This is a story near to my heart! I started writing it close to 10 years ago! Recently I've revisited it and decided to rework it a bit. If you've read it previously I hope you will like the little changes. If you haven't I hope you enjoy!
Cigarette smoke and cheap perfume.
Dank wallpaper and stubborn drafts.
Every girl is provided with a robe when they come to this place. The first robe is plain, thin cotton, hand me downs with patches from years of wear and tear by their previous occupants.
After about a year you're upgraded to a new fluffy robe of your own. the longer you've been here, and the more money you bring in, the better robe you acquire. It's a status symbol of sorts...and a perfect way to remind us of our place here.
I got my silk robe yesterday.
Until that moment I'd never known something so beautiful and vile.
The gentle caress of the garments' luxurious fabric across my arm could do nothing to distract me from the acid churning in my stomach. All I can feel are their fingertips. All I can see are their greedy hands grasping at my throat. All I can hear are their labored breaths whispering insincere words of adoration against me.
The beauty of this garment is inconsequential to me.
It means I'm good at what I do. I'm good at being a whore.
Silk is coveted only by those who don't wear it. Only those who do know the weight of its obligations.
There is no escaping its weight.
Daddy Snow makes sure of that.
Cornelius Snow is the owner of The Capitol, the finest brothel in all of Chicago. He controls everything here: what you eat, what you look like, who sees you.
This place is not what everyone thinks it is. Most think that we are an unorganized orgie full of heathan women that 'can't be tamed.' It's much more refined than that, at least on the surface. There are many ways that Daddy Snow acquires his 'girls'. Some come to live what they think is an easy life. There are some who show up on the doorstep seeking some twisted form of refuge. Others are brought in by Cato and Cray, Snows men.
That's how I found myself here. They'd discovered me in an alley, cold and close to death.
The memory still burns fresh in my mind. Never far from the forefront of my thoughts. They brought me into a small cold room with no windows, but two doors. There was a small man with an odd looking beard sitting opposite from me at a table that seemed oddly large in such a small room. His eyes were flat as he stared at me for but a moment.
"Hello, my name is Seneca Crane." he paused and glanced down towards the chair opposite of him. "Please, have a seat..."
I did so hesitantly, and he began to flip through the stack of papers before him. "I have a few questions for you. Nothing but basic information. Routine, I assure you."
We sat there for the next half hour or so. Seneca would ask me questions about myself, some more intrusive than others.
My name is Katniss Marie Everdeen.
I am thirteen.
I have grey eyes.
I have brown hair.
I am a runaway.
No, I have never been with a man before.
Finally after recording my height, weight, and measurements he laid his pen down.
"Do you know where you are Miss Everdeen?"
I hadn't the slightest clue. With a furrowed brow I shook my head no. Seneca's face fell and he sighed.
"Have you ever heard of a place called The Capitol?" the concern in his narrowed eyes sent bristles across my skin
"Only in passing..." my eyes narrow slightly and I subconsciously recoil away from him.
"Do you have any idea what The Capitol is Miss Everdeen?"
I shake my head again. It wasn't a lie. I didn't know what this place was. All I knew was the look on my primary school teacher's face when one of my classmates had spoken its name. I knew that it was never spoken proudly in public, only in seedy whispers. No, I didn't know what it was, but i knew that whatever it was, it couldn't be good.
"Miss Everdeen…" He looked down at his papers and pursed his lips, "..The Capitol...it's well...it's a brothel dear..."
It was in that moment that my world shifted. Fear burned through my veins. Not like fire, more like the searing sting of ice water. It was debilitating, this realization. My chest heaved as my breathing became erratic with panic. How was it possible for this impossibly tiny room to shrink in around me?
An inner voice screamed until its words rang in my ears.
Get out.
"No." shaking hands gripped the table's cold edge and I shove myself back from the table. The loud protest of wood against concrete flooring fell flat on my ears compared to the volume of my inner self's desperate plea.
"N-...n-no!" my tear rimmed eyes met Seneca's emotionless gaze. "I can't be here. No." in an almost out of body movement I stumbled back to the door I'd been brought through what felt like only moments ago. "I don't belong here." my desperate pleads fell on deaf ears. They were nearly as useless as my efforts to get through the tightly locked door. "No!" A scream ripped through me as it became clear that I would find no escape the way I came. "no no no..."
Shrieks melted into pitiful wimpers. I could feel my body folding limply against the door as tears streamed down my face.
"Miss Everdeen...er um..Katniss?"
I looked up and Seneca from my heap on the floor. At some point during my fit he'd made his way over to me. His hand was stretched towards me. All I could do was stare. This was the help he had to offer me? A hand off of the floor? It may as well have been a slap across my cheek. The sting was all the same.
"Now Katniss…" Seneca huffed at my hesitation. "I know this is all a lot to take in but-"
"A lot to take in?!" red hot rage seared through my nervous system. Steely daggers peered up at the man standing over me. My anger must have shown in my eyes because it elicited a flinch from him. With a clenched jaw I continued. My volume increased as I stood. "Seneca." I spat, "I'm not a whore!" tears found their way down my cheeks again. Anger and hopelessness wrestled one another within my chest. "I can't be here!"
Echoes of my cries bounced off of the concrete walls, and before I could so much as protest Seneca's hand pressed across my lips, and his arm restrained me against the wall. There was a fear in his eyes. How odd it was seeing those previously calculated gazes replaced by shifty panicked ones.
"Katniss!" he hissed slowly."Calm yourself!" I could feel tiny droplets of his saliva pepper across my face
An intense silence fell over us. A pause as nothing but the sound of our laboured breathing filled the room. When Seneca finally spoke again his voice shook. "There is something you need to understand. You are not your own person anymore."
My eyes widened at his words. I began to protest behind his firm grasp but I was cut off by Seneca once again. "Cornelius Snow owns you now. Please understand Katniss. If you defy him...You will be punished in the most horrific ways. If you deny him...he will TAKE what he wants. If you even think about leaving...He will have you killed."
Fear won. The ice in my veins returned. It kept me frozen in place.
Seneca dropped his restrictive grip and cleared his throat as he smoothed the slightly worn suit that he wore.
"Come, it won't be long until Mr. Snow arrives. He likes to personally greet each new girl."
Seneca had me stand under a large lamp that looked as if it came from an examination room in a hospital. "When Mr. Snow arrives, address him only as Daddy Snow. Don't speak unless spoken to, but always speak when you are spoken to. Oh, and try not to flinch at his touch. I'm afraid he doesn't like that." As he spoke his hands fussed with my threadbare clothing and smoothed my ratty locks. With a deep sigh his hands landed on my shoulders and his gaze met mine. "You'll be ok Katniss. As long as you do as he asks Mr. Snow will not harm you."
Something deep within me told me not to believe him.
A few minutes after Seneca left a tall broad man with stark white hair and the eyes of a serpent entered the room. He was dressed in all white, with a matching lapel rose. He entered quietly. The clicking of his dress shoes against the concrete floor were reminiscent of an arm rifle's warning shots.
His figure loomed over me. "Hello my dear."
My mouth opened but no sound escaped my lips. There was a pit in my stomach.
Show no fear Katniss. You can't let me have that power.
"H-hello Daddy Snow." I peered up at the sick smile that pulled at the corner of Snow's mouth. It made my skin crawl.
"Hmm. Very good my sweet girl." His voice was low. Almost as if it weren't meant for my ears. Posessively his hand rose to cup my chin and he tilted my head upward as he examined my features. "Welcome to the Capital, Katniss was it?"
I shook my head yes in response. Snow's gaze snapped to mine and his fingers dug into my flesh. My muscles tensed, ready to defend against any harm he may try to inflict.
Senecas words rang in my ears 'but always speak when spoken to'
"I'm sorry, Yes. Y-yes Daddy Snow." my body relaxed as his grip did and I swallowed thickly with relief.
"Very well." Snow's grin widened, obviously pleased with my obedience. Without removing his gaze from me Snow lifted his hand and snapped his fingers. Behind me the two men that brought me here entered through the door I'd yet to go through. "Boys, take katniss here to her room. But be gentle with her. I believe we may have a future star on our hands!"
I didn't know what he meant by 'star'...but it didn't take me long to figure it out.
Cray escorted me to my room that night. We passed girl after girl. Each of them were so different, but somehow they all looked the same. Their expressions were worn identically across each unique feature. Fake smiles dance across their lips. Their lashes fluttered flirtatiously, but it couldn't hide the glassy exhausted eyes behind them.
This would soon become my life. I would be one of them soon. Living a life of facades.
The thought made me feel hollow.
"Alright." Cray grunted and opened one of many doors down a long hallway. "Home sweet home."
The room was tiny and cold. Devoid of any feeling of home.
"You'll have your first client in about half an hou-"
"What?!" The word was a reflex. As ungovernable as a sneeze.
Cray grimaced at me. "What did you expect you little bitch? You're not here to sit around and eat bonbons. Now get in your room and get your robe on. If your client doesn't leave satisfied it'll be your ass."
I never knew a half hour could pass so slowly. My bare feet paced the floor in a steady path. I half expected to look down and see worn floorboards beneath my feet. The thoughts in my mind generated at a dizzying rate.
How did i let this happen?
Why hadnt I fought harder?
What would happen if i didnt 'satisfy my client'?
How do you even begin to 'satisfy' a man?
The thought of learning the answer to that question nearly made me wretch.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I slumped on the edge of the bed- my bed. Across the room i caught my own gaze in the full length mirror that stood in the corner. The girl staring back at me was broken and scared. Her eyes shone, but not with confidence or pride. The only thing shining in her eyes were fear and heartbreak.
How was it that id become so unrecognizable to myself in such a short time?
A knock at the door stiffened my spine.
"C-Come in." i squeaked out.
My eyes bored holes in the door waiting for the patron to enter. Images of men flashed past my minds eye. A grotesque picture formed quickly of a dirty man that would look at me with hungry eyes.
As it turned out, reality was far worse.
When my gaze met him in the mirror I thought I might die.
"C-Catnip...?"
I knew him.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
I couldnt seem to find my voice.
I just stared at him while tears burned behind my eyes.
Gale Hawthorne.
We attended the same school, lived on the same street even. He was several years older than me, but we'd always been friends of sorts. He would help my mother with things around the house when my dad was...out of pocket. 'Such a nice boy' my mother would call him.
If only she could see him now.
"Catnip. Why...what?" Gale rubbed his eyes, as if he would be able to wipe away the vision of me sitting on the bed before him.
"I…" my voice stopped. How did I give him the answer to a question that I couldnt even give myself? "I dont know." I swallowed thickly. Shame burned in my cheeks. "I just...I just sort of woke up here and-"
"God, Catnip...you're only 13! You have no business in a place like this!"
As his voice rose my stature shrunk. Everything he said was correct. But that didnt change the hard truth. I lowered my gaze to look down at my bare toes. "I don't really have a choice now Gale..."
Heavy steps crossed the wooden floor and a pair of worn leather boots appeared in my line of sight. I flinched as rough hands grabbed at my shoulders. "Yes you do! Catnip, Look at me!" I did as he said, but I still couldnt look him directly in the eye, i was too ashamed. "You do have a choice! Just go home!"
I shook my head. "No. No Gale I cant-"
"Yes! You can! Just leave!"
"It's not that easy Gale! There are things that you dont know. Things that are beyond my control!" I pushed him away as I stood and walked to the other side of the bed.
"Catnip...please..."
Frustration steeped inside of me. "Gale. Just drop it." I pleaded with my eyes shut tightly. This was all too much. His concern...it was maddening in a way. It came too late. It could do me no good now. "This situation is so much more complicated than you could imagine."
"What do you mean? Catnip I just-"
My nostrils flared as i spun around to finally meet his gaze. "It doesn't matter Gale. I've accepted this life now. My..life now."
I desperately wanted this entire interaction to cease, and there was only one way to make that happen.
With a deep breath I reached to untie my robe.
Gale's face twisted with what appeared to be disgust and he held up his hand. "Don't. Catnip...for Christ sake, keep your clothes on."
I froze. Rejection stung like a slap to the face. Anger swelled up inside of me.
And it must have been written all across my face because Gale's expression fell.
"No- I...Catnip I'm not going to take advantage of you...you're just a little girl."
'If your client doesnt leave satisfied itll be your ass.'
Cray's words rang in my ears again and again.
"Gale, I'm not a little girl anymore…" I swallowed thickly and pulled at the tie of my robe so that it fell open. Seduction was foreign to me. It felt cold and awkward in my limbs. Immediately Gale's gaze was averted, and a swift kick of embarrassment knocked the wind from my lungs.
"Catnip listen to me...let me help," he continued, his gaze pinned to the ceiling. "I..can do something. Anything. Catnip I'll figure something out...just please let me help you."
His words fell on deaf ears. I was too busy listening to the inner turmoil of my mind. How would i survive here if i couldnt even convince a man to look at me? Desperation threatened to boil over within my chest.
Gale reached out to touch me. But I flinched from his touch. "Gale. Either collect what you came for or leave. Please." My words were spat like venom and cold as ice.
His face hardened. "Fine Catnip. Dont accept my help. Enjoy your life as a whore."
He walked out after that. I was left standing in the middle of the room with nothing but my own thoughts and the roaches that crawled across my floor.
The feelings I felt in that moment mirrored this one well.
I stood alone, studying myself in the mirror. I was older now. My features were more womanly, and my stature was more confident. But the gaze that met mine in the mirror was still broken. Still lonely.
No amount of Silk could change that.
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