Married…to a Useless Goddess
Disclaimers I don't own KonoSuba, please support any to all official releases.
Aqua the Goddess of Water, and figure to the Axis Cult Church, and in another universe a goddess of debt with a potential alcohol problem, stood before trial in front of all the other gods.
Reason, well her reputation of not only sending a bunch of adventurers to not only the same world after death, but giving them stupidly OP skills and weapons finally caught up with her, not to mention they were getting tired of her overall attitude.
"All rise before the God of Kings, the God of Time, and the God of Gods" said an angel as everyone rose to see the 3 most powerful gods in existence.
One was a young man with short red hair and beard as he wore designer clothes made up of every extinct animal in existence, as he wore a crown made up of pure gold and lined with diamonds of all kind, this was the God of Kings.
The next was a woman around Aqua's age, except she had short pink hair and wore clothing similar to that of an IT worker as she looked at her pocket watch in hand and put her glasses on with the other, this was the God of Time.
And Finally their came a being that was nothing but pure light entering the room as their voice switched from high pitch, to low growl, to cybernetic yell, staticky squeaks, and Morgan Freeman, this was the God of Gods
"Aqua Goddess of Water, it has come to our attention that you haven't been doing your job as a Goddess right, as such you shall be tried and be punished accordingly" said the God of Gods.
"But it's not my fault, how was I suppose to know there were other worlds out there and that there was a limit to giving people these powerful abilities" cried Aqua.
"Every god and goddess here are well aware of their being other worlds in needs, and that while there's no problem giving a mortal man the power and ability like your fellow gods, having them all in the same world was bound to ask for trouble.
"For heavens sake, we just had to deal with stopping an uprising conducting by 3 heroes who were given god like powers thanks to you" said the God of Time.
Seeing as she had no room for excuse, Aqua was left speechless and was afraid that her very existence may came to an end.
"Your almighties please, Lady Aqua may not have done her duties correctly, but I assure you, she had well intentions, besides it's not like any of us are innocent here, and if we were to compare her amongst us, Lady Aqua is far from being a corrupted goddess" said Eris as she volunteered to defend Aqua.
"This isn't a competition as to who's done worse than the other, this is a matter of how her selection had caused an uprising of humans to declare battle amongst us, something that hasn't been done in eons" said the God of Time.
"And even if she did this under good intentions, she should have only mentioned the choice of reincarnation in other worlds to a selected few individuals of good nature, not shut-ins, NEET's, gullible idiots, sociopathic punks with a god complex, not every living being that dies in front of her" said the God of Kings.
Without having a proper rebuttal, Eris could remain just as silent as Aqua who was shaking in fear as to what her punishment due to her incompetence may land her.
"I think we've heard quite enough of this, Aqua the Goddess of Water, as punishment for choosing rather unfit humans to save a world in need of heroes, you will spend 1 life time in commitment to the very same human's you've been sending in another world as their loving wife" said the God of God's.
"What!" exclaimed Aqua, "More so, we shall select a candidate who will definitely be the type who has nothing going for them in their life and you must help them grow and become a successful human being in their society" said the God of Gods.
"But this isn't fair" cried Aqua, "And this isn't up for discussion, Eris, you will be given one hour to search for a worthy candidate, which gives Aqua here enough time to pack her belongings and whatever else she may need that'll prove useful, for once you're sent to the planet earth, your powers of a goddess shall be restricted, and will be forbidden to have access to any outside help, now please, don't make me regret this and do something smart for one, dismissed" said the God of Gods as Aqua's world came to a collapse.
Nothing could be said to comfort her, and none of her fellow Gods and Goddesses are interested in doing so, all except Eris, but right now she had a job to do.
"Lady Aqua, please you must hurry, less you'll be sent in a world with nothing" said Eris before Aqua just broke down and cry before her.
"It's not fair" cried Aqua as she was crying her heart out, "Please lady Aqua, time is of the essence" said Eris as she had to help escort her out and pack her belongings, leaving her very little time to search for a potential candidate.
"Alright Eris, you've got 15 minutes, don't worry, let's just narrow it down to one country, and select our candidates from there" Eris told her self as she was about to do some spouse selection, but was stopped when her presence was needed.
Apparently, with Aqua now stepping down, Eris was now force to step up and take her place in guiding souls to other worlds, and even though they knew she was busy, none of the other gods seemed to care.
Reluctantly, Eris went to greet the person who had recently died and decided to act professional about it as waiting for her patiently was a young man, who wore a green tracksuit.
"Hello there" greeted Eris, "Hi" greeted Kazuma hesitantly as Eris made her way around him and sat across from him.
"Sorry, I didn't get to read your file before coming here, but mind telling me a little bit about you, my name is Eris Goddess of Fortune and I will be your guide into the afterlife" said Eris.
"Hi my name is Satou Kazuma, and I'm… a nobody" said Kazuma admittingly, "Come now, surely you've done some worthy accomplishments in your life" said Eris.
"Honestly no, I've been spending the last few years as a NEET, my childhood friend left me for a bad boy, and my parents are probably glad that I died, but I will say knowing that I sacrificed my life to save a girl getting ran over by a truck kinda makes me worth it, that is if she made it out a live" said Kazuma.
So far after everything Eris had heard, Kazuma seemed to have proven himself to be a proper candidate and the ideal person the gods were looking for.
Though honestly it was sad to say that his death was actually in vain since she finally got his file and skim read to the bottom to learned that he actually died from shock from trying to save a girl from being ran over by a little tractor, and that the hospital staff and his family were laughing at his death.
Looking at Kazuma with eyes filled with pity, Eris chose to withhold this information, and decided that Kazuma was actually the perfect candidate for the job, and he deserved a second chance more than anyone.
"Satou Kazuma, how would you like to have a second chance in life" asked Eris, "Wait really" asked a surprise Kazuma.
"Yes, in fact I think you're actually the best candidate for a rather delicate matter" said Eris, "Really, like what" asked Kazuma as Kazuma could imagine living the life as an adventurer being sent into another world like in many of the videogames and anime he's enjoyed and if any luck a harem of his own.
"You see, I have a goddess who's in need to get married to a human man, and help him become successful life" explained Eris as Kazuma deflated a little over not being sent into another world, but still chose to be optimistic.
"Alright, what's the catch though" asked Kazuma as he knew something was amiss, "There's no catch at all, other than in exchange marrying Lady Aqua you get a second chance in life, oh and to make things interesting, I'll be giving you this pendant, which grants it's user an increase amount of luck in their life" said Eris as said pendant had her face on it as it served as no better symbol to those who favor fortune.
"Ok, you know what I can actually work with this" said Kazuma as his hopes of being sent to another world filled with potential hot babes may have been shattered, but he gets a second chance at life, marries a goddess to help him become successful, and is given a charm to increase his luck, what could go wrong with this deal.
"Alright, I'll except your terms, so who's the goddess I'll be marrying" asked Kazuma eagerly, "What, you selected this loser to be my husband" exclaimed Aqua as she carried with her a luggage full of clothes and other belongings and a backpack filled with money sent to her by the Axis Cult donations.
"Lady Aqua" said Eris as Kazuma turned his head to look at the goddess who rudely offended him, "You're telling me that after all this time, you're setting me up with some guy who looks like he lives in his parents basement, instead of some young handsome playboy billionaire who would make my life more easier" said Aqua.
"Who is she" asked Kazuma as he got a bad feeling that he wasn't going to like the answer, "This here is lady Aqua, the goddess I was talking about" said Eris nervously as she felt she had lost the case.
In spite of looking cute, Aqua had made a strong wrong impression on Kazuma, and seems the type who'd cause him more troubles in life than he already has back on earth.
"On second thought I change my mind, either send me to heaven or hell even cause she seems more trouble than she's worth" said Kazuma bluntly, "How dare you, you'd reject me and prefer eternal damnation" said Aqua as she got up in Kazuma's face.
"Wow, somehow you managed to make hell sound like paradise" said Kazuma sarcastically as Aqua began to pout and get in to a fight with Kazuma as they smushed and shoved each other around.
"Yeah, well looking from my perspective, you seem like the type who couldn't amount to anything even with my gracious help and our prone to die in a stupid matter again" said Aqua as she was pushing Kazuma's head away.
"Hey, I died saving someone" argued Kazuma, "You died from shock thinking you got ran over by a little tractor, where the doctors and your parents laughed at how pathetically comical your death was" said Aqua as Kazuma stopped to look at Eris for conformation.
She said nothing, but her eyes and body movement said it all as Kazuma felt embarrassed that he doesn't want to return back home even less now.
"Screw you, you blue haired bitch" shouted Kazuma as he continued to fight with Aqua, "Screw you, you shut-in NEET" shouted back Aqua.
"Enough" came the voice of the God of Gods as everyone fell in line.
"Eris, have you made any progress" said the God of Gods, "No she has not, she's trying to set me up with this loser who recently died" said Aqua.
"Enough, not another word from you" said the God of Gods as Aqua obeyed.
Feeling the presence of this powerful being got Kazuma silent and feeling their pressuring gaze left him with an uneasy feeling in his body.
"Eris, is it true that you made an offer to this man" asked the God of Gods, "Yes, your almighty" said Eris.
"Satou Kazuma, I'll be entrusting you to live your life again, with the pleasure of having Aqua the Goddess of Water as your wife" said the God of Gods who knew Kazuma wanted to protest, but couldn't as he was intimidated by them.
"Do this and I promise you that one you lived out your life as a successful man, I shall reward you something I haven't done in a while" said the God of Gods as they prepared to send Aqua and Kazuma back to Japan.
"Aqua do not disappoint me, and Kazuma may you live a happy life" said the God of Gods before finally sending the duo back to Earth and live their lives as husband and wife.
On Earth
Waking up back in Kazuma's room, the NEET and Goddess were sitting side by side next to each other, both wearing matching wedding band rings.
"So it's official I guess" sighed Kazuma as his train of thoughts were interrupted with Aqua bawling her eyes out.
"It's not fair, I should be living a luxury life here on this planet, not with this shut in NEET" cried Aqua, "Excuse you, but I am not a shut-in, I died while leaving my house" yelled Kazuma.
As they both continued to argue away at one another, their moment alone was interrupted when Kazuma's parents let themselves in his room, and the looks on their face scream of horrifying disgust upon seeing their son alive and well.
"Who are they" asked Aqua naively as Kazuma grimaced over his parents intense glare on him, "My parents" said Kazuma as he had a feeling his bad day was just about to get worse.
KONOSUBA
By all accounts, Satou Kazuma is officially dead on paper and across the media since he did died a very embarrassing death, with the only silver lining being his parents collecting the insurance from his death and news wide pity.
So having their son around was anything but a blessing, since it meant they still not only had to feed one more mouth, but enable his NEET life style.
So without so much as giving it a second thought, his parents swiftly evicted him and his wife out of his house, and personally drove Kazuma to live with his grandfather out in the sticks.
While honestly not expecting anything less from his parents, still it hurt Kazuma's feelings that they'd evict him and his new wife like that.
Still he could thank them for having him live with the one relative that seemed to care about him anymore, who was more than welcoming to have his grandson live with him.
Once Kazuma had been dropped off with all of his belongings along with Aqua, his parents made it clear they never want to see him again, which was fine by them.
Resting his hand on his grandsons hand, Kazuma turned to see his grandfather as they all stood by and watched his parents drove back home.
"So how've you been my boyo" said Grandpa Satou, "Honestly you wouldn't believe half the things to have happened to me today, but to put it bluntly it's been a pretty bad day" said Kazuma.
"So I've heard on the news, but tell me how did you managed to fake your own death like that, also who's this pretty girl with you" asked Grandpa Satou, "I didn't fake my own death, in fact I was given a second chance at life, so long as agreed to marry her" said Kazuma as he pointed at Aqua.
"Marry her, you mean to tell me this is your wife boyo" asked Grandpa Satou, "Yes she is" said Kazuma as he knew their was nothing that could be done about it now.
"Welcome to the family my dear, my name is Satou Kazama, though please feel free to call me grandpa or even the old man if you like" said Grandpa Satou.
"Hi, my name is Aqua the Goddess of Water, or I was until I got stuck marrying him" said Aqua as Kazuma began to frown once more.
"Haha, there's no denying that my grandson here may not be the ideal man, what with him being stuck in his room watching TV and playing with those blip-blop devices these kids play, but I assure you if he's anything like me, he's not only a hard worker, but a smart worker, which is a good thing since I need to lay some ground rules for you boyo" said Grandpa Satou.
"Like what" asked Kazuma, "Let me think about them first, for now let's enjoy ourselves a nice hot dinner" said Grandpa Satou as he helped carried his grandson and wife's belongings into their new room and try to enjoy the night.
After dinner, they hung out and caught up and tried to explain their relationship to Kazuma's grandfather.
Granted half the things didn't make sense to him, but he chose to accept it for what it was and for who they are before the duo went to bed.
Once in their room, Kazuma couldn't sleep as he had a lot on his mind as to what he was gonna do with his life now, especially now since he had a wife he didn't want.
"Hey Kazuma, are you awake" asked Aqua, "Mm" answered Kazuma as he was to tired to make any retort Aqua had to say.
"Your grandfather, he seems to really care about you, and yet your parents don't seem to, any reason why" asked Aqua as she was half expecting them to have been evicted on the streets once they were introduced to his parents.
"When the bombs fell on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, my great grandfather, who at the time didn't know what radiation poisoning was, was shortly discharged from the army after helping evacuating citizens from those that were far from the blast radius, yet still close enough to be exposed to radiation poisoning" began Kazuma.
"After witnessing the horrors that he saw, from families losing their loved ones right before their eyes do to the intense radiation poisoning, he wanted to spend his life committed to keeping his family close and loved, something he made sure my grandfather kept in mind before he succumb to the poisoning" explained Kazuma.
"If that was the case, why does your parents seem to not follow his example" asked Aqua as her curiosity was peaked, "Well Grandpa was by all means a successful man here and is regarded highly amongst the community, however his reputation of being a family didn't meant it involved getting rich or powerful, something my dad had always been ambitious about since a young age, and why he is the way he is, and considers me to be an absolute failure" said Kazuma as he wasn't aware that he was crying a little towards the end.
"So when the time came for him to leave his hometown and grandpa behind, dad essentially became the perfect ideal successful Japanese business man, with a wife and kids hoping to follow in his footsteps, without caring what his family wants" said Kazuma as he felt Aqua gently wiped his tears away.
Up until now, Kazuma had considered Aqua to be a bitch and a possible hinderance to his ever so bad day, but who knows now.
"Well look at the bright side, he's no longer in your life now, and you got no one to impress in life other than yourself" said Aqua reassuringly with a smile as Kazuma began to calm down.
"So my question, what do you plan to do now" asked Aqua, "Honestly I don't know, but knowing my grandpa he probably had something planned for a while now, and just gotta go with the flow from there" said Kazuma as that was an answer that satisfied Aqua well enough before finally turning in, cause tomorrow is the first day of their new lives as husband and wife.
So this one shot idea came to me after viewing a lot of Aqua and Kazuma fanart, and while I'm not ready to commit to writing a new fic, I at least had to publish the first chapter to this new idea.
As for any potential updates on this, don't count on it and honestly it's for my own good, but hey feel free to voice your thoughts and support on this potential new fic I'll make in the far future.
Until then be safe, be good people and please support your local fandom communities.
This has been your Humble Narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3