Title: Unsaid

Spoilers for "A Boy Falling From The Sky"

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or even the premise to ER. Those all belong to the creators and producers of the show, and the folks at Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement is ever intended.

Notes: Lucky number 13…

This is the second installment in a series of crossover post-eps with KenzieGal (aka It's_Always_Something) and her "The Long Way" series. Look for Carter's PoV captured in her latest chapter "My Better Half". A must read for any Carby. Please consider that while there will be another common thread weaving its way through our chapters, our individual work will remain our own. Her stories won't always exactly parallel mine, and vice versa.

A special thanks to Starsy, who's always been supportive of my work. It's good to have you back.

And to all those readers who have expressed their continued loyalty to the series. I'm glad you're enjoying the ride.

Enjoy.

Expect the unexpected.

Lockdowns and bi-polar brothers. First kisses in hot, sticky trauma rooms. Trips to Belize and Chechnya. Three feet of snow in seven hours. Tornadoes and butterflies and brass rings and spiral-bound notebooks. Missing planes and bottles of Jose Quervo in the middle of the night.

Waking up next to the man of your dreams, morning after glorious morning.

Rooftop proposals.

I sigh and venture a look over at him. That smile still lingers on his lips, twenty minutes after our emotional encounter high above the streets of Chicago. His hair still carelessly mussed from the winds of the helicopter blades. His eyes stare straight ahead, transfixed on the road in front of us as we navigate our way through the drowsy streets of Chicago. Our silence is unmistakable… Knowing. Every now and then, our eyes will meet, and we'll share a look. We both know what the other one is thinking. Few words have been exchanged, but then again, that's not what this is about.

It's about what was said. And what was left unsaid.

I lean my head back against my seat and close my eyes, rewinding and playing the moment back in my mind one more time.

"You don't want me to love you."


" Can I decide that for myself?"

"Fine! Decide! What do you want?"

" What do I want? I want you to stop being so afraid!"

"I'm not afraid!"

"I want us to stop being so careful!"

"I'm just ..."

"I want to marry you!"

"What?"

Had I heard him right? I dared to believe it...

"I want to marry you!"

I smile to myself as I recall the sensation that overcame me as my mind confirmed what my heart had predicted. The first one had caught me off guard. The second sealed it. Still…

"Oh, you're proposing?"

Don't set yourself up, Abby.

"Yeah!"

"You're crazy!"

I thought I'd finished it. Had the last word. No one wants to marry your problems, Abby.

Of course, he had other intentions.

"Well, then I'll fit right in."

My eyes grew wide as the beating of the helicopter blades hung strongly in the air. I stared at him in disbelief for a moment, watching as that smile tickled its way across his lips. Was he laughing?

And it surprised me more when I realized that I was smiling right back at him.

I sighed and closed my eyes as his hand reached out to tuck a lock of stray hair behind my ear. When I opened them, his expression was different.

He was serious.

The intensity of the moment rose then, and it was all I could do to keep from looking away. I blinked once and swallowed my courage.

"Are you waiting for an answer?"

I wasn't sure he heard me, as a look of confusion washed over his face just then. Distraction came from the helicopter above us, as it signaled its departure into the night sky. He was quiet for a moment as he watched it go, before he turned back to face me, taking my hand in his.

"Let's go home."

I roll my head over the back of the seat again and watch Carter as he pulls into his parking stall behind his building. Turning off the ignition, he sighs heavily and looks over at me, still smiling. His eyes are bright and inviting. I reach over and take his cheek in my hand and for the second time that day, lean over and kiss him on the lips softly. I pull back, licking my lips.

"Thanks."

He raises his eyebrows playfully. "For what?" he inquires with that hint of innocence that only he can so expertly feign.

I shrug and lean back in my seat. "For everything." I lock eyes with his. "For today."

He doesn't say anything in response, but looks away, nodding.

I follow him out of the Jeep and up to his apartment, trailing no further than half a foot behind him. At one point, I reach out and grab his waist, pulling him to a stop. He looks over his shoulder, down at me, frowning.

"What is it?"

I open my mouth to answer but reconsider. I shake my head. "I need to call Maggie… She'll be worried."

He stares at me for a moment, trying to make something of my hesitation. He looks back at his apartment door, and then at me. A bemused smile creeps across his lips again. "You want to call out here in the hall… Or can you do it inside?"

I roll my eyes and smack him on the back, pushing him forward towards the door. As he fumbles for the keys in his pocket, I waste no time wrapping my arms around his torso. I pull myself to him, pressing my cheek against his jacket and close my eyes.

"Abby…"

"Am I distracting you?"

"No, I just…" He fits the right key in the lock and twists the knob, pushing the door open. Turning around in my embrace, he swings an arm across my shoulders and guides me into his apartment.

I reach over and flip the switch, revealing an abode that has been somewhat neglected over the past several months. It had been our custom, mostly due to convenience, for us to spend the night at my place, seeing as it was closer to both the El and County General. There had been instances, however, when we would spend an evening or two here, just for a change of scenery.

I'm aware of the figure standing in front of me, reaching to undo the buttons of my coat. I laugh lightly and push his hand away.

"You looked so deep in thought, I figured I'd help you out."

I shake my head. "You've done more than enough, today." I wink at him. "I think I can get this one."

He tips his head to the side as if to say "have it your way", before returning my laughter and unzipping his own jacket. I manage to remove my coat and scarf, which I hang in the closet beside the door and move into the living room. I turn on another lamp and survey the state of the apartment. Not bad for a place that has had more unoccupied nights than most rentals in Chicago.

His hands are on my shoulders, massaging them gently. He plants a small kiss on my head. "Are you hungry?"

I shake my head no as I reach for the phone. It's best not to put this off. I have a feeling she's expecting my return. Carter squeezes my shoulders tightly before releasing them and retreating into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" I hear him ask as I dial my phone number.

I bring the phone up to my ear as I connect. "No thanks."

He appears in the doorway to the kitchen and waves an almost empty satchel of coffee grinds in front of him.

"Good thing."

I smile and watch him retreat into the bedroom as I pace around the living room, waiting for an answer on the other line.

She picks up after three rings. "Hello?"

"Hey, Mom… It's me."

"Abby." Her voice sounds flat, deflated.

"Yeah."

"Where are you?"

I look around the apartment. "I'm at, umm… I'm at John's."

She sighs, disappointed. "I see."

Damn. I knew she was waiting up for me.

"Did anyone call?" I ask, attempting to change the subject.

Unfortunately, my tactic falls a bit short.

"Just the Chicago P.D., calling to tell you what we already know."

I shift my gaze down and bite my lip. "Right."

A few awkward seconds of silence pass between us. I roll my eyes and take a deep breath.

"Mom, I –"

She cuts me off. "Abby, look. I'm sorry."

I smile weakly. "So am I."

"Can we put this behind us?"

My smile fades as her question sinks in. I don't know… Can we?

I look at the floor. "No, Mom… I don't think we can."

Another sigh from Maggie, this one laced with sadness and exhaustion.

"I understand."

I nod a little. "You should get some sleep. It's been a long two days."

I can almost see her frown on the other end. "You're not coming home?"

I look up towards the hallway leading to the bedroom, watching the shadows of light cascade across the walls. I close my eyes, picturing the man in the next room, waiting for me.

I am home.

Home is wherever he is.

"No… I'm going to stay here tonight. Go ahead. Take my bed. You need your rest."

"Do you work tomorrow?"

"At ten… I'll stop by to change." I pause, and then add, "We'll have breakfast, okay?"

"I'd like that."

"Use all the locks." I advise, my overprotective nature slipping out for just a moment.

She seems to appreciate the concern. "I will."

"Night, Mom."

"Goodnight, Abby."

I hang up the phone and place it back on its receiver. I glance around the apartment one more time. I can't remember the last time we've come back to his place. It seems… Different. And yet, it's a welcome change.

After what just happened, it only seems natural that we'd be sleeping in the same bed tonight.

I make my way down the hallway and into the bedroom, where I find him standing in front of the armoire, clad only in a t-shirt and boxers, searching through drawers. I lean against the doorframe and take a moment to ponder his words to me on the rooftop.

"I want you to stop being so afraid. I want us to stop being so careful… I want to marry you."

"I want to marry you."

How many times have I dreamt of John Carter saying that to me? Granted, it wasn't as romantic as I'd pictured, but still…

He's asked me before. Those unsaid declarations. The way he can convey his intentions without saying anything at all.

Only I've never been able to answer him in quite the same way.

"What?"

I stand up straight and blink a few times to clear my head. "Excuse me?"

He gives me an odd look from across the room. "What's wrong? Did Maggie say something?"

I shake my head and enter the bedroom. "No… She's fine." I inhale deeply and try and put on my best fake smile. "We're having breakfast tomorrow."

He raises his eyebrows. "Oh? Well… Good."

I look down at the garments he has in his hands. "What are those?"

He follows my gaze. "I thought you might want these to sleep in."

I bite my lip and take the old Northwestern t-shirt from his hand. I toss it to the side, putting on my best seductive look.

"Who says I wanted something to sleep in?"

A faint hint of amusement flashes across his face. "You didn't hear it from me…."

I smile and turn around on my heel, heading into the bathroom, where I shed my scrubs, t-shirt, socks and underwear. I pluck his robe off the back of the door and drape it around my body, tying it loosely around my waist. Splashing cold water on my face, I look at myself in the mirror for the first time in what feels like ages.

I'm sorry Eric. I'm sorry I thought the worst, and never gave you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

I'm sorry I can't be the sister you need me to be.

I'm sorry, John. I'm sorry you had to fly all night and spend all day working just to be close to me. I'm sorry you found me like that this morning. I'm sorry I never thanked you sooner.

I'm sorry… I'm sorry I can't be a better person for you to love.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to keep the silent apologies from tearing me apart. Not tonight. I turn off the light and head back into the bedroom.

"I thought you didn't want anything to sleep in?" He inquires from his seated position on the bed.

I grin coyly and play with the tie around my waist. "Who says we're going to be sleeping?" I stop just in front of him and wrap my arms around his neck.

"Abby…"

"Shh…" I stop him with a finger to his lips. "No talking. Let's just see how this goes…"

***

I'm truly undeserving.

How else would you describe a woman who takes so much, but gives so little.

I gaze up at the man sleeping under me.

Undeserving doesn't begin to describe it.

I push myself off the mattress with reluctance, tearing myself away from the embrace of a man who has given me unconditional love. I sneak a peek over to the clock on the nightstand.

1:07 a.m.

February 14th, 2003.

Valentine's Day.

I look down again and trace a finger across his cheek. His muscles flinch at my touch.

Be mine, John Carter.

Pulling myself out of the bed, I shiver and reach for the robe on the floor and wrap it around my body. I pad my way through the darkness and into the front room where my bag sits. Picking it up, I sit down on the couch and flip on a lamp, partially illuminating the apartment with its warm, soothing glow.

I retrieve two items from my purse. A pen… And the spiral bound notebook I'd found buried in my underwear drawer less than twenty-four hours ago.

What a difference a day makes, I remark silently as I look down at the project that has been presented for me.

My eyes linger over the quote on the cover…

"Grow old with me, the best is yet to be."

How long have you been planning this, John? Why is it that things that seem so random suddenly make sense when I'm around you?

I open the notebook to the page on which he'd listed the first entry he wanted me to write…

Pivotal Moment #1. Valentine's Day 2000. The rooftop of County General Hospital.

I look at the clock on the wall, and think back to that fateful night. The night I found my soul mate in one instance, and nearly lost him in the next.

And the same night almost three years later, when I discovered him all over again.

And so, as the words start to tumble from my mind, I begin to write…

February 14th, 2003

Valentine's Day three years ago… A night I feel so compelled to block out of my memory, yet never want to forget.

I still remember her name. Connelly. Her husband had died only weeks before, and here she was, facing her last moments. She knew it was coming. It was peaceful. She was ready to face it. But I wasn't ready. Of all my hardships, death was not something I had seen a lot in the past. I was scared. I couldn't be sure if I was comfortable enough to handle something like this alone. But I wasn't alone. In more ways than one, Mrs. Connelly taught me about life, love and loss.

I could barely bring myself to pronounce her that night. I ached for the words she left by her bedside. A sentiment from her one and only who had preceded her: 'Be still my heart.' And eventually… It did.

And then… There you were.

When you found me that night, I was touched by your genuine nature. The way you sought me out, and even cared to bring me a cup of coffee. The way you stood before me. The way you smiled and said that I'd never get used to it… That feeling I got when I realized that I really belonged. I had a place. A purpose. What I did mattered.

I wasn't alone.

And neither were you.

The night came crashing down around you shortly afterwards. I can still remember the fear that came over me when I saw you on that gurney. Broken and bleeding. I tried for weeks afterwards to shake the image, but gave up. An event that monumental needs to be remembered. So we can go on. So we can appreciate life, savor it… We never know when the end will come. So we live in the moment.

But your heart would not be stilled. You weren't finished. There was so much more you had yet to do.

The last time we were up on that roof, things were different. For you. For me. For us. That night, it was about comfort. You came to me as a colleague… But you left as a friend.

Tonight, it was about so much more. Tonight you came as my lover, my savior. You came as the one person who can manage to make sense of this chaos. Or can you?

If I'm afraid, it's only because I don't know what's around the next corner. I inhale deeply, and keep my breath inside me. Afraid to exhale, for fear it may be my last. It could have just as easily been the other phone call, and I… I still wasn't ready.

I don't think I'll ever be ready.

And still, in the midst of my turmoil, there you stand. My beacon of hope. My inspiration. My reason to exhale. To give, even just a little. Just like that first night, you comforted me. That's what it's always been about... That night was the first step. Tonight was another first. Another moment in our journey together.

To say I'm not stunned by your declaration would be a lie. You've always managed to move me in the moments when I'm least expecting it. To captivate me with your words and your actions, as if your commitment and devotion know no bounds.

I want what you want, John. Very much. Yet, I'm not sure I can be the one to give it to you.

Because I may be the one you crave…

… But maybe I'm not the one you need.

And so, for now, I lock another memory away. Another moment to look back on, years down the road. Another pivotal moment in a lifetime of moments like it. Past, present, future.

Another something to hold on to.

Be still your heart, John.

For you have stilled mine.

I sigh and put down my pen, glancing over my written words before closing the book, tucking it back into my bag, flipping off the light, and tiptoeing back to the bedroom.

He groans a little as I peel back the bed sheet and crawl under the covers. I rest my head on the pillow next to him, draping my arm across his abdomen and snuggling closer to him. Closing my eyes, I wait for sleep to descend upon me again, as I think about where we are, and where we have yet to go.

Three years ago, you told me I wasn't alone. Tonight you renewed that vow.

And one day soon, I will return it.

I only hope that when I do, I'm not too late.

***