The Full Monty
Chapter 6 :- Thou Sayeth Digestives
Aragorn stood rigidly at the purple front door as Legolas scuttled over to the kitchen bench and up the stairs. Boromir scuffed his feet on the pine floor and ran around, investigating the situation like a kitten. Before the elf completely exited upstairs he brought a finger to point in their general direction and mouthing to them.
"Don't touch those there Haldir's." His red woollen jumper clad arm motioned towards the tube of chocolate digestives on the marble bar in the glowing cuisine. A giant thump was heard upstairs followed by a flurry of swear words. Legolas squeaked and bounded upwards to the heavens.
Boromir grunted and still continued to fidget around the small flat. Kicking the sheep skin rugs, nudging lamps before casting his eyes towards the digestives. Aragorn noticed his friend's movements and shuffled towards him, his leather jacket rustling from the rain they had just walked through to get here. It was the night of the show unfortunately for those concerned, Faramir and Legolas had broken up (much to Boromir's glee which is the only reason why he was in Legolas's 'house' in the first place) with much tears and tribulations. Well, not really. Faramir had simply said an ill word against Shakira, claiming that she was a bit 'tartly' prompting Legolas to cross his hand across his jaw and shove him out the Job Club door into the bursting downpour outside. That was the end of that chapter and the relationship.
Aragorn and Boromir were now curiously situated in the gold kitchen with silver mosaic tiles scattered decoratively around the wall in a make shift border which Legolas had not bothered to finish. Turning their soaking wet soggy haired heads towards the bright orange notice board as well as noticing that Legolas had no sense of colour co ordination so far in his house they stared at the photos haphazardly placed on with fluorescent drawing pins. One of Haldir in a sleeveless black top with rhinestones round the shoulders and the neck area with his hair in pigtails with a strange looking purple drink in his hand with Legolas sat beside him with a fluffy green boa wrapped around his neck and leather clothes ahoy, another showing Legolas standing with half his arm cut off due to a vicious attack by a black marker pen to the person beside him in the photo, probably Faramir, with SHAKIRA HATER wrote in 2 inch letters above him and finally a charming photo of Haldir yet again, close up and him grinning lovingly at the camera.
Boromir grasped the digestives tube, squeezing the top off with his two thumbs while Aragorn amused himself reading the notice entitled 'Do Not Confuse Cat Ear Medicine With MILK", 'milk' being extremely emphasised with around 6 exclamation marks. His brunette mate nudged him in the ribs out of his trance, with a biscuit in his hand, smirking he raised it in front of Haldir's photo before pushing it upwards as if giving him the finger only in biscuit form then biting into it with a mass amount of happiness on his face. Aragorn laughed helping himself to a digestive, holding out his pinky and nibbling on it with proper etiquette. Boromir almost choked.
They continued to mock, quickly getting rid of the biscuits about two at a time before they both grasped the final four, sharing them equally. Blue eyes met brown and they began to snigger yet again thinking of what would be their next taking the piss bout.
Boromir suddenly placed both digestives, chocolate side facing Haldir's picture, over his eyes like a pair of glasses motioning them like window wipers and whining in an extremely high voice.
'PLEASSSSSSEEEEE DON'T EAT MY CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES. BOO HOO.." Aragorn almost wet him laughing yet again before he joined in stuffing both biscuits together and shoving them in his mouth and going 'MMPF MMPF' and rubbing his eyes. A tut was heard from behind them.
Haldir stood in his pink shirt pyjamas, with customary Dalmatian puppy slippers, frowning and lip quivering. Legolas stood with his hand on his friend's shoulder looking like a bee had stung him in his mouth, his mascara eyes boring deep into Aragorn's who was in the purpose of choking for another time in shock. Boromir continued to cry as Aragorn collapsed against the bench holding his hand to his chest trying to breath before falling to the floor struggling. His comrade unawares opened the chocolate wipers. A sheepish grin caused his face followed by a small giggle as he handed the biscuits to Haldir who grabbed them, crunched them into a fine powder and hurled it at Boromir's face. He then retreated up the stairs cursing again and blubbering. The former once great warrior kicked his former king who buckled afterwards raising himself upwards. Legolas still had the bee sting look.
'Fuck I feel awkward." The digestive glasses wearing man grunted averting his eyes. Aragorn massaged his throat. Leggy tutted and fixed his red woollen polo.
"Do you want me to do this bloody thing with you lot or not?" The rage pulling his hair back and a shriek coming through his normally squeaky voice. The duo nodded. "So far," He breathed.
"I have had to put up with HIM(Boromir), HIS brother, You!" He pointed at Aragorn. "Your wife giving birth on me and ruining my perfect Gap trousers with her rotten blood and other stuff I don't want to think about. Trekking through a forest which shouldn't even be allowed into because there are animals in there that could kill you. Aching feet. YOU again being sick on me. Torturing my toasty soldiers. Spilling your horrible pints over me. Blowing smoke in my hair. Shakira Haters. Sexually and physically assaulting me in Safeways. And now TONIGHT I have to strip butt ass naked with you hideous bastards!" Aragorn and Boromir stood open mouthed and downright shocked and disgusted.
"We did not sexually or physically assault you in Safeways! Blame your big ass for ramming it in 'im!" Boromir lit up a cigarette with the pressure as Aragorn nodded, looking even slightly tearful. "We don't need you anyway poofter! We been practicin'. We know what to do. Come on!" A finger indicated to head towards the door. Both of the men briefly exited. Boromir opened it again to slag off once more.
"Take your digestives and ram 'em up your..." Aragorn pulled him away before he could finish.
"Get out of my house!" Legolas sobbed just as distressed.
"Its a bloody flat!"
"Renovation! It has two floors. House. HOUSE."
The door slammed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The small petite pale knuckles rapped themselves across the splintered doorframe, a jagged spike dug into one of the crevices, prompting blood to appear and a hiss to escape Frodo's mouth.
"Ow!"
A low, throaty growl was heard from inside the building. Frodo looked up from his small height nervously to the green entrance, fear running down his spine.
"Legolas? Is that you?" His voice stammered.
"Thou Sayeth!"
The tiny hobbit squeaked silently, edging backwards towards the steps before flooding down as 'Thou Sayeth! THOU SAYETH!' continued to screech from Legolas's habitat. Frodo leapt into the Ford Focus that was Sameth's before leaveth the sceneth of madness.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Aragorn sipped on his boiling hot tea, cupping it in his hands whilst trying to keep his dark hair from dangling straight into the steaming brown mixture as Frodo whinged mercilessly about his encounter with Legolas earlier in the morning and how he was traumatised.
"Legolas was saying 'Thou Sayeth' over and over?" The man asked, biting his lip as he burnt his tongue to a charred crisp.
"Yes and he kept repeating it over and over and it was like he was screaming..."Frodo shivered at the thought.
Aragorn raised a thoughtful hand to his chin and scratched. The previous night raced through his head again...The digestives...Haldir...The ...petty argument...Legolas's renovations and his lack of common sense.
"We must solve this mystery now and rescue him..."Frodo's eyes bulged with adoration at how caring his friend was even though both of the bigger beings had differences.
"Oh Aragorn I love you!" The hobbit pounced and hugged him tight. The receiver squirmed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
All of the former fellowship stared at the viridian gateway. The golden doorknob glimmered in the judgement day evening sun, glowing like hell and impending to them the devilry inside. All breathed silently and rasped as they exhaled. Boromir spoke.
"Are we going bloody in or not?" His voice erupted, before kicking the door off its hinges and charging into the darkness. His companions watched in horror, then relaxation as nothing attempted to kill or maim the pint loving brute until he was pulled hideously into the shadow without a word or scream.
"Oh my GOD HE'S GOT BOROMIR!" Pippin was beside himself with fear as he raced for the doorway only to find it was properly barricaded and an ashen face was radiating back at him.
"You will all stay. We have got what we set out for." The body moved and sat on the floor where the group found Legolas and a frightened looking Boromir sitting face down to the laminate flooring. Legolas was twitching. The blonde turned a shaky head.
"Sit and be spoken to."
I think I'll leave it there :) Tune back in for the next chapter coming soon...I keep putting it off but eh. I want to make it fun while it lasts ^.^