"That dirty pig!" Jennifer nearly spat. She clutched the list he had made her write out in her fist. "That quack! That slimeball!"
Mrs. Rodgers stared at her, a half amused, half curious expression on her face. She had gone for coffee while the Dr. had come in to give her privacy and what his treatment option had been had left Jennifer stunned and fuming. New medications? Fine. Good. Great. Mandatory Psychological Assessment. Understandable. But to suggest she…she… Who in their right mind would give that man-pig a license to practice medicine!?
"I feel like I missed something here." Mrs. Rodgers said, but before Jennifer could reply, another person came behind the curtain.
"Hello, Miss Honey, so the Dr. says since you said you live alone with just a young child with no available support options, he's requested you be placed under an involuntary 72 hour hold since you noted on your intake form you felt you were a threat to yourself or others."
Jennifer stared at the middle-aged woman with the clipboard.
"B-but he gave me medicine and said I could go. I can't stay here for three days, I have a daughter waiting to be picked up!" Jennifer said. If she left Matilda with Eve for three days, there'd really be no hope she'd ever forgive her."
"I'm sorry, it looks like he must have changed his mind." Jennifer ground her teeth together.
"Well, wait. What do you mean by, 'no support options?'" Mrs. Rodgers asked.
"Like family to stay with."
"Nonsense, go tell the Doctor she'll be staying with me." Mrs. Rodgers said.
"But-" Jennifer tried to say but was cut off by a quick hand gesture telling her to zip it.
"Oh, umm, are you family? Because she can only be released into the care of a family member and Miss Honey stated she had no close living relatives."
"Yes, she probably thought you meant close by distance. See, I live out of state, but I'm in town visiting, isn't that right, Jenny?" Mrs. Rodgers sent her a look that said, "agree or else." Jennifer gulped before nodding her head.
"I see, and how are you related?"
"I'm her mother."
…
"My mother? Really?" Jennifer asked as they walked back to the car.
"It worked, didn't it?" Mrs. Rodgers said with a laugh.
Jennifer bit her bottom lip. Maybe she should have let them lock her up. What if she really was a danger to Matilda like her aunt-okay, hallucination of her aunt-said.
"Stop that, you're making your lip bleed again." Mrs. Rodgers said. Jennifer dabbed at her lip with the back of her hand and stared at the blood. "Here's a tissue."
"Thanks." Jennifer held the tissue to her lip and climbed into the passenger seat. "Let's get Matilda. I hope she's okay." And hasn't blown anything up this time, Jennifer thought.
"Later," Mrs. Rodgers said. "First, let's get your prescriptions filled, and then we're going back to your place to get your things."
"My things? What things?" she started to ask before it clicked. "Mrs. Ro- Carol, no."
"Yes, You're staying with me, and I'm not taking no for an answer. Something's going on with you, and I'm not letting you out of my sight until I know you're safe."
"I'm fine now, really."
"No you're not! Something scared the living shit out of you today. What did the doctor have to say?"
"That pig!" Jennifer growled.
"Why do you keep saying that? What happened?"
"He told me to…to… I can't even say it!" She looked around the car as if someone else might be listening in before leaning in close to Carol and whispered, "He told me to…touch myself."
"Like right then and there in front of him?" Mrs. Rodgers asked.
"Well n-no, but still!" Jennifer said, face now flushed with embarrassment. "He made me write out a list of things I think might set off another episode, so I had written out a few things, and one of them was, umm," Jennifer mumbled the last part, "sex".
"Ohh, that makes more sense. Jen, you scared me, I thought you were going to say he did something inappropriate like make a move on you." Jennifer stared at her wide-eyed.
"How was that not inappropriate? The only kinds of women who would do such a thing are perverted sicko's like my aunt!" She watched Mrs. Rodgers purse her lips together until they all but disappeared. Huh? Was it something she said? All she had said was… A knot began to form in the pit of her stomach. "No, no, no, no! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that!"
Carol's eyebrows shot up. "How else would you mean it? You just compared millions of women, myself included, to a raging psychopath."
"M-millions?" And oh god, and did she just say her? Is this what a normal sex drive did to people? She couldn't imagine ever wanting sex, let alone wanting it so much she'd touch herself.
"I take it you haven't had many close female friends to discuss it with?" Carol asked. Jennifer shook her head and stared out the window. Sex was an uncomfortable topic. At least Carol wasn't five. "Well, I can ease your mind about one thing at least. He didn't suggest it because he's a pervert. It sounds more like a type of exposure therapy so when the time comes, maybe you won't be so anxious."
Jennifer shuddered at the thought. There would be no "when the time came" for her.
"No, thank you," she mumbled.
"You can't just avoid sex your whole life."
"Why not? It's worked well for me so far." Carol shook her head.
"Don't you think maybe that's what's gotten you into this situation in the first place?"
"Not having sex? I don't think they hospitalize people for that."
"Why take the chance?" Carol said with a wink. "I'm kidding, I'm referring to you avoiding your problems instead of facing them. It's like you bottle everything and pretend it's not there."
"No I don't." Jennifer said. Usually.
"You've been avoiding the question all day. What happened?"
"I told you what happened. I had a flashback."
"Why did you push Matilda away? And that look on your face… did you not realize it was her?" Jennifer looked back out the window again, hiding her face and the stream of tears threatening to fall any second. The guilt had returned, now more suffocating than ever.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Yes, we need to talk about this. We're not leaving this parking lot until you tell me the truth. You've been released into my care, and now you're my responsibility. You can't keep carrying on like you have been."
"Look, it's not- I mean, she was," Jennifer let out a frustrated sigh and hid her face in her hands.
"C'mon, just take a deep breath and then start again."
"Carol, I'm scared." Jennifer said, looking at her now through the blur of tears.
"I know you are, but why?"
"I'm scared I'm turning into a monster, just like her."
Mrs. Rodgers stared at her a moment, at a loss for words. "Why on earth would you think that?"
"Because I think I- I've been, I think I've been grooming Matilda this whole time." Jennifer said before breaking down in sobs. She could feel Mrs. Rodger's body stiffen in the seat next to her. "I don't want to hurt her! I didn't realize until today, and just the thought makes me feel so sick to my stomach."
"I think, I think we should go back to my place and talk about this. I'm calling Eve and telling her they're keeping you overnight."
The ride to the pharmacy had been a quiet one, and by the time they had pulled up to Jennifer's place, she was shaking from anxiety. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything. She debated just slamming the door closed behind her and locking herself in until Carol left, but she seemed to have read her mind. She stayed by her side like a prison guard escorting a dangerous inmate. After she threw together a few outfits for herself and Matilda just in case, she tossed them in Matilda's suitcase. She felt kind of silly packing herself a bag with butterflies on it, but it was the only suitcase they had. Her hand went automatically to the bag of pull-ups and stopped.
Matilda had been good about not having accidents lately, even at night, but even so, if she was going to be sleeping in someone else's bed, might as well pack them just in case.
By the time they made it to Carol's, Miss Honey was a nervous wreck.
"Go sit at the table, I'll get us something to drink." Carol said. Jennifer nodded and sat. She felt like a kid whose parents had told them "we need to talk". "Here, this'll help you relax." Carol set a wine glass in front of her filled with a dark red liquid and sat across from her, sipping from one of her own.
Jennifer took a tentative sip, she had never had wine before. She had to resist making a face. She hadn't expected it to burn.
"Let me ask you something." Carol said after a minute of silence. Jennifer felt her stomach clench. She took another sip of wine. "Are you having sexual fantasies about Matilda?" Jennifer nearly spat out her drink.
"No, of course not!"
"No desires to touch her anywhere inappropriate?"
"No!" Jennifer insisted.
"And you're not asking her to touch you anywhere?"
"Carol! No!"
"Then why did you say you're afraid you're becoming a monster? And you said something about grooming her. I need you to explain what you meant."
Jennifer took a larger gulp of the wine. It was starting to taste all right.
"You remember when Matilda was sick?" Carol nodded. "She had asked to lay on my chest without my night gown on. I did it as a one time thing, because maybe my skin felt cooler than hers with her fever but, even after that, she'd ask after a hard day, and we'd lie in bed holding each other." Jennifer drained the remaining liquid in her glass and waited for the disgust. "And once I had even offered."
"And what were you feeling? Turned on? Excited?"
"N-no, just, it-it felt nice to hold her."
"Just nice, not anything else?" Jennifer shook her head. "I don't understand."
"I got undressed and in bed with a child." Jennifer whispered. "And then held her and let her get on top of me, and I liked it. When I had that… episode in the bathroom, my aunt was there reminding me that's exactly how it started. She used to climb in bed with me naked when I was Matilda's age, and now I'm doing the same thing." Well not completely naked, they both had their underwear on, but close enough.
"Let me ask you another thing." Jennifer gripped her empty glass, but nodded. "Did you ask your aunt to do that?"
"No."
"Did you want her to do that?"
"No."
"Jennifer, look at me." She hesitated before slowly meeting Carol's eyes, surprised to find a soft smile on her lips. "It's not the same thing."
"How is it not the same thing?"
"Your motivations for one." She watched as Carol got up, grabbed the bottle off the kitchen counter and refilled both their glasses. "Your aunt got into bed with you uninvited. You didn't want it or ask for it. I think it's safe to say she didn't have your best intentions at heart. You on the other hand were just trying to comfort your sick daughter with no ulterior motives. You followed her lead, and you were just trying to be a good mom. And that feeling you described, that's called love. It may have been a long time ago, but I still remember how it felt to hold my son in my arms. You're not a monster, Jennifer, you're a mother."
"Thank you." Jennifer said with a sniffle and wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. "I didn't realize how much I needed to hear that."
"Now I just have one more question for you. It's very important." Carol held up something in her hand. Two somethings. "Are these what I think they are?" Jennifer padded her back pocket, it was empty. She grimaced.
"Matilda found them in my old room. I had a copy of Anne of Green Gables cut in the center to hide things in. They were my aunts."
"Jenn, you little Klepto." Carol laughed. "Fitting book." Jennifer gave her a sheepish grin. "So… got a lighter?"
"Carol! They're like eight years old!"
"Just how the Trunchbull liked them."
"Carol!"
"Sorry, sorry, bad joke. I blame the wine." Jennifer dug in her other pocket and placed the lighter on the table. "Now we're talking!"
"Ugh, this is disgusting." Jennifer said between coughs, "I can't believe we're doing this."
"But do you feel better?" Carol asked, taking another hit. Jennifer's head was swimming, but she was surprised to find she did feel tremendously better than she had earlier that day.
"I do." she admitted.
"See, mother knows best." Carol said, cracking them both up. "Oh, I need to call Eve."
"Oh, let me." Jennifer stood up, but suddenly the whole kitchen was moving. She quickly sat back down and put her head in her hands.
"Umm, better not. You are far from sober right now." Carol said with a chuckle.
"Some mother you are." Jennifer groaned from the table and held her head. She had never been drunk or high in her entire life and here she was practically both! She watched as Carol began talking into the receiver but frowned in concern as a puzzled look crossed Carol's face.
"No, we didn't give her anything. That's odd, can you put her on? No, no, just let her sleep, she probably needs it."
"Tell Matilda I love her." Jennifer mouthed.
"Umm, Jennifer is…under sedation right now. Should be released by tomorrow. We'll call you if anything changes." They talked for a few minutes more, but Carol's voice had dropped and Jennifer could no longer hear what she was saying.
"What happened?" Jennifer asked when Carol got off the phone.
"Eve said Matilda was acting a little loopy and off balance. She asked if we had given her anything to calm her down. I said we hadn't." Jennifer frowned. That was strange. They hadn't given her anything, and she was too smart to have to worry about her getting into things she shouldn't. "Well, she's sacked out on their couch now, I told her to let her sleep and passed on your message."
"Thank you." Jennifer held her head.
The room was swaying now, she didn't like it. She gripped the edge of the table to try and ground herself, but it wasn't working. Her mind was jumping from one unfinished thought to another, each one making less and less sense, but leaving her with the feeling she was on to something miraculous if only she could see the bigger picture. And the deja vu! She had had this conversation with Carol before, hadn't she?
"I don't mean to cut our conversation short, but would you mind if I laid down for a bit? I'm feeling a bit woozy."
"Oh, of course, just go down the hall and first door to your left. Oh and, I got you something at the pharmacy, but don't be mad."
Huh? What was she talking about? And that look on her face could only mean trouble. Jennifer watched as Carol pulled something from her pocket and tossed it at her. She tried to catch it, but wasn't even close and watched as a small bottle of what looked like lotion skittered to a halt on the kitchen floor. She bent down and picked it up before examining it. Jennifer read the label before eying Carol with pursed lips.
"In case you change your mind." Carol said with a wink. Jennifer didn't feel like arguing right now, so she slipped the bottle in her pocket without a word and made her way to the spare bedroom. Once there, she collapsed on the bed and moaned into the pillow. The room was swaying back and forth. Was it from the wine or the expired marijuana? Did that even expire? All she knew was never again.
Something was poking her waist. Jennifer slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out the bottle and eyed it darkly as she read the label. For clitoral stimulation. Why had Carol given this to her? She had no interest in doing that. It was dirty and shameful. Without thinking, she popped the lid off and sniffed it. It smelled odd. Besides, how would this stimulate anything? It was nothing but a placebo, she was sure of it. She squirted some on her finger. It felt just like regular lotion. She rubbed her fingers together. It was a placebo, it wouldn't work unless she wanted it to. She could probably put it on and nothing would happen. Would that prove she wasn't interested in sex? Then would Carol drop this line of thinking?
The next thing Jennifer knew, she was wiping it off on herself. It went on cold, and slimy. There, she tried it. There was a knock on the door. Jennifer quickly put the bottle back in her pocket and sat up as Carol walked in.
"Hi, sorry, thought you might want an extra blanket and a bottle of water."
"Thank you."
"Are you alright?" Carol asked, looking over her with a questioning glance. Jennifer could feel heat rushing to her face, along with somewhere else.
"Yes, I'll be fine," Jennifer said, forcing a pained looking smile as she shifted in place. It was getting warmer now. Why on earth had she gone and done that for? She had no intention of following through!
"Are you sure? You look a bit uncomfortable."
Jennifer was sweating. It was too warm! Too itchy! Too…too…
"Ah!" she sprung out of the bed and pumped her legs in place. "What is this?" she pulled the bottle out of her pocket and held it up. Carol stared at her wide-eyed for a moment in shock before bursting into laughter. "How much did you use?"
"I don't know! I was just smelling it and next thing I knew it was in my palm and-" Jennifer let out a groan. "It burns."
"You only needed a dab." Carol said through her laughter. "You can wash it off in the shower."
Jennifer followed her to a closet, fidgeting all the way. There she was handed a towel, and given instructions on how to use the shower's knobs. She closed the bathroom door behind her and groaned into her hands, still hearing Carol's giggles retreating down the hall. She didn't even wait for the water to warm all the way before jumping in. Jennifer had to get this stuff off her. She grabbed a washcloth that was hanging on a handrail and used it to wipe herself. Ugh, slimy. She wiped again. Still slimy. How was it possible it was getting warmer? She began to frantically scrub, desperate to get it off her skin.
Jennifer was starting to panic. Her heart was racing. Her breaths came in short gasps. Then the next thing she knew, there was an electrical current running up her belly. Her lower half began to pulse and throb. She stopped scrubbing as a wave of relief washed over her. What the hell was that? It almost reminded her of the time she had… A sinking shameful feeling began to form in the pit of her stomach. No! She hadn't been trying to! She hadn't meant to!
"Keep telling yourself that, Jen. Just like you keep telling yourself you didn't enjoy those nighttime visits."
No! No! Not again! Jennifer slowly turned and looked out through the glass shower door. She could see the blurry outline of a figure standing in the bathroom.
"I didn't." Jennifer mumbled weakly.
"Oh really? Your mouth says one thing, but your bedsheets always said another."
"No! Stop it!" Jennifer moaned. Her hands were covering her ears. She didn't want to remember.
"If you didn't like it, you wouldn't have cum."
The shame. The self loathing. She was sinking. Drowning in the memories. Or she would have been if not for the sudden, intense pain in her side. It was as if someone had taken a baseball bat to her. She bent over, moaning. She was seeing spots, but just as sudden as it had started, the pain vanished.
Jennifer stood bent over underneath the stream of water and tried to get her bearings. She looked up. The blurry figure behind the glass was gone. She slowly straightened up and felt along her side. Nothing. No pain, no tenderness. What in the world? Was it a stomach cramp? Whatever it was, she couldn't have asked for better timing. It had snapped her out from her spiral and back to reality.
When Jennifer emerged from the shower, she made her way back to the spare bedroom, put on her night gown and crawled into bed. No matter how much she had washed herself, she still felt dirty. She didn't want to think about what she had done. What she wanted more than anything was innocence. She wanted to be in her classroom. She wanted to see the light and joy in children's eyes. But what she wanted most of all was her innocence, even if she knew it was something she could never have. The last thing she thought about before sleep overcame her was her daughter. She hoped Matilda was having a better night than she was. If Jennifer couldn't have her innocence, then the least she could do was watch out for Matilda's.