Katarina knew that she wasn't perfect.
That was Jeord and Maria's role after all.
Hell, she didn't even want to be perfect. She just wanted to be normal. But as a noble, that would never happen. Of course, she could pretend but sometimes reality caught up with her.
In those moments, she realized, that she would never be normal. Even without her status and magic ability, she was too different from the rest of her peers. She had seen too much of this world and its people to ever be normal. Hell, she didn't even talk like noble, at least when she was with her friends. Talking formally felt weird. It made her feel out of place and uncomfortable. Still, she should probably try to practice as much as possible. Katarina wanted to fit in as possible after all.
After a few other sentences, Katarina stopped talking. Why does she even need to practice talking? Only Jeord and her noble friends need to do that. But of course, they can do it without practicing. As long she can talk, it's good enough. Why is it still so hard? Why does she feel so pathetic because of that? But commoners don't have the responsibility to do so. Doesn't she just want to be like them?
Katarina looked at the ground, listening to Mother's lecture on her antic. The lecture made her question whether she really wanted to be noble in the first place. She was so different compared to other people. She lacked the intellect and common sense of the noble. But have wealth and status to distinguish herself from the other commoner. She could never be like the others. Be it noble or commoner, she will never fit in anywhere in this world. She already accepted that.
She wants to feel something too, doesn't she? Let her think about it. Happiness? No, she never did anything to deserve it. Sadness, regret, guilt? She felt those three emotions every day. The sadness of leaving her true family. Regret of dying young. Guilty of stealing someone's body. She already knows it, it doesn't matter what she does. She will never feel anything besides emptiness or pain. Emptiness is exactly what she is trying to get rid of, by acting like her normal Japanese schoolgirl self. It's not working. So why doesn't she try it with pain? It is so easy. She can just take a blade or scissors or a knife and hurt herself. It is pathetic but that's what she is. Besides, it's not like her 'friends' would ever find out. After all, they don't care about her. They just want her family's influence and wealth, never about her.
(But they always say they loved her... that's just the lies, isn't it? Lying is fundamental in a noble society, after all.)
Would they still think of her as their friend when they would know the truth? She can imagine their disgusted faces.
Katarina started to imagine the disgusted looks. The hateful comments. She imagined her friends walking away, leaving her completely alone. Not that she will resent them for that.
(No one will grieve for her if she suddenly died. They will be happy they don't have to pretend to like her anymore. Her parents in this world probably will throw a party for her death. After all, who wants a daughter like her? Farming? Climbing trees? She can already imagine her parent's happy faces when they were told about her death.)
And for the many more time in her life, Katarina felt a tear rolling down her cheek.