Josh took the pencil from behind his ear and drew a large circle around the ad in the paper. He tapped it on the edge of the sofa while he studied the information before circling two more. Sam was taking a long time to get ready but Josh didn't say anything. He was so pleased that Sam had finally agreed to spend Saturday morning looking for cars that he dared not say anything to make him change his mind.
Sam emerged from the bedroom and Josh looked up from the paper. "There are some great cars here, we definitely picked a good weekend to go car hunting."
"Picked a good morning, I'm just spending the morning looking then I'm going into work." Sam grabbed his keys and cell and held the door open for Josh, letting him dictate where they were going and rave on about the cars he had circled.
Sam had been thinking of getting a new car before the accident. When the garage had phoned he had told them to sell his car on, he didn't even want to look at it again. Travelling around with Josh today would be a lot easier than arguing with him and buying a new car would stop Josh going on about it. Sam couldn't picture himself ever driving a car again though.
He felt the car come to a stop and realised Josh had pulled up in front of a large forecourt. A row of flags flapped in the breeze above a line of shining, brand new Hondas. Sam followed Josh over to the cars. He stood and watched as Josh sat inside of one and started adjusting the seat.
Josh leaned out of the window. "This is roomy for a Honda I mean."
Sam stood by the side of the car his hands in his pockets. He climbed into the passenger seat but only because he had just seen a salesman making his way towards them and didn't want to have to talk to him. "Hondas aren't known to not be roomy. You're not going to do that all day are you?"
"Do what?" Josh nodded at the salesman as he approached them.
"Pretend you know about cars," Sam answered.
Before Josh could defend himself the salesman began telling him about the various redeeming features of the latest model. When Josh requested a test drive Sam stayed in the passenger's seat.
Sam was impressed with the interior and found himself liking the car increasingly as the drive progressed. Suddenly Josh stopped and started to rev the engine.
"What are you doing?" a bemused Sam asked.
"I'm listening," Josh held his hand up to silence Sam.
"What are you listening for?" Josh didn't answer. "Hey, Andretti, what are you listening for?"
Josh ignored Sam and started to drive again, "Well the engine sounds…"
Sam turned towards Josh, "Oh, this is going to be good. The engine sounds?"
"Worthy of a Honda!" Josh declared triumphantly.
Sam shook his head and started leafing through the buyer's guide. Josh found a parking lot and pulled in. "Do you want to drive it back?"
"No." His answer was emphatic and Josh knew better than to ask again.
Sam paid the deposit and signed the various agreements and then pretended to read the guide as Josh drove them to the White House.
Sam stayed late. He went straight to his office and let Josh tell Toby about the morning's shopping expedition. After a few hours he went into Toby's office with the first draft of the speech they were working on. He handed it to Toby and walked over to the window.
"I know I'm not writing well. Why haven't you said anything?"
"Because you already know," Toby countered. "It will get better in time. It's not as if you're not writing you're just not writing with your usual flair."
Sam continued to stare out of the window. "Has there been any comeback from what happened in the Mess?"
"No." Toby was lying. Leo had heard about it and insisted Toby make Sam take some time off. Toby and Josh had managed to dissuade him. They both knew it would be better if Sam was at work where they could keep an eye on him.
Sam rubbed at his neck and rolled his head from side to side. "I bought a car today."
"Yeah, Josh said. That's good. You can't just stop driving."
"Why can't I?" Sam spun around, "Why can't I? It hasn't been a problem. I only brought the damn thing to shut Josh up."
Toby waited for Sam's anger to fade before he answered. "Then you need do what the First Lady told you to."
"How do you know what she- Oh, she said she wouldn't ask me if I had taken her advice, I guess I should have realised she didn't mean she wouldn't ask you." Sam turned back towards the window. "I'm doing fine. I don't need to talk about it. I don't need someone trying to persuade me I have nothing to feel guilty about."
"Well yeah, except you do, that's exactly what you need and you definitely need someone to treat your shoulder."
Sam immediately removed his hand from his neck. "I might go and see the doctor she recommended for my neck but I'm not going to see the other guy."
"The other guy being Doctor Chapman the psychoanalyst?"
"No Toby, I was talking about the shoeshine on 24th." Sam closed his eyes. "I don't want someone to try to make me feel better. I deserve to feel like this. As long as her parents have to live without their daughter and her brother has to live without his sister, I should feel like this."
"God, Sam, you are so wrong. You've got to give someone a chance to make you see that it's alright to not feel guilty. It doesn't mean you don't care, it doesn't make you're hardened to it but you can't go on living with this the way you are."
Toby watched as Sam stood up straight and let go of the windowsill. He opened his eyes and turned to face Toby. "Sometimes I'm not sure if I can go-"
"Mary Marsh just got hit by an egg!" Josh burst into the room, "You should have seen it, splat, right in the middle of her hypocritical, prejudiced face. Donna got it on video you should come and watch it's even better in slow motion." Josh stopped talking and noticed that Sam and Toby were staring at each other and didn't appear to have heard a word he said. He laughed nervously. "What's going on?"
"Give us a minute," Toby didn't take his eyes off Sam as he spoke and he waited for Josh to leave before he continued, "Were you about to tell me that you feel suicidal?"
It was seconds but it seemed like minutes to Toby before Sam finally answered, "No."
"Then tell me what the thing you're not sure about is."
"It's nothing. I just, sometimes I just don't know how I'm going to be able to live with this? You remember what Josh said the night of the dinner?" Toby nodded. "He was so right, she'll still be dead when I'm sober, she'll still be dead when I go to bed and she'll still be dead in the morning and I'm frightened that that's my life now. Nothing will ever be good again because it will be destroyed by that. I'll be destroyed by it."
"Sam, define suicidal, because that sounded pretty suicidal to me."
Sam looked up at Toby a brief flicker of a smile crossed his face. "I'm not suicidal, Toby," he reiterated.
"I know, and I don't know what to say apart from get help. See someone. Talk to someone. You didn't kill Claire Walsh; bad luck, an untied shoelace or a wonky piece of sidewalk did. It happened to both of you. You're a victim of what happened too."
"Done to death by an untied shoelace. It's an interesting theory, Toby, but I think it was probably the impact of my car and being flung onto the road that actually killed her."
Toby shook his head as he realised Sam wasn't even prepared to try to rationalize his feelings.
Josh had given up being patient and tapped on the door. Toby held up his hand, he had a feeling Sam had more to say. Sam turned back towards the window and rested his head against the wall. His shoulders were hunched and his arms were folded. "When I had that panic attack it was because I'd remembered something. Your briefcase started to slide off the sofa and I remembered, in the car, the speech was on top of the…" Suddenly Sam swung around, "I think that's what I was doing. I think I was looking at the papers on my briefcase. They started to slide off and I grabbed them. I wasn't looking where I was going. Maybe I could have swerved or stopped in time if I'd been looking."
Toby took hold of Sam's shoulders. He spoke loudly, Josh could hear every word. "You slowed down, you know you did, the driver behind could see you clearly. You were not reaching for anything when it happened. If you did try to grab the papers it must have happened earlier- as you went around a corner probably." Toby saw something register on Sam's face. He sagged against the wall and let Toby support him for a moment.
"It did, it happened before when I was turning. It was long before I was anywhere near her but when I saw your briefcase slipping off the chair I remembered it. I must have remembered it wrong that's all." Sam straightened up and Toby let go of him.
Josh entered the room unable to wait any longer. "What's going on?"
"Sam thinks he will be destroyed by what has happened but we don't need to worry because he assures me he's not suicidal."
"Well that's a relief, for a moment I thought you were having trouble with the speech."
Sam unfolded his arms and smiled at Josh. "Have you come to take me home?"
"Yep, are you ready?" Josh asked.
"Yeah, I'll just grab my coat."
Josh only had time to glance at Toby before Sam returned. Toby's expression had told Josh everything that he needed to know though; he managed to convey that everything was not alright but that Josh was to leave it alone in one look.
Josh pulled up in front of Sam's apartment and took his temporarily empty parking space. "There's going to be a pretty impressive automobile sitting here soon my friend," Josh sounded like a parent trying to convince his child that he would enjoy his first day at school. Sam wasn't listening. He was staring at a car over the road. The driver was staring back. Sam watched as it pulled away.
"Sam!" Josh was waving his hand in front of Sam's face.
"Sorry- I thought I recognised someone." Sam had seen Stephen Walsh parked outside his apartment a number of times. He knew eventually he would have to face him. In a strange way he was looking forward to being confronted by someone who agreed that what had happened was his fault.
Once inside his apartment Sam immediately poured himself a Jack Daniels. He offered a glass to Josh who declined at first but then, realising Sam was going to drink alone anyway, accepted.
Sam had finished his second glass by the time Josh had emptied his first. He picked up the brochure for Sam's car and started to flick through it while Sam poured another drink.
"It's got a power-glass sunroof."
"I have no idea what that is." Sam rested his head against the sofa and closed his eyes.
"CFC free air-con, electronic climate control," Josh continued to read as Sam drained his glass. "This is really going to impress- it's got a centre armrest with beverage holder."
"Josh-"
"Bluetooth-"
"Josh! I've bought it you can drop the hard sell."
"I might go into the car trade when I'm done with politics. 'Lyman's Lott'- the best selection of used cars in Washington. I didn't cheat you when I served you in the White House and I won't cheat you now."
"Do you think if I have a fourth glass I'll be able to wipe what you just said from my memory?"
"Well we'll never find out, because I'm going home and you're going to bed." Josh picked up the glasses and walked into the kitchen. By the time he had washed them and returned to the living room Sam had fallen asleep. He covered him with a blanket and quietly left the apartment.
Josh seemed more excited than Sam did about his new car arriving. He arranged with Toby and CJ that they would go over to Sam's and take him out for dinner.
"You have to make enticing comments about it," Josh instructed them. "I think I'm wearing him down. He almost sat in the driver's seat last night."
"You do realise he has no intention of driving it don't you?" Toby said.
"It's got a centre armrest with beverage holder, Toby, he'll crack eventually."
Josh stuck his head out of his window as he pulled up next to the stoop and called out to Sam, "Do you want to drive us there?"
"About as much as I want to have another panic attack in the middle of the Mess."
"See, I'm wearing him down, slowly, it's a gradual process," Josh said.
Sam sat in the back next to CJ. He was quiet on the way to the restaurant. It started to rain and Josh cursed. The only sound was of the torrential rain hitting the windshield and of the wipers furiously gliding to-and-fro. Sam was surprised when he felt CJ's hand grab his but he returned the gentle squeeze and the four sat in companionable silence until they reached the restaurant.
Toby was pleased to see that Sam ate almost all of the meal. He wasn't quite so pleased to see how much Sam needed to drink to accomplish it. Sam was able to keep what he ate down now but the experience of not being able to had left him with a diminished appetite.
Sam listened to his friends discussing the week's events with a sense of detachment. He realised that he had very little knowledge of what had been happening and even less interest. When Josh asked Toby how the speech was going Sam excused himself and headed towards the men's room.
He watched the cold water run through his fingers before cupping it and rinsing his face. He had felt in control at the table, but now, in the cool of the men's room, he suddenly felt the effects of the alcohol. He held on to the sink and took a few mouthfuls of water before rinsing his face again.
As he made his way back to the table he could see someone talking to Josh. He was facing away from Sam and it was only as he neared the table that he recognised the voice of Congressman Richards. Toby stood up to allow Sam back to his space and the congressman halted his discussion with Josh. "Sam it's good to see you. I must say I admire the way you're handling what happened, such a tragic situation. The same thing happened to my uncle. Well not exactly the same; he had a collision with a cyclist. He never got over it. I was only young at the time but I remember the sudden change in his personality. He went from being a dynamic, strong-willed man to a-"
"Oh God! I'm so sorry, Josh." CJ righted her glass and frantically moved Josh's wallet out of the way of her spilt drink which was running across the surface of the table. Toby and Josh had watched helplessly as Sam's face had grown paler as the congressman had continued and they both silently praised CJ for bringing an abrupt end to it. Sam bowed his head and waited for Richards to leave and the waiters to finish wiping up the remnants of CJ's drink. When he looked up again he was greeted by the stares of his three friends.
"You ready?" Josh asked. At Sam's nod the four of them left the table. It was still raining heavily. They stood sheltering under an awning. Sam stood a little way off from the group. They didn't notice that he wasn't sheltering with them and was standing in the rain.
"I think it's stopping we should wait here for a while," Josh said as the rain furiously bounced off the sidewalk and poured down the posts from the awning above them.
"Stop stalling and go and get the car," Toby ordered.
"Okay, but I just want to say if we'd left on time I wouldn't have to get soaked because I'd have got a space nearer the restaurant."
"Oh for God's sake give me the keys. I'd rather get wet than stand here arguing about where the damn car's parked." He held out his hand but Josh hadn't been listening, he was looking straight past Toby.
Sam was unaware of Josh's gaze or the rain that was running down his face and down the back of his collar. He was drunk, he was tired and he wanted to go home. He knew Josh had parked the car somewhere around here and he was fed up of waiting for the others. He walked towards the road intent on finding Josh's car and getting home. Josh watched him step off the sidewalk and into the road. Sam was staring straight ahead oblivious to all that was happening around him. The car horn stirred him from his daze but he only managed to look up to where the sound was coming from. Toby heard the horn too; it came seconds before Josh pushed him roughly out of his way.
Sam could see lights now. They dazzled him. He felt ensnared by the beams and the silver raindrops that sliced through them. He felt an arm wrap around his chest and was pulled violently backwards. He crashed to the ground and felt a weight land on top of him. The horn blasted again and the driver shouted obscenities as the car flew by.
Sam was unable to make sense of what had happened. He looked up and saw Toby looking down at him and then he felt the weight lifting from his chest. Suddenly Josh grabbed his lapels and hoisted him up until he was almost sitting upright, his face inches from Josh's. "What the hell were you thinking? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Sam didn't answer so Josh shook him. "Answer me!"
Toby and CJ watched in fascination as Josh's anger vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He pulled Sam towards him and wrapped his arms around him. "You idiot!" He let go of Sam when Toby pulled up beside them. They drove back home the way they had arrived; in silence.