THE FULL MONTY

CHAPTER 7: - Digivolve Into Nakedness.

'So let me get this straight here…' Aragorn attacked an itch on his chin as he pondered over what had just been said. 'You two are supposed to be in Eurovision right now and that's why you're locked up in here as if you are slightly mentally disturbed?'

Legolas nodded avidly at the raven haired man's analysis of the situation while Haldir whispered in his friend's ear; 'Ooh Legolas, I think they've got it.'

Since their hasty arrival, or rather breaking into the two elves flat, and after the capture of Boromir, who Legolas continued to sit on just for the pure satisfaction of the others discomfort, it had been revealed that the two formerly assumed 'insane' elves were in fact the representatives for Iceland this year in the Eurovision Song Contest which was taking place tonight and the two participants had got themselves into a right pickle. Haldir refused to go without Legolas and Legolas had the commitments of The Full Monty, also tonight, to attend to. Frodo was touched at Legolas's heartfelt longing to stay with them and see the thing through but was only snapped at that the elf had gone through the whole process of destroying a tacky gold ring because of him. He could only be obliged to stay with them down to that now didn't he? Aragorn was about to mention that the fellowship had diminished many years ago but got a swift tap from Boromir telling him to be quiet alongside a look in his eyes that said 'We need him, don't give him false intelligence.'

So after a few cups of tea, and an hour of waiting for the two flatmates to get ready for the event, Haldir in the audience and Legolas the performer, the group set off, to the pub, ready to at last do what they had set out to do weeks ago; The Full Monty. Sam was far from comfortable with the elves choice of clothes that they were currently wearing on route. Legolas had his hair in a skintight ponytail with purple sunglasses shielding his eyes, his bottom half was covered in a large brown trench coat and his upper half could not be seen. His companion had opted for a more business like look, a completely black trouser suit with the same hairstyle worn by Legolas and a scarf hanging haphazardly round his neck, which was, sooner or later, bound to catch on something and strangle Haldir. If this was the elves attempt at disguises they were gathering more attention than diverting it.

'Was this all really necessary?' Sam asked Legolas, whom was now clinging to red brick wall's corner peering around it for anyone suspicious approaching. The small, podgy hobbit was clammy with nerves as he looked at the pub's entrance across the road where a large crowd was brooding.

'Oh shit,' Boromir murmured from behind him. 'I'd rather be in Moria again and have that lot replaced by a whole load of Orcs than do this.'

'Will I come backstage with you or will I go and sit inside?' Haldir was not worried, but on the other hand he was not the one about to get his kit off. Boromir, about to protest was promptly interrupted by Legolas.

'Ooh, you should. You don't want to be there with him there do you?' There was the sense that there was some sort of gossip tone in his voice as the rest of the performers watched on in disbelief. It was now official. They did not know Legolas. Haldir raised a hand to mouth and tutted.

'I suppose you're right. I should avoid him.'

'Yes. Sure what if she is there? She would kill you would she not?' Said Legolas.

'Oh she wouldn't care if a piranha bit her in the ass and she couldn't sit down again!' The Lorien elf spat, obvious disdain in his voice. His friend giggled.

'HELLO?' The meant to be a roar but came out as a squeak from Boromir, sick with nerves, barged into their conversation whilst quickly reminding them of the task at hand. 'We have a show to do, 'member?' This did knock some sense into the two gossipers but also disgusted them to the point they whispered some sort of comment about the Gondor male's manhood before scuttling off into the pub. The unusually quiet hobbits were next to enter, complete with expressions best suited to rabbits in headlights. Now only the two larger men were left suddenly taking an interest in the pub sign.

'Never noticed it was a horse on the sign before…' Aragorn slurred, rain beginning to seep into his hair as the heavens began to pour from the overcast gloomy clouds above them. His mate muttered in reply.

'Yeah, a white one too…'

'Is it a pony or a horse?' said Aragorn.

'Dunno…An' the windows have pictures on 'em! Look!'

Aragorn looked at the red and gold stained glass patterns on the windows, taking even more interest into them than he did to the sign; Boromir was already sticking his nose, almost pressing against one pane, to gather a closer look. There was a small 'hem hem' from behind them.

Legolas stood with his eyebrows raised. His nerves too were beginning to show in his eyes.

'Our crowd awaits us gentlemen.'

***

'I wish I was a digimon.' Haldir's voice quietly sounded above the noisy din from the audience, almost sigh-like as he stared glazed eyed at his radio. This caught all of the rest off hand, including Legolas who instantly gave him a look of ultimate revulsion. His expression portrayed that of someone with a higher level of intelligence than the simple mindedness of Haldir and his digimon fantasy.

'Don't be so stupid, Haldir. Digimon aren't real.' Legolas snapped at him while adjusting his own hair in a crooked mirror. Sam and Frodo looked on already dressed, not really caring about the state of their hair. It was the last thing on their minds at this moment and time. Haldir's head shot up, his glazed expression vanished into thin air and his lip became skeletal.

'If I was a digimon I could digivolve and kick your ass!' His voice crackled as Legolas looked on at disbelief at his comrade, before returning to the task of his hair slightly misty eyed.

It appeared that the tensions were indeed heightening as the starting time of the show came nearer and nearer, not much was said after Legolas's and Haldir's one sided argument but it hadn't made a great deal of change since not much had been said beforehand either. Aragorn had retreated to the bathroom to try and cure his urge to be sick every two seconds whilst Boromir just sat blankly on top of a beer crate, wishing he could drink the lot, pass out and get out of this mess altogether. Merry and Pippin were watching Coronation Street, every so often repeating lines the characters had said 10 minutes ago 5 minutes later. It seemed the time delay had became even larger in their minds so keeping time with the beat of music suddenly posed a dampener on the performance. Sam was engraving a trail of his own feet across the tiled floor as he waited on signal, pacing backwards and forwards unlike Frodo who was peeking out of the shabby red velvet curtains, now concealing the stage, announcing various people in hushed, timid squeaks and whispers.

'Look! Look, Sam, Sam, look who it is! Quick! Sammm…!' Frodo became frustrated as Sam continued to ignore him mercilessly, trying not to think and forget that the end of his world was near. Legolas sauntered over, still spitting at Haldir from their previous argument and poked his head through the crimson curtains. Sitting in the middle of the room was an aged man, sheer blonde hair and ice blue eyes. Beside him was a cross-faced slightly strawberry blonde woman beside him.

'Well he has a nerve showing up…' The elf muttered. 'Haldir!  Look its your boyfriend.' A sly smirk came over his face realising the pain that the other would now endure. There was an echoed 'Well tell him to fuck off then' from the small corner where he sat, transiently fixed still on his red radio. In the not too distant background there was a loud 'YRRCH' signalling that Aragorn's stomach was still not obeying him and Boromir didn't seem to care as he picked at the side of the crate, his actions becoming more rabid as the room started to become silent and there was a pitter patter of footsteps on the stage.

'Ooh bugger…Tell him five more minutes!' Sam's voice took the metaphoric form of nails down a blackboard during his state of panic, now alerting the others into their own state of frenzy. Unfortunately for the former King of Gondor, who had just emerged from the remnants of a backstage bathroom, this was not a welcome sign to his newly acquired self control of his stomach he was soon enough back into the toilet before Legolas could squawk and almost cause Merry to lose the senses in his left foot.

'Och nook….' Pippin looked at his hairy hobbit sized feet, chewing on a toffee crisp he had just nicked from Merry now trying to dissect Legolas's unmentionables from where they belonged.

BANG.

Aragorn stormed out of the bathroom, his beard was glistening under the do it yourself style light lingering above him and his hair was partly brushed much to Legolas's surprise at the man's attempt at self-grooming.

'Lets do this bloody thing before it kills us. I don't want to spend the rest of my life throwing up my dinner.' He grunted, stepping out onto the stage by himself. The group had opted for badly sewn suits as their costumes, with Velcro tags for easy stripping. Legolas squeaked and held his hands to his mouth, whilst Pippin took Aragorn's lead, disappearing for the space of two seconds and returning, complete with shades and long black trench coat in a gone foul attempt at Keanu Reeves in 'The Matrix'.

'Com' on!  The Matrix needs us…' The hobbit yelled as he hurled himself through the curtains. There was large clunks as Merry followed suit clasped entirely inside a Robocop suit, visor included which lit up causing Haldir to 'Ooh' in awe shouting the words: -

'SERVE THE PUBLIC! PROTECT THE INNOCENT!'

'Put me off sex for life.' Legolas finished the sentence for him looking bleakly to world outside the curtains. Boromir gurned.  Haldir gave Leggy a small shove with his pointy elbow, jabbing him right in the ribs.

'Show 'em what you're made of gorgeous.' Haldir's eyes were warm with a sort of pride and comfort. His companion begged to differ.

'I'm not! I'm horrid!' He reclined from the curtains, stepping over Boromir's feet until he clung to the wall, trying to dig a way out. The man looked at him in a strange, compelling way.

'You are not ugly, you are better lookin than the most of us so get out there.' Boromir, uncomfortable handing out praise and friendliness to Legolas outreached a hand and pulled him up. The elf slightly taller looked at him and went out, only almost tripping on his shoes as he went, Haldir wolf-whistling in the background.

'Stupid poofy ass pirate...' He grumbled before taking one last glance at Haldir who was inadvertently, but probably not, directing his eyes at his crotch, a shiny smile lit upon his face. Incredibly uncomfortable, the man headed to the gap between the raggedy curtains before the elf's voice stopped him.

'They're comfy aren't they?' The same expression he had used on Legolas had returned.

'What are?' Boromir said.

'Keep the tummy nice and flat, always good.'

Boromir directed his attention to going out on stage again.

'I wear pink.'

'HE PROMISED HE WOULDN'T TELL!' The already obstinate man hissed and almost spat poison at Haldir who was still serenely calm and gentle.

'Faramir told me, not Leggy.'

'I'll bloody kill 'im so I will. Prick…Prick…Prick…' A hand pulled Boromir by the knotty tie outwards onto the stage so that a naked Aragorn faced him. One hand clutched between his legs the other on his friend's shoulder.

'Join in mate!' White teeth bared themselves in a large grin while they weren't the only things on show. Boromir looked downward before asking.

'You waxed?'

THE END.

Its finished. After over a years worth of waiting, blood, sweat and tears, amidst other things this story is finished. I can only say it was a labour of love and I hope you all enjoyed it. Be kind in the reviews and I hope it made you laugh as much as it did me.

xoxo