Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters.  This is a non-profit fanfic written by a fan for the enjoyment of other fans.

Note: Remus/Sirius pairing

Too Painful to Bear

By Yukirei

            He had mentioned this to Sirius only once.  It was on one of the rare occasions when he was free since Dumbledore had reorganised the Order of the Phoenix.  Normally, Remus would be away from 12 Grimmauld Place for long periods of time on some business or other for the Order.  But that evening, he and Sirius had the house all to themselves - besides Kreacher that is.  Though, a spell had already been placed on the door to Sirius' bedroom and Kreacher would not have been able to intrude even if he had wanted to.

            His arm wrapped around the slender body of Sirius, Remus absent-mindedly stroked the long dark hair of the head that rested upon his chest.  A slight smile was on Sirius' lips, something that Remus was glad to see.  It ached his heart so badly to see how upset Sirius was feeling about being trapped in his old house.  He wished he could do something about it, to give Sirius the freedom that he yearned for.  How he wished he could!  But there didn't seem to be anything that could be done at this point of time.  Nothing that would not endanger Sirius' life.

            Though neither Remus nor Sirius said a word, the silence was not an uncomfortable one.  Both appreciated the other's presence.  Both were contented to sit on the couch in Sirius' bedroom, so close to each other as they were, in each other's arms.  For these moments were precious.  If they got their wish, it would have lasted an eternity.

            "Sirius?" Remus said tenderly, breaking the silence.

            "Hmm?"

            "A witch once told me about our previous lives."

            "What did she say?" Sirius asked, looking up at Remus, his tone sceptical but not without interest.

            "We were both females - "

            Sirius snorted.

            "And were deeply in love."

            There was a pause.

            Then Sirius looked away.  "Oh really?" He said lazily as he laid his head on Remus' chest again.

            Anyone who did not know Sirius well would have thought that he had just expressed his disbelief and lack of interest in the subject.  But Remus had caught a look in Sirius' eyes just before he turned away - one that told him that Sirius was pleased.

            "And your previous self had said to mine," Remus continued in a softer tone.  "That she wished to die before her.  Because losing my previous self would have been too painful for her to bear."  Remus lowered his head to kiss the ebony hair of the man in his arms.  "And I feel the same way."

            Sirius jerked his head back.  The top of his head slammed into Remus' chin.  Remus' hand flew to his chin to relieve the throbbing pain.  Sirius was staring at him, Remus noticed as he rubbed his chin.  The whole situation would have been funny, if the look in Sirius' eyes had not been so intense.

            "Then I would rather outlive you!" Sirius burst out fiercely.

            Remus stared back into Sirius' eyes, surprised; pain momentarily forgotten, hand paused in mid-massage.  A strong image was suddenly pulled out of his mind's drawer of memories - that of an innocent twelve-year-old Sirius on the night when he had confronted Remus about being a werewolf.

            "I may not be completely without fear.  But I would rather die being your friend!"

            Remus felt his heart wanting to burst.  Sirius, despite all he had been through, had not change.  He knew what Sirius meant.  It was not merely about wanting to fulfil Remus' wish; but rather, Remus saw as he looked into those blue eyes, Sirius wanted to protect him from the anguish he had said he would have felt otherwise.  Even if it meant suffering the agony of losing his beloved himself.

            The hand on Remus' chin moved to cup the side of Sirius' face.  Sirius blinked upon the contact, as if having been suddenly tugged out of a dream.  Pushing aside the pain that was still attacking his chin, Remus leant forward and pressed his lips gently against Sirius'. 

            Sirius responded to his kiss. 

            Spoken words could not express how he felt, but Remus knew… that Sirius understood.

A/N:

Thank you for reading.  ^^ Do review.

Added on 29th August:

Thanks to all my reviewers.  ^^ I'm happy that people enjoyed this.

To answer Nat:  I guess you can say that this is a flashback of a scene that takes place in the middle of OotP.  (The weird starting is actually because this was originally meant to be the middle of a fic I scraped and I didn't have the sense to check if it needed editing when I took it out. ^^; And then after that, I felt that I prefer it this way. ^^;; ) As for the "whole reincarnation thing", it was just an idea that popped into my mind.  ^_~  Remus and Sirius fated to be together across lifetimes and all.