Chapter 4 - Closure
Author's Note: Enjoy the final chapter! Thank you all so much for reading, favoriting, following, and/or reviewing this fic! :D
~ Amina Gila
"Know I do, who Vader is," Master Yoda begins. Anakin sits across from him in the Jedi Master's quarters. It's only been a day since everything happened.
Anakin fights the urge to tense up uncomfortably. He should have guessed that Yoda of all people would be smart enough to figure it out, but that doesn't mean he's comfortable about it. "I – he told me," Anakin confesses, because there's no point lying about this. He doesn't want to anyways.
"Wish to speak with you about this, I do."
Anakin nods, waiting. He's not sure what to expect.
"Concerning it is, that Fallen he had. Your thoughts?"
This is... strange. Master Yoda has talked to Anakin numerous times, but never has he outright asked his opinion on something, and Anakin isn't exactly sure how he's supposed to answer that. "I was... surprised," he answers slowly. "I don't know why I would do this."
"Much darkness you have," he replies. "Care, you must take."
"I know." 'I try' he wants to snap, but he holds it back, because that's exactly what Yoda is talking about. "I never had the time to ask him why he Fell." And I can't stop worrying about it, being afraid that it'll happen whether I like it or not.
"The future, this is, and always in motion, the future is. Concern yourself, you should not. Fear is a path to the Dark Side. Let it go, you must. Matter, it does not."
"I can't stop thinking about it," Anakin protests quietly. "What if there's something I should know?"
"Have everything you need to, you do," he replies. "Find balance, you must. Struggling with guilt you are, over the death of the Chancellor. Our failure it was, to send you to him alone."
Yoda does seem truly regretful, and Anakin has no idea how to react. It's not quite an apology, but it's close enough for him to take it as one. "You had no way to suspect his identity," Anakin says, shaking his head. "I should have. I should have known."
"Know this, you could not have," Master Yoda responds sharply. "Suspected nothing, I did. Wary you should have been, but a child you were. Manipulated by the Sith you have been. Time it will take, for you to recover, and recover, you must. Dangerous, you can be, if unstable you are."
Anakin nods again, swallowing past the lump in his throat. He doesn't trust himself to talk. He's heard that before. Four times now. Once from the Council when they tested him, once from Obi-Wan right afterwards, and once from Yoda during... Hardeen. What he hates most is that no one bothers explaining why they say it.
"Let go of this, you must," Master Yoda orders. "Always in motion, the future is. Changes have already been made. If more you should have known, showed you, the Force would have."
Anakin nods again. Maybe it's lost on the Jedi Master that the thing he fears most is himself, after knowing how he Fell. Vader betrayed everyone he loved, and how does Anakin know he won't do the same?
He's completely worn out by the time he leaves Yoda's quarters, and can only be grateful when the first person he encounters is Ahsoka. She's the one person he wouldn't mind talking to right now.
"Hey, Master," she greets.
"How... are you doing?" he inquires. So much has happened in the past couple days, and they have so much to discuss. He doesn't know where to begin.
"I should be asking you that," Ahsoka retorts, "You're the one who took off to fight the Sith Master without me and didn't bother telling me where you were going!"
"I needed you to watch over the twins," Anakin protests, "And how did you three come there?"
"Well, they might have explained what you were doing, but it was taking a while. I was getting worried."
"Sidious could have used them against us," Anakin points out. "That was dangerous. That's why I told you to stay behind."
"I know," Ahsoka says, almost sheepishly, "It probably wasn't the smartest decision, but they're persistent, like you. And I still want to know how you could have had children."
"They're not mine. Their Vader's."
"Still yours, and is it just me, or does Leia look a lot like Padme?"
Oh, no. He can't answer that. Padme wouldn't be happy, and while he trusts Ahsoka, he needs his wife's permission first. "Maybe a little, but that's irrelevant."
Ahsoka surprisingly sobers at that. "I know he was your friend. I'm sorry."
"Me too," Anakin mumbles. He's grateful that Ahsoka can understand him, even if no one else can or ever will. She also lost a friend to the Dark Side. She knows exactly how this feels, and he knows Ahsoka is still struggling with Barriss's Fall. Anakin wishes he knew what to tell her, how to help her cope with that, but he has no idea.
Of course, the silence that settles over them starts becoming awkward then. Anakin loathes how it feels as though something was irreparably broken between them. Nothing has changed, and yet... their entire relationship is different. He knows where it originated from, but he doesn't know what to do about that. Just like he doesn't know what to do about the growing rift between himself and Obi-Wan. To be fair, Anakin doesn't know if that's something he should try to repair anymore. He still remembers what Vader said, and... he doesn't want to be around his former master anymore. Not right now. He needs time to process, and he hates how one of the only people who ever supported him is dead now. Because of him.
"Barriss made her own choices, Ahsoka," Anakin reminds her, sensing the underlying impression of guilt from his padawan.
"I should've been a better friend to her," Ahsoka argues. "If she knew she could trust me, this would never have happened."
"You don't know that, Snips. She may have Fallen regardless of your actions." Just like I might, even if I don't want to.
"And he would have died, whether you did it or not."
"Would he?" Anakin asks, almost helplessly. "I can't know that!"
"The Jedi wouldn't've arrested him," she argues. "He could have escaped one way or another. He could have turned you or forced Vader to work for him again."
"Assuming I don't anyway," he mutters.
She turns to look at him, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. "Why would you think that?"
"I don't know what happened to Vader. How can I know it won't happen here? That it wasn't because of him? That I won't because of me?"
Ahsoka reaches out, laying a hand on his arm. "I don't believe that."
"I don't want to, either, but we must face the facts. They keep telling me I'm dangerous, and I know I can be." He doesn't know why that slipped out, and he wishes he could take it back immediately, because saying it makes it more real.
"It's still your choice, and I know you don't want to Fall," Ahsoka replies stubbornly. If only it was that simple. Or is it? He doesn't know, because he has no idea what happened to Vader. And then he suddenly remembers Mortis and when he Fell there. He suspects it had something to do with the future, which really makes him wonder if he is destined to Fall, no matter what he does. Maybe. He doesn't believe in 'destinies' like that, but –
"I don't know what to do," Anakin admits.
"We'll figure it out together, then," she assures, "I don't, either. I don't know if I really want to stay here, but the war is still going on."
"I'm staying," Anakin declares. "I'm needed here, even if I don't want to."
She looks at him for a moment, expression unreadable, before nodding.
**w**
Anakin knows he shouldn't be telling Padme this without permission, but he has to.. "I... I know what happened to him," he says, quietly as once she finishes telling him about how the Senate is in uproar over Palpatine's disappearance. There's an investigation about it, but they already destroyed all evidence. No one will find anything, but that doesn't do much to make him feel better.
Padme frowns. "What?"
"It's complicated," Anakin replies, "I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but he's... Darth Sidious, the Sith who's behind the war and everything."
Padme stares at him, disbelievingly. "How – are you sure?" she asks, pailing.
Anakin nods, even if he himself really doesn't want to believe it. But he can't deny what he saw. (He still wishes there had been another way. Did they really have to kill him?) "You remember the time-travelers I was telling you about? They told us, and... the Jedi confronted him."
Padme looks worried now. "What happened?"
"He fought us. Master Mundi was killed, and so was he." Because of me. Vader said he needed to let it go, but it's not that easy. He just wants someone to talk to about everything, and the person he would have gone to in a situation like this was Palpatine. But he can't do that when he killed him. "I was there. I..." He trails off, unable to finish.
For a few long moments, she looks like she doesn't even know what to say, which is hardly a surprise. "I... I can't believe Palpatine would do this."
"I don't understand it, either," he says, almost brokenly.
"Is there something else?" Padme asks, studying him with a hint of concern in her eyes.
He shakes his head, looking away. "He – he was my friend and I –" He hates himself for what he did, and he sees why Vader is saying he needs to let it go. But he doesn't know how. 'I betrayed everyone I loved' Vader had said, and is that what Anakin is already starting to do?
"I know," she murmurs, resting over and resting a hand on his arm, "I'm sorry you had to be directly involved like that."
"I didn't have to be," he argues. Not that it would matter. It would still have happened, or worse, Vader would have died in the process of killing him. "I went against orders. I didn't... know what I was getting into until I got there."
She winces. "I wish there had been an alternative. If he was arrested, maybe we could have gotten information from him, but I don't suppose that was an option."
Anakin shakes his head, sighing. Not really. He knows there was no way Sidious would've stopped fighting, but that doesn't mean he's any happier about the situation.
Padme steps closer, wrapping her arms around him. He wraps his arms around her, in turn, pulling her closer. Everything is a mess, but at least he knows (hopefully) that Padme and Ahsoka will be with him.
**w**
Ahsoka doesn't know what to say to Anakin. She's overwhelmed by the events of the past few days, and she doesn't know where to begin coping with it, let alone how to help her master. Quite honestly, she has absolutely no idea. She doesn't know who to turn to, either. It's something she'll have to figure out on her own.
Anakin may have taken the fiasco as a personal failure, but she didn't. Neither for him, or herself. He did her best, and she's more than capable of taking care of herself.
She finds herself thinking of Vader again. She wishes she'd gotten a better chance to know him, and while she's lost many friends throughout the Clone Wars, he's different. He was another version of Anakin, after all, and quite simply, Ahsoka can't begin to imagine a life without Anakin Skywalker at her side. The entire meaningful part of her life has been with him. Has been about him.
She can only count herself fortunate to have met him, to have him as her master. More than that, to have him as the sole member of her only true family, as the one person she knows will never leave her.
Vader told her that the Council was going to expel her in the future he lived, and Ahsoka knows with certainty that at the very least, Anakin is the one person who stood with her. That will never change. They might have a bit of... trust issues to work through, but Ahsoka knows one of Anakin's greatest flaws is his tendency to blindly follow orders despite his proclivity towards twisting rules. That is something Ahsoka does not share. He trained her well, and she no longer blindly follows the Council. She can't. Not after the Festival of Light. She cannot and never will forget what happened there, how she and Anakin nearly died at Obi-Wan's hands for 'the sake of the mission'.
No. Not again. Never again. She cannot and will not accept that anymore. Sometimes, Ahsoka wonders if she should leave. The Order isn't what she used to believe it was, but now, maybe, without Sidious they will be able to change. She can only hope.
She may not trust the Council anymore, but she still believes in their teachings. It's all she's ever known, after all. Now, Ahsoka can only hope those will be enough for her to help Anakin.
**w**
It's been a week now – though Vader was unconscious for most of it – and Anakin's words are still replaying in his mind. "If I can move on – let it go, so can you... If you were truly lost, you wouldn't have a soul left to hurt." No. It's foolish and futile, the wish of a mere boy. He's naïve. Far too much so. He doesn't know what happened. Vader tells himself that every time, but he can't stop wondering. What if Anakin was right?
Seeing his younger-self again made him remember how light he used to be. It doesn't feel like himself anymore. What he said was true. He is not Anakin Skywalker anymore, and he never will be again. Everything that used to define him is gone, and he knew that the moment he sold his soul to save Padme. He knew there would be nothing left of him, but it didn't matter if she lived.
Except, she didn't, and he was left to care for their children alone.
He finds himself wondering, anyway, if a caring so deep can truly be completely destroyed, or if the boy was right that there is still something left. The smallest spark of light, perhaps. He doesn't know. Even if there is, he doesn't believe he deserves to be free of the darkness.
Obi-Wan hates him for it, and always will.
Just like Vader does him. He saw Anakin interacting with Obi-Wan briefly, and it reminds him of everything he misses and knows he'll never have again, some of which he thinks is for the best. He remembers the constant tension with him and his former master. He remembers how he so frequently felt completely worthless and withdrawn, how bitter he had become from being pushed away time and time again. That is not something he has any desire to deal with again.
For so long, his past has seemed like something of a dream, something that was experienced entirely by someone else. As though it wasn't truly him. He forged new bonds with Rex and Ahsoka, too, based on the person he's become and not who he was. But now that he saw it again, in person, he can't let go of it. He will never have Padme back, but he has everyone else. He wishes he had been able to speak to her, see her one last time at least, but he knows the truth.
Anakin's Padme is not his, and if he saw her again, it would be even harder to let go. She's in the past, and their hopes and dreams for the future are gone forever, but he does have his children, who he knows she would have wanted Anakin to raise.
Not him.
So, for her, for them, (for Anakin) he will try.
**w**
"Dad!" Luke and Leia are hovering next to him instantly, the moment they realize that he's awake. Lola is flying near them as always, beeping in a way that seems to be eagerly, seeing that he's awake.
Vader reaches out with the Force, lifting both of them into his arms. It's not easy to bend down to pick them up, and they like it better when he does this anyway. They giggle as they always do, wrapping their arms part-way around his helmet, about the closest they can really come to a real hug.
He can feel their adoration pouring into the Force, their relief that he's alive, and... he finds himself thinking of everything Anakin told him again. "I told you I would be fine, little ones," he says, holding them close. (He wishes he could feel it.)
"After days in bed!" Leia protests, giving him a severe look. It reminds him so much of Padme.
"It was a bacta tank not a bed!" Luke contradicts, and his lips quirk upward, almost against his will.
"Can we go back sometime?" Leia asks, looking at him hopefully.
Vader stills. In reality, it's not something he considered much. (He never expected any of them to come to care for Anakin as much as he – any of them did.) "Walking through time and reality is... risky," Vader replies.
"Ironic seeing that it was you who first suggested it," Obi-Wan says dryly, stepping into the room. Maybe it wasn't meant to be bad, but it doesn't stop his familiar flare of anger. It's – Obi-Wan is always like this.
"Please?" Luke asks, gaze still focused on Vader.
"Perhaps," he concedes, setting them both down again.
"Aunt 'Soka will be here soon!" Luke announces cheerfully, "And I think Uncle Rex is coming too."
"Then you should prepare," Vader agrees, before they scamper from the room, leaving him alone with Obi-Wan. His former master is eyeing him, almost as though he has something on his mind. "What?" he asks, finally.
"You almost died," he begins, feeling almost uncomfortable in the Force.
"I am well aware."
"I... don't want it to happen again."
"Why does it concern you now?" he asks bitterly, turning away. Before he once felt anger, now it's just... bitterness and a loathing acceptance, that this is how things will always be with them.
"I saw the other versions of us together, and I..."
"I am not Anakin." Even if he turns back – if such a thing is possible – he'll never be the same again.
"Yes," Obi-Wan agrees, "Yet we have still been together for years."
"Whatever you intend to say, just say it."
"We have done little but fight, but – I nearly lost you. I don't want things to... end like this."
He –
Vader turns to look at him again, unsure how to react. It's probably the first time Obi-Wan has initiated a peaceful conversation with him, and he doesn't know what to say.
Part of him wants to hope, but after all these years, he's scared.
Still, maybe coming back might be easier than he thought. Maybe.
**w**
Anakin finds himself standing awkwardly inside Obi-Wan's quarters a few days later. He's been given a short amount of leave to rebalance himself, but the war is still going on. The Republic is in chaos, and the Separatists have a temporary advantage despite lacking insider information, and it's showing. Peace talks are expected to be held soon, but there's no insurance yet. He doesn't have much time before being needed out there again on the front lines.
He misses Palpatine, and he hates how it feels like everyone is pressuring him into accepting that the man was evil. He knows that in theory, okay? But it's still difficult to process and accept. He really thought their relationship had meant something, not that it was another person using him... just like Obi-Wan. And that makes this conversation more difficult.
Anakin can only be grateful that Obi-Wan seems as much at a loss for words as Anakin himself is. "Master," Anakin begins, awkwardly, "I need to apologize. I wasn't in my right mind then."
They both know what he's talking about. "I know," Obi-Wan replies, shortly.
Anakin tries to remind himself that his master is just worried, nothing more, but it still stings. He doesn't know what else he could have expected though. This is just what it's like with his master. He wishes there was a way for that to change, but remembering what Vader told him, he doubts it.
Obi-Wan sighs and turns around, crossing his arms, his posture screaming his uncomfortableness. "I... allowed you to spend time with him, even if I disliked it. I should have known something was amiss. It was my failure."
"Blame doesn't change anything, Master." Obi-Wan has no idea how much this hurts him. It feels like it's tearing him apart, knowing how deeply he cares for his master, how badly he wants him as a part of his family, but it's just a dream. It can and will never happen.
"I know," Obi-Wan agrees, "But I shouldn't have let you spend so much time with him alone. I know you are struggling with accepting it.
Anakin shifts uncomfortably. He really doesn't want to talk about this part of it again, when he already knows what he'll be told – that Palpatine is evil and he needs to accept it, but it's not that easy. He really has tried – is trying – but he can't. "He was my friend," Anakin murmurs, "Or I thought he was."
"We all hoped the best of him," Obi-Wan agrees. "I thought something was out of place but we were not certain of anything yet. Even so, I never would have suspected the truth."
Anakin nods mutely. He doesn't know what he could say, anyway. He hates everything about this, most of all how Obi-Wan is looking at him like he's something damaged or broken. He's not. Not even Vader was, and he's been through so much more. Anakin still doesn't know how Vader ended up like that, but he doesn't want to know, especially if what he implied about Obi-Wan is the truth.
"Master Yoda said you were struggling with balance."
It catches him slightly off-guard, because Anakin had no idea Yoda would tell Obi-Wan that. It stings a little, because he had hoped to keep it a secret. He didn't want anyone to know, except Ahsoka, who was trying to help him. "If you dragged me here to lecture about that –"
"You were close to a Sith. I can hardly fault you for it. I am worried for you."
"Really," Anakin says, flatly, and even if he knows that it's probably not a kind thing to say, he doesn't care. "Why didn't you worry about that when the Council was pursuing Ahsoka?"
"I knew she was innocent," he argues. "I could do nothing for her, just as you couldn't."
"I could have!" he retaliates, "But I didn't. You could have, too."
Obi-Wan's expression closes off – a sure sign that he's upset. "She let her emotions cloud her better judgment."
"Emotions or experience?" Anakin shoots back, determined to defend her to the last. "She doesn't trust the Council, and she has no reason to." Even if he does. Even if Obi-Wan's right that she shouldn't have done it.
"The Council isn't always right, but we do our best."
"I accept that, but does she?" Vader's words whisper in the back of Anakin's mind, and he wonders if he should. If now might be the time for him to leave, except he doesn't want to leave Ahsoka. He just wants his family, and that's something he'll never have as a Jedi as long as the war goes on. He doesn't want to leave Rex and the boys either. He misses Vader. He misses... Palpatine, too, and as hard as Anakin tries not to think about him, he can't help it right now. He wants to talk to someone who can help him figure out what to do. That person isn't and never will be Obi-Wan. It never can be. He should stop dreaming about it; it changes nothing.
"Why wouldn't she?" he argues. "You were supposed to train her to follow the Council, not herself."
"How could she?" Anakin shoots back, bitterly. This is something he's never talked about to anyone before. It was something kept strictly between himself and Ahsoka, something that was also unspoken. It hurts too much to speak of. The betrayal might have been a few months ago, but it still cuts him to the core as sharply as it did then, only now he's become accustomed to it. "She may have once blindly believed in the Council, that everything they did was right, but they broke her trust. That can never be repaired. She only follows herself and the Force now."
Sometimes, Anakin misses it. He looks back at his early days with Ahsoka and wishes he could have known how to shield her from the severity of the war and everything they went through together. She's just a child. She shouldn't have to worry about any of this. (How much worse was it when he was growing up? He can understand his mother so well now, everything she went through trying and failing to protect him from the worst of life.)
But the war he's fighting – it's not for Ahsoka only anymore. It's also for Luke and Leia. His children. He might not have been able to keep Ahsoka safe, but he'll keep them safe, no matter what the cost is. (He still doesn't know when they'll be born.)
"And I didn't call you here to talk about Ahsoka," Obi-Wan replies, catching Anakin's gaze. "I want to know how you're doing."
Anakin suppresses a bitter laugh. "I killed one of my friends. How do you think?" He pointedly turns away, crossing his arms. "I'll be fine."
"Will you?" he argues. "I don't expect this to be easy."
He remembers what Vader said about Obi-Wan again, and he immediately finds himself wondering. "What do you want?" Anakin demands. Part of him wants to snap that if Obi-Wan is trying to see how good a Jedi he is, he already knows the answer so he should just back off, but he won't say that. It'll only make this turn into an argument, more than it already is, and he doesn't want that.
"Anakin," he demands, firmly. "What is this about?"
How is he supposed to answer that?
"Are you afraid of Falling?"
Does he know about Vader? "Why would you think that?" he asks instead of denying it, oddly numb.
"Sidious wouldn't have spent so much time with you if he didn't intend to turn you," Obi-Wan answers. "It's easy to put it together."
"He was trying to turn me when I was there," Anakin reminds, "But he failed. It's the past. It doesn't matter anymore." They both know that's completely untrue for Anakin. He's never been able to "let go" like all other Jedi do.
"Anakin, don't lie to me. If you're struggling, you can tell me."
He bites his lip and turns away. "You know that's not true." He starts moving towards the door, but Obi-Wan's voice stops him.
"Let me help you."
"How can you, when you don't listen to me?" He walks out without looking back. Maybe he'll talk to Obi-Wan later. Maybe. But not right now.
**w**
A few weeks later as he sits, meditating, he senses... someone. A presence he hasn't felt in well over a decade. It shouldn't be possible, but he hears the voice anyway, calling his name. "Qui-Gon? How are you here?" Maybe he's gone too far into the Force, or maybe it's a vision of some kind, like it was on Mortis. This doesn't make sense.
"I am one with the Force, but I learned to preserve my consciousness after death. I am still able to communicate with you."
That's... Anakin didn't even know such a thing was possible. The Jedi have never spoken of it, if it is. They always insisted a person dissipated into the Force after they died, losing all sense of identity. It's one of the many reasons he loathes death. "Why are you here?" he wonders. He's certain Qui-Gon is appearing to him for a reason.
"The Force willed it," he answers. "I have one last lesson for you. All is as the Force wills it. Trust the Force, if you cannot trust yourself."
"I don't know how," Anakin admits. "I've blindly followed the Council all these years. It's all I know how to do."
"You can learn as I did," Qui-Gon replies. "It will take time, but the Force will guide you."
When Anakin pulls back to himself, he feels at peace for the first time since everything fell apart. He's not sure what to do next, but Ahsoka will be here. So will Padme, and Rex, and... (Maybe Obi-Wan eventually, when he finds it in himself to be able to talk to him again.)
He remembers, suddenly, the last thing Vader said before he left. If it's true, and Echo survived, somehow, they'll find him and bring him back. He's been gone long enough.
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