And Then, We Die

by Ihateeveryone24

Bella struggles to move on after Edward’s disappearance. He was supposed to be her forever. Now, she has to live her life without him and slowly descends into madness…or does she? Bella/Edward pairing. Book 2 posted as Chapter 2. TW: Loss, suicide attempts, recreational drugs and alcohol, sex, etc. Cross posted.

1. Book One

TW: This story has talks of suicide, depression, and loss of a loved one.*

Not everyone has experienced a loss of someone they thought they would have more time with. Remember that reading anything of the sort can be triggering to any degree. Give yourself grace, and don't feel any guilt for your feelings or how you choose to process them. All of your feelings are vital, and valid to who you are.*

This is a Bella only POV. You might not like her too much, she is OOC. I myself have a love hate relationship with her.*

I don't own anything of Stephanie Meyer's universe. This is for fun, and to create my creative flow so I can finish writing my own original material. This is the stomping ground in my mind. The place where I am safe from reality and can create what I want. If you don't like it, cool beans.

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And Then, We Die

Edward,

Losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Without your weight in my life, I feel like a balloon that is drifting alone in the sky. I've never had anyone like you. Not ever.

You've been my best friend, and so much more. I miss you.

Bella

I folded the paper into my hand, small enough to fit in my palm. Like I had done a thousand times. Now, it was warm and worn. I could feel the fibers of the paper breaking through, making it almost fuzzy. That was because of the tears that dripped from my face. They never stopped.

I wouldn't have gone up in front of everyone if it wasn't for him. For everything he was to me. He would have felt upset if I hadn't. Not in a way like he was angry. But in the way that he would give me a smirk, a sad one. One that said he knew that I was hurting, and wanted to take it away but couldn't.

"You did good, kid." I felt Charlie's hand slap me on the shoulder and squeeze.

"Thanks." I couldn't look up. Couldn't face his sadness. He loved Edward like a son. Everyone had.

Growing up without parents had been tough on Edward. He used to tell me about the foster homes he had been in before he came to Forks. They sounded terrible.

He was lucky enough to be adopted by a nice old lady named Jene. She took him in at 12, saving him from those terrible places.

When he was 13, he was caught by Charlie stealing at the market. He stole Charlie's heart of course. With all of his charisma.

It wasn't too long before he brought him over to hang out with me and Jake on a baseball game night. Turns out, they were never too fond of eachother. Not at first. They always had a love-hate relationship. Always competitive.

That never stopped, not even when Jake said he loved me. Not when Edward said he loved me. Not when I chose Edward.

But, we were all still kids then. So much time to spend with one another, and I feel like I never absorbed it the way I should have. So many regrets.

Now, I sat alone. In a folding metal chair. Looking over the flowered, but empty casket of my one true love.

My soulmate.

Let me die here. Please.

Before

Edward*

My 18th birthday. I woke up excited, and yet still dreading it. Things had been strange as of late, and I felt the changes of my life coming on too fast. I didn't want to grow up.

I yanked on my clothes, barely looking in the mirror before I went downstairs. Charlie was waiting up for me, his uniform was wrinkled and worn. He always insisted on doing his own laundry. I didn't mind, but he never cared about looking a bit disheveled so it didn't really matter to me.

"Happy Birthday…" he called as I descended the stairs. I threw my best faux smile on.

There were two gifts sitting on the table. One was wrapped, and the other was a digital camera with a pink satin bow on the top.

"I thought we agreed on no presents?" I asked, raising a dubious brow.

He shrugged, " guess I forgot."

I picked them up, unwrapping the big square. It was a scrapbook.

"Your mother and I coordinated on that one." He sipped his coffee, setting it down. "Well, more like she coordinated me. But, I still picked it out. And the scrapbook. Like it?"

My eyes blurred for a minute, and I swallowed the emotion. Charlie didn't know what to do when I cried most of the time. "I love them, dad." I beamed at him. He was kind, and thoughtful. As always, he never let me down.

"You know you don't have to give her all the credit. I know she didn't remember. I haven't heard from her since the end of junior year."

He didn't say anything back to me. The corners of his eyes wrinkled in a tight smile over the rim of his mug.

Saying anything against Renee was forbidden in the household. More like, he just didn't want to talk about it at all. After she left, everything shifted. He grew more tense, and never wanted to discuss her. It was depressing. Mostly because I missed her just as much as him, and I don't think he realized that.

Charlie interrupted my thoughts. "Edward called. Twice. He's going to be here soon, so you better get ready for him. He's extra energized today, as you know I'm sure."

I giggled, turning to skip up the stairs before he gave me another lecture on "stayin' outta deep shit." As he would phrase it.

I put my stuff down with only just enough time before Charlie started hollering at me that Edward was here. I heard the familiar frantic honks of his horn as he waited. He would start the second he pulled in, and wouldn't stop until I was within view. He never cared what the neighbors thought, even though they frequently begged him for silence. He would always just flash them a smile, maybe wink. And most of all, completely ignore them.

I sprinted down the stairs, purse and camera in hand.

"Woah, woah there kiddo." Charlie held up his hands, blocking me from the door. Edward's honking grew incessant. "Dad…" I whined at him with pleading eyes. He rolled his, and opened the door waving out to Edward.

"Give us a minute!" He hollered before turning to me with stern eyes. "Alright. No drugs, drinking, smoking, vandalization, pranks, challenges, and don't terrorize the Mrs. Newton. If I get one single call about you loud mouthing about her or what not, you're grounded. Kay?"

I nodded, giving my best serious face and trying to contain my bubbling excitement. I could see Edward standing outside of his car right over Charlie's shoulder.

I couldn't tear my eyes off of him. "Bye dad!" I said, thoughtless. I brushed past him, beaming up at Edward.

Good god he was gorgeous. His tousled auburn hair, his perfect green eyes… they were emeralds cut with perfect precision that sent my stomach to my feet. I loved him.

He cupped his hands around his mouth, magnifying his voice. "It's my beautiful woman! Everyone, look! My beautiful girlfriend, it's her birthday!"

I hid my face in a curtain of my hair from the embarrassment.

I saw his shoes approach my field of vision, and his hand reached under my chin. Butterflies erupted inside of me. He watched my face with a happy, careful expression. His hands cradled my face. Sunbeams ricocheted off of his hair, making him look like an angel. My angel.

He leaned down to my ear. "You are so beautiful it steals my breath every time I see you. Happy birthday my love."

I turned my face, my lips searching for his. They met with crushing intensity. It never got old, how we were. I could have stayed just like this for days. His body melted into mine, never letting a single second pass where we were apart. He tasted like honey and rose petals, his breath hot on my skin. His lips were tender, and supple.

We broke apart, gasping for air. It was the same every time. My eyes took a minute to focus before I could see his awed face.

Yeah, maybe it was cheesy. Too much. But it was us.

Edward let go of me, dragging me by the arm to the car. "I have so much planned for us today. So much."

I groaned a little. "Hopefully not too much. You remember what happened last time right?"

He turned the ignition, nodding with thought. "Yeah, yeah. I remember I swear." He smiled at me again, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before setting off.

We went to the diner for strawberry stuffed waffles. Then, we set off for Port Angeles where we went to the bookstore. Edward said I needed "variety" so he set off on a personal mission to find me two books. One was a small book about musical theory (his favorite), and the other was a cookbook. Apparently, my cooking needs variety too.

These books were Edward's fun gifts, as he put it. He took me to our favorite spot in the woods, just off of the hiking trail.

"These are the more serious gifts." He said to me, winking over his shoulder.

He looked so relaxed and strong in the woods. I always envied his agility when it came to this hobby. In the end it was worth it to be able to just stare at him the whole time.

We laid down our blanket in the center of the meadow. It was decorated with beautiful wildflowers, and plants alike.

This place was magical, and we agreed that since the first time we found it.

We were only 13 years old when we found this place on a hike with Charlie. Ever since, we visited here with Jake throughout the years, and then just us once Jake didn't want to be around anymore.

That still stung my heart a bit, even years later.

I watched the clouds float through the sky, fluffy as cotton candy. Today was perfect.

"Bella. I need to talk to you about something. It's…one of your gifts."

I sat up on my elbows, squinting over at him. "What?"

He shifted, uncomfortable. His hand rubbed anxiously around the back of his neck.

"I-I uh, I feel nervous." He chuckled.

I raised an apprehensive brow. "About…"

He ran his hands through his hair, it billowing into his eyes. He sat up on his knees, reaching into his back pocket. I sat up all the way.

He pulled a small black, velvet box. It sat in the perfect center of his palm as he opened the lid.

Inside sat a dainty ring with one circular diamond with leaves weaving around it. My heart thundered in my ears. It was beautiful. Tears spilled over my eyes.

He loved me this much? Was this even real?

"Bella… I know we are young. I know that you might not want me forever, but I decided that I do. I want you forever, and nothing will ever change that. You've made me happier in the years that we've been close than I've ever felt before. You are my one true home.

Will you do me the honor of being my wife? I will cherish you from the moment your eyes open and even after they close, I swear it."

I gulped my tears down, trying to find the way to say yes from the rooftops.

"Yes—" I sobbed, my voice breaking down. He was everything I could have ever wanted in my whole life. I didn't care how long we were married, or if we ever did get married. I just wanted to be with him. 6 years of friendship, and 2 years of dating wasn't enough.

It would never be enough time with him.

I watched the ring sparkle in the light in the meadow as we talked about our plans after school. We skipped today. And I'm sure Charlie was going to flip out when I came home not only having missed the day, but now engaged.

Engaged.

My heart fluttered at the word. I never thought I wanted to be married until I had been with Edward. My parents divorce had been rough, and left me alone. I thought that's just how love was. I learned that wasn't how it always had to be. Love was full and beautiful.

We would never be like Renee and Charlie. Renee and I were complete opposites. So that gave me even more hope that things would be okay.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked me with a dreamy voice, his hands combing through my hair while we laid together.

I rested against his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat beneath me. "Mm. Lots of things. Like, how are we going to tell Charlie?"

His deep chuckle resonated through my body. "I imagine it will be quite easy. We don't have to get married any time soon. I mean that. It could be years before we decide. I just…I just need to know you're mine. Okay?"

I nodded, at a loss for words.

Things were changing, I was right.

Jake*

"You're marrying him?" Jake shook with anger. His entire body trembled like a dangerous earthquake.

We tried to keep the secret for months. I didn't want to hurt him any more than we already had. That was until Charlie let it slip to Billy. Then it was all over town in an instant.

Jake ignored me for weeks as I tried to reach out. Still trying to see my best friend. He didn't want to talk. Billy said he got sick with Mono too, so I couldn't visit.

I decided to go today, after too long of waiting to talk to him in person.

I knew it was rude to show up unannounced to someone's house, but I needed to see Jake. Even for a few minutes. It was selfish, I knew that. I needed to know he was okay with it.

He ducked through the front door of his home, coming out to meet me. I jumped back at his stature. He was huge, and ripped with muscle from head to toe. When I looked at his face…he looked hardened, and sharp. No longer was my soft, light Jacob. Something had happened that turned the light off, and left him in the dark.

"Yes." The answer blew out of me like the wind. I felt gut-punched by his face.

It was…grieving. Sad. Worn.

My brain couldn't understand how that had happened so fast. Had I been so selfish and wrapped into my life with Edward that I forgot my friend? I felt my hands reach out on instinct to hug him. He pushed me away.

"You're only 18. You can't possibly know what you want." He turned around, running a hand over his face with stress.

"I know. So are you. So is Edward. It won't be for years…we just want to be tied together in some way. He's my life raft." I tried to explain.

"And what about your friend, yeah? What about your best friend who has been there since before we could remember. Your ex-lover. Years before Edward came into the picture. What about the life raft me and you created together? Did anything I said last year sink in for you?"

I closed my eyes, the memories flashing by. Jake had admitted he loved me during our summer camping trip all together. Right in front of Edward after one too many drinks. He also decided that was the perfect time to tell Edward about us hooking up when I was 16, right before Edward and I started dating. It was mortifying. Most of all because it hurt Edward, and I should have told him. I made mistakes, and now I had to pay for them. Jake being the last of them. He still hated me for that, and for good reason.

"I'm sorry. Yes, What you said did sink in. I know what I did was terrible, and that I hurt you. I'm so sorry Jake. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought we had moved on—"

"No Bella, you moved on. I never have. I've loved you my whole life and still…after all of this my heart still pounds when I see you. But, it's not safe for you anymore. At least not with me. Edward is better for you in that way, so I guess I will have to get used to it."

"In what way is Edward better for me? What do you mean?" I asked, curious.

He gave me a sour look. "Nothing, Bella." He sighed, shutting his eyes tight. "Listen, can you just…leave me alone. Let me heal. I'm not safe to be around anyone for a while, and I just want to be alone."

Tears stung my eyes, dripping onto my cheeks. He had never been so mean to me. All the light was gone in his gaze. I wiped my nose, nodding. "Kay. If that's what you want. I'll always save a spot for you Jacob Black. That spot in my heart and mind will never get smaller or go away. So if you ever do heal and you…you want to come back to us. We will be here. Arms welcome and open."

I waited one more second before turning my back and walking back to the truck. When I looked back, he was gone.

I drove straight to Edward's house. It was next to the Weber family. Angela and Edward had been school acquaintances, but she never did seem to like me very much. I think it was just because she was friends with Jessica, who had a crush on Edward. If she wasn't friends with her, I'd like to think that we would all get along.

Edward came bounding down the steps, glancing back at his door with an expression that looked…well, I didn't know. Sad, I guess.

He gave a deep sigh when he climbed into seats, moving close to me and leaning his head against the back window.

"You ok?" I asked.

He didn't respond for a minute. He lifted his head, giving me a bright smile and a wink. "I'm great. Just tired. How are you?"

"Just saw Jake."

His smile faded, eyes narrowed. "And what did he have to say?"

I tried to push the emotions far away from me, but couldn't. My voice cracked, betraying me. "No…Edward, he looked so mad. He looked hurt. He said he never wanted to see me again." I folded my arms around myself. I felt his arm relax over my shoulder.

"He didn't mean it, love. I promise." I nodded. Jake would come around, I was sure of it.

"Okay, where are we off to tonight?" I asked, pushing the lump in my throat down.

"Anywhere. But I need to be back by 11 to check on Jene."

Edward*

I checked my watch for the fourth time. Late.

It was our graduation. Edward swore that he would be here ten minutes early. It was now fifteen minutes past, and we were going to walk soon. But I wouldn't walk without him.

Charlie strolled over to me, frowning at my expression. He was suspicious, and I didn't need to say anything for him to know that I was too.

Edward was never late.

I had noticed that he seemed to be a bit withdrawn the past few weeks. He said Jene has needed a lot of help with her health. I believed him, of course. But I missed him. Missed having time with him.

"You gonna go in there?" He said.

I shook my head. "Nope. Not without Edward. We promised."

Right as the words left my mouth, I heard the incessant honking coming from down the street.

"See! I told you." I smirked in victory as Edward came racing into the lot, parking himself right in front of the stairs that led to the school.

"Edward, that's not legal. I am still a cop, you know." He glared at him, but I saw the smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

I ran past him, grabbing Edward's hand and barreling into the line of graduates waiting to enter the gym.

"See you later, dad!" I called over my shoulder. When I turned to look at him, I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes.

I set our very last box down and inhaled the fresh scent of newly dried paint.

Edward grunted as he spread out across our soon-to-be living room. I sat next to him, leaning on my hands.

"We did it." He sighed, his hand brushing my lower back.

"We did." I smiled, my heart too full to express. I thought it would explode.

Moving out was easy, finding a place was the hardest part. We wanted to stay close, and live in Port Angeles where the closest college was. But we didn't want to go just yet. This year we were going to take a break from everything and just live. Edward and I had saved every cent, plus help from Charlie, to be able to do this. We were just so lucky, I wondered if it would ever run out. Life was a fairytale.

Most people when they take a gap year they travel, or do something special with their life. Not us. We just wanted to relax, watch shows. Eat snacks all night, and go hiking in the morning. Anything that would put us together, and keep us happy.

We slept on an air mattress that night, and woke up slumped together in the middle. It was glorious. Edward's sweet sleeping face could have made me cry. He was my angel, and looked the part. His luscious hair, brushing in front of his face. His lashes brushed against his rosy cheeks. His lips… I looked away. It was not the morning to start that. We had a tight schedule today.

"Edward, wake up." I whispered in his ear, my breath tickling him. He swatted at me before turning over and slinging his arm over the mattress. I knew that the second I left he would be plopped onto the floor, courtesy of the dwindling air inside of it.

I heard him groan when I left the bed, heading straight for the bathroom.

I hopped in the shower, waiting for Edward to come in. He never did.

"Love! I'm going to grab us some coffee. When I get back we will get everything started. I love you!"

The door slammed shut, echoing through our apartment. I sighed in contentment. If this is how every day is going to be, sign me up. I wanted this forever.

When I was done, I headed for the kitchen to fix us some breakfast. By the time that was over, it had been almost twenty minutes. My lips pursed with thought. Maybe he grabbed something else, or was running late. Did he walk? Maybe that's what it was.

I waited, going out on the porch to see if I could see him. I tried to ignore the clock as it became my enemy.

One hour.

Two hours.

I picked up my phone, dialing his number for the fifteenth time. It rang for what felt like years before the voicemail box dinged.

Before I could think about what I was doing, I called Charlie. I don't know why… I just thought he would help. That he would tell me not to worry.

He didn't.

"…I'll give them a call down there to see if they have any reports. Stay where you are, I'll be there soon. If it's nothing, no biggie. We can go out to eat after; my treat."

I set the phone down, my stomach screaming with anxiety. I could have puked with how nervous I was.

I sat on a box, staring at my phone. Willing it to ring.

Charlie arrived, and went straight to the Port Angeles station for more information.

It was another two hours before anything did happen.

The phone rang.

"Bells…" It was Charlie.

"Yes, did you hear anything? Is he okay?"

There was silence on the other side. I could feel my heart leap into my throat then. As I waited.

"They-they, uh, found his car. Well, I did. It wasn't…" He paused with a shaky sigh. "Bella has Edward said anything about wanting to end his life? Anything that would give an indication that he was going to do anything like that? That he wanted to leave?"

My body ran cold like ice.

"What? No, no he didn't. He wouldn't. He didn't…" My voice started shaking as did my whole body.

"Okay. I just wanted to be sure. Well we don't know that Bells. We found his car, but no Edward. It was parked by the forest. I don't know…" He trailed off.

My mind spun as I tried to understand what he said. "So, you don't know if he's dead or alive? Okay. Tell me where his car is. I'm coming to search."

I snapped the phone shut, grabbing my keys while barely remembering my shoes.

We searched for two weeks. A formal investigation was opened to try to find any trace of him. There was nothing. No body, no clothes, no blood. Just nothing. He had vanished out of thin air, and it ripped my soul from my body.

I couldn't think, eat, or feel.

I just wanted to look for him. I needed him like I needed air to breathe. The thought of life without him was too much to bear. There was no continuing. No happiness. My candle had been blown out, right along with Edward's.

It wasn't even one more week before the investigation was closed, and everyone sent home. My Edward was declared missing, or dead.

After

I stared at the wall of my childhood bedroom. Maybe if I didn't look away, then I could merge with the wall and disappear.

It had been one day since the funeral.

The funeral I hadn't even wanted to happen. The funeral that took months to even put together.

We didn't have his body, we didn't have any answers. So why would I mourn someone I didn't know was gone? I refused to believe it. My mind and body rejected it. The idea that I could move on, and continue my life… No.

He was out there. I could feel it. I knew that if he was dead, I would feel different. That somehow my love for him would turn into something I could cope with. But, I couldn't. So to me, he was still alive.

Charlie didn't like that. He wanted me to "be less of a zombie." He said. So, that's what I was doing. Exactly that.

Today, we would drive to our apartment in Port Angeles, and I would have to pack all of our belongings into my truck again, and drive them back to Forks. I would return the keys, and move out of the apartment I didn't get to live in. But as Charlie said, at least they let us out of the lease.

The lease. Tears leaked down my cheeks in the never ending stream. Who cared about any of this. It was trivial. I don't care if they drained my bank account and fed me to collection companies. I didn't care what they wanted to do. I just wanted to…not be here.

There was a knock on my door, and the click of the latch turning.

"Hey, let's get going." Charlie said in a gruff voice. He had been drinking again. I could already tell without turning around.

I didn't respond.

I heard his heavy footsteps and the sag of the bed when he sat on it. It was silent for a while.

He sighed. "You know… I don't want to do this either. I know it's painful. I feel it everyday. I thought he was going to be my son, officially now. On paper. That he would make my daughter happy and I would gain a son. A win-win. That's how it should have been, anyway." He sniffled. "But it's not. That's not always how life works out for us. We can do it Bells. We can make it through. Jene said—"

"I don't care what Jene had to say." I snapped at him.

She didn't even come to his funeral. She paid for it, but never showed. Charlie went to check on her, and she would only talk through the door, begging him to go away. I thought she had something to do with it at first but now…now when anyone saw Jene she looked distraught and well, dead inside. She looked like she would float away like a feather in the wind. I was waiting everyday for Charlie to come home and tell me that she was found dead in her house.

We were all a basket case now.

"Okay. I'm sorry for bringing her up again. I just…she's something to hold on to. Someone who knew him probably better than all of us. I wanted to talk to the person who cared for him everyday. Thought you would too. Maybe one day. Come on. Let's go."

The door creaked open, the smell of fresh paint smacking me in the face. Fresh paint, stale air, and old food. I walked in, my arms and legs feeling robotic. The breakfast I had made sat on the counter, untouched.

Our air mattress laid flat on the ground, completely deflated, but with the sheets and blankets still bunched on top. Our boxes and miscellaneous furniture pressed in on me, taunting me with what I could never have.

I hugged my arms around myself, feeling a hole the size of Edward crumble away into nothing. I hugged them tighter, hoping that I wouldn't split apart right there.

I ignored Charlie and went straight for our bed. I wrapped myself in the blankets, pushing my face into his pillow. Honey and rose petals.

I held my tears in, not wanting them to wash away his smell.

I missed him so much. A deep part of me begged for my heart to give out, right there. Not to let me live in this anymore.

Charlie let me sleep there. I stayed in the apartment for three days, letting him move each box out with caution, leaving me there. I couldn't eat, or sleep. There was no point.

At some point, I woke up in my childhood room. Staring at the eggshell color. Watching the kaleidoscope of darkness spot my vision until I blinked, or fell asleep.

I remember a doctor coming. Words of a comatose state. A broken heart turned into a walking zombie.

Jake came to visit me. I remember that. He was here a lot. I know that, but I don't remember anything he said to me.

I did that for months, I think.

The water slammed into my body, suctioning me under the surface. My lungs filled with salt that felt like fire, but I was at peace.

I opened my eyes in the dark water, feeling the sting. I saw him. Edward. Floating there, waiting for me. I missed the bliss of his lips. The way his hands felt when they held me. No more could I miss it. No more would I feel that terrible emptiness.

The edges of my vision went black, and I was gone.

I saw a light. A beautiful, bright light.

A black shadow blocked it before disappearing again. Why would it take the light away?

I felt a push. Another. A band snapped in me, and the final push sent shocking fire into my lungs.

My light disappeared again.

I couldn't move. Couldn't talk.

"…Bella!" Someone called out to me, but I didn't know who. I could only stare at the bright light.

Another push on my chest. I could hear things crunching. Was it me? I tried to look around.

The shadow took my light again.

"Can you hear me? Bella, don't give up. Don't go to sleep."

Was that…Jake?

I felt a surge of air and water come up my throat. My body moved to the side, but it wasn't me that moved. My vision tilted, my eyes becoming level with what now looked like rocks. It was light and dark. Part of me was only able to see the earth, and my light had been the sky.

I blinked. Slow, but it was me. I felt warm water dripping from my lips. Salt.

"Bella! Oh my god, you're alive." I was then sitting up, warm arms wrapping around to hold me.

"There's an ambulance on the way. Just a few more minutes, okay? Don't fall asleep, okay?"

Everything went dark again after that.

"That's quite a story, Isabella."

I picked at the fuzz on the knee of my sweatpants, watching it with feigned curiosity.

"How do you feel, now that you've talked about it?"

I looked up. Dr. Hein watched me from her typical perch on the smallest stool across from me. Her twisted bun and glasses made me nauseous at this point. Little-miss perfect. Little-miss 'I have my life put together.' Fuck her. Fuck them all, actually.

I watched her scribble notes onto her pink notepad. Her fluffy pink pen that looked like a bunny's tail. It was ridiculous. Too happy.

"Isabella, can you hear me? Would you like me to repeat the question?" Her sickening voice was sticky sweet.

I gave her a snotty smile. "Jeez Dr.Hein, how do you think I feel after talking about it? Let me give you a hint. Maybe there will be another place I can jump from around here? Maybe your window is unlocked?"

"Isabella. I recommend you think very hard about what you just said to me. We do not want to have to sedate you again."

"Is that a threat?"

"Was yours?" She bit back at me. I wanted to punch her smug face.

I looked out the window, ignoring her. I heard her sigh.

When I turned back, she had the bridge of her nose pinched, her oversized framed glasses sitting on the notebook in her lap.

She took a deep breath, folding her hands in front of her. She looked like she could be praying. Maybe she was.

"It's been months of this, Miss Swan. Today was a breakthrough. Let's not ruin it with empty threats. We want you to be able to go home one day. Don't you want that? Don't you want to see Charlie all the time? Jake? I know they want to see you."

"I'll never get better by being trapped in a building that doesn't even let you glimpse the sky unless you jump through a thousand hoops. I thought this was a medical facility, not a prison."

"It isn't a prison for most. Only those who threaten to end their lives every day, sometimes multiple times. We want you to be outside. We want you to have the same routine you had at home. We all only want the best for you."

"Mhm." I looked out the window again. I don't know if I actually wanted freedom. Maybe I did. The most daunting part would be that I wouldn't be under heavy sedatives anymore. No more pushing the pain away just by acting out a little. There would be no escape. And if there was no escape?

Then there was no point of being here.

"Our time is up for today. You can head back to your room if you would like, or you can stay here and sit in silence for a bit. Take your time. I'm proud of you for all we've discussed, and I'm sure your father will be excited to have you back soon."

I stood up, leaving as soon as I could. I went straight to my room, curling up on the bed.

Perfect. That was everything I had to do today, so now I could lay here in peace until tomorrow.

It felt like I had only blinked and someone was knocking on my door, opening it.

"Miss Swan? It's morning now."

It was Ben. He knew I didn't look at the time. It was my enemy.

I held a thumbs up, not moving from my curled position facing the wall.

Instead of the door latching again, Ben cleared his throat.

"We spoke with your father today, Miss. He is on his way to pick you up."

I froze.

Picking me up? I didn't want to go. I wasn't ready.

Ben's voice was quiet, but closer. "Between you and me, he is more excited to have you back than any parent I've seen in a long time, Miss Swan."

I sat up, facing him. He was leaning against the wall, his clipboard in hand that matched the pale blue scrubs he wore. His face was gentle, and genuine. He always had been.

"Thank you Ben. For everything. You've been a great help."

He beamed at me, his eyes shining like he just might cry. "Thank you, Isabella. Now, I do not have the clothes you came in. They got too icky. So instead, I have a fresh set of sweats. Same as usual. I'll set them right here, and you can get changed. When you're done, you are free to go to the first door. I'll be waiting there to check you out."

I nodded, no words left in me.

It wasn't too long before I was sitting on the bench outside of the hospital, my papers in hand and socks on my feet.

I didn't mind so much. The fresh air was nice, and welcome more than anything else I had experienced so far.

A fresh rain began, leaving me soaked by the time Charlie's cruiser pulled up.

He hurried out, holding his jacket over me as we got in.

"Jesus, Bella. It's freezing out there."

I shrugged. "Not too bad."

He smirked at my response. "I have to tell you…I don't think I've been more excited today that ever before." He patted my knee. "Seven months later, here you are! I knew you could do it."

I tried to smile, but hid it when I looked out the window. I didn't want to disappoint him. Not again.

"I-uh, got your room ready. Got your things back in their place. Jake helped too, I don't know if that means anything. He's been visiting a lot. Super worried about you—we all are, I mean. Is there anything I can pick up for dinner? Pizza?"

"Pizza sounds great, dad." I said.

"Great."

We sat in silence the rest of the way home.

Jake was lounging on the couch, his feet surpassing the length of the coffee table and hanging over the edge. I felt my eyes go wide, and tried to hide my surprise and confusion. He was a literal giant. I thought that last time, but I swear he was even bigger.

"Bells!" He almost shouted as he bounded up to hug me. I flinched, bumping against Charlie. He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me.

"Jesus, Jake. Give the girl a minute to breathe." He lowered his voice. "She's been on a lot of meds, they make her tired." I wish he would stop talking to me like I wasn't there. "Bella, why don't you go make yourself comfy in the living room. I'll be there in a minute."

Jake sat back down on the couch. I took the recliner, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my chin on them.

He was just…looking at me. I couldn't tell if it was pity, or amusement. "What?" I raised a brow.

"Nothing." He waved me off, looking at the tv again. I saw him staring at me through the corner of his eye.

"What, Jake?" I rolled my eyes, throwing a pillow at his stupid face.

His mouth popped open in shock. "Bella's got some bite now? I was just looking at you. I haven't seen you in a while and you look…good. Better than good. Great." He fumbled over his words, rubbing at the back of his neck.

It reminded me of him.

I looked away quickly, before the crumbling in my chest started again.

"I'm sorry, Bella." He was speaking in a quiet, rushed tone. Like he didn't want to say it, but had to. I understood that. "I should have gone to the funeral. I should have helped you look—"

"It's okay." I spit out, squeezing my eyes shut. "Just, can we not talk about it anymore?"

He blew out a deep breath. I opened an eye. His head was held in his hands as he rested on his elbows. "No. No, I don't think we can. And I don't think you want to. Don't act like you don't count the days since. Don't act like you're okay. Ok? I know you're not, so quit the bullshit with me. Even if it's only with me. I promise I won't say anything."

I stared at him for a long while. What was I supposed to say? I wasn't going to trust anyone again. I was broken, forever.

It had been one year, and five months since…him.

I did my morning stretches, and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I took my meds. I got dressed. All of the motions.

Inside I was on fire, running around and screaming. Beating on the walls, begging for release.

But that was inside. Outside I was calm and organized.

Everyday since I got home, I went to Jake's garage. It was the only place Charlie allowed me to go by myself. But even then…it was weird.

Jake was a busy man, always running 'meetings' with his friends. I guess they had some sort of neighborhood watch. At least, that's how he explained it. There were only four of them, so I guess it wasn't too serious. Sometimes he would leave, and then one of his friends would come and sit with me until Charlie could pick me up. Or I would be stuck talking to Billy. That wasn't so bad, because he loved to talk. The more he talked, the less I did. That was good.

Charlie was coming with me today, bringing snacks for the game. He was chattering about it to me, but I didn't hear him.

The moment the tires hit the gravel driveway I jumped out, "See you!" I called back to him as I headed straight for the garage.

I could already hear the clinking of the tools, and the smell of motor oil and dust hit me. I breathed it all in. It was delicious.

"There you are. I was wondering when I would see your beautiful face again." He winked at me. I couldn't help but crack a smile. What a stupid joker he was.

"You see me everyday."

He stood up, enveloping me in his warm embrace. I sucked in a breath, filling my lungs with his delicious smell. Pine, and fresh rain. The kind that was sweet, and stuck on your tongue.

"Mm. That I do. And I'll never get sick of it. You smell nice too, by the way. Like strawberries and flowers." He winked at me again, sending my cheeks aflame.

I didn't realize I had been so obvious about it. I hid my face in my hair, sitting down on the lumpy old sofa that sat out here. It was by no means comfortable, but it was better than the floor.

Jake resumed whatever he was working on under the hood of his rabbit. Such good memories. The first time I came here, I couldn't even look at the car without thinking about the days we had spent helping Jake scrape together the funds to fix it. It gave us our first taste of freedom.

I could look at the car now. It still chipped away at the hole in my heart.

One day that hole would become too big, and I would be consumed. But, not today. Not any time soon, I hoped.

"What are you brooding about over there?" Jake never invaded my space, or pressured me to talk. If I didn't want to answer, I could. Now it felt like I wanted to tell him everything.

He has become my glue, filling the small cracks.

"Memories." I whispered.

He stopped working, casually walking over and sitting on the couch. "Of?"

I gestured to the rabbit.

"Oh." His brow furrowed. I watched as he stared at the rabbit, his arm slung haphazardly over the side of the couch.

I could tell he remembered too.

"Do you miss him?" I whispered, pulling my arms closer around me.

"Yeah." He nodded, still watching the car. I watched him some more, unsure if he was going to continue.

"It's…" He paused, rubbing his fingertips across his lips while he thought. "It's so hard to understand that he's gone. And I didn't fix anything. I already had been so mad…" He stood up suddenly, and I could see the tears in his eyes. "Doesn't matter anymore. You want a soda?"

He didn't wait for my reply, and hurried away.

I felt a twinge of guilt. How selfish I had been. I saw it now. How could I have thought I was the only one hurting? I mean, I knew that I wasn't the only one…did I? Had I ever actually considered that? I frowned. Who else was hurting like me?

Jake came back with three sodas, opening mine for me and setting it down. He opened another, setting it on the table beside me. He didn't sit this time. He gave me a long look. Deep brown eyes that I could fall into. He was beautiful, I could always admit that. But this felt…different. Weirder.

I looked away, and he walked back over to the lifted hood of the rabbit.

"Jake…I have a question."

"Yeah?" I could tell he was holding back his emotions. His back was turned, but was rigid.

"How are you? I-I just realized how selfish I've been. For so long." A lump in my throat formed. Making the words painful to speak. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to—"

I was cut off by a crushing hug. "Stop." He felt hot, like the sun. His hand smoothed my hair. "Stop that. I'm okay. No one thinks you're selfish. Don't do that, okay?"

I paused, letting the words soak in, along with his heat.

It was so odd. I didn't realize how much I missed human contact. In fact I don't think I could remember the last time I was hugged. I melted into him, my hands gripping onto him as tight as I could manage. I felt his arms tighten around me too.

We stood like that for who knows how long. Something inside of me felt…better. It was strange, but I could feel how he was feeling. That this was his way to help. His unspoken way of telling me that he's okay, and that we were okay. That everything that happened was in the past.

He let go of me with clear reluctance. I walked over to the couch again, and he went back to work. We continued like nothing happened.

That was the first day I started to feel better.

It was slow, at first.

Each day, I helped Jake more in the garage. We talked more. I cried a lot still, but it wasn't always a bad one. In general, the good was starting to outweigh the bad.

Charlie noticed too, so we started to spend as much time as he could manage with Billy. We now had dinner all together every night. That was alright with me because I got to see Jake.

Things with us were starting to feel different. I couldn't help but notice that he looked at me longer…more meaningful. We would sometimes fall asleep on the couch out there together. Usually with me nuzzled into his side, and his cheek resting on top of my head. It had happened more than once that I would wake up in his small bedroom, tucked under the covers with a small note about his meeting. Charlie never seemed to mind, and would always leave a second note on the dining table with my meds, saying he would be back to pick me up after breakfast for therapy.

I felt bad about that sometimes. He was always taking me wherever I wanted, and picking me up whenever. It wasn't fair to him.

Maybe if I was ever allowed to have my truck back, then I could help him out. Take on groceries or something.

He hadn't let me have my freedom like that since my incident. Now that I think about it, I don't think I will ever get them back.

Today was another morning of waking up somewhere else that wasn't my room. I knew right away because of the sheer amount of light in the room. A giant window that looked right into the forest, allowing the morning sunshine to rest on my face.

I yawned, stretching out and rolling towards the window.

A giant ball of red fluff was in the yard. I blinked, lifting my head. What was that?

I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

It was gone.

I squinted, looking around for whatever it was I saw. Maybe I made it up.

There was a knock on the door. "Bells? You awake?" Jake's voice was muffled and quiet.

I sat up, straightening my sweatshirt that was all twisted. I went to the door, opening it.

He came right in, plopping down on the bed with his arm thrown over his eyes.

"So…tired." He mumbled.

I sat on the edge of the bed. "What? Jake, why are you doing a night watch? Is anything really happening at night that you have to stay awake the whole time? You need rest."

"I am resting." He said in a quiet voice. He sounded half asleep already.

"But why? There's no danger." I said, mostly to myself.

"Leeches." He grumbled.

I gave him a strange look. He inhaled deep, snoring already. Leeches. Hm.

Maybe there were leeches in the lake? Leeches… I tried to piece it together, but it was probably just sleep talk. I watched his peacefulness. But, even asleep he still looked serious. To think we weren't even 21 yet. Soon, though. Soon, we all had birthdays. I shook my head trying not to think about what that meant. I looked down at Jake. He looked more like he was 25, and I felt like I was 80. Oh, what misfits we were. Kind of perfect together. The thought slammed into the hole in my heart. Guilt twisted in me. I wouldn't go there. Not with him, not again.

When I was 15, I remember thinking that Jake and I were going to get married one day. Now, I don't think I would be capable of love. Or marrying anyone. Not anymore. Maybe liking someone, but never love.

I leaned over, kissing him on the cheek before leaving as quiet as I could.

We came back after my therapy, and Jake wasn't up yet. I hung out with Charlie and Billy, although it was boring. I kept a careful eye on his door, waiting for it to creak open. It didn't.

Eventually I got too bored, and told them I was going for a walk.

Charlie seemed reluctant, but Billy was reassuring him that I would be okay. I thanked Billy with my eyes, and he gave me a long stare. I couldn't tell if he was telling me not to do anything that he just said to my dad I wouldn't do, or if he was saying something else. Like he knew that I wouldn't.

Maybe I was just reading too much into it too.

So, I shrugged on Jake's windbreaker, pulling it tight over my head. I did not want to get any of the rain on me, nothing that would make me too cold. There was a trail in the back of the Black's home. It led down through the forest to the beach, where our favorite log was. That was the path I was supposed to take. But I didn't. At some point, I stepped off the path. I didn't mean to. Maybe I followed something I thought was the path, and mixed it up…but I wasn't definitely lost now. I could hear the birds chirping happily above in the trees, and the dense patches of forest, but no trail. Fuck.

There was a large crack from in front of me, echoing off of the trees.

"H-hello?" I called out. I don't know why I did. Maybe because I was stupid.

How could I be here? Edward died in the forest, and now I would too. There was another snap, and a deep growl. My stomach hit my feet at the sound.

I could feel my heart thundering in my eardrums. I could see some movement bushes as the leaves swayed. Then it stopped. Everything went silent except for some small birds chirping.

My breath heaved with panic that I tried to suppress. I didn't want it to go this way. I didn't want to die the same as Edward.

Something hot touched my shoulder, and I jumped with a scream.

I turned to see Jake, towering over me. He was dripping wet, and shirtless.

"Jake?" I asked, confused.

He cupped my face, shaking me lightly. "Bella, what the hell were you thinking being out here? By yourself too? Jesus I- You can't do that. I thought I wouldn't be able to find you. I thought I was going to have to call the pack to—"

"The pack? Jake, I was just trying to go to the beach, I'm sorry. Who's the pack?"

His face blanched. "Shit." He spat, his head hanging for a moment. "Okay. Bella, you can not run off. You don't know what you will find in these woods. Promise me, okay? No more woods. If you want to go, I'll come with you. I don't care if I'm asleep, wake me up."

"You can't ignore my question." I demanded.

He gave me a sideways glance, grabbing my hand and steering me away. "I can't explain it to you." I was having a hard time ignoring the fact that he was holding my hand, his fingers intertwined with mine. "Sure you can," I whined.

"No, Bella. I can't. And, I don't want to. It's not—"

"Good for you. I know." I said, disappointed. His jaw clenched, his hand gripping mine tighter.

"Exactly." He said.

"You know, once you said that you weren't good for me. Why would you say that? Is it still true?"

Jake stopped in his tracks, his breath heaving. His hand trembled in mine. "Why would you ask that?" His stare was intense, and warm. It sent the blood right to my cheeks, turning them bright red. The truth was I didn't know why I asked that.

He took a deep breath, gripping my hand with both of his, and kissing the top of it. Butterflies erupted in my stomach. I gasped, not having experienced those in so long, I thought I never would again.

"I am not good for you. I want to tell you why, but I think it would compromise your safety. I don't know…I don't know if you are going to be here with me for the rest of your life. I don't want to tell you something like this. It would bind you to complete secrecy. It's isolating. I want you to have the best shot at being happy. Wherever you are happy."

I thought about his words. They were carefully picked, and made perfect sense. What I couldn't make sense of is what he was hiding. If I could know just a little, then why couldn't I make the choice for myself if I want to be bound to secrecy? And where else did he think I would go that wasn't going to be here? It made me realize that eventually we couldn't just sit around and do this all day. That this wasn't reality. Reality was a job, and college. But doing anything without him by my side felt…empty.

"It has something to do with the meetings, doesn't it." I said.

He nodded.

"Okay. Well, I know you don't want to tell me, but when you do… I want to know. I don't care if it binds me to secrecy. I'm already alone, Jake. I can't tell you how, but I know that if I wasn't here with you, I would be doing worse things, or dead. I don't want to promise anything, but I don't want to ever leave."

His eyes squeezed shut. "Bella, I'm no good for you. This is more trouble than I'm worth, for anyone. Promise you'll just drop it? I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's already heartbreaking as is."

I was taken aback by his tone, and seriousness to it all. I nodded, not having the words to tell him how I felt. I squeezed his hand once more before letting it go, and folding my arms around myself.

I needed to get these feelings under control. Jake didn't want me in his life like that. Just because I told him things, didn't mean that he had to tell me everything too. I sighed.

Jake led the way back, his hand reaching back automatically to help me over the big logs and brush that was on our way.

We didn't talk until we got into the garage. I curled up on the sofa, hugging myself tight. Trying to pretend I didn't feel like a massive intrusion on his life.

"Soda?" He asked before coming back with three cokes. He opened mine, handing it to me. Then doing the same for the other, but putting it on the table beside me.

"Why do you do that?" I asked. I always thought he set an extra there for him when he was done with the first. But now that I think about it, I don't know if I've ever seen him actually drink from it.

Jake sat down next to me, fiddling with his can. "For him, Bells. I would never leave him out of this."

It felt like an explosion. The glass protection I had around the whole in me fell away, flaying me open. I winced at the pain. Of course that was for Edward. Maybe I always knew that, but didn't want to actually think about it.

"Right." I breathed out. The air coming in my lungs made me feel hollow. I hunched over, the tears already streaming down my face. There was no hiding this.

I felt warm arms scoop me up. "Bella…" He murmured in my ear. I could feel his fingers combing through my hair. He shushed me, and held me. "I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you."

"It's…okay…" I sniffled. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging tight. "I just miss him." We sat like that for a while.

"Don't let me crumble, okay? I know you don't want to tell me everything, that's fine. Just promise me that you'll still keep me in your life. Keep a piece of me in your heart, like I promised I would with you. I can't bear to lose anyone else. Not when it hurts this much." I pressed my hand into my chest. "My body is breaking. I feel hollow. A piece of me died…I can't even explain it. There are no words for how I feel without him."

Jake sat there for a while, twisting my hair around his fingers. "You'll always have a place in my heart Bella. Do you believe in soulmates?"

I froze. "Uh, I don't know. The guilt I feel about having…feelings—So, maybe I do. Why else would I feel this way?"

He sighed, brushing the hair back from my face. His eyes were so deep, so full of everything I wanted.

"Feelings…happy ones? Or sad ones? Besides the guilt I mean."

My heart sped up at the thought of confessing anything to him. I didn't want to lose him. Anything but that. "They're…complicated feelings. More than just liking someone, I think. I don't know. I don't want to…lose them." I shut my eyes, leaning against his shoulder. He still held me, one hand wrapped around my back to my waist. The other hand, smoothing my hair. That hand had long since travelled to my cheek, then my lips.

His fingers traced my lips, his eyes watching with interest. "What if I told you he wouldn't want you to feel guilty? He wanted you to be happy." He paused, his thumb brushing my chin and cheeks. "What if I told you I still loved you. Would that change anything?" He whispered.

Our noses were nearly touching. I could feel his breath fan my face. His eager eyes watched me for any reaction as he moved closer. His tongue dashed across his bottom lip.

I didn't think. I couldn't. All I knew was that this felt…right. For once. His hand tilted my chin to bring my face to his. His lips were like fire. His tongue traced my lip, gentle and reserved. It was a deep, almost forbidden kiss.

He broke away, his hands trembling. I ran my hands through his hair, melting into him as much as was possible. He was so, so gentle. Never would push anything on me, and always let me lead. It was so nice to feel accepted as I was, even if that version of me was broken.

"It would change some things. I just need to think. I feel like I'm not honoring our relationship. Or that I'm giving up on him." The tears crept up again.

"Okay. I understand that. But you're not. Giving up on him, I mean. You of all people haven't given up on him. It's been almost two years… We've gotta live at some point. Do you think we could work on that?"

I nodded up at him. "Yeah."

I felt him wrap his fingers around mine. He lifted it up, placing a delicate kiss on my fingers.

"I love you, Isabella Swan. No matter what."

Jake set down the very last box to our dingy studio apartment. He stood tall, looking proud as he beamed at me. "Look at this! See, I told you we could do it."

He lifted me up, pressing his warm lips to mine and hugging me close. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face.

We had moved into our apartment with only a week left until the summer started. Together, we travelled up to Seattle. It took a while, and a lot of hard work. I am 23 now, and even though that's pretty late to be starting college, I think it's fine. He said college was for "losers" yet was fine with helping me go anyway. It didn't matter how he felt though, because he still had to spend every other week in Forks. He started a small car shop a year ago, and had his special meeting friends all working there. I think maybe once he sees me doing the work, he will come around and want to be here more.

We sprawled out on our new fold-out couch, linking our legs together.

Jake sat up on his elbow, pulling me close. "To be here with you… I couldn't imagine it any other way." I could.

Stuff like that always made my heart twinge, but I would never show it. It had been almost 5 years since him, and I don't think that part of me was capable of healing.

"Yeah. Me neither." I tried to give my best smile to him, but I could feel it falter.

Jake didn't notice. He kissed me again, tender and long. His hands grasped at my hips and thighs, his breathing growing heavy. Things with him were great, don't get me wrong. I loved this. I loved the way he touched me, and how he made me feel. It just always felt…like something was missing.

"Bella…" Jake murmured in my ear. "Come out of that big brain of yours, be with me."

I smirked, pushing the longing away. I was too good at that now.

I set my books down in my first class of the day, slumping down in my seat. Something weird happened today.

It started normal. I smiled up at Jake as he woke up, watching the confusion and happiness that spread across his face each time. It made my heart feel like it was going to explode.

We got coffee, and headed straight for campus.

"This is a bit of a walk, Bells. I don't like it." His jaw tensed. I could see he was concentrating on something I couldn't understand. I learned with Jake that there are a lot of things that I didn't understand about him. Weird things. I learned not to ask long ago, too. He told me last year that he couldn't. That it wasn't his choice anymore. Another thing I didn't understand.

It was okay if he couldn't though. I still noticed things.

"Okay, well I'm sure whatever you're thinking about, it won't happen."

He inhaled deep, scanning the area with narrowed eyes. We crossed the street, nearing campus. "Maybe I should tell Sam that I need to be here for you. It isn't safe here."

I rolled my eyes. "Jake, I want to do this. I need to. Whatever you think is wrong, it's not. It's okay here."

He didn't look at me, or even hear me. I kept walking, letting him do his thing. Once people saw this was who I walked with, they wouldn't look at me twice.

The inside of campus was nice. Not anything special, but not terrible either.

We got to the first building, and outside of it was a kind woman with red hair in a loose pony. She looked about my age, and was handing out flyers.

"Oh boy. Here you go. I can't believe it. Alright, I love you. Be safe. I'll be home if you need me." He gave me a kiss on the lips, then the forehead. "Let me walk you to the door." I rolled my eyes again. Too overprotective.

We approached the woman at the top, she glanced us both up and down with a curious look. "Both of you in this class?"

I heard a weird choking noise. I looked up to Jake. He was staring at the woman like she was a ghost.

"Jake?" I patted his arm. The woman awkwardly chuckled, looking at me in question. I laughed too, tugging on his hand again. He cleared his throat, shaking his head.

"No, I'm just dropping her off. Bye Bella." He gave me a chaste kiss before turning around and jogging away. The woman looked at me in confusion. I shrugged, before heading inside.

So what did that mean?

My first day was uninteresting, and simple. I was thankful for that, because I couldn't stop thinking about this morning. A pit in my stomach had been building inside the whole day, and mounted as my hand turned the knob on our front door. I tried to be as quiet as possible when I heard his fervent whispers.

"…I didn't tell her. I have to, I know."

"…No you don't understand! This will ruin everything."

I swung open the door, making a big production. Jake's eyes flashed to me before he snapped his phone shut without another word.

"Hey. How was it today? Who were you chatting with?" I tried to keep my tone light as I put all my stuff away, changing into sweats.

Jake's head was resting in his hands as he sat on the couch. He was silent.

I frowned, sitting next to him and throwing my arms around him.

"Do you want to talk about it? Is everything okay?" I asked in a sweet voice.

He shook his head. "Bella…something bad happened. Something very bad." He looked up at me. His eyes were rimmed with red as tears pooled in them.

I flinched back. "What-what is it?" I whispered in horror.

My first thought was maybe Billy, or my dad. Maybe it was Sam, or one of his other friends.

"Please Jake, you have to tell me or I'm going to have a heart attack." I gripped my chest with anxiety.

He sniffed, breathing deep. His nose scrunched up. "It's just…the woman we saw today…"

"Did you know her?" I interrupted.

He shook his head. "No, that's the thing. Because I didn't tell you my secret, you don't even know what's going on." He ran a hand over his face.

I relaxed a little. Okay, it was about his secret.

"Whatever it was, we can figure it out, Jake. It's okay. You don't have to tell me." I tried to soothe him.

"No, I do. What just happened…things won't ever be the same for us."

"For us?"

He nodded before taking a deep breath. "Bella, we have to break up."

I was doing fine.

I am doing fine.

I sat in my pull-out bed, reading Wuthering Heights for the hundredth time. I had class in the morning, and work in the evening.

It was simple, and easy.

Easy to tell myself that things were okay as long as I did the simple things.

Jake broke up with me 4 months ago. Since then, he had moved out, left me in this lease by myself, and expanded his business back in Forks.

Natalie was his fiance. She was the woman who was handing out flyers at my campus. Turns out she was working on an administrative internship there, so that's how they met. Through me. The woman he was dating before he met the "love of his life." As he explained to me. That night, Jake told me that there were ancient tribe legends about this one true love. I didn't believe him at first. I was crying, feeling the hole in my chest become rubbed raw.

He said that Natalie was his one true love. That he couldn't think about anyone but her. Couldn't see anyone else but her in his life.

So, who was I to argue with him?

It was easier than Edward's death, I will admit. I had already lost everything before, so I could do it again. That much I was confident about.

Charlie worried about me a lot more, and frequently drove to have dinner to check. But really, I was fine.

School was uneventful, but I got to be there more than I used to. There was nowhere else to be, really. My favorite spot was the library.

If I could spend every second there, I would. It was expansive, and dark. It was impeccable, and cozy.

I was going to the library later today, and had dinner with Jake tonight. He said he had to tell me something important, whatever that meant. Maybe Natalie was pregnant. Guys were weird about that stuff, and maybe he thinks that I would care. But no, I gave up on him long ago.

It was okay, too.

The only thing that wasn't okay was how alone I felt. Cast to the side.

I wasn't though. Not really. Everyone cared for me for so long, that maybe this was how it was to just be independent. To just…live. If this is what you would call living.

As I packed my things away for the library, Charlie gave me a call. He did that daily. Always calling to make sure I felt okay.

I knew that was dad language for asking if I was about to jump off a cliff, or worse.

He said that Jake and Natalie are pregnant. I rolled my eyes at the news. Not surprising.

I didn't tell him that Jake was going to have dinner tonight. I told him that I was staying in.

The walk to the library felt good. It was a crisp winter day. The kind where the snow was iced over, and crunchy. I loved it.

I set my books down, putting on my headphones to try to keep from distractions. Today, I needed to study and research. Absolutely nothing else.

There was a tap on my shoulder. I frowned, pausing before I looked up at the person. Nobody ever talked to me.

It was someone I hadn't seen before. He was ginormous like Jake, but looked like he hadn't seen the sun in his entire life. He was more pale than me, which was not an easy task. I leaned away from him as he towered over me. He had an enthusiastic smile on his face, his hand held out.

"Hi, I'm Emmett." He said. I looked at his hand, but didn't take it. It could have crushed me in one twitch, I just knew it by the sheer size of it.

"Can I sit here?" He smiled again, his bright teeth flashed in the light.

"Sure." I replied, in a daze. He sat, taking out all of his materials on the other side of the table. He looked like some sort of god. His features were perfect in every literal way. He had dark curls that brushed just above his eyes, and rosy lips. Those eyes were deep pools of amber.

Safe to say, I was enamored with him. But there was still something off putting about the whole thing.

I took an earbud out. "What are you studying?" I looked around the section I was in. There were several other tables available. Why would he choose to sit with me? He definitely looked like more of a…social guy.

He grinned, "German. Can't seem to really…grasp it. You know?" His stare was intense, lulling. It made my brain go fuzzy, and I forgot to say anything back.

"What are you studying?" He pressed.

"Uhm—creative writing. Nothing serious." I stumbled over my words, my face heating.

"Nice." He gave me a kind nod before putting in his own earbuds.

I stared at him for a second in confusion. This was the first time that anyone had voluntarily talked to me here. It was suspicious.

I went back to work for a while, eventually deciding to pack up. I decided to grab one more novel on my way out. Something new for a change.

I turned into the fiction section, perusing the aisles.

Most of it was the basics. Horror, thriller, drama, romance. Romance. Something I don't think I would ever read again.

Why read about someone's successful love life when you get to hear about everyone else's in real life.

I got to my favorite genre, fantasy. There were so many possibilities here. There wasn't a single thing I didn't like when it came to fantasy. Because it could all be made up, and there were no real life problems involved. And the whole savior complex thing every main character has wasn't too bad either.

When I bent down to the bottom shelf, I saw feet across the aisle from me.

I stood up, reaching for the top of the shelf.

There across from me, I saw a pair of amber eyes. The same as the guy at my table.

Was he following me?

A shiver went down my spine, and my blood ran cold.

"Can I help you?" My voice sounded rude, and loud. They blinked, and his head dipped down.

That's when I saw it.

Red auburn hair, mixed with delicious hazel brown in the light.

It felt like someone had punched all the air from my lungs. It was him.

"Edward?" His name flew from my mouth as a whimper. A bolt of adrenaline shot through me, and I ran around to the other side of the aisle. There was no one there. I walked over to where Edward—the man had been.

I ran to the next aisle, and the next. My heart skipping beats with anxiety, and my breath rushing out too fast for me to keep up.

There was no one.

I turned around, going straight for the table I sat at with the man who had amber eyes.

He was gone too.

I stood there, catching my breath. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to keep my sanity. Edward was dead, I scolded myself. But there was no denying the sweet scent of honey and roses that still hung in the air. My sole piece of evidence.

Maybe I wasn't actually fine.

My mind couldn't clear, and refused the whole way home. It kept replaying what I saw. That perfect auburn hair. I knew it from anywhere. It was him.

I brought my hand up to my face, striking it. My palm and cheek stung, but it was something to keep me grounded. Edward was dead. You were just seeing things.

I went straight to my kitchen, checking my pill container to make sure I had taken my meds. The AM slot was empty.

I took a deep breath, splashing my face with water. Trying to think about this logically would be the best option. He had amber eyes. There. Automatically not possible. Edward had green eyes.

I had simply seen someone with the same hair color, and cut as Edward. It wasn't him. My chest pounded in my ears as I slunk down the side of the cabinets and curled into a ball.

Was I going insane?

There was a sharp knock at the door. I froze, my eyes going wide as I stood up. I checked the time. Shit. I had dinner with Jake.

"Uh—Just a minute!" I called out to him as I pushed my hair into a ponytail and switched my sweats for the jeans on the couch.

My clothes weren't nice, but I never was one for that.

I pulled open the door. Jake was leaning against the opposite wall in the hallway, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. My heart sped up at the sight of him, but not in a painful way for once. I needed to tell him what I saw right away. He would believe me, I knew it.

"Hi." I blew out, breathless.

He smirked at me, but without really looking at me. Not in the same way he used to. "Hi Bella."

"S-sorry, I got…held up at the library. Just got home. Ready to go?"

The click of the latch on my door made me jump. I was trying, and failing to hide how jittery I was. My hands shook as I locked the deadbolt.

When I looked up, Jake was watching me. His nose wrinkled in a strange way.

"You okay?" His head cocked to the side, with narrowed eyes.

"Yeah, yep." I nodded, ignoring him as we walked down the street. We were going to our favorite pizza shop. It was the first place we went to eat on the day we moved in together, so I guess it was kind of sentimental.

We sat down in the furthest booth from people, but on opposite sides. It was strange to be back here with him. I didn't know what to think about it. Knowing that Natalie was pregnant made me almost feel like I was intruding on his life.

"So…why'd you wanna talk?" I asked.

He folded his arms, leaning back. "Why don't you tell me what's going on first."

I stared back at him, trying to keep my face neutral. I started to doubt if he was going to be on my side if I told him what happened today.

I took my hands and put them under the table, trying anything to mask the slight shake in my entire body.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes there is." He leaned forward. His deep eyes coaxed me to spill my secret to him. I bit my tongue. "I know there is, because I know you. Have you taken your meds today?"

"Yes."

"Did you fall or get hurt?"

"No."

"Okay…" He pursed his lips. "I know something is up."

"And I know something is up with you too, Jake. So why don't you tell me first, and I'll decide if you can know about my life." I was getting a little bitter about it all.

Jake raised his brows in shock. "Okay." He leaned forward, his hands reaching out for a moment and then pulling back when he saw I didn't move. "Natalie is pregnant. And, I know that it's quick after…us. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

I sighed inwardly, taking a long drink of my soda.

"Wow. Congrats." I said, trying to sound perfectly neutral.

He ducked his head. "Bella…"

"No, no. It's fine, really. I'm happy for you." As happy as I could be, at least. I didn't want kids, so I guess I was happy that he was getting whatever he wanted from his eternal love.

I smiled.

He looked suspicious. "Huh. I thought you weren't going to take it this well."

What was that supposed to mean? "Okay…I'm sorry that I didn't react the right way. Want me to throw a baby shower for you or something?"

He grinned. "Alright fine, I'll back off. Thank you, for not freaking out. Now will you tell me what is going on with you."

I stirred my drink with my straw, mulling around the idea of telling him. "Hm. Well, if I do then you're going to think that I'm crazy."

He gave me a long look. "What could you say that would make me think that?" His voice was very cautious. I knew that he was probably looking for one wrong word to send Charlie up here to bring me home.

"No. You're going to lose it. Or think I lost it."

"I won't." He held his hands up in surrender.

"Swear?"

"Swear."

I blew out a deep breath. "Okay." I clapped my hands together, pressing them to my mouth. "I saw Edward. Today."

I looked at Jake, trying to judge his reaction. He looked confused, his brow furrowed. Then he looked sad. "What do you mean, you saw him?" He reached a hand out to me. I ignored it again.

"I mean I saw him. Today, at the library. I swear. He just…he looked different."

I told him the whole story. The man with the strange amber eyes, and then when I was about to leave. He listened very carefully, his eyes sometimes narrowing at my statements.

After I finished, we sat there for a long time in silence.

I couldn't stand him just sitting there and staring at me. "What? Jake you've got to say something. I know I sound crazy."

I shoved my pizza away from me, getting ready to leave.

"Bella, wait." He reached out, grabbing my hand right before I walked off.

"I…I know things have been rough without me. I'm so sorry that I did this… Honey it's not normal for you to be seeing people. Come home with me tonight. You can be with Charlie for a few days, and maybe see the doctor. I bet Natalie would love to see you."

I slid my hand from his. "What? Jake, no. I don't need to see my doctor. My meds are working fine. It wasn't like the last time, and he looked different. It was real, Jake."

"You told me they had amber eyes. Edward had gr—"

"I know." I cut him off. "I know, okay? I just…I thought I saw him." My voice faltered.

"I get it. Things have been so tough for years. It's wearing on your mind. Maybe you should come back for a few days? Take a break from the city." He coaxed. I said too much to him. Now if I didn't go with him, I would be battling with Charlie for days.

It would be better to battle with Charlie than be in the car with him, though.

"That's okay Jake. Dinner was great. I love this place. Congrats on fatherhood. I hope you…uh, I don't know. Have a good life." I winked at him, giving him a smile before leaving him dumbstruck.

I laughed to myself the whole way home. I knew I was being rude, but I didn't want him to pity me anymore.

I really was fine.

I spent the whole rest of my week thinking about the one incident I had. Battling Charlie was the other half of that week. He didn't want me being in Seattle anymore, and was thoroughly spooked when Jake told him what happened. He talked to my doctor, and used some big words. Mania, and psychosis, I believe.

I ignored them, and reassured Charlie as much as I could. Because, it was real. I knew it was. But to Charlie, I told him that it didn't happen again, and that I probably had mistaken someone as him.

I don't know if he believed anything I said to him. He was coming up in two days anyway. Said he was asked to work on a case near here. I don't know if he was telling the truth or not, but it would be nice to have someone around for a while.

Today I was going to the library again. Part of me had to, and the other part of me wanted to. I just wanted to see if maybe I would see the guy—Emmett. Some part of me had some fixation with it. Somehow, they were connected. I just didn't know how.

If nothing happened at the library, that would be okay too. I would get some studying done, and clear my head of it finally.

Because Edward was dead. I knew that.

It was raining outside. It was cozy, and sludgy. This weather was my prime. No reason to be outside, and no reason to remember. Green eyes watched me from inside my mind. I wished I could wash them from my memory.

Today was going to be rough. Whether or not anything happened, I was still broken. And some days I felt more broken than others. The pit in my stomach and the weight on my chest said that today was one of those.

There was a mini mart next to my apartment, and so I went there first.

I was intending to get snacks, but changed my mind. Something else stuck out to me.

"One of…those? Please?" I pointed to a random pack of cigarettes, grabbing a lighter too.

The cashier gave me a confused look. "Uh, miss? Are you sure you wanna be doin' that?"

"Yep." I nodded, handing them my ID.

I stepped out, slipping the pack of cigarettes in my pocket with the lighter. I don't know why I did it. I never was one for drinking, or drugs. But, I had smoked a cigarette twice since Edward died. Both times were for social reasons, and nothing more. But today, it felt like maybe this would be the right thing to shut up the terrible circle of trauma thoughts.

Maybe I was just stupid and immature. Did it matter, in the end? I was still here, in an unfamiliar city, with no one else. I could do whatever the hell I wanted.

The walk to campus was slow, but that was alright with me. Something about the rain, and the dark tones of the library made it even more comfortable. Probably because it reminded me of Forks.

I found a small nook of the library that was usually taken, and settled in there. I hadn't seen anyone else yet aside from the librarian.

With my headphones popped in, and my feet propped up, it was a perfect condition to study.

What I hadn't realized was that it was the perfect conditions to fall asleep.

Edward stroked my face, "My love…" He whispered, leaning close to my ear. I smiled, nuzzling into his hand. It felt cold… and wrong. But, I didn't want to think about that. It was a good dream, and I would enjoy this.

All too soon, his hand disappeared. I opened my eyes, seeing amber ones only inches from mine.

I gasped, sitting up. My eyes were blurry, but I could see an outline of someone standing close. They focused, and it looked unmistakable. Edward. His beautiful, strong face. He looked…too perfect. I blinked. He was gone.

The image was pressed into my mind now. Edward, standing there before me, more beautiful than I could have ever remembered him by. He was gone.

My hands started to shake as the adrenaline set in. My Edward was dead, and I had been dreaming. Dreams that were getting too real.

I gathered up all my stuff, and ran outside. I needed the air. The rain pelted on my skin and face as I held it to the sky, letting it cleanse me of the dream.

My Edward was dead. I chanted in my head as I tried to calm my breaths. I was done with this.

I headed under the cover of a pergola that sat off center to the entire green area. A sort of student hangout.

A few people were there, both smoking. I remembered the pack in my pocket, and took it out.

I had only just gotten my lighter out when I saw someone tall in my peripherals. I flinched back, the cigarette between my lips almost falling out. "Jesus—" I saw that it was the guy with amber eyes. The one man I had been hoping for today.

"Oh, hi." I said. I wasn't as surprised to see him now. After that dream, maybe I had been thinking about him too much. And Edward. I raised the lighter, my hands shaking like a leaf. "Hi Bella." I paused. Had I told him my name?

"Need some help? He walked over, sitting on the same bench as me. He took the lighter from me, his hand brushing with mine. They were so cold I almost flinched. My eyes went wide.

"Sorry." He grinned, lighting it for me. "I have bad circulation. Mom never liked to have me out in the cold too long for that reason."

I inhaled as deep as I could, letting the familiar burn warm my nerves. " 'S okay." I replied, coughing a little.

"Not a regular smoker?"

I gave him a weak smile. "No. Today is a special day."

"Wanna tell me why?" He looked curious, and unbothered by my sudden sour mood. It was interesting, but he was surprisingly easy to talk to. The answers that I could usually keep back seemed to fly right out of me.

"Uhm. I had a nightmare." I shrugged. "That's all."

He cocked his head to the side. "I don't think that's the truth. But, whatever you say."

It was so casual, but I couldn't help but bite. I rolled my eyes. "Okay. No, it wasn't the truth. But if I did tell you, you would think I'm crazy. Everyone always thinks I'm crazy."

Emmett leaned back against the picnic table, folding his arms. "I doubt that. And, you don't know me. So what does it matter what I think?"

I laughed. He was becoming less of a stranger now, which made me nervous.

"Fine. I-uh, my fiancé died. Five years ago. And now, I'm kind of…seeing him everywhere?" I laughed to myself now. It sounded ridiculous when I said it like that. "I don't know. I think I'm just sleep deprived or something. Or my crazy girl meds aren't working anymore." I blew out a deep breath. That was a lot on my shoulders. More than I thought.

Emmett was silent. I looked at him through the corner of my eye. He was just…staring at me.

I turned to face him. "What? You wanted to know."

He held up his hand. "I know. I was just thinking of what to say."

A hoarse chuckle escaped my lips. "Oh okay, alright. I know what that means." I stood up, turning to him.

"So long, Emmett. Thanks for the light." I started to walk off. Then he was right beside me, grabbing my arm. I didn't hear his footsteps.

"I don't think you're crazy, Bella."

I froze, turning to him. The rain pelted us both, but the way it touched Emmett's skin looked different. Like wax and water. "What?" I whispered.

"I don't think you are crazy."

I shook my head. "Well I'm sorry, but I can confirm that I am. It is not normal to keep seeing your dead fiancé."

He didn't reply, but looked at me with sorrow filled eyes. "Do you miss him?"

My brows furrowed. What a strange question to ask. The worst one when you have lost someone.

"Is the sky blue when the sun is out? Do we breathe oxygen? Yes. Of course I miss him. I miss him more than my own life." I swallowed, a lump forming in my throat. Blinking away the tears, I looked down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I was just curious. You were really shaken today, so I figured it was something serious. I don't think you are crazy, because I know that insane things happen everyday, and nothing is certain. Judging someone on two, five minute conversations is a really poor choice. It's just one part of you."

That part of me that was Edward's was the size of the solar system. "Yeah. It's not that simple. Not with him."

Emmett smiled, before his jaw tightened, and he gave me a sharp look. "Hey, look. I've gotta go. But, we should do this again. I have more questions about you, if you want to answer them? Coffee, maybe?"

I thought about it. A perfect stranger, asking me out to coffee. But he didn't feel like a perfect stranger. But he felt…dangerous somehow.

"Fine. But I have questions for you too." He nodded to me in approval, giving me a small wave before I walked off.

We went to coffee the next day, and that's when things…started to get strange.

The day had been difficult. Edward stayed in my mind at all times. I dreamt about him at night, and woke to find him standing in the corner, or by my bed.

I still took my meds, but I was struggling to see a point in it. They were for me to stop seeing Edward, so I would stop doing reckless things. So, if I was still seeing Edward, then they were pointless. And I wasn't doing reckless things.

Besides seeing Emmett. That was probably considered reckless. And, I wasn't seeing him. We were just getting to know each other. Having a friend here wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

We decided to go to a nearby Starbucks. Very cliché for Seattle. But the campus had one, and Emmett wanted to go there.

It was crowded. The coffee smacked my face the moment I opened the door to the small sea of people. I tried to stand on my tiptoes, looking for Emmett.

"Hey there." I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Emmett. His dark hair was wet and curled into his eyes. I tried not to gawk at him, but felt my mouth pop open anyway.

"Hi." I said, my breath gone again. It was almost frustrating at this point. My brain could not register how beautiful he was, so it lost its ability to function. That's fair.

We waited in line, only making small talk until we were able to order and sit down.

"So…" I laughed.

He smiled at me. "I have questions for you." He said, his face growing serious as he folded his hands on top of the table.

I sat up straighter, pretending to be serious as well. "And I have questions for you."

He relaxed, chuckling. "It seems we understand each other's humor. Alright, anyway. You are Isabella Swan?"

My eyes narrowed at him. "I've never told you my name."

He gave me a devilish smile. "I know." I felt my heart rate spike, but couldn't tell if it was out of fear or excitement.

"My turn." He held his hand out to me, urging me to continue. "Why did you know my name before I told you?"

He shrugged. "Someone told me." I frowned, nodding.

"My turn. Do you want to talk about your dead fiancé today?"

My brows shot up in surprise. "Wow. Go in for the kill." He shrugged again.

I sipped my coffee. It was tangy and bitter on my tongue. It was…not the greatest. "Why do you care so much about that?"

He pursed his lips. "Because I'm curious. I want to know what happened to you. What the bark of the hollowed out tree was made of. I saw you at the beginning of the school year with a guy. You looked light, and happy. I saw you in the library, and…well, I couldn't say the same. But I was curious about that too."

Hollow. That's what I was. I just didn't know it was so apparent. He was right, of course.

"Yeah… I um, got dumped. The day you saw me with that guy was the day I got dumped. So, yeah. Definitely not as light and happy as before."

He nodded. "I see. So, you get dumped by the boyfriend and then start to see your dead fiancé. I understand it all now."

I narrowed my eyes. "Do you?"

Emmett's relaxed demeanor made me unsure if he was teasing me or not. His eyes were serious, though. "Yeah. I understand why you would think that you're crazy. Or that I would think that, which I don't. You are actually just observant."

"How so?"

He took a deep breath, his nose wrinkling in the same way Jake's did. Did I smell, or something? "Bella. Some things are more than what you can just see."

I didn't know what to say to him. I knew that. I knew that there were tons of things that were more than what I could see, or understand.

"I know."

He cocked his head to the side. "I can see that. This doesn't bother you?"

I shrugged, taking a sip of my coffee again. Emmett hadn't touched his. Maybe it was as bad as mine. "Why would it? I know I don't understand a lot of things. And I've seen some weird stuff."

"Like what?" This sparked his interest. His eyes were dark and dangerous now. No longer amber colored. Things like that, I wanted to say to him.

"Just…inconsistencies. With people. Things." I looked around. For some reason I felt nervous that someone was listening. Like Jake would be right behind me, listening to my laundry list of things I noticed about him and his friends. But at the same time, maybe I shouldn't be talking about them. On the other hand, Emmett didn't think that I was crazy, so maybe I was safe. "You wanna get out of here? Feels a little stuffy." I stood up, gathering my things so he didn't really have an option.

Emmett followed behind me, and a burst of courage ran through me. "Okay, so what's your deal. Why are you here, why do you know me? Do you know Jake? Did he send you to watch me or something?" I waved my hand, exaggerating.

Emmett's face was surprised, then smug. "You have a certain fire to you, a lot like someone I know." He looked at his feet, rolling back on his heels. "Listen, Bella. I'm a shitty liar. You're right. I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing it for someone else. Not Jake, and not to say I wouldn't totally be interested. You're a hot babe, but there's a certain someone I hold close to my heart."

I thought about the answer. He seemed genuine, at this point. And, it was a total shot in the dark. I knew that it wasn't random he decided to sit with me, but come on; I'm the chief's daughter. What I didn't suspect was that he was doing it for someone else.

Naturally, I should have run. But, something about the amber-eyed Edward I saw in the library held me back. There had to be a connection. I wasn't insane. Just like I wasn't insane the dozens of times I asked Jake to tell me his secret, and he swore that he couldn't. Even though I knew it was something…else. Maybe it would be like that. I could just hope, that was all. And if it wasn't like that. Then no harm, no foul. I already knew I was crazy enough to conjure this up on my own.

"Jake didn't send you?" I raised my brows.

Emmett shook his head, smiling bright. "Nope. But I have questions about that guy."

"Alright then who are you doing this for? And what is this?" I gestured between us.

Emmett paused, walking ahead to a small bench next to a large pine. It sheltered us a little bit from the rain.

I pulled out my pack again, offering it to Emmett. "Didn't think you'd be going back to these so soon. You know they'll kill you, right?" He said as he took one, taking the lighter from my hand and lighting both of ours. It was strangely chivalrous. But maybe the bar was that low now.

"I've already died inside, so it doesn't matter as much now." I shrugged. "So, continue."

He sighed, leaning back. "What is this…" He tapped the cigarette to his lips in thought.

"This is me…screening you. Pre-screening."

My heart picked up at the sound of that. Maybe he was going to kidnap me and kill me or something. Why wasn't I leaving again?

"What for?" I let out a nervous laugh.

"Gauging your life. What you are doing in it. How you feel about things, and how you react."

"Why, is this some sort of blind date you're trying to set up?" I gave him a sideways glance. "Nobody wants a fucked up girl who sees her dead ex."

Emmett snorted, throwing his head back and letting out a boisterous laugh. "Bella. You're funny—"

"Looking." I rolled my eyes. "Be serious now. Why are you doing this? I don't mind being friends with you, but you don't have to pry so much."

His face grew serious. "I'm telling you the truth. I am trying to gauge your reaction to things. See where your life is headed. There's someone who I think you need to meet."

"Like a blind date? But, why? Is this just some lame ploy to kidnap me?"

"No." He rolled his eyes at me, turning to face me. "Sort of like a date. It's to see if you can be told some pretty derailing news without passing out, screaming, dying."

My brows furrowed in confusion. "There's nothing you can say to me that would do that."

"Yeah." He chuckled. "I know. I can tell you're far off of the tracks at this point. The others don't agree with me, though."

"The others?" A secret? I could feel my brain whirring with excitement. Something that would derail me completely. It was enticing, like a game. I knew it had to do with Edward. It had to. My gut told me, and I couldn't change my mind. Maybe I was obsessed, and was about to be let down though.

Emmett shrugged. "I—" His voice was cut off by the shrill tone of my phone. I flinched, jumping up to answer when I saw it was Charlie.

I flipped it open. "Hey, dad. Sorry, I was visiting with a friend. What's up?" Emmett watched me with careful eyes. Almost like this was another part of his 'screening'.

"Bella—I'm at your apartment. Where are you?"

I palmed my face. Fuck. I had forgotten that Charlie was going to be in town.

"Shit, um—yeah. Of course. I am just on campus, I was at the library and got caught up with a friend. I'm sorry I will be there in less than ten minutes."

I slammed it shut.

"I gotta go. I forgot my dad was in town." I grabbed my stuff, snuffing out my almost finished cig with my toe. "We can…do this again? Talk again? I want to know what you have to tell me. I need to know. Here." I ripped off the corner of a notebook page, scribbling my number on it. "Call me when you are available." I turned to run off, waving goodbye over my shoulder.

Emmett didn't say anything, and when I glanced back he was gone.

Forewarning- JFC please listen. I shouldn't have to say it, but I know how it goes. So, here it is—Don't ever stop taking your meds. If you have before…*sigh* Well, we all know how that goes. Don't we? So don't do it. Or else you'll have daddy Carlisle to answer to. :-P You know what, maybe that isn't a bad thing…Jk. Don't.

I ran up the steps to my floor, wheezing and panting when I reached the top. Charlie was standing with his coat folded in his arms looking…less than happy, but not annoyed? Maybe. Either way, as long as he wasn't mad.

He opened his arms, enveloping me in a hug. "Bella. I missed you so much. You had me worried there for a second."

"I missed you too. And I didn't know it was a crime to have friends." I shot at him, chuckling.

"It's not a crime. But forgetting your old man was coming to town is." He laughed with me, shooting me a parental glare.

I held the front door out to him, and he got comfortable while I went to the bathroom to change. My mind was buzzing from my conversation with Emmett. What did he mean? Who was he doing this for? What was this secret that everyone refused to discuss? I wanted to know so bad, I was tempted to try to figure out a way to dump Charlie, and pester Emmett until he told me.

Then again, he could be trying to kill me. To which he was succeeding, because I was immersed in his world of secrets.

A thought crossed my mind. Maybe, I didn't have to have those thoughts. When I wasn't taking my meds, there was no barrier that cared if I lived or died.

I looked at my PM meds for the day, sitting on the sink.

Nobody would ever know. Just for a little bit.

I opened the container, dumping the meds into the toilet.

"So…how's it been here, by yourself? Jake mentioned he came to visit you." Charlie's voice through the door interrupted my train of thought.

I yanked on some sweats, opening the door. I sighed. "Yeah, he did. It went…well, it went."

He sighed, leaning back on the couch. I sat on the floor, across the coffee table.

"Well I dunno how to feel about it, Bells. One minute he was all over you, and the next—poof—he's gone. Now she's pregnant. I worry 'bout you and how you're taking all of that."

"I'm fine." I gave a weak smile. "Really."

Charlie scratched the back of his head, avoiding my eyes. "Well, uh, he mentioned that you were seeing…Edward again." He let the statement hang in the air. No accusations, no questions. Just things he's heard.

I nodded. "Mm. Yeah. That was just a dream. I had a bad night of sleep, and it kind of made me forget real life." I shrugged it off, but he kept pushing.

"I know that's not what Jake told me. Jake told me you saw him during the day, at the library."

I frowned, my lips pursing. "Hm. Well, maybe he misheard me. It wasn't like he was paying that close of attention anyway. He only came down here out of guilt, you know?" I tried to steer the conversation away from that, bringing it to what I should be upset about but wasn't.

Charlie took the bait, and I relaxed a little. "Now Bells don't say that. Jake loves you so much. I know it. He's just…he's just trying to find his way. Some people are more graceful than others, but we are all just falling through life the same as the other."

I rolled my eyes at that. Because that was complete bullshit. "Okay." I replied simply, letting the silence hang heavy in the air.

It wasn't a minute more before Charlie patted his knees, standing up. "Right, well I'm gonna head out." He searched in his pocket for a minute, pulling out a card. "This is where I'm staying. We can find a place to meet for dinner tomorrow, yeah? Oh, and get some sleep. Don't be out all night with your friends, and take your meds."

I nodded at his incessant parenting. It was a switch that would forever be on.

Charlie left, and I flopped onto my bed with exhaustion.

At some point in the night, I woke up after a nightmare to see Edward standing in the corner of my room. I flinched, reaching for the light. When I looked again, the corner was empty. I blinked and rubbed my eyes.

Edward filled every thought I had. I would give anything to be with him right now.

Breakfast with Charlie the next day was just like back at home. We went to a small place like the diner, and sat in our own respective silence. I was trying not to be obvious, but I was jittery to get to campus, and see if I could find Emmett. He hadn't called me yet, which was disappointing. I wasn't going to let it get to me though. Seeing Edward as much as I was… it was hard to be that upset. But still, I knew it wasn't healthy. I knew he wasn't real. But there was still something about knowing that he was there for me. That he was watching over me.

Emmett's little secret was nothing compared to Edward.

"You alright there Bella?" I jumped as I was pulled from my thoughts. "Jesus kid, you're jumpy."

I let out a chaste laugh. "I'm fine. Just not used to having someone to talk to, I guess." I shrugged.

"What about your friends? You said you were with them yesterday."

Emmett. Friend, singular. And a guy. Charlie would hate it if he found that out. "I was. It's a new development though. So I'm still not used to it."

His eyes narrowed at me. I looked away to avoid his glare. "Mhm. And these friends of yours. They good people?"

I nodded, trying to steer the conversation away. "Yes of course. Do you have your first day today?"

"Don't change the subject, Bella." He scolded me.

"Fine." I sighed. "I don't know if they're good people. I literally just met them this week. So relax. I'm sure the more I get to know them, the more they will be outstanding citizens."

He grumbled, folding his arms. "Mm. So outstanding that you smell like a walking smoke shop?" He eyed me.

I could feel the blush rise in my cheeks as they filled with embarrassment.

"Mhm, that's what I thought." He gave a smug smile. "So you're on that train again, huh?"

I rolled my eyes with as much drama as I could muster. "Okay, dad. That's enough. I'm 23, and can do whatever I want. And it's helping with my stress. Don't act like you didn't smoke for years."

"That's before everyone realized they would kill you."

"Everyone already knew that. You just didn't want to believe it." I shot him a glare, indicating that the conversation was now over.

After a while he spoke. "I'm worried about you. Really worried. Something feels…off."

I shook my head. "You're just saying that because of Jake's visit."

He resigned. "Yeah, maybe. But also you seem…jumpy, agitated, and spaced out. You weren't like this last time I came to visit."

"It's just school, dad. Nothing to worry about I promise." He frowned, disappointed. "Look, thank you. For caring, and asking. I appreciate it. I promise you'll be the first one to know if something is wrong."

That seemed to satisfy him for the time being. We went our separate ways after breakfast, and I could not get away fast enough.

It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with him. I was just being selfish and couldn't help letting my curiosity take over. I needed to talk to Emmett.

I didn't have class until this afternoon, so I made my way straight to the library. I knew there was a slim chance he would be there, but then maybe I would actually get some studying done.

"Bella!" I heard my name called from across the courtyard. I looked in the direction; it was Emmett. He was with someone this time.

I smiled, making my way over. "Hey!" I couldn't hide my elation. I needed nothing more than to figure out the mystery he set before me.

He held his arms open to me. I was a bit surprised, and I'm sure that showed on my face. His arms were like giant blocks of ice, heavy. The hug was almost bone crushing. It shoved all of the air out of my lungs, making me audibly wheeze. It was too strong. An iron lock that made me aware of just how strong he could potentially be. And that if he wanted to kidnap me, he would. There wouldn't be a single thing I could do to stop him. And somehow, I didn't care about that right now.

"Jeez, Em. Don't hurt her." The girl spoke from behind him. Her voice was sweet, like a chime. I looked past him, giving her a thumbs up. She grinned at me, bouncing on the balls of her feet with what looked like…excitement?

Emmett let me go, and the girl almost pranced over. She stuck out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Alice."

I accepted, and she yanked me into the hug with the same force as Emmett did, but a little bit less tight. Her spiky raven hair tickled my face.

A light turned on inside of my head. This was a test. Emmett's words floated through my head. My reactions were crucial.

Alice let go of me, holding me at arms length. She watched me with the same curious eyes that Emmett had. Liquid pools of amber.

"Your sister?" I asked them both.

They laughed, giving each other a look before nodding. "Something like that."

"You didn't call me." I pointed out, looking at him confused.

Emmett shrugged. "Didn't need to. Alice wanted to meet you, and she was sure that you would be here today."

"So does she know—"

"Who I'm doing this for? Yes."

"We are doing this for." Alice corrected. I eyed her with curiosity.

"So, you're in on this too? Well, can we get this over with? I'm kind of losing my mind." I chuckled to make myself sound light hearted, but it was true.

Alice gave me a knowing look. "I'm sorry. I know you've been through a lot, and I don't think you're crazy. Just for the record." She sighed, giving Emmett a look. "The problem, Bella, is that the person we are doing this for doesn't agree with what we are doing."

I frowned as I tried to put the pieces together. "I don't understand. I know that you said these 'others' didn't agree. You didn't mention that the person you're doing this for doesn't agree too."

Emmett's brows furrowed. "I didn't mean it like th—"

"What he means is that the other person he's doing this for doesn't have a true appreciation of what we are trying to do. He's really lonely, you see. And he's…strange. That's why we are trying to find the perfect person. He almost never leaves his house, and it's really sad to see him wither away. We want to help, and see if he would like you. Even just to be friends. I know he will, but it's really not up to me. It's up to you. If you don't want to, then we wouldn't make you, ever. It's just… I have a really good feeling that you guys will like each other."

"But I'm not interested in dating right now."

Emmett laughed at that comment. "That's bull, and you know it. Otherwise, why did you go to coffee with me? Was it only the intention to become friends?"

My cheeks burned. " 'Kay. Fine. It wasn't my sole intention, I'll admit. But, I didn't know what you wanted, to be honest."

"That's fair." He winked at me.

I sighed, thinking about what they said. "Um, I don't know guys. I don't want you to force anyone to do anything. But if you can get him to agree, then it's worth a shot. I have a feeling there's something you're not telling me though."

Alice interjected then. "Yay! I knew you would agree! And yes, there is more than what we said. But, I promise it will be worth it once you know."

The feeling that Emmett had anything to do with Edward now flew out of my mind. It was silly to think that there was a connection. But maybe the connection was really Edward leading me to some good people.

"Why though? Emmett you know about my… problems." I looked at Alice, trying to see if he had told her.

"He lost someone too. And hasn't been the same since. That's why I think it would be good. For both of you." He shrugged.

I thought of this stranger. Maybe it really was a sign that this is what Edward wanted. And even if it was just to have another friend. The thought of having anyone to talk to about this was like dangling raw meat in front of a dog. Someone that actually understood…I was too curious to turn the opportunity down. "Okay. I'll meet this person."

Alice and Emmett beamed at me in unison. Alice was practically jumping up and down with excitement.

"This is going to be great! Can you come over today?" Her eyes went distant, and her face slack.

Emmett chuckled awkwardly, stepping in front of Alice. "Sorry about that, she gets spacey sometimes. Nothing to be worried about."

My eyes narrowed as I tried to look around him. But as quick as it happened, Alice stepped to the side of Emmett. She gave me a big smile. "So, what do you think? Our place is a little bit out of town, but maybe after your class?"

How did she know I had class? I shook my head, laughing. "Uhm, okay. What do I have to lose? My class is over at 3."

The beginning of class, I had butterflies. By the end of class, my heart felt like it was going to fall out of my butt. There still was a small voice in my head chanting that this was a bad idea. But this time, it wasn't Edward. In fact, despite being reckless I hadn't seen him at all today. My heart started to race at the thought of seeing him again, and where it would be. Probably in my sleep again. Always in my sleep.

I didn't create a plan with Alice or Emmett, so I started walking in the direction of my apartment. They would call me, I'm sure.

That was until I saw a jet black car pull up next to me. My eyes went wide for a minute, until Alice rolled down her window. The tint of the windshield was so deep, I couldn't see Emmett was driving until he ducked his head down into view.

"I know this might seem like a bit much! It was our only option today!" She hopped out of the car. "For you." She held the door open for me.

They had options on the cars they could drive?

I slid in next to Emmett. He was giant in comparison to this car and had to lean on the center console. He smiled at me, his eyes twinkling with excitement.

Alice hopped in the back seat, popping her head between us. "Let's go, let's go Em!"

The drive was really long. But we got to talk about their lives so far, and that was fun. Emmett, Alice, and their siblings had been homeschooled their whole life. The little voice in my head grew smaller even though we were in the middle of nowhere.

If Charlie knew what I was doing, he would be livid, and then have a heart attack.

We pulled down a long, muddy driveway. It was another two full minutes until I saw it.

It, as in the house—sorry, mansion. All the pieces clicked into place like the perfect puzzle. So they were rich, rich. This made sense. The strangeness about them. The isolation.

I felt my body relax into the seat, realizing that these people could very well just be telling the truth.

The house was a Victorian style home. Definitely old. It looked much like a picturesque dollhouse brought to life. The color was bright white, with dark charcoal trim. It looked brand new, too. This screamed money.

My hands started to sweat then. I realized how massively out of place I was. I glanced back at Alice, smiling at her. It felt like I took her in for the first time. Of course they were rich. Her clothes were expensive, her handbag more than my car. I looked at Emmett too with these new eyes. Although in casual clothes, I could see that they were brand new. Most likely expensive.

I blew out a deep breath as I got more nervous. I didn't belong here. I felt a delicate hand on my shoulder. "It'll be fun Bella. Stop worrying." Alice whispered in my ear.

I opened my mouth to ask, but Emmett was already opening my door to let me out.

We walked up to the front steps together. Before we got to the front door, it opened. A woman with chestnut hair and the kindest eyes I'd ever seen answered. She, like Alice and Emmett, looked perfect in every way. I would have to work on my reaction to the whole family if they all looked like this, which I had a feeling they did.

And now, I wanted to know why. Because something was up.

"Hello, Bella! I'm Esme." She took me into a hug. It was much more gentle, but she had the same frigid skin.

We walked in, and behind her I saw three other people. Two men with icy blonde hair. The last person was also blonde, and made my breath catch in my throat. She was beautiful, and I knew instantly who this was. The girl Emmett talked about, for sure. She was scowling at me, with her arms folded. Of the other two men, one of them looked friendly, and the other one looked…I don't know. Perplexed.

"Bella, we have heard so much about you. I am Carlisle."

I smiled at all of them. "Hi, um, thanks for having me over." I blushed at the sudden amount of attention. It wasn't my favorite thing in the world.

"Of course. How could we not?" Esme commented from beside me. "This is Jasper in the back as well."

There was a silence for a beat. "Uh, so is anyone going to explain this to me? Who is who? Are you all siblings?"

Alice skipped across the room to Jasper. "I knew you would want to know! See guys? I told you it would be fine." She patted Jasper's chest. "This is my partner. Esme and Carlisle are together, and then Rosalie is with Emmett. Carlisle, Jasper, and Rosalie are siblings. So, we are all Cullen's by marriage."

I frowned in confusion. They looked the same. I knew something was up, and didn't know how to go about it. This was just like with Jake, I could tell.

Emmett chimed in from beside me. "It's a lot to take in, I know." He winked at me.

I heard Rosalie huff from the other side of the room. She threw up her hands. "You guys are all ridiculous, acting like this isn't dangerous for all of us." She stormed out of the room then. Emmett winced before excusing himself to follow Rosalie.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to upset anyone—"

"Oh you did not upset her, darling. Rosalie will always find something to be upset about. We are so glad that you're here." Esme commented, steering me inside the house.

She gave me a whole tour, excluding their brother's room.

I admit, I was curious and disappointed that he left. Apparently sometimes he goes on walks for hours. That it was nothing personal. I suppose it wasn't, but it made me more unsure if this was a good idea.

On the other hand, it seemed like Alice wanted to be my friend more than anyone else. She would bring up shopping any second that she could fit it in, talking about all the fun we are going to have. It was…weird. But weird was kinda my thing.

Over the course of the night, I realized they were like martians. They didn't eat, or drink, but offered it to me constantly. I don't think they knew how much a regular person ate, to be honest. They were almost exact opposites to the things I noticed about Jake.

Where he used to eat so much food, I was worried his stomach would explode, the Cullen's ate nothing.

Jake used to shake sometimes. Tremble with anger, or strong emotions of any kind. The Cullens didn't move as much. Sometimes I would notice them shift, or ruffle their hair. Twice I saw Alice staring blank into space, and Jasper was motionless beside her. Like a statue.

So, they were a weird bunch.

As the night waned, we played board games and chatted a lot. They showed me all of their buildings and resources. I could understand why the brother never really left. Turns out that most of them didn't leave too often. I still couldn't understand how they could afford it all, but was too shy to ask. It didn't feel right to ask about someone's finances the first time you met them. But, they were all incredibly well spoken, and talented. The library they had was something out of a movie, so it wasn't surprising.

It had begun to get dark, and I was getting worried that I was imposing. They didn't notice the time at all. When it became midnight, I expected them to offer to drive me back at any point. But they didn't want to let me go. It took me nodding off in the recliner during Monopoly before anyone got the hint. I was in that strange state between asleep and awake when I heard them talking.

"She fell asleep!" Someone whispered. I tried to open my eyes to protest, but I could feel the sleep pulling me under.

"Humans sound so weird when they sleep…Her heart feels too slow now." Someone else whispered.

I tried to understand what they meant, but by then was too far gone. There was no moving me now.

My eyes fluttered, and I could hear whispering again. I tried to ignore it, getting comfortable in the chair. It stopped. After a few minutes I could hear it again.

"…go in there, now."

"I can't. This is wrong, morally. She has a life!"

"No she doesn't! I promise, Edward. It's the right choice. I've seen it."

My brows pinched together as I tried to understand what I just heard. Did they say Edward? I couldn't be sure. I hadn't seen him tonight, and that made my heart clench for a moment. No, I had heard wrong.

I tried to listen again, but it was silent. My mind started to drift again, to the better days with Edward. The days we would spend laughing. Always witty with each other, but loving.

Another voice whispered, closer to me now. "She's still grieving. So much pain. I can feel it, and I know you can too. Make your choice. Because Alice is already—"

"Alice should have stayed out of this." The voice rose a little, startling me. I jumped, sitting up.

There was no one there. But what I did notice was the same honey and rose scent that lingered in the air. The same as the one in the library.

"Edward." I whispered, my throat closing in on itself. If my chest could have caved in any more, then it would have. I pulled my knees up to my chest, breathing deep. Real, or not, I missed his smell everyday. There was nothing quite like it that gave me so much comfort. He was my home.

Alice came in at that moment. She was still in the same clothes. I glanced at my phone. 3:47.

She paused, her head cocking to the side. "I know what you're going to say. I know it's strange. And no, we don't care that you are here. Most of us actually like having company, so I never want you to feel bothered by being here."

What to say. I didn't know. Alice knew my question, or did she know my thoughts? There was definitely something going on here. I wanted to ask, but decided I shouldn't. I needed more evidence to be sure.

Alice walked over to the edge of the sofa that was closest to me. She perched on it, folding her hands over her knee. "Can I be honest with you?"

I shrugged, not finding any reason she couldn't be. "Go for it."

She sighed. "I know this is all…strange. It is going to get more strange everyday you're around us, if you want to be around us. I know that you're grieving, and alone. I just wanted to take a minute to tell you I'm sorry for your loss. And you can tell me anything, I'll never think you're crazy."

I smiled, "thanks, Alice." I never had someone sound so genuine before. They all were genuine. "Things are hard sometimes but I'm trying to take it day by day."

Alice nodded, her eyes looked sad. "I've lost people in my life too. I think it always hurts worse when they choose not to be in your life though. Especially when they could." She shot a glare to the doorway, but no one was there. She sighed with exasperation, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah. Feels that way sometimes." I said, distracted. There was something about the way she was talking. I could feel the mystery start to piece itself together, but my brain wouldn't or couldn't. Who knows.

"Is there something you want to tell me?…" I whispered to her.

Alice's eyes glazed over, and I watched her for a minute before she started blinking before me. She looked shocked before her face broke into a grin. I blinked, and she was gone.

"Alice?" I called, whipping my head around trying to see her.

"Bella." I heard from behind me. It was a throaty whisper. I froze. I knew that voice anywhere. Why was this happening? Now?

I turned around slowly, my face making contact with a white cotton t-shirt only inches from me. I looked up, seeing him. Edward.

His perfect face. It looked a bit different, but I would attribute that to my brain not being flawless at recreating his glory. His hair was more tousled, and rough looking. That's when my eyes met his.

My breath left me as I gasped. They weren't green. They were the familiar amber of every other person in this house besides me. They were amber, and crazed. I took an involuntary step back, and saw his expression changed.

I noticed then that he was almost panting, his hands partly outstretched to me. I paused, leaning in closer to him.

"Wow, you look so real." I said, reaching a hand out to him. His dark brows pinched together, his eyes following my hand as it hovered over his cheek. He never reacted to me that way.

Of course this would happen here. I was delirious after my sleep. Did Alice even come in here, or did I make that up too?

"Bella…" He whispered, his hands reaching out again.

"Not here, not here." I gripped my arms around myself, squeezing my eyes shut. "You're not real."

Something ice cold, but feather light tickled my cheek.

I opened my eyes. Edward's hand was outstretched, the same as mine had been. He was touching my cheek. My hand flew up to feel it, my eyes going wide.

I gripped onto it with all of my strength, pressing it into my cheek. Turning my nose to it, I could smell his sweet scent of honey and rose. Tears pricked my eyes.

I looked up at him. He wasn't crying, but his face was crumpled in a way that made him look broken. Shattered. Still, he was so beautiful it was impossible. No human being could look like this. He was an angel. And angels weren't real..

My hand wrapped around his. I brought it down, squeezing it again.

"Bella…I'm here. It's me." My eyes felt like magnets to his.

"This isn't real." I whispered, the air squeezed from my body.

Edward nodded, picking up my hand in his, bringing it to his lips. "I swear it is." They were cold, but supple.

"No. It's not. You are dead." I shook my head in disbelief.

"It's…hard to explain, and it's a lot. I don't want you involved in this if you think that it's not real. You need to be able to understand everything or it will be even more dangerous."

"But you're not the real Edward. I've seen you too many times. I know this game." Maybe I was still dreaming. I looked around, trying to find anything that was out of place.

I couldn't trust that he was real. Not until I kissed him. That was something I was never able to do. Not in dreams, not with hallucinations. Never. I would know he was real then.

I turned my face up to him, wrapping my arms around him. He felt so real. I pinched the fabric of his shirt, rubbing it between my fingers. That felt real too.

My chest twisted in pain. If this wasn't real, I was going to have a lot to work through in the morning.

"Kiss me." I whispered.

Edward looked shocked at first. Then in that instant his eyes grew darker. It sent shivers up my spine. His hands slid down my body, hooking around my back. I could feel the weight of them resting on me. My heart thrummed in my ears as I leaned up on my tip toes, his lips just brushing against mine.

His lips felt tingly with cold, melting against mine. His breath was sweet, and made my head dizzy. Our mouths moved in unison as our hands explored each other.

We broke away from one another, our noses still touching.

He was real. He had to be. I didn't know how, or why. But this was too real. I guess the only way to be truly sure was if someone else could see him. And why was he here, or all the places?

"You're real." I whispered.

He smiled, nuzzling into me as his arms wrapped around tighter. He had the same iron lock grip that I noticed with the others. It all wasn't a coincidence, I was sure. He made a small choking noise. "You realize now?"

I let go of him, stepping away. His eyes were filled with sorrow the second I stepped away, reaching out for me. "I have a million questions." My heart started to catch up with my mind then, speeding up to a horse's gallop.

I sat down, running my hands down my face. The room started to close in, my vision going fuzzy around the edges. My hands started to sweat as my stomach turned. I was gonna hurl. I leaned over, putting my head in between my legs, trying to make the spinning stop.

This was too much to process. Edward was alive. I think.

My vision went black, and all of a sudden I could hear multiple far away voices.

"Bella!" Edward cried. His voice ricocheted in my head.

"She's only fainted, Edward. Calm. Bella, can you hear me? She's fine. Listen to her heart, she's fine. This is a great shock to her nervous system. It's impressive she didn't faint the second she saw you."

"Only a minute longer. She can hear you all." Someone I was almost sure was Alice, said.

My fingers started to tingle, and I could feel a cool hand pressed to my forehead. The voices grew silent. My eyes opened to see 6 faces hovering over me. They all had the same strange, beady, golden pupils. It was creepy, to be honest.

I blinked, sitting up as quickly as I could. I felt a heavy hand pressing me down. It was Carlisle.

"Bella, you just fainted. You shouldn't sit up so fast. Slower next time, okay?"

I nodded, choosing silence instead of whatever my fuzzy brain would spew. I sat up slower, trying to get my bearings.

I could hear mumbling behind me, and turned to see Edward and Carlisle murmuring about something.

"Well, say it so everyone else can hear, would you? I heard you anyway while I had my…episode. I'm fine, now can everyone give me some space. Please?"

The faces backed away immediately. Except for Edward. I could feel his hands brushing my back. So everyone saw him. He was real.

I turned to him, watching the way the light from the lamp next to me worked on the shadows in his face. I reached out to touch him again, forgetting that there were others around. I poked his cheek, feeling the cold like ice and yet the skin still dimpled where there was contact.

It was a wonder how this was possible. Did he leave me that day? Did he ever go missing?

He wasn't the same though…

I turned his head from side to side. The notch on the bridge of his nose where Jake hit him with a football when we were 15 was gone. Instead sat a perfect, straight bridge with snow-like skin on top. And… his eyes. Those beautiful green eyes were gone. My heart squeezed in pain.

Edward cleared his throat, glancing around the room. When I turned, it was empty.

"I have a lot of questions, Edward."

He nodded, his hand tracing up my back and twirling a strand of hair in his hands. "I'll answer whatever you want to know. As long as you know that once I tell you, you will have to bear the secret forever. It's not a small thing. Nothing will be normal again."

The simple fact that he was going to tell me was enough to make me stop caring about whether or not it would have consequences. Edward was in front of me, in the flesh. I would do anything to keep this. This was my eternal wish from the moment he went missing.

"I don't care. I need answers." I took a deep breath. "What happened 5 years ago, Edward. I need to know. Did you leave me? Did you not want to be together anymore? Did something happen?" I spewed out as many of the questions as I could, begging on the inside that he would answer even just one of them.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, his face scrunching with pain. "Bella…I would never leave you. Ever. Something did happen, yes."

A lump in my throat formed, forcing it shut. I didn't realize how hard this was going to be to talk about. I stood up, walking to the nearest window. It was larger than me standing, but I couldn't see out. It was too dark. But it was better than having to look at him for this conversation.

There was still a part of me that didn't want to look away from him for fear that he would disappear. Still, I resisted.

"I was attacked." Edward said from behind me. "That day, I had decided to drive because I wanted to go to your favorite breakfast spot in Port Angeles. I thought it would be a nice surprise, since you always make me breakfast. The person attacked me in the parking lot, before I had even turned off the ignition. I don't remember much after that."

I leaned my head on the glass, feeling faint again at the reminders of that night.

"Go on." I said.

He sighed. "I woke up in the middle of the forest days later. I was different after that. There were things about me that I didn't have before. I was faster, stronger…among other things."

I turned to him.

"So what happened?" I folded my arms around myself. He looked so sad, it was everything I could do to keep from wrapping my arms around him again. I wanted the story. The truth.

He sat down, his arms hanging limp at his sides with grief. "I died."

I couldn't help but be confused. "You…died?" I clarified. Edward nodded, slow.

"I did. Then I came back as-as…this." He held up his hands, gesturing to himself.

I walked over to him, sitting on the floor across from him. "As what? What do you mean by stronger, and faster?"

His face crumpled. "I'm a monster, Bella…"

Scooting closer and sitting on the balls of my feet, I grabbed his chin, lifting his eyes to mine. "No, you're not." I didn't understand what he was trying to say to me, but my Edward could never be a monster. Not even with the new golden glow in his eyes. Not even then.

He shook me off. "I am." He reached out for the wooden coffee table, gripping the edge. It almost disintegrated completely. Small chunks of wood, and dust plumed out from his hand, falling onto the floor.

My heart sped up, but I tried to stay calm. He wasn't a monster.

I put my hand over his, dusting off the rest of the wood before tracing the lines of his palm as I had done so many years ago. "You could never be a monster to me."

"What if I told you that this wasn't even the worst part." He whispered in horror.

I shrugged. "Then tell me. What are you now? I'm not stupid, Edward. I know something is up. Your family lured me here, and it's obvious you are the brother. You couldn't even face me… Aside from that, your family doesn't eat. They move so fast I can't see. And you all have the same color eyes. You're all acting like how Jake used to act."

Edward frowned. "You have noticed a lot. Jake? Is he…"

"Let's talk about it after this. Tell me." I urged.

He paused, his eyes searching mine for a while. I don't know how long we sat there for, but my heart sped each moment that passed. I needed to know. What was this secret he was keeping?

"If I tell you, you can not go running out of the front door. You must give me time to explain."

I rolled my eyes, convinced that there wasn't a single thing he could say to me to get rid of me. "What happened to you, Edward? I know there are…other things out there. Just tell me."

He took a deep breath. "I'm a vampire."

My brows pinched together as I tried to piece things in place. "V-vampire? Like the kind that sucks blood?"

He nodded. His face was reserved, but I could see the anxiety building inside of him.

"How?" I asked, my voice small.

"I was bit. The person that got me in the parking lot bit and fed on me. He drove my car to the nearest forest, and dumped my body there. I don't think they know that I survived."

"Wh-what? So you don't know who did it?"

He shook his head. "I wandered for weeks. I fed…fed on humans. I didn't mean to I—" He put his head in his hands.

Tears stung my eyes. I couldn't stop them from brimming and flowing over. The crushing sadness I felt for him. "But you couldn't control it. Could you?"

"Not for the first few years. I found Carlisle, and the rest of them a few months after my change. They drink animal blood. So, they taught me how to."

The tears wouldn't stop flowing, but I couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Edward. You're not a monster. You couldn't be."

He raised his head, giving me an incredulous look. "Bella, I just told you I'm a vampire and have literally murdered people."

I laughed again, this time it bubbled out. I couldn't tell what was happening. It wasn't funny, what he was telling me. But it was. He was a vampire. Edward was alive. He drank blood. My whole life just got flipped on its side at 4 AM on a Thursday. It was hilarious.

I bent over, the laughter still coming out in copious amounts. It was like vomit, but laughter. I couldn't stop it. Edward looked at me strangely, and I tried to talk through it. "I-I'm S-Sorry."

I took a deep breath, trying to suppress the giggles. I smiled at him, trying to override the embarrassing fit I just had. I climbed up on the couch next to him, leaning my head on my hand that rested on the back of the couch. "I'm sorry." I placed my hand in his. "It's not funny. But I don't think you're a monster. You're a vampire. But a vampire, gone vegetarian? Hilarious. Do you even have fangs?" I asked, reaching for his upper lip to tease him. He swatted me away, the despaired look disappearing under a crooked smile.

"There." I said. "That's what I really want to look at. Do you really think I would react some sort of way when I just got you back? Edward you could have grown a third eye, and I would still love you. I never stopped." I paused, my mind flashing to Jake. "There are still a lot of things we need to talk about. But, can we save it for tomorrow? I have a lot more questions about you. Do you live with these people? Are you safe? What have you been doing for years?"

He nodded, thoughtfully. "We can discuss those later, I agree." He set his hand on my thigh, sending the same electrical charge up my spine that it used to. I forgot how much I missed the simple things. Just touching him, and talking with him. My eyes teared up again. Tears I was sure weren't going to stop.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, his eyes wide with worry.

I shook my head, wiping my eyes. "Nothing. Just happy. Continue."

He sighed, reaching a hand out to wipe one of my tears. His hand was so cold it gave me more shivers. "I never thought I would see you again. That's all. Can we be done for the day? To be honest, Carlisle thinks that you're in shock and this was more than enough for you."

Carlisle came in then, as if he had been waiting there for the best moment to interrupt us.

"Hello, Bella. I should have introduced myself clearly earlier. I am a doctor. I would love to check on you, if that's alright? I believe you're experiencing a low amount of shock, and it would bring peace of mind if we can confirm you're okay." He brought a leather bag, and set it on the table.

I was hesitant, but Alice came in too. "She's going to be fine, Carlisle. You can take a day off from saving lives sometimes." She rolled her eyes.

Edward looked at Alice for a long while, before confirming. "She's right. Thank you Alice."

"How did you know?" I frowned, looking between the both of them. Carlisle looked between all of us. Edward looked stressed, and Alice was still smug. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

"Edward can read minds. Alice can see the future. It is one of their vampiric gifts."

My eyes narrowed on Edward. "You can read my mind? This whole time, and you didn't say anything?" I panicked.

Edward stammered. "I-I can't read your mind. Don't worry. You're the only one."

I heard a giggle escape from Alice. I clamped my mouth shut. A swell of relief washed over me. He couldn't hear me.

"Promise?" I asked.

"Pinky." He replied.

I turned to Alice now. "So that's why you space off sometimes, and you know everything there is to know." Alice grinned, clapping and almost jumping in her seat.

"Yep!"

I took a deep breath. Things were starting to make sense now. "Is there anything else I need to know?"

Everyone exchanged looks, but Edward spoke. "Nothing for now, love. I would love to show you my room. You can sleep in there if you are still tired."

I nodded, although I had no intention of sleeping any time soon.

We went upstairs, to the very top floor. The attic.

I expected it to be dark, and dingy. But instead it was clean, and quite beautiful. CD's lined the walls, along with books of every kind stacked around in miscellaneous piles. There was a couch and a plush bed with a stark white cover. There was a sky light, showing the rising light from the day and the stars together.

"Wow." It was all I could say. I walked around, studying and memorizing all that I could about it. The times that I had wondered about what he would have done if he hadn't disappeared. It was all here. Every wish I had about being able to see him again, and bask in his essence, was here. A raw representation of his personality.

"What are you thinking," he said. He was standing in the center of his room, hands in pockets. He looked…nervous.

I smiled at him, trying to keep the tears at bay, at least for the time being. "This is a really beautiful room."

"Without filtering, please. I know that's now what you're actually thinking." He frowned.

"I thought you said you couldn't read my mind?" I raised a brow. He cracked a small smile, so I was getting somewhere with his anxiety. I sighed. "I was thinking about all of the times I would wonder what you would be doing right now. Or what your interests would be. But now I have that. All of that, right here." I ran my finger along the shelves of books, looking at the titles.

I came across one of them in particular that was important to me. Wuthering Heights. It was a worn, old copy. "That one… is yours." He stepped closer to me, standing behind me. He reached out, plucking the book from its place. I recognized my small print on the top right-hand side.

I turned to him with wide eyes. "How did you get this?"

Edward frowned. "I didn't tell you the whole story. When I first…fed. I went straight to the apartment. No one was there, but I could…smell you. You smelled so delicious I ran away in fear, and killed two hikers. I didn't leave without grabbing one thing that reminded me of you, but didn't make me want to eat it. It smells like the perfect mixture of you, ink, and paper."

I paused. Thinking of how it could have gone if I had been there. Would he have killed me too?

"I didn't go to our apartment for months." I whispered.

Edward grabbed onto my hand, dragging me to the couch. "What? What happened to you after?"

I didn't know what to tell him. That I fell apart and died a little more each day? That I tried to kill myself? That I stopped taking my meds just to see him again? I was a full blown psycho at this point.

The attic started to feel a lot smaller than it had just a moment before. My mouth went dry, and I could feel the twisting in my stomach telling me what was coming. The guilt, the pain. The racing heart, and dizzying thoughts. Not being able to breathe, yet breathing too fast to keep up. I turned around suddenly, heading down the ladder. "I need some air." I whispered, my mouth felt like it was stuffed with fabric.

I headed down the stairs, thankfully not seeing anyone.

The fresh, crisp morning air was like a slap in the face. I gasped, leaning my hands on my knees. I reached into my pocket, pulling out a cig and lighting it. I inhaled the sweet bitter fire. It yanked my senses together almost instantly. My brain buzzed.

I walked around a little bit, not straying too far that I couldn't see the house, but still not in their front yard.

I felt a whoosh of air, and a soft thump from behind me. I turned to see it was Edward. He was further back, not encroaching on my space.

"Bella…we talked a lot about what happened to me. I feel selfish that I hadn't asked about you. It was selfish, and I'm sorry."

I let out a chaste laugh. "Yeah, Edward, things were not so great over here."

He took a step closer, gesturing to me. "You have changed, I can see that. I understood the moment I laid eyes on you. Tell me what happened."

"You don't wanna know." I whispered, taking another out and lighting it.

"I need to know. I have to. I know we said we would talk later, but let's do it now. We need to. Start from the beginning, and don't spare me any details. I want to know. I'm not used to not being able to hear someone's unfiltered thoughts."

I would have to tell him, he was right. But knowing that he was here, locked alone and just doing his hobbies while I sat out there living my human life. Getting older. And that the unfiltered story was sad, and depressing. It wasn't going to be possible to lie to him, though.

"Edward…When you died, I died." I said, leaning against a tree. "I didn't eat, or sleep for a while. We looked for you for three weeks…" my voice caught in my throat. "I-um. I was in and out of mental facilities for trying to…end things. Not my proudest moment. At one point, I used to see you. Or, an image of you that my mind made up to cope—"

"That's why you thought I wasn't real."

I gave him a regretful smile. "Yeah. I see a version of you. I recently stopped my meds because I had been seeing you again. So…" I paused, looking at my feet. "I did a lot of horrible things. I fell in on myself, basically. But uh, I was with Jake…for a while."

I could see him tense up when I said his name. He relaxed again, moving closer to me and grabbing hold of my hand. "You need to take your meds. I'm real. Can't have you seeing two of me, now. And with Jake, that's what should have happened. As much as it killed me. I saw you two together once. It was a year ago. I was…going to check on you, and saw you walking hand in hand with him. How long?"

"Two years." I coughed out. It hurt to admit. Almost as much as it hurt to know that Edward was checking on me all these years, but never got close. I didn't understand. Not yet, at least.

"And you're not together anymore?" Edward whispered, lifting my hand to his lips and running them across my knuckles.

I shook my head. "He broke up with me." He nodded.

"I heard that from Emmett. He's insane for doing that."

I shrugged. "He met his 'one true love' as he told me. They're having a baby now."

His mouth downturned in the corners. "How could he treat you like that? You are such a light, Bella. Anyone who passes you up is a fucking fool." He said.

"There's something different about Jake, Edward. Something told me that it wasn't his fault he felt like this."

His brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"They're…different. Like you. Really strong, and fast. There's almost something magical about them. He never would tell me, but once I swore I saw him morph into a wolf. And when he met Natalie, he looked at her the same way that his friends looked at their wives. Even though he didn't tell me, I knew something was always up."

Edward looked towards the house, standing still for a moment. "Carlisle says they are shapeshifters, you're right. Bella, you were with a wolf? All these years I tried to hide from you out of fear that I would put you in danger… Instead you found just another form of it."

His hand brushed my cheek, sending my heart galloping. "I'm sorry. That it took me this long. If I had known, I would have revealed myself sooner. I just wanted you to have a human life, free from supernatural danger."

I shrugged. "Guess it's not my thing." I met his eyes, the amber pools darkened to almost pitch black in the early morning light. The sun was beginning to rise now.

"Are you going to burn if we don't get you out of the light?" I whispered as he moved closer to me, my pulse racing. He looked irresistible right now.

He broke the moment with a laugh, his head dipping down. "No. It's even worse. I sparkle. Like a personal glitter bomb."

I covered my mouth, trying to hide my smile. The humor after something so serious was a relief. "No, you lie."

He shook his head, his shoulders shaking with laughter. "I'm perfectly serious. It's the most ridiculous and annoying thing I've experienced."

Our noses were almost touching now. His cool breath collided against my flushed skin. I couldn't help but want to kiss him. Maybe I should have cared about his new appetite for blood, or his impeccable strength, but I couldn't. He was everything I wanted, forever.

The forest was silent, aside from the distant chirping of birds and other forest life.

His lips were crushing against mine in an instant. I tried to catch my breath, but it leaked out of me as my head spun with the intensity of him. He pressed me against the tree, hitching my leg on his hip as he ran his tongue across my lip. It tingled, leaving a gentle coolness as a print. Evidence that this was real.

We kissed for what felt like hours. Eventually the sun came up, and he was right. He really did glitter. It was beautiful, but I still laughed. I would never admit to him that it was probably the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. That would've sent his already big ego over the edge, I'm sure.

He didn't ask about my time without him anymore. I was glad. It was too much to think about, and I hated that.

The only thing that broke the silence was when my phone started to ring. My heart dropped to my stomach again. It was Charlie. I glanced at the time. It really had been hours. And, it was time for my breakfast with him. And I wasn't home. Shit, I was screwed.

I recoiled from the phone as I answered it, my mind searching for an explanation.

"Hey Bells! I'm at your door. I've rang a few times. You still sleeping?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, walking away from Edward's shocked face. I assume this was the first time he heard Charlie since he—you know.

"Um, no dad. I'm sorry I completely forgot. I'm not home right now, I actually-er stayed the night with a friend."

He was silent for a beat. "Oh-Oh. I see. Are you safe?—You know what, alright, I trust you. Well um, I'll uh-see you tomorrow morning!" The line clicked off. That was the most awkward conversation I could have had with my father. Whatever he thought, I knew he didn't believe me all the way, which was fine. I would just have to come up with something by tomorrow.

"Charlie hasn't gotten any less protective, has he?" Edward said, sliding up behind me.

I shook my head. "No. That's going to be an issue, too. Can't exactly tell him I'm seeing you, again."

His eyes filled with sorrow to the top. I wished I could take it away from him. "I will always have to be your secret. I'm so sorry for that."

"Why?" I grabbed onto his hand. "You won't be my secret, Edward. I know I can't ever tell Charlie, or Jake…but we can figure it out. Can't we?"

Edward frowned, his brows pinching together. "That's where I have bad news. We don't have forever. My family has been here for almost seven years. It's been too long for Carlisle to blend in and not age. We will have to move soon. That's why Alice and Emmett found you…they didn't want me to be alone forever." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I wanted you to have a human life, filled with experiences. I didn't realize you had only just barely gotten by. I didn't know you were struggling still…I don't agree with how I felt anymore. We both aren't living. Not in the way we wanted to. So, now I want to try. I want you to come with us. Come with me. Live life with me, again. At least for the few short years we have together." His deep eyes were sincere, and filled with admiration. I loved him so much it hurt. But there was something wrong.

"Few short years? What do you mean?"

"I don't age, Bella. I am stuck at 20 forever."

I stopped dead in my tracks. "Oh. Yeah. Of course you are, that makes sense." It didn't. I was completely shocked, and horrified. He was 20. Forever. He was always older than me, but not by much. Only a few months. He wasn't aging, and I was.

"How do you think that is going to work out when I'm 50, and you're still 20?" I said, the little bit of anger I had visible in my voice.

He looked at me, eyes filled with sympathy. "I…don't know."

That wasn't going to happen, I decided.

"You're going to have to change me." I whispered, mostly to myself.

Edward recoiled. "No, absolutely not. I'm a monster."

"I don't see a monster. I don't think any one of you is a monster. Do you feel that way about Alice, or Carlisle too?"

He was silent.

"Yeah. They're not. So you aren't either." I sighed, gripping both of his hands and turning to him, forcing him to look me in the face. "I can't live without you. I've been doing it for five years and it doesn't feel like much of an option anymore. I'm sad, and alone. Jake left me, the only person that was the closest and most familiar to you. I have nothing besides Charlie. Charlie would be okay if I moved away for a bit, or went on a supposed discovery trip for myself. He would never know." I squeezed his hands until the cold of his skin made my fingertips numb. "Please, Edward. I don't want to grow old, and die. Not with you staying stuck here forever. What will you do after that? Why can we not spend eternity together?"

I was almost begging at this point. Anything that would make sure I didn't have to spend any more time away from him was what I wanted to do. No matter what it was.

He looked pained, his nostrils flaring. "I just…can't condemn you to that. Can you please just come with us, and see if you can enjoy this time as a human? Maybe I can change your mind?"

I frowned. He couldn't change my mind. But, maybe if I went, I could convince him that me being a vampire made no difference aside from no longer worrying about my biological clock ticking away each day. "Maybe I can change yours. How does your family feel about all of this?"

His face went serious, eyes narrowing. "They don't agree with me. Only Rosalie does. She thinks I'm stealing your life, and that you'll regret it in a few years when you want children."

I chuckled, giving him a look. "Well, you know how I feel about that. That hasn't changed. I don't want kids. Ever. I also have almost no family, and I have no future aside from a measly college degree. I was just skimming by until I finally stopped feeling guilty for being alive. Then I would end it. That was my plan." It flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. I regretted it immediately.

"I'm so sorry… I didn't know that my loss would affect you so much—"

"Yeah. Okay, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Let's just agree to disagree for now. Just don't ever leave me again. Ok? I will come with you, and I will show you."

"Okay." He whispered, kissing the back of my hand before pulling me along into the house again.

Everyone was sitting in the living room, doing their own respective hobbies. Esme was sketching something next to Carlisle, who was reading. Alice and Jasper were dancing slow to some music that was playing quietly on the stereo. Rosalie and Emmett were playing video games. It was relaxed, and calm. The only strange thing about it was the fact that they were almost completely still. They all looked up at us in unison. Alice skipped over to me, giving me a crushing hug again.

"I'm so glad you're coming with us! I planned this all from top to bottom. I hope that's alright with you." She giggled, holding me at arms length before hugging me again. "Oh my god we are going to be best friends!"

I couldn't help but laugh. I heard Rosalie scoff. When I looked over, she was stalking out of the room. I could tell this was going to be interesting. But it was better than where my boring life was going. A strange new chapter.

"When do we leave?" I asked.

"2 months."

Book 2, coming soon.

In my vampy world, vamps are soft. Because them being hard like marble through and through gives… corpse. And, I hate it.*

Any other consistencies, I'm sorry for. This was written in one week. My eyes feel like peeled grapes.*