Chapter 4 – A gift from 1901

Bright moonlight painted the dark, warm, waters near the Snake Island where the yacht still remained. We had arrived moments ago, finding the interior of the yacht completely empty, our companions still on the field. Carlisle took a few minutes to speak with Zafrina about our finds and to inquire about their situation. I waited patiently in the chair in front of the big wooden desk that adorned his office. The nerves were getting the better of me but there was no magic spell to save me from the mess I had created. I could not hide anymore and I knew it. Still, it did not make it any easier to share my feelings. I was never good at it in the first place, let alone if it meant to potentially hurt someone I cared about, it was simply too much to bare. Nevertheless, I had just been cornered by my own ridiculous actions and had only myself to blame.

When Carlisle inevitably turned off his walkie-talkie, he walked rather fast to the big chair in front of mine. As he sat down, I could see the tension in his eyes, making me believe that I was not the only one nervous about this conversion. However, he was still braver than me. He pushed the chair forward, his elbows resting on the dark wooden desktop as he intertwined his own fingers, his gaze low as he first spoke.

"Now that that's taken care of, it is our turn" I swallowed nervously as his eyes fell upon mine, piercing me like a sharp tip of a knife "Would you mind telling me what happened back there?"

"It was nothing"

"Isabella"

His lips uttered my name almost as a curse, making my skin crawl. He had never referred to me that way beforehand and I admit it, it did caught me off guard. I felt reprimanded, almost like being back at Forks High School in P.E.; I could almost hear Coach Clapp's voice in Carlisle's. Though, I knew quite well that this was very different, whether I was ready to admit it or not. Carlisle was worried and him letting this go was a non-negotiable, that much he had made pretty clear.

I wasn't strong enough to hold his gaze but the words long imprisoned in my throat were at last able to set themselves free and as such I decided to start with the beginning in a faint attempt to make this whole situation easier for myself. Oh, who was being naive now?

"At the island you stated that I should know better than anyone what a great promise, like the one you made to Edward, means to a parent…" I breathed in, unnecessarily, my eyes closing for only but a moment, trying to control my emotions as best as I could. I tightened my hands into hard fists as I exhaled slowly, eyes opening once more "And you were right; I do. I made a promise that I could not keep and it is…" I bit my lip, grasping for air once more, my gaze still on his desktop "Well- you can fill in the blanks yourself"

It took him a few moments to grasp what I had just said which was something that did not happen quite often. He was a three hundred year old vampire, I dare say not many things had the ability to truly surprise him. But it appeared I had done just that.

"If I may…" His words were now overfilled with caution, the tone in which he spoke was much warmer, full of new found understanding and compassion that was so typical of his "What did you promise?"

"That she would live" An ironic broken smile bloomed off my lips, the facade that I had been maintaining for days crumbling "She...she asked me if we were all going to die and I…, I just couldn't let her believe that. I confess, even I wanted to believe that there was a future, even if it was just for her. If she lived than I would be at peace and would happily die just for a shred of that possibility. But… Carlisle… I-I could not save her-"

In less than a second, his arms were involving my body, intertwining themselves in me like protecting wings of an angel. The calming scent of jasmine flowed all around me as I buried my face in his chest, giving into the warmth I so craved. Like fire on dry wood. My mind protested that I was not allowed any of it, that it was wrong for me to take advantage of his kind nature but for once my body did not listen. It simply felt too good, the touch of another. I had been so alone that I needed it like a human would need air to breath. Such was my shame.

We remained like so for several minutes, none of us moving a single inch for what felt like a lifetime. I kept reminding myself that it was too much now, that I should let go but my hands insisted on remaining on his back. However, he was not moving either so I tried to ease myself with that thought.

"Forgive me…" His voice broke the silence at last as his hands caressed my arms in a comforting manner "If only I had known I would have never said such a thing"

I couldn't help but to smile, after all, only Carlisle would find a fault in himself in a situation like this. I could not say I was too surprised about it.

"It is not your fault, you were just trying to help"

"Still, perhaps, I should have been more careful with my words"

Still with his arms lingering around me, he moved slightly away in order to look at me directly. I confess, I could not decipher the emotions that flowed through him; those remained quite a mystery. Though, in those golden eyes I sensed an unshakeable determination and as such the calming, protective, feelings I had just experienced dissolved rather quickly as I prepared myself for whatever it was that he wished to tell me. I feared that I would crumble again upon hearing any kind of comforting, understanding speech. I did not deserve it.

"But, I feel compelled to tell you that everything that happened was also not your fault"

As I heard those words, the hands that remained on his body removed themselves and I took a quick step back, my eyes resting on his, a merge of anger and irony melting away from them.

"Now, we both know that is just not true" Were the words I almost spit out "How can you even suggest that? Must I remind you who took Edward from you, your entire family, Esme…?" My voice broke with the memory of that eventful day, the souls of the dead plaguing my mind.

"The Volturi did"

His answer made my anger that much greater. How could he not see what I saw so clearly? Or perhaps, he did indeed but wished to spare me from farther pain. I did not understand why, after all, I deserved it.

"No, it was me" I insisted, taking a step closer, making my point "If only I hadn't been so selfish, only two of us would have died that day and not practically two entire covens and a few more innocent people that had nothing to do with it in the first place"

"You must know that Aro already had his sights on our coven for a very long time. He wasn't about to just let it go" Carlisle said also taking a step closer, shortening the distance that separated us "He saw an opportunity and he took it"

"But it could have been avoided! You could have just let me and Edward die and not involve yourself, your family and your friends"

"Do you really think that I would have been capable of that?" He tried to reason, his eyes locked onto mine, a knowing look mirrored in them.

"No…" If he thought I would still let him win this argument he was very much mistaken, no matter the factual truth in his words. I did not care about the truth, I cared about the right thing and what happened clearly what not it "But it doesn't mean that you shouldn't have"

"That is exactly what it means"

I couldn't help but to lightly punch him in the chest, the anger and guilt that I was experiencing starting to consume me.

"No, it is not! Why don't you understand that it was my responsibility to deal with it instead of dooming everyone that you loved to death" My gaze was still cast down, as I continued to repeatedly press my fist against his chest, my emotions getting the better of me.

"You seem to forget that you also lost everyone that you loved!"

His voice was louder now and anger transpired through it. It was the first time I heard him like so; I thought angry was not in his vocabulary. But I was wrong. He grabbed my fist firmly, stopping me, making me look into his eyes once more. I was surprised to not only find anger but guilt – buckets of it. Where was this coming from? I felt that, perhaps, I had hit a nerve in him that I did not intend to. The anger disappeared slightly from my features as he almost spit the words, a sprinkle of irony coming from them.

"Isabella, you were just children. Edward had a mentality of a seventeen year old, you were just eighteen yourself! How could you possibly be equipped to deal with something of this magnitude?" He left the question linger in the air around us as his free hand brushed my shoulder lightly, his gazing flowing to that spot as he lost himself in his thoughts "I, on the other hand, should have-"

Suddenly, we both heard the heart beats of the two young wolves nearby, their voices quite loud mixed in with Zafrina's calm energy. Alone time was over. I daresay I was perhaps too happy about it and was definitely glad to leave the matter for another time. The energy that plagued the office was quite an intriguing one and I would like nothing more than to get some personal space back.

"We should finish this conversation later" He said in a low whisper, his words brushing upon my checks from how close he was.

"Agreed" Said I, taking a long over-due step back. I proceeded to get my camera with all the underwater pictures of the mystery rock and the code left by Alice, along with my notes. I headed towards the door with everything in my hands as I felt Carlisle right behind me. He hesitated.

"But, Bella…" He spoke, making me stop. God damn it, I thought the conversation was over "We should do this more often" To that I had to turn around and look at him, an amused smile on my lips as I tried to lighten the heated mood that persisted around us.

"What, argue like children?"

"Talk honestly with each other" He clarified without a drop of amusement on his features, compassion emanating from his golden eyes.

I tried to ignore his words, as I was already quite embarrassed about that whole situation, and started to head down the flight of stairs that followed down to the living-room area where the rest to the team was.

"Oh and if you ever call me Isabella again…" Said I in a low threatening tone, so the others could not hear me. After all, I had to make that point clear rather sooner than later.

"You will do what?" He said behind me and though I could not see his face I knew he was smiling, amusement emanating his voice.

"Don't laugh at me, I'm still a newborn and could easily break you in half" I threatened again, though not with as much firmness as I would have hoped, for a silly smile also bloomed in my lips.

"Could you now?"

I did not have a chance to answer back at his mocking remark as we reached the end of the stairs. Our companions were still drying themselves off, some already on the sofas eating a well deserved snack. By the look on their faces, they did not seem to find much useful information which was a shame. Though, I did not have much hope after the big find on our end.

"What a lovely sight the two of you are, I wish I could be that satisfied with our finds" Commented Zafrina, still with a towel on her hands as she dried her hair off "I trust everything went well?" She questioned with a knowing look towards Carlisle.

"Yes-"

"Yes, yes, here is everything we discovered" Said I understanding the second meaning in those words as I crossed the room in vampire speed and placed all of my notes and photographs in the big table in the middle of the room, deviating the conversation elsewhere. Enough about the subject. It was bad enough that Carlisle had seen me in such a state let alone share the details with Zafrina somehow. Enough about my life and about how I was not handling it.

Everyone gathered around me as I explained more in depth what we had found.

"And that's it. I know it's better than nothing but we still don't know how to decipher this code" A frustrated sigh escaped my lips.

"I have seen it before, these numbers are usually used to point to a page, paragraph, word and finally a letter from a specific book until you obtain a full sentence or message" Suggested Zafrina.

"I had figured as much, but this kind of code is used usually through religious books and I have to admit that Alice isn't the religious type" Confessed Carlisle.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt to try the bible, still, would it?" Insisted Zafrina.

"Yes, of course, but what bible?"

"Excellent question… I don't know, what kinds of bibles do you have at your house?"

"Almost all of them" Carlisle smiled sheepishly as everyone else in the room, including myself, gave a frustrated sigh.

"Of course, you vampires and your extensive reading" Remarked Embry, rolling his eyes.

"Well, it is going to be a long search then…" Concluded Zafrina, though I was not satisfied with that resolution. It was too limiting to look only in one place and since three of us were vampires it would be better to make use of our natural gifts.

"But, we don't have time! I say we look at this from another angle" Was what I suggested, eager to see that mystery solved as fast as possible "What about a specific book she likes? She used The Merchant of Venice with me because she knew I liked it and had been reading it. What if she did something similar now?"

"It is a good suggestion, but still, which book?" Pondered Carlisle, to which I frowned confused.

"She didn't have a favorite?" He smiled lightly at my question, his features revealing some worry.

"She had too many favorites, I have no idea which of those she could have chosen"

"Well, it can't be that hard to find out. It must be what three, four max?" Seth shrugged as he ate two more chocolate cookies. This time it was Carlisle's turn to sigh.

"About 150"

"Great…" Was all Seth could say to that, echoing what everyone else was surely thinking though I was not that surprised. It was such an Alice thing to do – make everything more complicated than what it needed to be.

"We are vampires after all" Tried to, poorly, excuse Carlisle.

"Then, we have a lot of work ahead of us" Articulated Zafrina, already conformed to our fate.

"So, back to Forks we go" Expressed Carlisle as he started to make the preparations for us to get back to the continent.

The journey back was calmer, fortunately. Everyone was focused on the mission and as such I wasn't the focus or attention of the two other vampires anymore. Which gave me time to think and be alone – sort of – although, one could argue that me being left with my thoughts wasn't the best idea.

I couldn't help but to think that I should also be focused and preoccupied with finding Alice and Benjamin, and I was, but everything that happened earlier what still very much present in my mind – more than what I wished. I still could not figure out if I had done the right thing confiding in Carlisle, though I knew I did not have much of a choice in matter. And, although, I still felt embarrassed and uncomfortable for having to be so honest and burdening him with my insignificant problems, his final words worried and intrigued me. What did he feel guilty about? He could have done nothing more, but still, he felt responsible for our situation somehow. I had always seen Carlisle as this mature person, who knew everything and always had things under control, that was at peace with his life but what if I was wrong? What if I had got him completely and utterly wrong? What if he was not on top of this pedestal I had subconsciously put him in?

I didn't know what to think but of one thing I was absolutely certain – if he needed my help with anything or even if that meant just having a conversation, as silly and stupid as that looked from my perspective, I would be there for him. I owed him that much.

But, perhaps, I was seeing things were they did not exist. Perhaps, I was simply projecting. Since I was struggling, now, suddenly, everyone else had to be also. Pathetic, right?

Regardless, I would find out from him later what he meant by those words. At the moment I had to focus on what was really important and that unfortunately meant that I had to delve in the excruciating task of book scanning.

Weeks had gone by and it seemed like the most helpless kind labor. Every day was exactly the same from dawn to sundown. The wolves would join us during the daytime and leave to the reservation at around eight pm. After that we would just keep on reading, only stopping every couple of days to hunt. And, oh, what we read. From religious books to gothic novels, to eighteen century romances to children's books. I knew the Cullen house was in and of itself a library but I really did not know how right I was when I remarked it to myself the first time I had ever set foot on the house. I would bet my savings that it had more books than the Library of Congress. For sure. And if it didn't, it certainly felt like it.

So for what felt like forever we read. And we read, and read, and read, and read, and read.

Until, one particular evening. I had just finished She Who Walks in Beauty by Byron when I decided to take a small break. My mind was about to explode, I had never felt so mentally exhausted in my existence. I could not handle anymore books, which was certainty a first for me, but, even I had my limits. The unfortunate thing was, we were running out of options. In two weeks we had read almost all of the books in the Cullen house, even the same novels in different editions and languages and none of them was a match to the riddle. I was starting to think that we would never find the right book, though, I tried to steer my mind away from such thoughts. They would not help. And as such, a much needed break was in order and since I had the place to myself because everyone else had gone hunting, I just wondered around the house for a few minutes in a faint attempt to distract myself.

There were areas where I did not even dare to set foot in. Rosalie and Emmett's room, Carlisle's and, most of all, Edward's old room, though, I did reach the last's door and even placed, hesitantly, my hand on the knob. But I could not it. I wasn't ready and now was not the time to dive head first into the past, I still needed to be focused. I tried to think of a place where I felt comfortable in that house but it seemed that everywhere I looked I could only see ghosts. In truth, it was the first time I had ever been there all alone since the battle and I wasn't handling it every well. But, alas, I remembered a place.

I ran in vampire speed to Carlisle's study and was pleased to find it unlocked. I expected to find the same comfort there that I had when I was human, somehow, that place was the only one in the house, with the exception of Edward's room, where I had felt truly at home. It was so welcoming and beautiful, one could get lost in it by just looking at the paintings themselves. But it seemed that not even that had the ability to give me peace. All of those paintings of the people I loved that had passed were bringing me no joy, they were only more ghosts on the walls.

My eyes flew to one of the smaller, older, paintings depicting a seventeen century London. I approached it, glad to have found something unfamiliar and with no painful memories attached to it to look at. I let myself wonder what it would have been like to live in that time. Better in some aspects I was sure but not in all. I confess, I would not mind to be able to step into history and experience every era even if it was for just a few hours or even minutes. What would the people be like, what would the food be like, the clothes, the air, even the conversations? A different world to explore, a different place to escape to and, oh, how I wished to escape to anywhere else, to be free of this miserable existence.

My daydream was cut short by the approaching footsteps of vampire. I felt him behind me, observing, no doubt wondering what in the world was I doing in his study instead of being in the living-room reading. But, still, I did not wish to finish my break just yet and figured that making small insignificant conversation would be the best course of action, I just hoped he would not mind.

"What was it like? Living back there…" I asked in a low whisper, still a bit lost in my daydream.

"Both wonderful and absolutely horrible" He answered truthfully as he walked beside me to contemplate the painting as well, which meant that he was up for this silly and unnecessary conversation. I was glad, thrilled actually, for a distraction.

"What was wonderful about it?"

"Perhaps, it not so much the time or the place but rather being human is what I cherish the most" He seemed to ponder about this matter while I waited patiently for him to continue "My life was not easy or simple. My relationship with my father was a complicated one, though, I loved and admired him, I was also against his ideals and knew that he killed a lot of innocent people in his pursuits to cleanse the world of sin, as he put it. When I unwilling took over from him, I had made up my mind that I needed to make my father's mistakes right and find the actual creatures at once instead of innocents to please the people and than…, well, you already know how that ended" He concluded with a gentle smile, though there lingered no amusement in it "But I suppose that even under all of the filth of the streets of London one would be able to find beauty. Love, for example, was much easier" Now I had to look at him, my eyes expressing that I did not agree with him in the least. His smile got wider, amused by my reaction "You don't agree? Well, perhaps, not in the practical sense but at least we were honest about our feelings, especially amongst the lower classes. If we loved somebody we wouldn't play around and pretend we felt the opposite, like it is so common nowadays"

"That seems… intense. But, perhaps, I have to agree that it would be preferable than the ridiculous chase some people love doing" Mike and Jessica came to mind on that front. That got a chuckle out of Carlisle as I raised a brow to demand what was so funny.

"Some people? You are guilty of that yourself" He pointed, still with a smirk on his lips.

"No, I'm not" I expressed matter-of-factually, annoyed by his open amusement.

"Must I remind you, who chased after Edward till the ends of the earth?"

"But I was always honest about my feelings, perhaps, too honest I should say" I argued "And because of that, I wasn't about to just give up over a few setbacks" Or many, I added to myself.

"Maybe you should have"

It took me a few seconds to realize that I hadn't just imagined those words, he had actually spoken them. I was perplexed, to say the least. What did he even mean by those? Was I such a burden to him that he wished I wasn't a vampire at all? I did not understand. Had he never approved of me? Did he think me unworthy of Edward, especially now? If that was the case, he was right to think that, as I agreed with this opinion since I had first meet Edward. But than, why did it hurt so much to think such things?

I opted for the easiest reaction. I had to understand, after all.

"What…?" I blinked rather fast, my nerves showing. He realized and shuck his head lightly as if to wake up from a dream. A very distant one it seemed.

"Forgive me, I must be so tired that I don't know what I'm saying anymore" He tried to excuse himself but the damage what already done. He was a vampire, I knew perfectly well that he knew exactly what he was saying and he meant every single one of those words. Perhaps, he had been too honest this time and quickly realized his mistake but he could not fool me. Sooner or later I would find out what he meant, but for the moment it seemed this was his way of saying I don't want to talk about it "Of course you shouldn't have given up"

"Of course…" I repeated as I cast my eyes down, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable since I could not stop wondering if I truly was an inconvenience to him. And, try as I might to disguise my emotions something in my expression or in my voice was not convincing enough because the conversation did not end there. But should have.

"Bella…" He murmured, reaching for my shoulder, though, I moved away possibly too sharply from him, my eyes not daring to meet his. Again, I was too much of coward for that.

"You speak of honesty but you are lacking it" I accused as he insisted in taking another step towards me.

"Bella, please, I apologize, I-"

"Apologize?" I snapped "No, I want you to be honest with me. Did you think that I wasn't suited to be with Edward? Am I burdening you at all? Because if that is the case I can leave, you don't have to worry about me. Actually, why did you even ask me to stay? I-"

"Isa-" He corrected himself in time, making me face his features once more. In them I saw the same vulnerability from the beach, the same worry, the same frustration "Bella, you got it all wrong. That was not what I meant!" A vexed sigh escaped his lips, his eyes on mine, determined "Must you always assume the worst of me? The worst of yourself?"

Those words haunted me more than the ghosts on the walls, daring me to face my emotional state once more and let's just say I did not like what I found. But, I already knew that. I could not speak or answer his questions and as it seemed my ability to form a sentence was completely lost from me. Nevertheless, he was not about to be stopped by my silly and sudden silence

"Well, let me finally and openly clarify it for you. I asked you to stay, to consider to live, not because I somehow find you a burden but because your are the only family I have left and, honestly, I need you"

"You… need me?" It seemed such an impossible concept for my mind to grasp that for a brief moment I thought I was dreaming, but this was no dream. Still, I could not believe that a three hundred year old vampire needed insignificant newborn me for anything at all. What could I possibly help him with? Nothing. I was nothing and the maker of our collective misery.

"I do" There was absolutely no hesitation whatsoever on his answer and that, I had to admit, was what surprised me the most "I know it is selfish of me to say this things but they are the truth. So, I need you to understand that you are family just like everyone else was and that you could never burden me. Do you understand?"

"I think so… but it just doesn't make any sense to me" Was probably the most honest I had been this whole conversation, after all, he had broken a portion of my walls.

"What doesn't?" His features were compassionate once more, the Carlisle that I knew, as he posed the question with the understanding and patience that was so typical him. The frustration and intensity leaving his body at last.

"Why in the world would someone like you need someone like me?"

His answer to this was gentle and understanding smile but absolutely nothing more. He took a step closer, ignoring my statement completely, and dared me to lock eyes with him once more so I had nowhere to run, no way of fooling him.

"Just promise me that you will not question this fact anymore"

"Aye, aye, captain" Said I in a faint attempt to lighten the mood as I was a bit taken aback with the sudden intensity of his words and even the way the conversation had stirred. All because of painting.

"Promise me" He insisted not amused by my used up joke. Apparently that was not something that he was willing to let slide. I had to give in, still a complete atheist about the whole thing.

"Alright, I promise" I said with a sigh.

"Good" Carlisle smiled lightly, satisfied "And now that this matter is finally settled, we should get back to our task, Zafrina will be arriving any minute now" He expressed as he started to walk towards the door of the study and back to the living-room. But, there was something that was still haunting my mind and as much as I also wished to finish this conversation I needed to place a final question. If not it would not leave my mind for days, or, dare I say it, weeks.

"Wait… answer me just this" I asked, making him hesitate near the door with his back turned to me. I took this pause from him as an invitation to continue "If I'm not a burden to you and you see me as family, then what did you mean by those words?"

I could see the conflict inside of him, trying to make up his mind. Would he tell me the truth, would he not? It seemed to be a more sensitive matter than what I initially thought and because of that I waited patiently for an answer, if it ever came at all.

Finally, he looked at me once more, his expression apologetic and understanding.

"Those were my own demons talking, it had nothing to do with you"

"Can you clarify that statement for me?" To that he smiled lightly, again, an apology mirrored in his features.

"Perhaps, another time"

I nodded, understanding. If he did not feel comfortable talking about it then I would respect that, after all, that is what I wished everyone else would do for me. Though, I was now more curious and intrigued than ever before. And worried. I truly had seen him like a god, hadn't I? Like someone that could endure anything, that was so mature and poised that it would be impossible for him to have his own demons haunting him. It just didn't sound like the Carlisle I knew, but, perhaps, it was I who needed to see him in a different light. Food for thought, I suppose.

We reached downstairs and for about another fifteen minutes we read a few more books. As usual none of them matched the code left by Alice. Fortunately, when I was on my twenty second book since the mini break, Zafrina arrived unexpectedly with Seth and Embry right behind her. I looked at my watch. 4:56 am. What were they even doing up at this hour?

"We figured it out!"

Was all Seth could loudly shout as the three of them overran the living-room, disrupting the silent tension that had established itself due to the lack of results.

The trio reached the couch where me and Carlisle were seated, books surrounding us to floor, making it look more like an intricate maze than anything else. Of course, Seth ignored all of this, steeping over more than a dozen books, some older than two hundred years might I add, and quickly sat down beside me with hope filling his eyes. I had to admit, I didn't see him like this since a very long time and wanted to believe that what he said was the truth more than anything. But, I was cautious as I had learned that hope like that could kill.

"I still find it incredibly ridiculous but they insisted in talking to you" Zafrina disclosed, her features showing signs of annoyance as she clearly did not share the same hope of the wolves.

"It's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!" Announce Seth unable to contain himself any further. To that statement I had to agree with Zafrina, it was indeed a ridiculous idea but then again not impossible.

"No way, isn't that too obvious?" I questioned in disbelief, raising a brow as I looked at both Seth and Embry.

"I wouldn't put it past Alice…" Noted Carlisle with a sigh. He was clearly tired from the search and was apparently willing to look at the situation from an angle, any at all. I could not say I was in a much better place myself. What I would give to figure this out.

"Yeah, you're right… but we have also read several editions of that book already and nothing" I pointed bringing everyone back to reality. I could not deny it, I had thought the very same thing in the beginning of the search but as I read through more than twenty editions of the book that existed at the Cullen house, both in english, danish and spanish, I had pretty much given up on the subject. But, alas, here we where once more.

"What if it is a special one for her, like in different language?" Suggested Carlisle.

"Hum, it is a good idea..., though, we have already scratched english, spanish and danish, so what more is there?" I questioned once more, thinking of other possible languages but there were so many that the task seemed even more daunting now. Though, I did not have much more time to wonder about the subject as my musings were interrupt by Zafrina, her expression in complete disbelief.

"So, you guys are taking this seriously?"

"Honestly, yes" I said with a tired sigh "Zafrina we are desperate. We have been looking for weeks and found nothing, this is our best lead, as ludicrous as it sounds" I tried to reason and it seemed to work because with a defeated sigh she sat in the couch next to me and seemed ready to work.

"Alright, where do we start?"

"Well, if we are talking about an edition in another language, what about her favorite places to visit?" Was Embry's suggestion to which Carlisle seemed to go deep in thought about.

"Hum, let me see. Montenegro comes to mind and also Normandy, her and Jasper used to go there all the time…"

"So montenegrin and french, alright, let's start through there" Said I ready to start searching again as I got up from my seat in order to find those books "Were do you keep those editions?" I asked Carlisle.

"I don't. We don't have them at the house, I mean, that I'm aware of" He said to my disappointment "She could have the edition hidden away somewhere, perhaps, in her room or closet, but I think it would be best if we just bought the books ourselves" He recommended.

"Still, it will be like looking for a needle in a haystack and that is assuming this hunch is correct" Expressed Zafrina, still not completely sold on this new plan.

"Than, what do you suggest? Keep reading random books for another two weeks?" I argued. I had to admit I was not certain about this plan either but it was the only plan we had at the moment and we were running out of time. God knows what our friends were going through at the moment, if they were even still alive. I did not want to think about that possibility and wondered why in the world would Alice leave us a ridiculous code to crack instead of a simple 'I'm at this location; come and get me'.

"Fine" Complied Zafrina at last, my arguments persuading her slightly "So, where do we buy these books? It's not like we are in Europe, close to the nearest shop"

"I will make a few calls in the morning and see what I can do" Replied Carlisle as he quickly grabbed a small leather journal and started to scribble a list "In the mean time, I suggest that we separate into three groups; Zafrina and Embry, you guys will be tasked with finding the easiest editions locally or at least close to home. Seth and Bella will search Alice's room, again, to see if you guys can find the book that she supposedly owns. Everyone in agreement?" All of us nodded, I included, although, I was the least bit excited about being alone with Seth after our previous conversation.

"What about the older and rarer editions?" Asked Zafrina.

"Leave those to me, I have a few contacts over Europe that can help" Replied Carlisle as he closed his journal.

"Alright, we will leave first thing in the morning but before that I have a few things to take care of at the Reservation" Informed Embry as he also got up to leave and probably get a few more hours of sleep. He deserved them.

"Of course, take all the time that you need" Was Carlisle reply as he accompanied Embry to the door.

"Seth, are you coming?" Asked Embry as he noticed that the youngest wolf did not follow him.

"Nah, there is no time like the present to start looking for that damn book" He replied with a shrug.

"Alright, but at least get some sleep" Embry advised as he crossed the room to lightly embrace his friend.

"In a couple of hours"

"Take care of yourself; or better yet" Said Embry as he looked at each and everyone of us vampires "Don't let him out of your sight"

"Ah, ah, very funny; you can leave now" Uttered Seth in a sarcastic tone as he pushed Embry outside the door and into the cold night of March.

We said our final goodbyes to Embry and got back to the interior of the house. As agreed, I followed Seth upstairs to Alice and Jasper's room, still a bit angry at Carlisle for placing us in the same team. After all, I suspected that he did it on purpose because he knew we had to eventually talk about what happened on the jet and even before. I confess, I was dreading every second of it because I had no excuses for him. None of my answers would be ever good enough to justify what happened and I was sure my relationship with Seth was broken forever. I did not blame him, not even a little bit.

All of these thoughts were racing through my mind as I went up the stairs leading to the first floor. As I got to the door of the room, I hesitated. I didn't go in there since before the battle, as it was Carlisle and Zafrina that had searched the room beforehand taking every book from it that they found, and I was nervous. I feared that if I saw something that linked me to my old life I would crumble again just like I did at the cottage. I wasn't ready to somehow relive the past but I had no choice – if I wanted to help the living I would have to search there, despite the memories of the dead.

"Is something wrong?" Seth's voice plugged me from my thoughts as I realized I had probably been standing there without moving for about a minute or two.

"It's nothing"

Was my reply as I finally opened the door. The room was completely different from what I remembered. Instead of the perfectly tidy and immaculate room I was so used to seeing, it was dark and a complete mess. Clothes and various miscellaneous objects were scattered all over the room, whether it was on top of the bed or on the floor that was almost impossible to walk on – the complete opposite of Alice, if she saw it now she would be absolutely livid.

I turned on the lights and let Seth inside. And for what felt like another version of forever, this was our new found routine. Me and him would spend our entire days searching the room, over and over, as we also read more editions that were arriving either from Europe or from the various shops in the state of Washington. A month and few weeks had gone by and nothing. I was starting to think that I should have listened to Zafrina. This idea was absolutely ridiculous and a complete waste of time. So, one tedious afternoon, I was seating on the floor of Alice's room with a 1920's edition of the Lewis Carroll fairytale on my lap when I finally decided to ask Seth the question that had been on my mind for quite some time.

"Where did you get this idea, that it was this particular story that would crack the code?"

"It was actually because of a conversation I was having with Embry that same night, he said something that just clicked for me" Seth explained, still not taking his gaze off his book as I did not take mine from my own. This was normal for us at this point. We had barely talked the past month, only ever speaking to each other if it was most necessary, actually, it was the first time I had tried to make conversation. I wasn't going to, but I was so frustrated and annoyed that I just had to know "He said something about how in some of the thriller books that he's read that the answer to the riddles would be so obvious that you would never think of it in the first place. And that's when it hit me, after all, it has her name on the cover"

"Yes, I get it but, perhaps, it is time to…" I start to lightly suggest before he interrupted me.

"Give up? Yeah, I had been thinking about it for some time now; me and my shit ideas, I just do shit" He said it in such a way that made me face him for the first time in months. He seemed broken and full of regret, making me immediately worried.

"Hey..., what are talking about?" I asked in the gentlest of tones as I waited for him to reply. When he finally did it, he still could not look me in the eye.

"Bella… I'm sorry for what I said on that morning, I-"

"There is no need to apologize, Seth, and you were right" I could not even believe he was apologizing. Jesus, I was the one that had to apologize for the rest of my existence for my mistakes, not him, he was an innocent in this mess that I created. I had to make him understand this, he did not get to blame himself for the way he dealt with his grief "I had no right to tell you what to do, after all, we are in this situation because of me"

He did look at me this time, both surprised and angry. Actually, he looked to be in complete disbelief of my words.

"First of all, yes, I do. I'm sorry for my words, Bella, I know you are also grieving and didn't deserve how harsh I was" He articulated, looking at this very moment much wiser and beyond his years. To tell the truth, I had never seen him so serious before "Second of all, I can't deny that your actions played a part in what happened but what are you really guilty for? Falling in love?" To this I had to lightly smile – he had too much of a good heart.

"Involving you"

"You know we would follow Jake anywhere and we did; it was our choice" He argued back and I knew that he was telling the truth but still it was my doing nonetheless.

"I still could have avoided your involvement"

"Maybe, but what is done is done, you were in an impossible situation and did the best you could at the time; so did we"

"I was selfish, Seth" I admitted, wanting to end that argument once and for all. He had to understand who he was dealing with. He gazed at me in disbelief, raising a brow as I insisted "I was. I only thought about saving my daughter and everyone else be dammed, even me"

I expected him to just scream at me, tell me some harsh words, be angry, anything but what ended up following. He placed his hand on top of mine and looked at me with compassion. When did he become so mature?

"You were being a mom; I know mine would have done the same thing for me and for my sister"

"You are being too kind"

"And you are being too harsh, besides, I already spend a few months blaming you for what happened..." He admitted which hurt me more then what I expected. I knew this to be the truth but to hear him say it out loud was painful "Until I realized it was never your fault, it was the Volturi. That's why I'm here now, I want to kill every last one of them"

"With some luck, we will" I was able to articulate with a shadow of a smile after hearing his words.

"Yeah, if we ever decipher that stupid code; Jesus, why does Alice have to be so…"

"Alice?"

"Yeah!" We both laughed as mood seemed to lighten a bit after both of our confessions and respective acceptance. As selfish and despicable as it was of me, I was glad Seth didn't hate me.

"Tell be about it, only Alice would make us go around in circles to help her" I said as I leaned against one of the walls that had an enormous bookcase. I probably hit it too hard because the wall broke with the weigh I put on it. Jesus, me and my newborn strength.

"Man, what a mess" Was all Seth managed to comment before coughing because all of the dust that was slowly surrounding us.

"That's a newborn vampire for you; I thought I had gotten used to this already"

As the dust cleared I realized that perhaps it was not me who wrongly calculate my strength but rather the wall that was much thinner then what I expected. It was not a structural wall but one to camouflage something. I quickly got up and looked at it. It sheltered absolutely nothing but one thing: a circular vault with about fifty inches of diameter. I felt Seth in complete shock behind me as I advanced towards the golden vault and began to think about the password that was needed to open it. I tried various dates until I reached the correct one. 1950. The year she joined the Cullen family and married Jasper. Thank the heavens that it was not that difficult to guess.

I expect money to be inside of it or some expensive piece of jewelry but all I found was a book and a few old photographs. Me and Seth looked at it each other as I took the book from it's place and surprise, surprise, it was a 1901's french edition of Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

"No way..."

"Yes, way. You were right all along, Seth; you're a genius!" I exclaimed in complete excitement as I embraced him tightly. Than, I realized what I had just done and quickly let go of him "Sorry…"

"No, I like it" Was his reply as he took a step towards me and hugged me once more, tighter then before "I missed you" I felt him lightly cry against my shirt and could feel the pain in him merging with my own. I would never forgive myself for hurting him like this – I knew I did not deserve him.

I embraced him back, harder than ever before as if he were about as fragile as a crystal chalice in my arms.

"Me too"

Author's Note: My dear readers, I warmly thank you for finishing chapter 4 and sincerely hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Once more, thank you for the lovely reviews, favourites and follows! See you in the next one!