Stormy Night, Part 1 (Hae-Ri)
Dal-Geon is alive.
Dal-Geon is alive.
Dal-Geon is alive.
Hae-Ri's mind was stuck in a loop, unable to process the information. She still couldn't find it in herself to believe it, and felt like her consciousness was orbiting around the revelation without really touching it. She had no doubt that it was him. She would bet everything she had on the fact that he was the only person in the world with that ridiculous tattoo, at that exact location.
She kept telling herself over and over again that he was alive, but the knowledge refused to sink in. She was spiraling, desperately trying to hold on to her wits, feeling sick and stupid and betrayed and happy, and so much more than that. She couldn't organize her feeling, couldn't organize her thoughts, everything felt contradicting. Each fleeting thought was pulling her in a different direction, tearing her apart, leaving nothing intact.
How could this be? Who was found in the warehouse? How did the necklace get here? And why the hell was he in Kiria, in the same room with her, while pretending not to know her after kidnapping her? There were so many questions that raged in her mind, making her dizzy, and answers to none. Her head was heavy with endless unsolved issues that kept on piling up, cluttering her mind, blocking everything else. For the first time in her life, she felt like her brain didn't have enough capacity to deal with the new discovery, much less process it.
She had no idea what to do or how she should act now that she found out. Should she say something? It was impossible to ignore the fact that he was doing everything in his ability to keep his identity secret, to hide his existence from her, and that by itself was enough to lodge a stake in her heart. Why would he do that to her? The Dal-Geon that she remembered always trusted her, never hid his actions from her, and shared with her every bit of information that he obtained. They worked together. They supported and relied on each other. And she thought that they meant so much more to each other than just that. What happened on the day that he disappeared, when he stopped taking her calls, that put an end to all that lay between them? She started to question herself, wondering if she did something to break his trust in her. She was always loyal to him, more loyal than she was to the NIS. They were a team, he was her partner, and she was his. She couldn't even start to imagine how he could do this to her. The sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Putting aside the fact that he betrayed her and made her believe that he was dead, the amount of energy he put into his efforts to keep her from finding out was very much insulting. Forcefully taking her, tying her up, confining her, all while pretending he was just a random thug. If he had just revealed himself and asked her to come with him, she would have followed him anywhere. The only reason she was in Kiria to begin with was him, as her mission in life was to avenge him. She felt sorry for herself, feeling pathetic to realize that her life's purpose was pointless and useless. She dedicated herself completely to the cause, left behind the life that she had without looking back, and all for a man who did everything in his ability to keep her out of his life. A man that would go as far as letting her believe that he was dead, a man who tied her up in a car for hours in order to prevent her from finding out that he was alive.
It felt terrible thinking that he went this far to the point that it caused her physical pain. Her chest, her stomach, her head, everything hurt. She wanted to scream. Scream at him, at herself, at the sky, at the earth, at the universe. Her world was collapsing, everything that comprised her life for the past year was crumbling away as she tried to wrap her head around the fact that all of it was based on a lie. She felt empty and broken, and so very pathetic for dedicating herself for the sake of someone who didn't care at all how his actions would affect her. She felt herself filling with hatred and rage, determined to never forgive him. Even so, she had no doubt that he would never ask for her forgiveness, that he wasn't sorry at all for playing her false. She was sure that given a chance, he would have done the same thing all over again, and to hell with her feelings, her life, to hell with her.
Consumed by the total disintegration of everything she believed in, feeling so angry, pitiful and idiotic, she paid no attention to what was going on around her. As if out of nowhere, she felt his sudden touch as he grabbed her legs and lifted them off the floor, placing them on the table. She had not even a bit of energy left in her. Her body felt like it weighed a ton, she had no will to resist, barely maintaining her will to just be. She wanted to disappear, to get away from him and to never look at him again. He didn't deserve even an ounce of her attention, care or affection. He deserved nothing of her. She didn't deserve being treated like this, and was better than letting herself to be dragged this low, better than allowing herself to be treated like an insignificant speck of dust, if even that, after giving her all.
She was vaguely aware to her pants being pushed up, and to her feet being lowered and then submerged in warm water. She wanted to raise her leg and plant a good, well-deserved kick to the side of his head the moment he put his hands on her again, but couldn't bring herself to move, feeling completely drained. She felt thoroughly empty, and feared that even a breath out of place will cause everything she was so desperately trying to keep under control to blow up. Letting him do as he may, she just wished he would hurry up and disappear from her side, which was probably his plan anyway.
Feeling the sofa give under his weight as he sat down beside her, she reflexively peeked up at him, maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of the habit she developed during the days she spent with her silent captor. She saw him staring at the ground, but he quickly turned his head as if he sensed that she was looking at him.
Though his brow was still hidden under the hood, she could clearly see his eyes now that she knew it was him. She stared into the familiar eyes she thought were gone forever, and saw nothing of what she expected to see. No impatience, no aversion, no disdain. All she saw was plain old Dal-Geon, looking at her with the same innocent, captivating eyes. She never dared to even dream of having him look at her again. But there he was, looking, breathing, living, sitting so close to her that she could see the strong pulse at the base of his throat. And then it finally hit her.
All the missed chances, all the regrets, the guilt, longing and grief, the finality of death, those all lost their reason for existing. All the pain she was left with, that was there to stay forever, was no longer unchanging and definitive. And the reason it was possible for her burdens to dissolve was sitting right in front of her, however impossible she believed it to be just moments ago. Even so, there was no relief in parting with those burdens, there was no ease, as they were instantly replaced with the brand new pain that now plagued her.
Dal-Geon suddenly turned his head away, as if to free himself from her gaze, leaving her to stare at his hooded profile, offering nothing but occasional peeks and glimpses. She felt idiotic and pathetic to acknowledge the fact that it saddened her to see him look away, to witness his refusal to meet her eyes. Getting him back from the dead still didn't feel real, and even though she didn't know yet how she felt about it or what she should do, and though he hurt her terribly beyond forgiveness, there was an undeniable comfort in just looking at him.
Her attention was brought back to the room as his warm and bony hands wrapped around her shins, sending a bolt of lightning through her body, as if to prove that he is real. He pulled her feet out of the water and placed them across his lap, reminding her of that night in the car, when he was just a bizarre fellow that didn't seem to act in accordance with his role as a kidnapper. Now she knew why.
He was poking around at her feet, digging and tugging. It hurt, but she couldn't find the energy to pull back and resist, couldn't bring herself to cry out and make him stop, as the pain was proof that she was awake, and therefore - that he was alive. Her mind fought against reality, struggling to accept the newly discovered truth, after believing in the complete opposite beyond doubt for so long. She welcomed anything that would be an anchor, that would help her hold onto the true here and now, even if it was pain.
He patted her feet with a towel and she winced as the rough fabric rubbed against a sore spot that felt like a rather deep cut. Finally, he raised his head and turned to look in her direction, meeting her eyes.
Unexpectedly, seeing him looking directly at her, assessing her with his eyes, made her feel embarrassed. She instinctively looked away before even having a chance to resist the urge. Thinking of the man next to her not as a random thug, but as Dal-Geon, suddenly made her feel very self-conscious. The fact that she had her legs in his lap with his hands on her bare skin made her nervous and uncomfortable. Her mind was in a pitiful mess as she struggled, not knowing how she should act or feel now that she knew the truth. Or some of it, at least.
She heard him taking a deep breath, and turned her head slightly to peek at him discretely from the corner of her eye. She was surprised to see his eyes closed as he slowly turned away from her, immediately going back to tend to her feet, applying all sorts of stinging substances on the sensitive cuts. When he was done, he lifted her legs off him and placed them on the sofa, got up and started to clean up, then disappeared behind her. It was a while before he came back and placed two steaming cups on the table, filling the air with the nice aroma of chamomile. It did nothing to calm her nerves and clear the cluttered mess in her mind.
He sat down with her legs behind his back, just inches away from her. She could feel him next to her, the warmth of his body touched her exposed shins, making her feel uncomfortable again. She pulled back her legs, feeling sharp pain as she slowly settled her feet on the floor.
Having him this close was not helping her desperate attempt to contain the massive turmoil that raged inside her. The brewing storm was already looking for a way out, and Hae-Ri held on to it tightly, trying to tame it, to have it submit to her. Though she believed she had mastered controlling her mind, pushing away unwanted thoughts and feelings, she now realized just how wrong she was. She did her best to push everything into the little drawers in her mind, but those proved to be too small and too fragile to contain something of that magnitude. The storm was getting stronger and angrier as the seconds ticked by, feeding on all the unresolved feelings that were only just beginning to surface, all the uncertainties, the confusion and hurt, and most of all - the feeling of utter betrayal.
Not knowing what to think, how to feel or what to do... those were things that Hae-Ri wasn't used to. She was never one to give herself to sorrow, to allow herself be consumed by it to the point of being left completely broken. She was one to look for a way out of the most difficult situation, to try and find the hidden reasons and causes behind the inexplicable. She wasn't easily thrown off or frustrated, and she knew how to stand up to whatever stood in her way. Though she had a strong sense of self, and though she knew what kind of person she was, she felt like none of what she thought she knew of herself was true anymore. Hae-Ri felt as if she was reduced to nothing but a shell of herself, which was now filled with shattered fragments of what she used to be only moments ago, turning her into a stranger she couldn't recognize.
Even when she falsely believed that she lost Dal-Geon forever, she couldn't allow herself to fall freely into the pits of grief, though she was tempted to. There was just too much to do. Now, there was nothing to do but stay there, trapped beside the cause of her pain, forced to face her demons. She felt sorry for herself. She knew beyond doubt that she did nothing to deserve this. She wanted nothing of if. Thought she was miserable before, at least she knew who she was.