AN: i freaking love writing this story, it's a lot of fun. I'm curious, each chapter we learn a bit more. What do you think went wrong between these two? We see a bit more of it in this chapter, but lord knows that isn't the entire story. We are about halfway through now, and lucky (maybe) for you, my GG muse is spiralling.

Disclaimer: i own nothing

Chapter Six

They danced like that for a moment. His fingers slipping under the hem of her dress and up her back as their tongues battled. Her hands on his cheeks, his shoulders, his neck, eventually tangling themselves in his hair as he sat up to get closer to her. Heaving chests pressed together, she could feel his growing excitement and Jesus, she hadn't felt like this in years. Sure, she had enjoyed many years of sex, good sex, great sex even. But nothing had ever compared to those few months where Logan had known her body like the bag of his hand.

"Fuck, Rory," god he would do anything to never forget what she tasted like, how her lips felt against his, how they fit together just right. Logan pulled away, he used his arms to force them apart gently but firmly and he saw the hurt in her eyes, the moment where she wondered if he didn't want her, and dear god he wanted her, he had never stopped, but that didn't mean he could have her. Not now. Not with so much still up in the air, so much still unknown…it had taken him years to get over her, and now a couple of days back in their little bubble and he was risking all of the progress he had made. "I can't go back there, I can't do this with you…I wish that I could, I wish that I could do casual with you but you know I can't. Don't ask me to pretend? Ok? I can't pretend with you. Never really could."

Rory felt like everything was spinning. He was holding her away and she almost stumbled off of him, a mixture of horror and regret would have been simple, but no, she felt sad that he was rejecting her in such a final way. "I'm sorry," she told him, swallowing the lump in her throat and tucking a loose hair behind her ear, "I just…nostalgia, I got carried away. I shouldn't have done that. We're not even friends, we're just…we are exes here for the same thing, and I shouldn't have crossed that line."

He was up, faster than he should've been. He was up and he was gone taking the familiar route back to his parents place from her grandparents. It was all too much. By the time he got up the stairs to the back of the property, he walked swiftly past the pool and across the patio, into the house. He took stairs two at a time as he stripped off his clothes. This was too much. Too fucking much. He wasn't sure who he was kidding. Pretending for a few days that he and Rory were friends. That he could just pick up like they hadn't had that one summer together. The summer where everything changed. The summer that had made Logan believe in love and had brought him to his knees all within a matter of months. No, Logan couldn't go back to before that because that year had changed him.

"I told you not to see her," his sister was in his ear before she even said hello. "And don't try to deny it."

"I'm not denying anything," Logan hit the button to turn the phone on speaker and tossed it on his bed. "God Honor she gets into my fucking head like no one I've ever known and I don't know."

"What happened?" Honor asked. She tried to sound bored, but that was for Logan's benefit. She didn't want him to think that she had been waiting by the phone expecting some sort of spontaneous combustion between the former couple. "Are you alright? Want me to come kick her ass?"

"You've got newborns at home," Logan laughed, he peeled off his shirt and tossed it in the hamper. He'd have to do his laundry after the service the next day, then he was outta there. Park the car in the garage, lock the place up and leave it for whoever in his family was coming next. "Don't think I don't appreciate the offer though."

"I have a night nurse," Honor laughed. Her twins, Oliver and James were 8 weeks old and she was certain she was not sleeping more than 3 hours a night even with a night nurse. "I swear, P slept way more than this," she referred to her 3 year old daughter Penelope who had been a great sleeper from day one. "If this is how these kids are going to be, I need to drop them at a fire station before they learn their last name and home address."

"Just drop them with mom and dad," Logan laughed, "that'll scare em' straight."

"Yes just like an episode of Maury." Honor paused for a moment and Logan thought he heard the muffled cry of one of her 3 children somewhere in the background, "Logan what is going on?"

"All done with small talk?" He sighed, he took off his watch and his blue shorts and black boxer briefs before pulling on a paper of loose fitting cotton pyjama pants and returning to the bed where his phone was settled into the luxurious white duvet cover and pillows. It was still his room. The one he had occupied for decades, although when his mother had remodelled a couple of years earlier, she had re-done all of the spaces, so instead of dark woods and moody blues and burgundy in his room, it was all light woods and white, very fresh, linens, beachy…Logan preferred it, although he wouldn't be telling his mother that. "C'mon, what has P been up to? How has soccer been?"

"Penelope gave up soccer after a week and now Josh just takes her to that little cafe by the water instead," she referred to her own summer home in the Hamptons where she spent most of her summer. "I tried to remind him that we agreed, if she wanted to sign up for a sport, she had to follow through, but apparently I'm just mean, sleep deprived mommy and I don't get a vote. Oh, and Ollie had terrible diaper rash the other day because he had an ear infection, so the doctor gave him antibiotics which then cleared out his gut of healthy bacteria and his shit is liquid and burning his asshole…any other small talk I can give you?" Honor barely paused for a moment, "the stitches I have in my vagina have finally healed. I don't know what I was thinking saying I wanted to wait for a c-section because it wouldn't have been an easier recovery, but there wouldn't have been stitchesnear my asshole."

"Ok, Rory it is. Enough small talk for today."

"If you insist," Honor was grinning, he could tell. "Spill baby brother."

"I picked her up, we went to see Jane…it was like old times, you know? I mean, not like old times because we were kids then. But it felt the same. It felt good. Jane told us about everything that has gone on there, she told Rory about my engagement, a bit about Allison."

"Allison was a bitch," Honor interrupted, "sorry. But…it has to be said. Rory was at least a kid…Allison was just a bitch."

"She wasn't a bitch. She was in a shitty situation, we were both doing what we thought was right, and it wasn't. Wasn't right for either of us. I appreciate your loyalty, but I wasn't good to her either." Logan wasn't looking to get into the nitty gritty of his 2 most painful breakups. While he and Allison weren't meant to be by any stretch of the imagination, coming home to their townhouse to find a note and the engagement ring sitting on the counter was a pretty harsh blow, but he had survived. He had gutted the townhouse, gotten rid of the blush coloured velvet couch that Allison had desperately wanted, he had made it modern, he had made it his and he couldn't wait to get back there in a couple of days.

"At least you got rid of that god awful couch."

"She wanted the couch," he laughed, "anyway, we caught up, reminisced, she had a few drinks, was definitely buzzed. So was Jane, but I think she had a gummy back there or something because she was not just…buzzed Jane, you know?" They had both seen it before, Jane after a few drinks, swaying and giggling, no this Jane was just a little bit different.

"Oh I know," Honor laughed, she hadn't seen Jane since the summer before, but she knew exactly what he was talking about. "She ok? Losing Neil must be so hard for her. I can't even imagine. Josh may drive me nuts, but…he's mine. I wanna do this with him," she realized almost instantly that she had not said the right thing in the moment.

"We had some food, we were talking, sitting on the patio…one thing led to another, we were kissing," Logan was trying to blow through it all now. The sooner he got off this call, the sooner he could go to bed. The sooner he went to bed, the sooner he got to the service and once that was over, once that was done, he was out of there. It reminded him of his logic around Christmas and Easter. If he went to bed early on Christmas Eve or the Saturday before Easter Sunday, surely Santa and the Easter Bunny would come sooner. He would apply that same logic to getting the hell out of town without any more run ins with Rory. Sure the service was in the afternoon, but he could still get out quickly. Get packed, get everything tidied up, head to the service, come back, get his bag and get an Uber to take him to the airport.

Easy.

"And the kissing was…"

"What do you mean?" Logan ran a hand through his hair. He was tired, he was frustrated, and he was sad. He didn't need his sister psychoanalyzing his makeout session even if he had been the one who called her.

"Did you still feel it?" Honor asked, her voice had softened. She wasn't trying to poke fun at him or drive him crazy anymore, she was asking. "After all these years, does it still feel like it did?"

Logan closed his eyes and looked up at his ceiling, studying the modern moulding that had been put in during the renovation. "It felt like I was a kid again Honor. It felt like I was where I was supposed to be and with who I'm supposed to be with. But then Honor, I opened my eyes and I was so fucking scared." He admitted, he couldn't be sure if he was admitting it to his sister or to himself, "she just left. I never heard from her again. She left, her grandparents wouldn't tell me where she was. She wouldn't answer her phone…then I thought I'd see her at Yale and I find out she fucking transferred to Princeton…and she just went on living…like it hadn't mattered. Like I hadn't even existed. So yeah, Hon, it still felt like it did, but then I opened my eyes and it felt like shit."

"When are you coming back to the city? Hell, forget the city, come stay with us for a few days." Honor knew that Logan only made his way out to the Hamptons when he was socially obligated to, it wasn't his kind of place. He didn't need to be seen, he preferred the peace of Martha's Vineyard while Honor preferred the relatively quick jaunt to her vacation property.

"I've got work," Logan stated and they both knew it was an answer, even if nothing he did couldn't be done from his computer at her house. "I just need to get out of here. I'm going to catch a flight tomorrow. Cut it a day short. I can't do this with her." Logan paused and looked at the time on his phone, he knew his sister must be exhausted, he was exhausted and he didn't have 3 kids to take care of. "When was the last time you saw her?" Logan asked cautiously. He had never really asked her the question directly. It was always just assumed that if she had seen Rory, she would have told him. He wondered if they had seen her the last time that same morning when he kissed her and walked out the door, Finn and Colin behind him, promising her he'd be back in 3 weeks.

Honor paused, "at a clinic in town, you know the one that doubles as a drug store?" she answered, "about 2 weeks after you left. She said she had gotten an ear infection and needed some antibiotics. I was picking up some pedialyte for Josh because he had drunk himself into a stupor and couldn't keep anything down. I told her I'd see her in a couple of weeks when you were back, she smiled and said she would see me then."

"Like it was nothing," Logan sighed. He assumed there last meeting had gone something like this, he would hope that if they'd had some other run in his sister would've told him. "She says she'll tell me, but I just…does it matter anymore?"

"Do you still wonder?" Honor countered. "If you still spend any moment of your life trying to understand why, if you think maybe that could have to do with why you've never had a successful relationship…well then, yeah, you should probably find out. But if you don't ever wonder, if you don't think it's contributed to your perpetual bachelor status…then don't. Don't ask. Don't let her absolve herself. She did something shitty and just because you're here doesn't mean you owe her any more than that."

"Go to bed Hon."

"Goodnight baby brother."

They ended the call and Logan did as he was told. He used the remote on his bedside table to cascade the room into complete darkness, blinds shutting automatically and lights flicking off and then he enjoyed a fitful sleep. A sleep that felt like he was watching a movie reel of all of their moments so many years before. A movie reel where if he kept his eyes closed for long enough, he could imagine that their kiss the night before hadn't been a shock, that it hadn't been wrong, but instead that they were two people in love. It was that thought that he woke up to, he was sweating and almost out of breath as he shook the image from his head. That was decidedly not what the kiss with Rory was.

He woke up feeling poorly rested and otherwise mentally drained, which is why a run on the beach seemed like the perfect answer. Of course, he knew there was a chance he could run into her. It was still early, and hopefully he would be able to get his 4 miles in by starting up by the road and dipping down to the public access point and coming back along the beach. It seemed like a waste to miss the view just in an effort to avoid Rory. He needed to get through today and then it would be fine.

He was listening to some playlist Finn had sent him a few weeks earlier, he was sure he was supposed to like it. Knowing Finn, it was trendy and cool, but all it was doing was motivating Logan to finish his run faster so he could turn this shit off as soon as humanly possible. It was on his return though, so close to home that he saw her. Sitting in those stupid chairs that he had watched her in for years, like she hadn't just upended his calm status quo a mere 10 hours earlier. Like her appearance in his life hadn't upended what he had told himself for well over a decade.

"Early for you, no?" He came to a gradual stop and pulled his AirPods out as he got to her. "Thought you'd still be sleeping it off," he almost hoped she gave him a look to say she didn't remember. Maybe it had all been an alcohol induced haze. He could forgive that.

"Nothing a few cups of coffee and water can't handle," she held up her large water bottle that marked off various points in the day for progress. "Bet you never thought I'd be carrying one of these around without coffee in it…"

"Can't say I ever pegged you for a Pinterest loving millennial…"

Rory cringed, it was like without even meaning to, he could see that she was afraid of being called out for not having it all together even if they both knew that no one did. "My mom sent it to me," she explained, "found it on Amazon."

"Surely Lorelai intended for you to use it for coffee."

"Of course, but here I am…she would be ashamed."

He wanted to tell her that the last thing Rory Gilmore had done was bring shame on the Gilmore name. It was impossible, there is nothing she could've done that wouldn't have made them proud. She was everything to them, and even if he knew that had caused her some discontentment growing up, he hoped she had learned to balance the expectations of others with her own dreams. "Look Rory…I can't, I can't do this. I can't pretend."

"Pretend what Logan?" Rory stood up, she dropped her book and put her sunglasses over her eyes so she didn't have to squint while she stared at him. "God you make it seem like I'm begging you to do something. I kissed you Logan, and you're right, I shouldn't have kissed you but we are two fucking adults who kissed and I don't know why you're here acting like I murdered your cat or something!"

"I don't have a cat, I have a dog!" Logan spat back, god, why was he so angry. He had kissed more than a few girls and regretted it. He had thrown himself at unavailable women without knowing…why wouldn't he allow her this slip up without making it seem like a horrible attack. "And because you're you and I'm me, and you fucking left. You left Rory and you never looked back. You didn't leave a note, or a forwarding address. You blocked my number and you walked out of my life like I never mattered. So kissing me? Not a criminal offence. But pretending like you didn't pull my heart out of my chest and stomp on it? No, I'm not giving you that satisfaction."

"We were kids!" Rory felt her eyes go big and bile rise in her throat. Were they really going to do this? On the beach? Anyone could walk by? Was this where they were going to talk about what happened all those years ago. "I screwed up, I get it. But I said I was sorry, I can't fix it Logan. God, I can't fix it but if you think for a minute that I enjoyed the way things ended between us then you never knew me at all!" Her voice was shaky and she really regretted coming out. She should've proved him right and stayed holed up in bed. "It nearly killed me. It nearly killed me to just leave and to not answer your calls, to tell my grandparents to ignore you. To give up Yale. You think I gave up Yale on a whim? That was just an easy decision for me to make?"

"You gave up Harvard!"

"God are we really doing this?" Rory shouted and then gestured wildly around them. "Screaming at each other on the beach? Like we're kids? This is ridiculous Logan!" Her voice was increasing in volume by the second and it was like she couldn't stop herself. "Jesus, I wonder why we never worked when we couldn't even have a fucking conversation."

"So have the conversation Rory," Logan lowered his voice but his tone was just as harsh. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair and wondered just how this had spiralled in the midst of his morning run, but he sure as hell wasn't going to back away, no he was going to finish what he started. "Spit it out - put me out of my misery. What did I do to deserve to have you just vanish out of my life?"

Rory could feel her heart racing. Was he this stupid? Did he just forget? Was he too drunk to even remember what happened that summer? It wasn't as if Rory had woken up one day and decided to toss him to the curb, no, it was nothing like that. "My god Logan, do you have any fucking clue what it was like for me here? The rumours. The sad smiles. And then…then the day you called, you'd been gone a week and all I could hear were girls. You didn't even have the decency to try to hide it from me."

"What girls are you talking about?" Logan was truly confused by what was going on. What girls were there? I mean, sure, there were girls there, but they weren't there with him. "There were some friends. Girls from the brigade," he referred to the stupid secret society he had been a part of that Rory had no problem telling him was ridiculous, "but there were no girls. You think I cheated on you?"

"You're telling me, you are really telling me and expect me to believe that you were bouncing around French Polynesia with women on a yacht and what…you went to bed alone every night? Come on, I know I was naive but you are Logan Huntzberger. You've never had a problem getting women in your bed and we both know that."

Logan stared at her and for a moment, the pair were just shocked into silence, standing and staring at each other, her waiting for him to react, him digesting what she had just said. "Wow," he mumbled after what felt like an eternity. "You really didn't think I could do it? You didn't think I could be faithful to you? That when I said that we were together that year at Christmas, I meant it. And when I said goodbye to you in the summer, and told you I would be back, and I told you I would wait in suspended animation for you…you didn't believe me. You really…fuck, you were just like everyone else. Weren't you? You set the bar so low…"

"Logan," Rory paused, she could see it in his eyes. He hadn't. No matter what anyone had said along the way, the man standing in front of her…he had been loyal to her and she had fucked it up without giving him so much as a chance to explain himself. God would everything else have happened the way it did if she had just given him the benefit of a phone call? "I'm sorry. I just…you have to understand."

He interrupted her, "no, I get it Rory. Trust me, I understand. You don't owe me any more explanation. Have a safe trip back to the city, ok?" They had gone all these years without crossing paths, surely he could see her at a funeral and then avoid her for another lifetime without much effort.

"You didn't?" God she felt stupid after all these years even daring to ask the question. Like it mattered at this point whether there were other girls or not, like it would somehow help the situation. "Logan I swear I thought you cheated on me. I thought we were both better off."

"You're a journalist Rory," Logan's eyes squinted as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Back then, you wanted to be a journalist, a reporter…ever heard of fact checking?" He couldn't do this. He walked away, it was all that he could do was remove himself from a situation that he hadn't really wanted to be in in the first place. He could hear her, she shouted his name twice, he knew the familiar cracking in her voice and he felt in his heart as he kept walking until she was out of earshot and then he made it back up the steps and towards the house and when he looked back, she was gone. His first stop was the fridge, he poured himself a glass of water and flitted with the buttons on the coffee maker until he heard the familiar whirring of the appliance beginning his espresso. He would not let her destroy him. Not again. He had pulled it together once after surviving Hurricane Rory and he would do it again if it was the last thing he did.

The morning went by quickly, before he realized it he was on autopilot getting ready for the memorial. Of course Jane had told them to dress casually, 'we're not mourning, we're celebrating', she had told them, and he knew that she was trying to keep things light, but wearing black to a funeral was as bred into him as showing up to dinner with a hostess gift. There was no way he was attending a memorial for a man he cared for wearing khakis and a wrinkled button down.

So he stood in the bookstore, shoulder to shoulder with people he had known for years. Some faces he hadn't seen before, others he hadn't seen in years as they call remembered Neil. Logan felt a pang in his chest as another man who looked to be a few years older than Logan told a story about how Neil had taken him in, how he had provided support that he needed as a young man and Logan remembered how that felt. He remembered feeling excited to tell Neil about his articles, things he was working on, when he got into Yale on his own merit and not because his father had donated another stadium. He had caught a glimpse of Rory shortly after things started. She was sitting down, a black linen dress with buttons, nude wedges, her hands folded neatly in her lap as she listened. He thought maybe he had seen her wipe a tear a few times, but he tried not to stare.

He tried not to stare because he knew that if he stared, his chest would tighten again and he would want to go to her. He would want to offer her a hand or a shoulder, some sort of comfort that he knew he could provide for her, but he also knew that providing comfort for her would destroy him and he couldn't do that to himself. No, Logan had come too far. He had protected his heart for years, and he wouldn't let a weekend with Rory Gilmore tear that apart.