Chris: Yo! We're coming at you live from Camp Wawanakwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario. I'm your host, Chris Mclean. Dropping season one of the hottest new reality show on television, right now! Here's the deal, 22 teens have signed up to spend eight weeks right here at this crummy old summer camp. They'll compete in challenges against each other. Then have to face the judgment of their fellow campers. Every three days, one team will either win a reward or watch one of their team members walk down the dock of shame. Take a ride on the loser boat and leave Total Cartoon Drama Island, for good. Their fate will be decided here, at the dramatic campfire ceremonies where each week, all but one camper will receive a marshmallow. In the end, only one will be left standing and will be rewarded with cheesy tabloid fame and a small fortune, which let's face it, they'll probably blow in a week. To survive, they'll have to battle. Black Flies. Grizzly bears. Disgusting camp food! And each other. Every moment will be caught on one of the hundreds of cameras situated all over the camp. Who will crumble under the pressure? Find out here right now on... Total! Drama! Island!
(Theme song)
Chris: Welcome back to Total Drama Island, all right, it's time to meet our first 11 campers, we told them they'd all be staying at this five-star resort so, if they seemed a little T.O.-ed, that's probably why. (Beth arrives) Beth, what's up? (Beth arrives and hugs Chris)
Beth: It's so incredulous to meet you. Wow, you're much shorter in real life. (She waves at the audience)
Chris: Uh, thanks. (DJ arrives) DJ.
DJ: Yo, Chris McLean, how's it going? Hey, you sure you got the right place here? Where's the hot tub at?
Chris: Yo, dawg, this is it, Camp Wawanakwa.
(DJ lifts his luggage, he does not look happy)
DJ: Hmph, looked a lot different on the application form.
(Gwen arrives)
Chris: Hey, Gwen.
Gwen: You mean we're staying here?
Chris: No, you're staying here, my crib is an airstream with AC that-a-way.
Gwen: I did not sign up for this.
Chris: Actually, you did. (Gwen rips her contract and smiles gladfully) The great thing about lawyers is they make lots of copies.
Gwen: I am not staying here.
Chris: Cool, I hope you can swim through, (Gwen's boat leaves) because your ride just left. (Gwen's boat honks)
Gwen: Jerk.
(Geoff arrives, party music plays, his boat leaves)
Geoff: Chris McLean! 'Sup, man! It's an honor to meet you, man!
Chris: The Geoff-Ster, welcome to the island, man.
Geoff: Thanks, man.
Gwen: They say "man" one more time, I'm gonna puke.
(Chris and Geoff high five)
Chris: Everybody, this is Lindsay. (Pop music plays while Lindsay is introduced) Not too shabby.
Lindsay: Hiiii! Okay, you look so familiar.
Chris: I'm Chris McLean. (Lindsay looks confused) The host of the show.
Lindsay: Oh, so that's where I know you from.
Chris: Uh, yeah. (Heather arrives, with sunglasses on, she gives a look on the contestants) Heather.
Beth: (Runs to Heather) Hi, looks like we're your new friends (She spits saliva due to having braces, Heather looks disgusted) for the next eight weeks.
(Duncan arrives. He doesn't look happy.)
Chris: Duncan, dude.
Duncan: I don't like surprises.
Chris: Yeah, your parole officer warned me about that, man, he also told me to give him a holler any time and have you return to juvie.
Duncan: (Sniffs) Okay, then. Meet you at the campfire, gorgeous.
Heather: Drop dead you skeez. I'm calling my parents, you cannot make me stay here.
(Chris holds up Heather's contract)
(A horn honks. Tyler is water-skiing)
Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, Tyler! (Tyler slips and flies over the contestants, he bumps into the luggage)
Beth/DJ/Gwen: Ooh!
(A luggage flips and splashes into the water which makes Heather's hair wet)
Heather: Uhh, my shoes!
Chris: Wicked wipeout, man!
(Tyler's hand comes out of the luggage and gives a thumbs up to Chris. DJ and Geoff also give a thumbs up, Gwen crosses her arms)
(Chris giggles quietly)
(Harold arrives, with a keyboard, breathes loudly)
Chris: Welcome to camp, Harold.
Beth: What's he looking at?
Harold: So you mean this show is at a yucky summer camp and not on some big stage or something?
Chris: You got it.
Harold: Yes! That is so much more favorable to my skills.
(Chris shudders)
(Harold stands beside Geoff and Gwen, which she is not happy)
Chris: Contestant number nine is Trent.
Trent: Hey, good to meet you, man, saw you on that figure skating show, nice work, man.
Chris: Hey, thanks, man, I knew I rocked that show!
Beth: I saw that one of the guys dropped his partner on her head, though they got immunity that week.
Harold: Lucky, I hope I get dropped on my head.
Lindsay: Me too!
Trent: So, this is it? (Heather squishes her hair, Harold picks his nose) All right then. (Harold continues picking his nose, Trent smiles at Gwen, guitar music plays. Gwen looks away from him, Gwen smiles at him)
(Bridgette arrives with her surfboard)
Bridgette: Hey, what's up?
Chris: Our surf chick, Bridgette is here.
Duncan: (Scoffs) Nice board, this ain't Malibu, honey.
Bridgette: I thought we were going to be on the beach.
Chris: We are.
(A seagull with plastic on his neck gets waved by the waves)
Bridgette: (Sighs) (Sarcastic) Great.
Chris: All right, that makes-
(Bridgette hits Chris with her surfboard)
Chris: Ow! Darn it, that hurts!
Bridgette: Hey, guys.
Geoff: Hey, I'm Geoff.
Bridgette: (Almost knocks the boys while the boys duck down trying to avoid getting hit) What's up?
Harold: Dang, watch the board, man!
Beth: Hi, I'm Beth.
Bridgette: (Once again she almost knocks the boys while the boys duck down trying to avoid getting hit) Hey.
Heather: Okay, we've met Surfer Girl, can we get on the show, please?
Duncan: Someone missed their cappuccino macchiato this morning.
Heather: Get bent.
(Noah arrives)
Chris: Our next camper is Noah.
Noah: You got my memo about my life-threatening allergies?
Chris: Sure, someone did.
Noah: Good, is this where we're staying?
Duncan: It's your mother's house and we're throwing a party
Noah: Cute, nice piercings, original, do them yourself?
Duncan: (Grabs Noah's lips and pulls out a needle) Yeah, you want one?
Noah: Uh, no thanks, can I have my lips back? (Duncan lets go of Noah's lips) Thanks.
(Leshawna arrives while waving)
Leshawna: What's up, y'all, Leshawna's in the house.
(Harold gasps)
Leshawna: Yo, baby, hey how you doing? How's it going? (She and Chris high five) Feel free to quit now, save yourself the trouble 'cause I came to win! Oh what's up, my brother? (She and DJ high five) Give me some sugar, baby!
Harold: I've never seen a girl like you before.
Leshawna: Excuse me?
Harold: You're really big...and loud.
Leshawna: (angry) WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME, OH NO YOU DIDN'T! (Gwen and Trent look shocked) YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ANYTHING YET! (Harold defends himself with some of his karate skills, Bridgette and DJ try to stop her) I'LL SHOW YOU BIG, BABY! (Harold makes karate sounds while karate music is heard in the background) OH YEAH, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? WELL, COME ON THEN!
Chris: All right, campers, settle down! (Leshawna calms down, Harold smiles at her, Katie and Sadie arrive) Ladies, Sadie, Katie, welcome to your new home for eight weeks.
(The scene shows a crummy old cabin house where flies are heard buzzing)
Katie: Oh my gosh, Sadie, look, it's a summer camp!
Sadie: Okay, I always wanted to go to a summer camp. Eeeeeee! (The girls grab their bags and run happily)
(Chris looks unsure)
(Ezekiel arrives)
Chris: Ezekiel! What's up, man!
Ezekiel: (points up) I think I see a bird.
(Trent laughs)
Chris: Okay, look, dude, I know you don't get out much, been homeschooled your whole life raised by freaky prairie people, just don't say much and try not to get kicked off too early, okay.
Ezekiel: Yes, sir.
Gwen: That's just...Wow.
(Cody arrives)
Chris: Cody, the coaster, the Code-Meister! (He and Cody high five)
Cody: Dude psyched to be here, man, I see ladies have already arrived, all right.
(Cody tries to say something to Leshawna, but Leshawna pauses him)
Leshawna: Save it, short stuff.
(Eva arrives)
Chris: Eva. Nice, glad you could make it.
(Cody tries to high-five Eva, but Eva's bag drops on Cody's foot)
Cody: Ow, what's in there, dumbbells?
Eva: Yes.
Duncan: She's all yours, man.
Owen: Wooooooooooohooooooooooooo! Chris! What's happenin'?! (laughs) This is awesome! Woooooohoooo!
Chris: Owen! Welcome!
Owen: (Hugs and squishes Chris) Awesome to be here, man! Man, this is so...
Gwen: Awesome?
Owen: Yes! Awesome, woohoo! Are you going to be on my team?
Gwen: I sure hope so.
Owen: Woooooooo!
Chris: You about finished?
Owen: Sorry, dude, I'm just so psyched!
Chris: Cool, and here comes Courtney.
(Courtney arrives and waves, Chris gives her a hand)
Courtney: Thanks. (Owen walks and stops) Hi, you must be the other contestants, It's really nice to meet you all.
Owen: (Shakes Courtney's hand) How's it going? I'm Owen.
Courtney: Nice to meet you... ohhhh wow.
(Justin with pretty looks arrives)
(Everyone reacts to Justin. Justin smiles at the audience. Sadie faints, Eva swoons)
Chris: Everyone, this is Justin. Welcome to Total Drama Island. (He and Justin fist bump)
Justin: Thanks, Chris, this is great.
Chris: Just so you know we picked you based entirely on looks.
Justin: I can deal with that. (Walks to the dock)
Owen: I like your pants.
Justin: Thanks, man.
Owen: Cause they look like they're all worn out (laughs) did you buy them like that?
(Everyone stares at Justin swooning)
Justin: Uh, no, just had them for a while.
Owen: Oh, cool. (Smacks his forehead) Stupid!
(Izzy is on her boat)
Chris: Hey, everyone, Izzy!
Izzy: Hi, Chris! Hi! Whoa! (she trips and hits her chin on the dock)
Tyler: Oooooh, that was bad. (Laughs)
(Courtney runs to Help Izzy)
Courtney: Guys, she could be seriously hurt! (She helps Izzy up)
Izzy: (Shakes her hair to wipe her hair) That felt so good, except for hitting my chin This is summer camp? This is so cool, do you have paper Mache? Are we having lunch soon?
Owen: That is a good call!
Chris: First things first, we need a group photo for the promos, everyone on the end of the dock. (The twenty-two contestants walk there. Chris jumps onto the boat) One, two, three... (a snap sound is heard) forgot the lens cap. (he puts the lens cap on) Okay, hold that pose. One, tw- Oh no, wait, cards full. Hang on.
Leshawna: (rolls her eyes) Come on, man, my face is starting to freeze.
Chris: Got it. Okay, everyone say, "Wawanakwa!"
Campers: Wawanakwa. (Suddenly, the dock collapses, the picture is taken, the picture shows the campers almost drowning and swimming for their life)
Chris: Okay, guys, dry off and meet at the campfire pit in ten. (The screen goes black. The episode continues where Chris and the campers are at the campfire pit) This is Camp Wawanakwa, your home for the next eight weeks. The campers sitting around you will be your cabin mates, your competition, and maybe even your friends you dig. (Harold smiles at Duncan. Duncan threatens Harold) The camper who manages to stay on Total Drama Island the longest without getting voted off will win $100,000!
Duncan: Excuse me? What will the sleeping arrangements be? Because I'd like to request a bunk under her.
Heather: They're not co-ed, are they?
Chris: Noooo. Girls get one side of each cabin and dudes gets the other one.
Lindsay: Excuse me, Kyle. Can I have a cabin with the lake view since I'm the prettiest?
Chris: Okay, you are. But that's not really how it works here and it's Chris.
Katie: I have to live with Sadie or, I'll die.
Sadie: And I'll break out in hives. It's true.
Gwen: This cannot be happening.
Owen: Awww come on guys! It'll be fun, it's like a big sleepover!
Tyler: At least you don't have to sleep next to him.
(Rock music plays, Duncan roughly gives a noogie to a deer. Gwen and Tyler look at each other confused)
Chris: Here's the deal. We're gonna split you into two teams if I call your name out go stand over there. Gwen, Trent, Heather, Cody, Lindsay, Beth, Izzy, Owen, Leshawna, Justin, and Noah. From this moment on, you are officially known as, (a logo shows a gopher screaming like in a boxing match) the Screaming Gophers!
Owen: Yeah! I'm a gopher! Woooo!
Chris: The rest of you over here. Geoff, Bridgette, D.J, Tyler, Sadie, Katie, Courtney, Ezekiel, Duncan, Eva, and Harold. Move, move, move! (They do so) You guys will officially be known as (a logo shows an angry bass) the Killer Bass!
Harold: Awesome! It's like... Amazing.
Chris: All right, campers, you and your team will be on camera in all public areas during this competition. (Static buzzing, in the confessional for the first time) You will also be able to share your innermost thoughts on tape with video diaries anytime you want. Let the audience at home know what you're really thinking. Or just get something off your chest.
Confessional: Gwen
Gwen: Um, okay... So far this stinks.
Confessional: Lindsay
Lindsay: (in the confessional, facing the other way) Um, I don't get it. Where's the camera guy?
Confessional: Owen
Owen: Hey everyone. Check this out. I have something very important to say. (farts) (laughs)
Confessional ends
Chris: All right. Any questions? (Everyone raises their hands) Cool. Let's find your cabins. Gophers, you're in the east cabin. Bass, you're in the west.
(Cuts to the inside of the girls' cabin)
Heather: Bunk Beds? Isn't that a little summer camp?
Gwen: That's the idea, genius
Heather: Shut up, weird goth girl
Cody: You're so smart, I feel that
Gwen: Should you be on the boy's side?!
Cody: AAH!
(Cody flies from the girls' cabin, he is thrown by Gwen off-screen, a loud crash is heard)
Lindsay: Where are the outlets? I have to plug in my straightening iron.
Chris: There are some in the communal bathrooms. Just across the way.
Lindsay: Communal bathrooms. Oh I'm not Catholic
Chris: Not Communion, Communal
Gwen: It means we shower together, idiot.
(Lindsay complains. Gwen covers her ears.)
Owen: I'm glad we're in our own cabin with just guys. Know what I mean? (Laughs. Noah and Trent look annoyed by this, crickets chirp in the background) I mean no! I didn't mean it like that! I love chicks. (Laughs) I just don't wanna sleep near them. (Incoherent noises) I mean...
Geoff: Excuse me, Chris? Is there, uh, a chaperone of any kind in this facility here?
Chris: You're all 16 years old, as old as a counselor in training at a regular summer camp. So other than myself. You'll be unsupervised. You've got half an hour to unpack and meet me back at the main lodge, starting now.
Geoff: Nice!
(Lindsay screams from a cockroach)
Leshawna: Man that white girl can scream.
Lindsay: What is it? Kill it, kill it!
(DJ gasps then screams like a girl. DJ shudders)
Gwen: That... Was my bed.
(The campers scream and attempt to squish it)
(Duncan raises an ax)
Cockroach: Help me.
Gwen: Well, that's one way to kill a cockroach.
Harold: Awesome.
Tyler: If you ever see one of those again, just let me know, 'kay? Cause, (He sniffs) you know, I can do that too.
(Lindsay and Tyler smile at each other)
Duncan: (Scoffs) They always go for the jocks.
(Scene cuts to the campers inside the cafeteria where the cook named Chef Hatchet is serving lunch to the campers)
Chef: Listen up! I serve it three times a day and you'll eat it three times a day! Grab a tray, get your food, and sit your butts down NOW!
Beth: Excuse me, but will we be getting all the major food groups?
Harold: Yeah, cause I get hypoglycemic real bad if I don't get enough sugar.
Chef: You'll get, sit your butt down!
Owen: Have a cow.
Chef: What was that?! (Silence) Come closer, fat boy! I didn't hear you!
Owen: Oh, I didn't really say anything important.
Chef: I'm sure you didn't! You! Scrawny kid, give me your plate.
Leshawna: Yo, what's up girl? (Eva blinks at her and leaves) Oh, it's gonna be like that, is it?
Chef: Next!
Lindsay: Excuse me my nutritionist says I shouldn't eat any white sugar, white flour, or like dairy.
(Chef crunches a fly)
Gwen: I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
(The sandwich moves)
Lindsay: Cool. (Leaves)
Gwen: Okay, I hate to be predictable and complain on the first day but I think mine just moved.
(Chef slams down a hammer on it)
Gwen: Right! Okay, then.
(Something slithers)
Chris: Welcome to the Main Lodge!
Geoff: Yo, my man. Can we order a pizza? (Chef throws a cleaver) Whoa! Its' cool G! Brown slop is cool! (laughs nervously) Right guys?
(Campers nod in agreement)
Chris: Your first challenge begins, in one hour!
Katie: What do you think they'll make us do!
DJ: It's our first challenge, how hard can it be?
(The scene shows the campers on the cliff, looking nervous.)
DJ: Oh sh**!
I hope you enjoy my take on Total drama. Also, happy new year.