Chapter Three
Sam woke with a sudden gasp, a sharp intake of breath that made Toby jump. He slowly rolled onto his back wincing at the pain that shot through his shoulder.
"How's your head?" Toby asked quietly.
"Better," Sam lied. He watched Toby get out of his seat and walk towards the door. "Where are you going?"
"To get you something to eat." Sam waved his hand as if dismissing the notion. "You should eat something," Toby insisted.
Sam looked up at Toby but looked away again before he answered quietly. "I can't keep anything down."
Toby thought about Sam's confession for a while. "Well then, I'm going to get you something to eat and a bucket." He left the room before Sam could protest again.
On his way out of the Mess Toby caught sight of Josh sitting on his own in the corner. He wandered over to his table but didn't sit down. "Sam went and made his statement," Toby informed him.
"Good, how is he? I looked in a couple of times this morning but I've been pretty flat out since lunch."
"He hasn't said much. He's been asleep since he got back." Josh didn't answer and Sam's meal was getting cold. "I should get this to him."
"I've been pretty flat out since lunch," Josh repeated as Toby started to turn away.
Toby carefully balanced the pasta dish on the tray. He wished he'd asked Josh if he was planning on taking Sam home but then decided he didn't care. He would take Sam home tonight. When he entered his office Sam was still sitting in the same position he had been in when he'd left him, Toby handed him the tray.
"It's pasta."
"So it is." Sam sat up straighter and started to eat. Toby sat back at his desk and continued to look at the opening paragraphs of the speech. He made a point of not looking at him although the constant deep breaths and sighs told him he was having a few problems forcing the pasta down.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Toby looked up to find Leo staring at Sam.
"Good afternoon, Leo," Sam replied.
"Good afternoon, Sam. What the hell are you doing here?"
Sam placed the almost empty dish on the floor and opened a bottle of water. "Do you want me to go?"
"No I don't want you to go. But no one expected you in today you realise that right?" Sam nodded in reply.
"Could the police tell you anymore about what happened?"
"She was jogging." Sam saw the blood soaked sweat shirt and unconsciously wiped his hands on his trousers. He realised the statement wasn't very helpful so added, "She tripped."
"This is what the friend said?" Leo asked.
"Yeah and witnesses, other drivers mostly, I think there was a person on the other side of the street who saw it too." Toby and Leo were silent, hoping Sam would continue. "The driver behind me saw me brake. I always tap the brakes a couple of times if I'm going to slow down suddenly, you know, like a warning. It started raining hard and the sun was blinding. Anyway, he saw me and the police said I slowed down long before…that I definitely slowed down."
The blinds were drawn and the door was closed so Toby decided it was worth pushing Sam. "What happened after you slowed down?"
Sam heard the thud and the scream and tried to ignore the turning of his stomach. "I heard this…there was a…" He swallowed hard. "There was a thud then I saw…someone screamed…her friend I think." Sam took a deep breath. "I broke but I think I skidded. It was raining you see." Sam took another deep breath but this time his stomach overpowered any attempt to quell its lurching. "I'm sorry…I'm going to..." That was all Sam managed before he rushed out of the room, his hand over his mouth.
Leo and Toby stared at the door.
"You thought it might help him to talk about it?" Leo asked.
"Yeah."
"You might want to rethink that."
Toby shot Leo a 'that's very helpful' look and then went after Sam.
The rest of the week passed slowly. Sam continued to go into work and draft the Farmers' Union speech and Toby rewrote every page. He didn't try to get Sam to talk about what had happened again. He was getting increasingly worried about him. Sam was becoming more withdrawn. He was still finding it difficult to eat and had reacted angrily when Toby had mentioned that he hoped he wasn't developing some sort of trendy eating disorder.
As Sam had become more depressed, Josh had become more frustrated with him. Toby had been shocked when Josh had suggested that Sam should be beginning to pull himself together by now. Sam detached himself from Josh and started to look more to Toby for support.
The President had purposely not met with Sam until later in the week. Leo had told him that Sam was still very emotional and although he was back at work, he wasn't really up to doing much. The staff had gathered in the Oval Office and matters had been dealt with briskly by Leo who had kept an eye on Sam throughout the meeting. Sam did not join in with the discussions but put on a good show of listening attentively to all that was being said. At the end of the meeting the President asked him to stay behind. He motioned to him to stay seated and came and sat next to him.
"How are you getting to and from work Sam?"
Sam had thought the President would offer some words of comfort or advice so the fact that he was considering practicalities threw Sam momentarily.
"Josh, Toby, Ginger sometimes. I get a cab if it's awkward and when the weather's better I'll be able to walk."
"When the weather's better? So you're not planning on driving anytime soon?"
"I hadn't really thought about it a great deal. I don't miss it. I don't have any problems getting around. In some ways it's easier- no parking hassles for one thing. If I walked to and from work every day that would be a forty minute workout without even going to the gym, so, when you start to weigh it up there's actually more to be said for not driving than driving." Sam finally took a breath.
"And that's when you haven't thought about it a great deal," dead-panned the President. Sam just shrugged; he had no intention of ever driving again. The President changed the subject, "The speech is looking good. You're staying for the dinner on Friday?"
"Of course." The speech that Sam and Toby had worked on all week was to be followed by a dinner at the White House. Sam had no desire to go but Friday was the day of the funeral and he thought that if he immersed himself in work all day and stayed on for the dinner, he would be able to avoid thinking about it as much as possible.
Charlie entered the office and the President reluctantly stood. "Well I've got to go now and be polite to someone that I really don't like at all."
"You're very good at it though, sir," Charlie said.
The President looked at Sam with a bemused expression, "I don't know if that was meant to be a compliment or not."
Sam just shrugged and smiled, inwardly pleased that his chat with Bartlet had been cut short and that it hadn't ended with him throwing-up or bursting into tears in the Oval Office. Both of which were not unlikely events at the moment.
Sam had been back in his office for half an hour before he went into Toby's and sat on the sofa. "I'm not sure..." Sam started again, "I don't think-" he broke off. Toby put his pen down and waited for Sam to continue. "I'm not sure that going to the dinner on Friday is a good idea after all."
"Is that what the President thinks?" Toby couldn't hide his surprise.
"No, but I was just thinking about it and it occurred to me that maybe people will think I'm being disrespectful."
"Has somebody said something?" Sam shook his head. He was getting very skilled at non-verbal communication.
"It's the Farmers' Western Union Sam I don't think we're going to be having much fun."
CJ walked past, Toby caught her eye. "Sam doesn't think he should go on Friday," he explained.
"Out of the question." Both men were startled by CJ's vehement objection. "I've put you on my table and you're going to save me from slipping into a coma and then, when crop rotation is being explained to me for the thirtieth time, you're going to ask me to dance."
"There isn't going to be any dancing," Toby stated.
"Which is exactly what I will reply," CJ explained.
Sam smiled. "And what will I say to that?"
"You will take my hand and exclaim that we need no music, let the wind in the trees be our violins and the beating of our hearts our own sweet rhythm as we dance beneath a chandelier made of stars."
"I could just say there's a phone call for you," Sam suggested.
"You're coming." It was a command and the way it was said left Sam no option but to say yes. Toby shook his head and smiled as CJ walked away singing 'One Man Went to Mow'.
"He's gone home to get changed for tonight," Toby called to Josh who was standing outside Sam's office. Josh came and stood in the doorway.
"I'm sorry I couldn't make it last night. I had to wait for this call and by the time it came…" Josh trailed off. They both knew he could have made it to Sam's if he'd wanted to.
"Why are you avoiding him?" Toby watched as Josh shut the door and walked over to the window. He ran his finger along the ledge and wiped the non-existent dust on his trousers. He put his hands in his pockets and turned to face Toby.
"Because I find it hard to listen to him, he's so full of guilt and I want to be able to help him with that but I know that it doesn't go away."
"Go on," Toby prompted.
Josh spoke quickly. The thoughts had been running through his head so frequently that he found he had no problem verbalizing them. "If I can't get over my guilt about my sister, I can't see how he'll ever even begin to get over his. I just get angry with him, and I know I shouldn't, but I want to just shake him and tell him to get over it. It was an accident, he's acting like he run her over on purpose."
"Have you finished?"
"Yeah," Josh sighed and waited for Toby's advice.
"Stay away from him."
"I'm sorry?" Josh hadn't expected that.
"Stay away from Sam. This isn't about you it's about him and if you can't make a distinction between how you feel and how he feels then that's your problem. I'm sorry this has stirred up things for you but Sam doesn't need to be worrying about you as well. Maybe if you two had been closer recently it would have been easier."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Toby was using all his patience on Sam and had little left for Josh. "Oh come on, Josh, you and Sam haven't been as close as you were for a while now. All I'm saying is, if you can't help then stay away."
Josh was stunned. He had expected Toby to help him to find a way to help Sam not to dismiss him outright. "We're still close. Just because we don't spend all day sitting in each other's offices doesn't mean we're not close." Josh walked over to Toby and was about to say something but then stopped. He stepped towards the door and rested his hand on the handle. "I don't have to explain my relationship with Sam to you. I'll think about what you said, I'm not dismissing it, but you're wrong about us not being as close as we were." Toby waited for the predictable slam of the door and then went back to his crossword. Smiling at the irony of it Toby filled in eleven down; disavow.
Sam stood in front of the mirror slowly adjusting his tie. He thought of all the dinners he had attended at the White House and allowed memories of happier times to invade his thoughts.
'I'll say this for you though; you know how to wear a tuxedo.'
"I know," Sam said out loud to the empty bedroom. But the momentary happiness that the memory had conjured had already faded.
The President had sent a car to take him home and bring him back, insisting that he have a break before returning to the White House. Sam had planned to go down to the stoop and wait for the car but this was his second attempt at leaving his apartment and the second time he had felt unable to walk through the door. He sat down on his sofa and laughed at the absurdity of the situation. He glanced at the clock and seeing the car wasn't due for another five minutes, poured himself a large bourbon. Staring at the door, he realised one wouldn't be enough and so poured another and drank it as quickly as the first. He felt able to go to the dinner now and face the stares and whispers of the guests. He headed a little unsteadily out of the apartment and down to the car which was already waiting for him. He'd have to make sure that he had something to eat before he drank anything else and maybe a few mints wouldn't be a bad idea. Toby usually had some lying around.
They didn't see Sam walk past the window and lean against the doorframe; they were too busy watching the images on the television screen. Toby sat perched on the front of his desk his arms folded, Josh stood in the far corner leaning against the wall and CJ sat on the sofa. Sam backed out of the room as he took in the scenes that were flashing in front of his friends. The reporter stood a discreet distance away from the now deserted church describing the flowers that had been laid outside. As she spoke, images of the coffin being taken into the church were shown followed by footage of relatives and friends walking behind it. CJ sighed as a picture of Sam was shown and the reporter handed back to the studio where they started to speculate if Sam would be attending the dinner tonight.
"Sam!" CJ's exclamation caused Toby to fumble for the remote and Josh to spring away from the wall. Sam didn't move he stayed leaning against the doorframe his face expressionless.
"I wondered if you had any mints, Toby?"
Toby rummaged in his drawer while CJ stood up and straightened her long skirt. She took the mints off Toby and handed them to Sam. "Come on, let's go over our escape plan again." She took his hand and dragged him away from the office.
By the time Toby and Josh were seated at their table, Sam was already on his second drink. CJ shot Toby a glance as he entered and he glanced at Sam who appeared to be fine, in fact Toby was pleased to notice some colour in his cheeks.
As she had predicted, CJ was indeed stuck next to a man who seemed intent on helping her understand the mysteries of crop rotation. She tried shooting Sam a few helpless glances but he had his own problems. The wife of the man seemed equally intent on trying to make him eat something.
"Why don't you have another roll," she suggested as she shoved the dish under his nose. Sam had managed the soup and was now picking at the main course.
"Is it not what you thought it would be? The number of times I've ordered something and it's turned out not to be what I thought it was." She laughed and Sam forced a smile.
"It's just been a long day. I should have eaten earlier you know how you can get too hungry to eat sometimes."
"Dear oh dear, well you look like you need building up." She picked up her knife and fork and leaned towards him, for one horrifying moment Sam thought she was going to cut up his steak for him. Instead she leaned close and whispered, "I won't say a word as long as you let me have your dessert if I prefer it to mine."
Sam flashed a genuine smile at his companion and whispered, "It's a deal."
The rest of the meal passed without incident. Sam ate less than anyone at the table but made up for it by drinking more.
The tables had been cleared and Sam had long since left his. He positioned himself in the flight-path of the waiters and giggled slightly as he pictured waiters taking off down a runway. He stayed there for a while relieved that he had got through the meal and that in a little while he could excuse himself and go home. For the first time all week he felt relaxed, his shoulder didn't ache, he didn't have a headache and when he closed his eyes he didn't see Claire's body flying towards him. The waiters had stopped passing him and he wondered how many steps it was to the table that still had some glasses of champagne left from the toast. He decided he could do it in five steps. One- Leo was leaning over Toby and whispering, two- Charlie was being called over by Leo, three- Josh was walking over to Toby, four- Charlie was heading his way, five- Leo was walking out of the room with the President.
Sam reached the table and immediately grabbed a glass and downed the contents. If everyone just stopped hovering he thought he could probably forget the thud and the scream too. He reached for another glass but was stopped by a hand on his arm. He looked up to see Charlie by his side.
"Why don't you come outside and get some air," he suggested.
"Thank you but I don't think I will." He shrugged Charlie's hand off and picked up the glass.
"Come on, Sam," Charlie whispered as he replaced his hand more firmly this time.
"Get off me!" At Sam's shout half of the people in the room turned abruptly towards him. The other half joined them at the sound of the glass crashing on the floor.
Josh started to walk towards Sam but Toby held him back and went in his place. Charlie had been told to get Sam tactfully out of the room but for once was unsure of what to do next. Sam stooped down and started clumsily picking up the pieces of broken glass. Charlie knelt beside him but didn't dare speak to the volatile man. The silence that had descended was broken, first by the sound of high-heals clicking across the room and then by the confident voice of the woman who was wearing them, "Samuel, we've only got two-hundred and eighty-four of those glasses left you know!"