LL KILL HIM AND STRING HIM UP WITH HIS PRECIOUS BLOODY HAIR!"
The former king of Gondor looked worriedly at his friend but gave up on sympathy and went straight on to shame, holding his head in his hands.
"WARGH!" Boromir erupted and thrust himself out the door. Forgetting about Aragorn, now sitting, his eyes huge and his face bright red all by his lonesome lonesome self, more so than the time Arwen found out she was having another kid….He shuddered.
Forgetting about his pint.
Forgetting Page 3 Idol.
* * * * * * * * * *
"I swear to God Aragorn, he has the Mafia threatenin' him or summit." Boromir spoke with disgust while they sat in the Job Club, which was freezing cold at the minute due to Merry who, whilst playing football with Pippin had kicked the ball, against the pipe on the wall, crushed it so the water had to be turned off completely as well as the heating for safety reasons. He had conveniently disappeared.
The two best friends were sitting uncomfortably on the settee opposite the two star struck lovers or as Boromir called it…Aragorn thought was unmentionable. Baby talk wasn't swarming around the room but it was loud enough for both of the, ahem, 'macho men' to hear. They poked each other. They hugged each other. They kissed each other on the cheek. Boromir clenched his mouth shut. Boromir bit his tongue. Boromir said "Son of a…".
Aragorn sat quietly, feeling as if he was part of the UN Peacekeepers as this could turn into World War Three or a more likely conclusion could be a bloodbath courtesy of Boromir and a shotgun/his own hands. Both of them had sat here for two hours, without budging and without hardly speaking at all, unless various insults were counted as conversation. Until now.
Legolas giggled, casting his azure eyes in Boromir's direction every so often and now he had just burst into hysterical laughter, as if he had been told something no one else knew. Seizing the opportunity, he placed a very passionate kiss upon Faramir's lips without looking back, provoking Aragorn to leave the couch and to seek refuge in the kitchen with Pippin who was baking hot chocolate, how? Aragorn didn't know. He also didn't care.
Boromir lifted himself up and stood proud and tall. Glaring with a fiery rage behind his eyes at both of them.
"RIGHT. That's it. I've had enough of this bullshit now get out! You have a job you divvy twat so. OFF-YE-GO." Legolas sat in mock shock, his mouth hung over dramatically open and he positioned his eyes straight through the insulting man's face again. Slowly, he too rose up and stood face to face with his well known enemy, sneering at him.
"I know about you." He grinned, fluttering his eyelashes. Boromir gulped.
"Know what?"
"I know."
Boromir squeaked quietly. He wrung his hands and looked at his brother, then tried to keep his composure.
"There's knotting' the know." He swallowed loudly, swaying slightly.
Leggy raised a sceptical blonde eyebrow.
"Oh really? Then if I was to say.." He leaned forward and whispered in his ear.
There was a prolonged silence.
"Goodbye."
Boromir walked off and out of the Job Club door.
Again, Aragorn was left but not alone. He was in the company of Pippin.
"This is fun!" He laughed and clapped his hands together. Pippin grinned.
"Tis ain't it? I told ye, ye could bake it but nay nun of ye would listen the Pippin."
* * * * * * * * * * *
I shall keep you in suspense for the big night J Please review! I haven't updated in ages because I have been writing Spirit…Thank you J.