A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Warning: This chapter may contain offensive jokes

[RED]

On top of Red Base, four armored soldiers stood there talking.

Fong: So, I asked if there's any yellow armor left, and the guy said; "Nah, sorry man, we had one, but a Bimbo took it, but hey we got a something almost similar." So yeah, that's how I got my amber color.

Simmons: Why would you want yellow armor in the red army?

Patterson: Cuz He likes that color?

Fong: Nah, cuz I'm asian.

Grif: Well...

Simmons: Oh my god.

Hanby runs up to the ramp, meeting the 4 reds. Hanby who was finished fixing the warthog (pissed might I say) dusts off his shoulders.

Hanby: God dammit! Uhhhh…. I'm back, I'm back.

Fong: Well, well, well... looks who's last to join.

Hanby: Fok you Fong, Fok you.

Donut now running in the ramp meeting the 5, now wearing pink armor running happily.

Donut: Dudes, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

The others look at each other, not knowing what to say at this moment.

Donut: What's wrong?

Simmons: Uhhhh… About your armor.

Donut: What about it?

Simmons: How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Handby, Uh, you wanna help out on this one?

Hanby: It's pink.

Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.

Donut: What?

Grif: It's pink! Your armor is freakin pink.

Donut: Pink? N-no it's not... my armor's not pink!

Grif: Pink!

Patterson:Yeah, no, it's pink alright. (Mumbles) Too bright.

Donut: You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?

Grif: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

Grif and the others proceeds to laugh.

Simmons: (over the other's laughter) Heh, that's not funny.

Patterson: (calming down) Well kinda.

Grif: (also calming down) It's a little bit funny.

Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh.. a "lightish red".

Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

Fong: They're gonna see you man, like you have one if the brightest color here, it's like saying: "Hey I'm over here!" They'll say: "Okay! I'll shoot you!" and then bam!

Donut: I hate you guys.

Sarge and Lopes now running on the ramp also.

Sarge: While hello fine dirtbags, hello officers... and a hello to you, madam.

Donut: It's LIGHT red.

Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there.

Wine: Jeronimo!

Wine ran fast as he could on the ramp while yelling Jeronimo till he immediately stopped

Wine: Jeroni- Hi.

Sarge: Barbie. Do you have the package for me?

Donut: Yes sir.

Sarge: Excellent.

Donut hands sarge a mechanical unit

Donut: They say this speech unit should work with Lopez. Here ya go.

Wine and Grif: Speech unit?

Sarge: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when Terrorizer and I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. …No offense, to the three of you.

Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Sarge: Wasn't talking to you, Kiss-Ass.

Grif: Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?

Wine: He is?-… I mean, yeah... of course I know. Heh.

Patterson: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

Grif: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

Hanby: Okay, I get Wildcat. But really Grif? Really?

Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

Simmons: And the fact that he keeps detaching his head from his body?

Grif: Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Hanby: Who the fock would want to impress a fatass like you?

Grif: Well, those that respects our routines.

Hanby -done with Grif's shit- just rolls his eyes, inside his helmet.

Simmons: Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

Sarge: How come?

Simmons: Because static could damage the card.

Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. (Grif and Simmons look at each other) And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jump back) YOW!

Simmons: Sir. I won't say "I told you so", sir.

Patterson: I'm gonna... walk back...

Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.

Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!

Fong: Well your "lightish red" bull-shittery is gonna be your de~ad giveaway!

[BLUE]

To the blues everyone was clean, while Caboose, is helping clean off Tucker's armor.

Caboose: (panting) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.

Caboose: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

Barrus: Aaaaaghhhhh! Why does it sting!

Scotty: Ah, the Jewish boogeyman.

Cunningham: Ayo CUT! What the fuck?

Tucker: (ignoring the 3) I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

Jonathan comes out to Caboose's right holding the teddy bear wearing a mjiolnir armor covered in tar.

Jonathan: Hey, Caboose! Wanna help me clean teddy bear's armor? It's gonna be fun!

Caboose: Sure!

[RED]

Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

Patterson: Short term memory loss?

Grif: Right. That was a grenade.

Donut: And the last thing I remember.. is a loud bang.. and then Simmons fainting...

Grif: Ha! Told you so!

Simmons: I did not faint.

Patterson: Hahahah!

Sarge: Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!

Lopez: Buenos días. Y gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres.

[Good morning. And thank you for activating my speech function. I am the model number zero one zero one one three four eight eight two three.]

Patterson: …uhhh, What?

Hanby: Da'fuq? is that Spanish?

Donut: (over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

Lopez: Me llamo López. [My name is Lopez]

Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

Sarge: Lopez, speak English.

Lopez: Mi procesador de inglés ha funcionado habla solamente español. [My English processor has malfunctioned. I speak only Spanish.]

Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

Sarge: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

Donut: Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.

Sarge: Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.

Lopez: Negativo. [Negative]

Wine: Uhhhhhh... Code 1: English?

Lopez: (shakes head) Nevagito. [Negative]

Hanby: Hey, Fong.

Fong: Yyyyyyeeeeeesssss?

Hanby: Didn't we have a Spanish friend?

Fong: (nods) Uh-Uh.

Simmons: Oh yeah, you said you had a Spanish friend. Can you translate him to us?

Fong: … Nope. My comms broke 8 months ago

Simmons/Hanby: My god/Well shit.

Sarge: Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?

Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

Wine: jesus christ what a great idea, Why didn't I think of that, but how about should we shoot YOU slower too?

Grif: yea- wait what?

Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

Lopez: (raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.[Yes sir. Thank you.]

Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.

Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?