July 2013
Gwen knew that she was supposed to be happy for Paige. And yet, she couldn't stop the bitter thoughts that crept in her mind, making her hate Paige and the world.
She watched as Paige was escorted by Steve off to meet Anderson. Her mother. Paige still had a mother and she got to be reunited with her. Gwen's mother had been dead all of her life. Gwen never even got to see her. Not only that, she would never get to be reunited with her mother.
She knew, deep down, that she should be happy for Paige. The poor girl had suffered far worse in life than Gwen ever had. Paige deserved to have a win like this. But all Gwen could think of was herself, and what she had lost and would never get back.
To relieve her feelings, she left for the training room to take out her anger on a few punching bags. Down there, all alone, she could think in peace about everything. She tried her hardest to push her mother out of her mind, but it didn't work very well. Gwen could remember when she first realized that most of the other kids in her grade had moms and she didn't. She had asked her dad about it later. Stephen dodged the question until he could avoid the subject no longer. He told Gwen about her mother, how they had gotten together, how they ended up splitting, and how she died in childbirth. Gwen had been ten years old at the time.
At first, Gwen just thought of it as a tragic accident, which it was. But then, two years later, at her nanny, Flora's funeral, Gwen started to think that it was her own fault that her mother was dead. After all, the reason she had died was because she had given birth to Gwen. Had Gwen never existed, her mother would still be around. And maybe her dad would be more happy. Maybe they could've gotten back together. Maybe he could've saved her when she gave birth to another child. One that wouldn't kill its mother.
No wonder her dad looked so sad when he saw her. Not only was her appearance a reminder of the woman he loved, but her entire existence was the reason she had died.
Gwen threw an angry punch at the bag, not paying much attention, and she felt her wrist bend painfully. She cursed to herself and grabbed her wrist, holding it close to her chest. She tried flexing it, which hurt, making her swear again.
"Language." She looked up to see Steve Rogers standing by the door, leaning on the door frame. "I'm surprised to see you training on your own, so willingly. But clearly we shouldn't let you down here unsupervised." Gwen did not laugh at his little joke. Steve's awkward smile dropped. He approached her cautiously, not wanting to anger her further. "Are you ok?"
"I think I sprained my wrist," she muttered, not looking up at him. She was still pissed off about last night. She was sure he was here to try and make up for last night, but she didn't want to hear it. She already had enough shit to deal with.
"Let me see," he replied. Reluctantly, Gwen let him examine her wrist. She winced a bit when he touched it. The simple gesture almost brought her over the edge. What with her anger at the Avengers, the sadness for the loss of her mother, the pain from her wrist, and the guilt of what she had said the night before both to her father and Paige… She was almost at the end of her rope. Steve nodded. "I think it's sprained and not broke. We should call your father, just to be sure."
"No!" she snapped sharply. Steve looked at her in surprise. Gwen stared at the ground. "He probably still hates me after last night. I can deal with it myself."
Steve shook his head slowly. "Your dad doesn't hate you, Gwen," he assured her. Gwen snorted softly, not moving her gaze away from the ground. "Why would you think that?"
Gwen felt her eyes fill up with tears. She blinked furiously, trying to quell her emotions. She hated how weak she was appearing to Steve right at that second. He probably thought she was just some ridiculous teenage girl with teenage problems.
Steve noticed a few tears slip down the girls cheeks. He was shocked at the sight. Gwen was normally so composed. She hardly ever let her feelings be seen. He hesitated at first, unsure, but then reached out and took her uninsured hand in his. With his other hand, he tilted her head so that she was facing him. "What's going on?" he asked gently.
Gwen sniffed and tried her hardest to keep her voice under control. "I think I took it too far last night," she admitted. "Dad's always been there for me and I shouldn't have gotten worked up like that. But now I'm sure he's so angry at me. And then given what I did…" She stopped, deciding that Steve didn't need to hear about her mom. "He hates me now. I know he does."
The captain looked at her sympathetically. "Your dad doesn't hate you," he assured her again. "Everyone fights with their parents, especially as they get older. Your dad probably fought with his dad too. He gets it. That doesn't mean he hates you now. Maybe he's a bit frustrated, but he's only frustrated because he loves you. He cares about you so much and he wishes he could get you to see that that is exactly why he's doing what he's doing. He only wants what's best for you."
The girl said nothing, but she nodded slowly. Steve was probably right. She was just being dramatic. "You're right," she sighed. She sniffed again and wiped her nose. "I'm just being dramatic. I'll get over it."
"I don't think you're being dramatic," Steve replied, shaking his head. "I think you're being a normal young adult. Heaven knows I did stupid things when I was your age."
"Yeah? Like what?"
"Like lying on enlistment papers to join the army," he responded with a smile. "And if my mom had been alive, she would've been just as angry with me."
"What happened to your mom?" she asked curiously. Steve hadn't talked much about his past with her. Just a few obscure comments here and there.
"She died when I was a kid. Around fourteen," he responded. "She got sick and couldn't beat it."
"I'm sorry."
He shrugged away her apology. "Can I ask you something?" Gwen nodded. "What happened to your mom? Stephen's never mentioned her."
Gwen dropped her gaze again. Her voice was shaky when she said, "Uh, she died when I was born. In childbirth."
Steve nodded solemnly, knowing exactly how she felt. He had lost his father before he was born as well. As a kid, he had often wondered how different his life might've been had he lived. Of course, he still missed his dad, but he had found peace. In Bucky, in Peggy, in his mother. Gwen needed to do the same thing.
"I know how that feels," said Steve. "I lost my dad before I was born, too. I used to blame myself for it. As if I could have done something! I was only a baby. Still, it's something people do to try and cope with the loss. It's the stages of grief, as Bruce told me. It takes time, but it gets better after a while. I promise."
Gwen wiped at her eyes once more, wiping away any leftover tears. "Thank you, Steve," she said softly. "We can call my dad. That would be fine."
"Good." Steve nodded. "I bet you two have a lot to talk about. I'll go give him a call real quick." She nodded back, watching as he went to go make the call. Steve stopped at the door. "Oh, and Gwen?" She looked up. "We took what you said last night seriously. While we still think it was dangerous and reckless of you to let Loki and Paige leave like that without telling anyone, you have a point. Paige isn't a prisoner here and neither are you. And it may be good for Loki to get out every once in a while. We're going to work out a system where you can leave the tower occasionally." Gwen nodded again, the corners of her mouth tipping up. At least some good had come from her argument with the others.
She didn't move from her spot for the next ten minutes. After that time, she saw her father walk in through the door. There was an awkward silence for a bit, then Stephen cleared his throat. "Steve says you sprained your wrist?"
She nodded awkwardly. "I think so. It doesn't feel broken to me, so I hope it's just sprained."
He moved to sit beside her, taking her wrist and gently feeling it, quickly determining that it wasn't broken. "Dad?" Gwen said in a small voice. "I'm really sorry about yesterday. I lost my temper and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have."
"It's ok, Gwen," he replied. "You were right, in a way. You are an adult and I should be letting you do your own thing. I need to let you live your own life and not my life. I'm sorry." He looked at his daughter tentatively. "We can move past this now, right?"
She nodded, biting her lip to stop it from quivering. He opened his arms and they embraced tightly. They stayed like this for a while, until they felt that they had properly moved past the night before.
Stephen then went into doctor mode. He broke away and went back to her wrist. "It's definitely sprained. We'll go ice it and you can take some ibuprofen. And you better not be punching the bags again for at least a week."
"Oh, good," she breathed, realizing that this meant that she no longer had to do training with Steve and Nat this week. Stephen chuckled a bit and helped her to her feet. He placed an arm around her shoulder to take her upstairs.
Clara's fingers drummed nervously against her thigh as she waited for Steve to bring her daughter to her. This would be the first time they had seen each other as mother and daughter for nearly nineteen years.
Clara felt overwhelmed. The emotions welled up inside her, threatening to burst like a balloon that had too much air. There was excitement, of course, but it was overshadowed by the nervousness. Paige had been raised in a world none of them could understand. Clara was sure that Hydra had taught her to hate the idea of love and family. What if Paige hated her? What if she didn't want to see her?
And on and on the worries went.
"Relax, Anderson," Clara whispered to herself, inhaling deeply. It was important, now more than ever, that she kept her emotions under control as best as she could. She didn't want to scare Paige off. "You can do this. Just take it slow. Take it easy."
She closed her eyes and offered a quick prayer for luck and when she opened her eyes, the doors to the elevators opened, revealing Steve and Paige, standing just behind him.
Clara stood from the couch and resisted the urge to run to her daughter; to scoop her up in her arms and hug her. She never wanted to let her go again. Tears threatened to spill over, but Clara held it back.
Steve was smiling. "Well, here she is. Paige," he ushered the girl forward, "this is Clara Anderson. You're mother. Clara… well, you know who this is."
Clara nodded in response, not trusting her voice at that moment. She coughed to clear her throat and smiled warmly at Paige.
"I'll leave you two alone then," said the super soldier, making his way back to the elevator. Of course, they weren't technically alone. Tony, Natasha, and Maria all were on standby, watching, just in case something went wrong.
No, Clara thought. Nothings going to happen. This is the moment I've been waiting for for nineteen years. I won't let it be spoiled.
"Hello, Paige," she said gently. "I'm your mother. I… it's so good to see you again." Paige nodded. She kept her distance, looking cautious and unsure. "You've grown into such a beautiful woman, Paige. I do wish I could've been there for it. I wish I could've done more to protect you. You have no idea how much my mistakes have haunted me these past years. If I could go back in time and change it, I would do it in a heartbeat."
Again, the blonde nodded. Paige wanted to say something back, but she was overwhelmed. She'd never had a mother before and she didn't know how to talk to one. Nor did she know how to talk to someone who was so kind and loving. Gwen and Steve were nice, but not like this. Clara was far more caring than even them.
"I tried so hard to save you from that place before," Clara continued desperately. She needed Paige to know that she had never given up on her. "I searched for years. I refused to rest until I found you. I joined SHIELD because I knew they were my best chance of finding you." It was getting harder to stop the tears now and a few slipped down her cheeks. "I missed you so much. You have no idea."
She wiped away the tears, hoping that this show of affection wouldn't scare away Paige. But then she got a clear look at Paige. She had tears running down her face as well.
No one had cared this much about Paige. Not even Winter, who had been her only friend in that Hydra base. The idea that someone had done so much for her caused her to break. She didn't bother to hide the fact that she was crying.
"I'm so sorry, Paige," Clara continued. "I hope you know that I love you so much. And I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ok?"
Paige nodded again, pursing her lips. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice cracking.
Impulsively, Clara reached out and pulled her into an embrace. Paige was shocked and she hesitated for a minute before she returned her embrace. Paige has no memory of ever being hugged like this. As though by someone who loved her more than anyone in the world. She squeezed her eyes shut and held onto her mother for as long as she possibly could.
It had been a stressful day for just about everyone in the tower. Specifically for Clara, Paige, and Gwen.
Gwen's way of dealing with stress was to eat away her feelings while listening to music loudly and trying not to think. So, when Gwen couldn't sleep that night, she decided that that was exactly what she would do.
She got out of bed and grabbed her iPod shuffle and earbuds. The Beatles blasted in her ear as she went to search for her favorite comfort foods: Dr. Pepper and chocolate.
She had one bottle of Dr. Pepper in her fridge, which she snatched up gratefully. Unfortunately, she couldn't find any chocolate anywhere in her kitchen. She probably ate it all when she was suffering from cramps last month.
Grumbling slightly, she quietly went for the elevator to see if she could find some in the kitchen upstairs. Tony was bound to keep some there. And even if it wasn't chocolate, he had to have something good there.
The moment she stepped off the elevator and into the penthouse, the most wonderful scent filled her nose. She inhaled deeply and sighed. It had to be cookies. Most likely chocolate chip cookies.
Excellent, she thought to herself. Maybe whoever had made them had left them out for everybody to have.
The light in the kitchen was on and Gwen caught a glimpse of red hair. It was Anderson. She was standing over the oven, humming to herself.
Gwen debated whether or not she should ask permission. The cookies were right there and Anderson would likely never even know one was missing. She started to make her way to the counter.
Clara turned around, having heard the music from her headphones (Gwen always listened to her music at top volume). Gwen froze. Clara couldn't help but smile. She really did look so much like Jessie. "How're you, Gwen?"
Gwen pulled out one earbud and shrugged. "Fine, I guess. What are you doing up?"
"I stress bake," Clara replied. "Today was a lot for me. Gotta relieve it all somehow. Plus, I was craving cookies."
Gwen couldn't think of how to reply, so she just nodded. Clara noticed her gaze and smiled again. "Do you want some?" she offered.
Gwen nodded right away. Clara nodded to the cookies. "Go ahead. I've made way too many for just myself."
Eagerly, Gwen pulled up a barstool and began to devour the fresh plate of warm cookies. They were soft and the chocolate was still melted. Perfect. While she ate, Gwen watched Clara bake. She couldn't help but think that she looked vaguely familiar. Like she had seen her before. Before she had even moved into the tower. Most of the time, when Gwen knew someone, it was either from work or school. She didn't think it was either of those, but it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Have we met?" Gwen asked around a mouthful of food.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," lectured Clara. Gwen rolled her eyes and closed her mouth, chewing then swallowing. Despite her physical appearance, Clara couldn't help but be reminded of Stephen now. Once she had finished, Clara nodded. "Yes, but that was so long ago and only for a bit. You wouldn't remember it."
"If I wouldn't remember it, how would I recognize you?" retorted Gwen. But then, it suddenly clicked in her head. She saw her mother's handwriting swim before her in her mind's eye and a picture of Jessie with a redheaded girl. "Your first name… is it Clara?"
Clara nodded again.
Now it all made sense. Clara had been her mother's best friend in college. Gwen had seen pictures of her in Jessie's photo album that she had inherited. They must've met when Gwen was a baby, and that was why Gwen wouldn't remember it.
If Gwen hadn't known what to say before, she certainly didn't know what to say now. What did one say to their dead mother's best friend?
She wanted to ask her questions. She wanted to ask about her mother. But instead, all that came out was "Oh."
Very profound, Strange, Gwen cursed herself in her mind.
Clara laughed a little. She was definitely Stephen's daughter, alright. They were both terrible at holding conversations like this. Clara was just hopeful that Gwen didn't learn to hate her from her father. So far she seemed fine, but… "Yep. Jessie and I were good friends in college. You look a lot like her, you know."
"I get that a lot," Gwen replied with a nod. "So… I should probably get back to bed or whatever." Again, Gwen cursed herself. Normally she was much smoother. Why did she have to lose the ability to speak? Why now?
"Probably," Clara agreed. It was past midnight now, and Gwen had a job to do. The agent nodded to Gwen's hand. "How's your wrist?"
Gwen lifted it a bit and shrugged. "Fine. I drown the pain in Dr. Pepper." She took a swig to prove her point.
"Jessie did the same thing," Clara told her. "You would have thought that she ate nothing, given how small she was, but she ate like a pig. I lost half my baked goods to her."
This brought a smile to Gwen's face. While she knew she looked just like her mother, she got told how she was just like her father by just about everyone. They had the same speech patterns, they said similar things, they thought the same way. So it was nice to hear how she had inherited at least one thing from her mother. Even if it was just her appetite.
"She was smart enough to lay off the Dr. Pepper when she was pregnant, but looking at you, it didn't seem to matter. You got addicted anyway." Clara glanced at the drink. "I'll let you get to bed. Feel free to take more cookies if you want them."
"Thanks," Gwen muttered, scooping a few into her arms and sticking one more in her mouth. "'Ood nigh'," Gwen said around the food.
Clara shook her head at the girl's manners. "Oh, Gwen?" Gwen stopped and turned back to face her. "I just hope you know that you can come and talk to me about your mother anytime. I've got plenty of stories for you. And I'd love to get to know you more."
Gwen nodded awkwardly. She did want to ask more questions, but she just wasn't sure how to react to this lady. Maybe she would ask her dad about it. Maybe he remembered Clara. He didn't really seem to acknowledge her when they confronted Gwen, Paige, and Loki in the mall. "Thanks," Gwen said again, giving Anderson one more nod before returning to the elevator again.
Clara watched her goddaughter disappear yet again with some sadness. She would have to tell her at some point, but it didn't seem like the right time; in the kitchen in the middle of the night, right after they had first officially met. Gwen needed time to adjust first. She returned to baking, her thoughts now turned to Jessie and the memories she would be able to tell Gwen.