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[Bridge of the Satellite of Love]
[Joel stands in front of the counter, a spotlight shines on him]
JOEL: (clears throat) And now, the crew of the Satellite of Love proudly presents, a poetry reading by Tom Servo.
[Joel steps to the side allowing Tom to hover into the spotlight]
TOM: Thank you, Joel. *Ahem*. A poem…
"How I wish to run free,
to see the green grass,
the flowers,
the blue skies,
and smell the fresh air of Earth.
Alas, I cannot.
Damn the evil scientist.
Damn the evil scientist."
[Tom bows in response to applause from Joel and Crow who are standing in the background].
TOM: Thank you. Thank you. Now, I would like to present my compatriot, Crow T. Robot.
[Moving out of the spotlight, Tom goes to stand beside Joel as Crow takes his place]
CROW: Uh, a poem…
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When we get down from here,
Dr. Forrester, you're through!"
Well guys? What did you think?
[Tom and Joel look at each other]
JOEL & TOM: Ehhhh...
CROW: Oh, come on! I put my heart and soul into that poem!
TOM: Yeah, for all of thirty seconds.
CROW: As if yours was any better, Bubblebrain.
TOM: Why you...
[Before the two bots can start a full argument, Joel gets in between them.]
JOEL: Cool it, fellas. We still have my poem to read. Do you want to hear it or not?
[Silence]
BOTS: (subdued) Okay.
[Unrolling a piece of paper, Joel strikes a pose.]
JOEL:
"Every night,
I sit and stare out.
I see the stars,
I see the planets,
and I see my former home
Turning slowly beneath me.
I remember a life
that I once had.
And know that it is no more,
For this vacuum is now my home,
and my creations are my family.
And as I think of all these things,
I wonder "how much longer?"
Will I win or will I lose?
All I know is that I must
struggle onwards,
facing the challenges.
And annoying the mad scientist
until one of us can fight no more."
TOM: *low whistle* Saaaay, that's pretty deep, Joel. I liked it. Let's frame it and hang it on the wall for encouragement.
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts.]
JOEL: LOOKS LIKE WE'LL NEED THAT ENCOURGEMENT RIGHT NOW! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[JOEL slams a random button]
[We cut to the opening door sequence]
[6][5][4][3][2][1]
[Inside the theatre]
[Joel carries Tom to his seat on the left, while Crow sits to Joel's right]
CROW: Hey, I just thought of another poem, "There once was a man from Kentucky- ".
JOEL [places hand on Crow's shoulder]: I think that's enough poetry for one day.
Author's Notes and Thanks:
I figure I had better get this in before the story, and before I have
angry mobs hunting me down.
I have spent a few long hours over this chapter with my cookies and
milk, agonizing over whether I should do this or not.
TOM: Nah. Keep writing. It keeps worse writers like Dr. Thinker and Chris Cadwell at bay.
And then once I did decide I would, how I should write it so that it
would have the greatest impact without killing people.
JOEL: Unless they have a sudden coronary while reading any of this.
It's a good thing my mom buys lots of Kleenex, because I went through
a fair bit writing and editing this.
TOM: Hey, look! Editing!
ALL: (in awe) OOOHH!
CROW: We've never seen editing before.
I even took out some of the worst parts, because it will be bad enough
in a few chapters.
CROW: Sidestepping an Oscarish or American Kitsune moment or two.
In a way, I am enjoying writing this FanFic,
JOEL: Just as, in a way, we haven't totally minded reading this.
TOM: (sighs) I guess things could be worse.
but I also have become very attached to various characters. So while
this was very hard, it will be both fulfilling and horrifying to write the
next few chapters. I do hope people can forgive me for the next few
chapters I am about to write.
ALL: Don't worry, we won't!
I owe a great deal of thanks to many different people. Some have
contributed a little more, and some a little less. But all of the ones I
mention have been instrumental in this narrative.
TOM: Some played the violin, some played the cello…
While I do try to mention everyone, I have a lousy memory, so please
do not be offended if you have helped me and I do not mention you.
CROW: Well, you could always mention us next time.
MUSH TIME!
ALL: (as Jim Carey) YUMMY!
First and foremost, Dan, my brother who introduced me to Sailor Moon,
TOM: Fanboy.
the SIG, PMS,
CROW: Dead man.
and even FanFic writing.
ALL: Really dead man.
He has been kind enough to let me use his computer for hours on end at
times, and he has even looked after Jesse every now and then so I could
work.
JOEL: Jesse?
Secondly: Katherine, thanks for letting me look after Michiru while you
were gone.
TOM: And Haruka, for not killing me in a jealous rage.
The trust you put in me sorta gave me an idea
JOEL: (as Sandra) That I could be a fanfic writer.
the responsibilities some of the characters might have. You put up with
any screw-ups I may have made, and shared with me the life of someone you
care for.
Angie: The second OSMC member I met,
TOM: Oh, I know that one! Ottawa Sailor Moon Club!
the first CURE
CROW: Chibi Usa is Really Evil.
and PMS member.
JOEL: Know that one. Psychotic Mamoru Supporters.
BOTS: (stunned) Flee in terror!
: You are invaluable as the PPA,
CROW: Plastic, Pliable Ami?
JOEL: Crow…
and as such, have given me a few ideas. Again, you trusted me with your
charges while you were away.
JOEL: All 120 volts of them.
It was interesting to have so many characters here at once. (To say the
least.) Again, you put up with any mistakes I made, even after seeing
TOM: What my twisted mind can come up with.
any I may have made with Michiru. (Did I make any Katherine?) You
also showed me that STTNG and SM are not mutually exclusive.
ALL: WHAT!
CROW: (whimpering) No more Riker!
Mark: Thanks for setting up the SIG,
CROW: Silly Intergalactic Game, which is sort of like Calvinball.
without which, my life would be a whole lot more boring. Saner perhaps,
but definitely more boring! :)
TOM: Instead, we get both the boredom and the insanity.
Scott: You were the first OSMC member I met. And, you gave me a
copy of the soundtrack! From which I have received many hours of
listening pleasure. (THANK YOU, THANK YOU!)
TOM: Note to Sandra: Cut back on the Chocolate Thunder.
I'm going to have to arrange to get a blank tape to you somehow in
return for the one you gave me.
JOEL: She got a tape of Serena's brainwaves?
I've also had fun trading insults with you - keeps me sharp for school.
;)
CROW: Uh, no. I don't want to know.
You also proved to me that you can be old or young and still enjoy SM.
CROW: That, on the other hand, was just too easy.
JOEL: Good Crow.
Andrea: You made me a member of PMS without even meeting me,
which shows a lot of faith.
JOEL: Well, PMS is kind of universal for women.
CROW: Joel!
JOEL: What, can't I say something off-color every now and then?
I hope you manage to keep it through the years. And of course, using
the MTMD,
TOM: Mega Tuxedo Mask Dice?
you made me not only HSAR, but also PYCK-SWO. Thanks!
HAH! Thought I'd forget you Greg? Think again!
CROW: (as Greg) Darn!
You're the one who's been commenting on this story from the very
beginning.
CROW: Yeah. I know Greg. He's the ultimate Sailor Mercury fanboy. He carries a Mercury doll in his shirt pocket.
You've been very forgiving for the things that have happened to Ami.
(Although I may be pushing it this time.)
TOM: What happened so far? So she got hit once. It's her fault for tangling with a self-insertion character.
Even though I know other people read FanFics, it's nice to get feedback
from at least one person. (Besides, you help keep my posting up. ;D)
All the members of PMS: Thanks for letting me join gals (and guys)
JOEL: Male PMS! It can happen to you!
even though you never really knew me. Somehow, somewhere (dramatic chord)
ALL: (singing) Condorman!
we _will_ get together so I can meet all of you.
TOM: I'll start putting out traps.
JOEL: What do you use for bait?
TOM: Tuxedo Kamen theme tracks.
Raye Hino: You've shared a room with me for a couple of months now,
and I have to say it's been quite the experience. You taught me a few
things about flame throwing, I have to admit. :)
CROW: Okay, now you're taking this Sailor Moon obsession a bit far.
So, I hope you have fun while you're with Angelina. (Behave!)
TOM: (imitates whip cracking)
CROW: I didn't know Raye went in for that kind of thing.
JOEL: Guys...
And in the meantime, I'll try to clean up my room.
JOEL: (Sandra) I haven't seen the carpet since Elvis died.
BOTS: Elvis is dead?
I think that's (mostly) everyone. If I missed you this round, I'll get
you the next one hopefully.
CROW: (Sandra) I'll reload and take better aim.
I'd better go get my flack jacket and find a good place to hide for after
posting this. (The story, not the notes and thanks.)
TOM: Hey, there's room up here to hide.
JOEL: Tom, no.
Thanks all and take care.
TTFN & TTYL
CROW: Uh, Tulip Trees Flying North?
JOEL: No, it's Tank Tops Yelling Loudly.
PYCK-SWO and HSAR of PMS
Sandra E. Hobbs
CHAPTER SIX
TOM: Jesus, how many chapters does this damn thing have?
*******ALL THE KING'S MEN*****
JOEL: Were snowed into their barracks.
Serena was tossing and turning.
CROW: Oh, Luna...tee-hee!
JOEL: CROW! [smacks Crow's head]
CROW: Thanks. I dunno what came over me...
Luna looked on with concern "She hasn't had a night like this since Darien
was brainwashed by the Negaverse.
CROW: Oh, really?
I wonder what's wrong?" she said softly to Artemis.
TOM: (as Artemis) Oh, it's just that time of month.
JOEL: OK, I officially call no more menstruation jokes.
TOM: Well, you started it!
JOEL: Yeah, well…
"I don't know, but I think it's an invitation to disaster." he quietly replied.
CROW: Dear disaster: Please be kind enough to attend this party in your honor on the Twenty-eighth of January, 1999.
JOEL: (Artemis) There'll be music and dancing there. Should we accept the invitation?
Darien walked into his apartment. Sighing, he bent to pick up his mail.
TOM: (as Darien) Oh, my aching back!
Moving over towards the wastepaper basket, he began to sort: "Junk, junk,
JOEL: A personal letter from the president of the U.S...
junk, bill, 'Occupant', cable subscription offer: No, I don't want to join
your neighbourhood Mr. Rogers,
ALL: Huh?
junk, bill, bill, flyer, invitation, junk..." he paused.
JOEL (Darien): "You May Have Already Won..." Hmmmmm.
TOM: Please note, no fanmail.
Scooping up the envelope he had discarded, he opened it and began to
read: Dear Sir: You are cordially invited to our 'Moonlight Gala' on the
night of...
JOEL: Beltane.
Escorts will be assigned... Please support our
charity... Black tie... (at that, Darien grinned; didn't he have
enough black ties?)
TOM: Enough to hang himself with.
CROW: Don't we wish.
JOEL: A little too dark fellas.
... Costumes can be found at...
JOEL: Your local theater.
RSVP at... Many Thanks... Look forward to seeing you.
Examining the envelope, Darien's eye was drawn
TOM: Really badly.
to the wax seal they had used on the envelope. For some reason, it
seemed familiar. Scrollwork, a flower, a crescent moon, a crystal...
ALL: BEEP BEEP BEEP!
JOEL: Warning! Incoming Plot Device! Take Cover!
"Oh well," he said to himself "I'll remember sometime."
TOM: Then came that sudden, tragic accident with the Weed Whacker.
CROW: (Darien) Who cares if it's an important plot point that I should try to remember now!
Taking the last piece of mail, Darien was puzzled.
CROW: (Darien) Hey, this seems to be brown paper!
An envelope with no return address, a flourishing scrip that he had
never seen before, and a scent of perfume?
JOEL: (Darien) Hmm...Eau de Sewer...
Intrigued, Darien slit the envelope open. Inside was a lovely piece
of stationary with only three words on it:
TOM: (Darien) "Duck and cover"?
CROW: (Darien) "Go hang yourself"?
JOEL: (Darien) "Rest in pieces"?
'Goodbye is forever.'
Sweeping the temple steps, Raye pondered the problems facing
the Scouts.
TOM: (as Raye) Okay...one plus two...carry the one...dammit, this is tough.
They had to protect Reenie, find out just who Selina really was, try to
protect Serena, figure out a way of helping both Serena and Darien, and
learn just what was making Serena act so strangely.
CROW: On top of that, none of them could win the new "Sailor V" game and they were all getting really P.O.'d!
JOEL: All in one twenty-two minute episode!
She closed her eyes and thought back to the images the fire had shown
them.
Ami was in computer class, working on a new program.
TOM: (as Ami) Now I can crash every computer on the planet from the comfort of my own home!
It would track tachyon emissions and alert the Scouts whenever one
occurred.
JOEL: And cook an egg in under a minute!
Her teacher looked over her shoulder and commented:
TOM: (as Teacher) Hey! Will you get back on those adult websites where you're supposed to be!
"That's an unusual sort of program you're writing Ami. Are you sure
it's not beyond your understanding?"
CROW: (Ami) Nope. I watch "Star Trek"!
JOEL: (Ami) Hey, nothing's beyond my understanding! I'm me!
"Oh, I'm fine Miss. My mother has given me a good grounding
TOM: For trying to date Darien on a school night.
CROW: Joel, your mother taught you how to track tachyon emissions, right?
JOEL: No, I'm afraid my education in that area was sorely lacking.
in the sciences. Besides, who knows when a program like this might
come in handy; we might be using this in ten years to direct time
traffic!" Her teacher smiled, patted her on the shoulder and
TOM: Went to call the loony bin.
hoped that dreams wouldn't come crashing down too quickly for her
favourite student.
JOEL: (Teacher) Darn kid knows more than I do! Time to retire.
CROW: The teacher wanted her to suffer the bitter pain of disillusionment after years of heartfelt belief!
"Bye Mom! See you tonight - I'll be late home today." Serena called
on her way out.
JOEL: (as Serena) ...or not at all! Probably not at all.
"Serena?! Why're you up so early? Are you sick?"
TOM: I think we'll be sick before she is.
Serena's mother stopped her. Putting her hand to Serena's forehead, she
said "No, you don't have a temperature."
CROW: (as mom) But what are these strange lumps?
Pulling away from her mother, Serena sighed "No, I'm fine. I just
woke up on time today - Gotta book it!"
ALL: Book it?
CROW: Sergeants, book her and take her away!
TOM: Sergeant Booker, Sergeant Takera Way, nice to see you.
JOEL: The Bad Joke sketch, ladies and gentlemen!
As Serena ran out the door, her mother waved absentmindedly
thinking: "She got up on time, she had breakfast, she took her lunch,
she told me she'd be late, she _cooked_ -
CROW: No one died.
what's the world coming to?"
ALL: The end?
TOM: You know, I hear the ambient temperature in Hell is 12 Kelvin right now...
JOEL: Was that P-Chan flying by the window just there?
"Serena?!" The class chorused as she handed in her report.
JOEL: (Serena) *Ahem* My report on this fanfic: PUT ME BACK IN CHARACTER! WAHHHHHH!
Not only had she arrived on time, but she was handing in homework
on time.
TOM: Okay, okay! It's very unusual! We get the point already!
The other Scouts looked at each other with concern.
JOEL: (as Scouts) Damn it, if she starts doing well in class, she'll make us look stupid!
Ms. Haruna decided that it might be time for early retirement after all
CROW: Or at least seppuku.
and was reading the report to make sure Serena had actually written it.
TOM: (as Haruna) Hey, wait! This is just the American Declaration of Independence with "United States" changed to "Japan"!
"Ami, you didn't write this did you? I mean, you at least showed
her where to get her information from, right?" Ms. Haruna asked with a
note of desperation creeping into her voice.
JOEL: (as Haruna, theatrically) "My world is coming down around me..."
"No, Ms. Haruna, I didn't." Ami replied quietly.
TOM: Oh, she's shocked beyond belief...Okay, we get the point ALREADY!
Darien walked into the shop.
CROW: Ready for some serious shoplifting.
Seeing the girl behind the counter, he placed the invitation on the
counter.
"I'm sorry," he said "but I won't be going to the Gala."
TOM: (Darien) It conflicts with the night I clean my toilet.
"Oh dear! Are you sure?" the girl asked.
ALL: (singing) Raise your hand if you're sure!
"Yes, I'm sure. By the way, I know my way around this neck of
the woods fairly well,
JOEL: (Darien) You don't know the way to Grandma's house, do you?
but I don't think I've ever seen you in this shop. You new here?"
JOEL: (as girl) Yeah, I just came in from the Nega...um, Kyoto!
TOM: (girl) No, I've always been working here. I just got plastic surgery, dyed my hair and shrunk three inches last night.
"Yes, I was just hired for this job.
TOM: (girl) Everyone's been really nice.
CROW: (Jim Carrey) Well, that's because you've got big-
[Joel quickly claps his beak shut]
But, to get the subject back on track, do you mind if I ask why
you're not going?" The girl queried.
JOEL: (Darien) Hey, I'd love to go, but I'm playing a heartless, spineless and cruel jerk right now.
Darien hesitated, why should he tell a perfect stranger?
TOM: 'Cause the author said so?
But on the other hand,
TOM: This was a Sailor Moon fanfic.
she wouldn't know about Serena, so she could give him and objective
viewpoint.
CROW: Huh? Oh, I see. 'An' objective viewpoint.
JOEL: The sure mark of a computer spellchecker.
' What the hell...' he figured 'I'm not going to be seeing her again..'
CROW: Of course you won't.
"Sure, I guess. Where do you want me to start?" he sighed.
JOEL: (girl) Well, start at the beginning, go through the middle and finish at the end; that usually works.
"The beginning is always a good place. Take your time, it's not
too busy right now." she smiled.
CROW: (girl) And I'm only paid for my looks and personality.
"Yes Wiseman? You did summon me, did you not?" Rubeus
JOEL: Creator of the Rubeuk's Cube.
appeared in front of a throne.
TOM: (as Wiseman) Yeah…scratch my back, will ya?
CROW: (Wiseman) Yeah...What's a seven letter word for a ghost?
From out of the shadows, a bony hand pointed at Rubeus and
punctuated what the creature had to say.
JOEL: Until it fell off with the sound of a dry twig snapping, that is.
TOM: Phonetic Punctuation. First created by Victor Borge, the great Danish comedian.
CROW: Insert favorite pastry or Great Dane joke here.
"It is imperative that we remove the threat presented by that 'Sailor
Moon'.
CROW: You've got no idea how much we agree with you on that count.
I want you to
JOEL: Please teach this DiC company a lesson in messing with Anime.
incapacitate her any way you can. It would be best that she lives, but
if need be, kill her!"
TOM: Just strangle her with her own ponytails.
"Of course. It shall be done."
ALL: (as John Candy in "Cool Runnings"): On Earth as it is in turn seven.
At that, a figure slowly rose up out of the floor.
CROW: Ah, the practice dummy has arrived.
Turning to look at the woman who had appeared, Rubeus smirked.
"Ah, my associate has arrived.
CROW: Close enough.
It would seem she has a plan..."
CROW: (as Rubeus) ...to deal with those meddling Senshi and their cats!
TOM: (as Blackadder) Does she?
JOEL: (as Baldrick) Yes, sir.
TOM: (Blackadder) A subtle and cunning one?
JOEL: (Baldrick) Yes, sir.
TOM: (Blackadder) As cunning as a fox just made "Professor of Cunning"at Oxford University?
JOEL :(Baldrick) Yes, sir.
TOM: (Blackadder) Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait.
"And you trust her?" The Creature snarled "After the four sisters,
I would not be too confident of your character evaluations."
CROW: Not to mention your income tax receipts.
As she opened her mouth to protest, Rubeus silenced her with
a gesture. "Rest assured, she is loyal to both me and you. We will
discuss her plan and then
TOM: Study her recommendations carefully before ignoring them.
CROW: And then blaming her when we fail miserably, of course.
TOM: Of course.
contact our operative on earth. Rest assured, nothing will go wrong
this time, we will have the rabbit!"
JOEL: Then it's good luck charms for everybody!
TOM: (Rebeus) Or my name isn't Charlie Snodgrass!
Retreating once more into the shadows, the Wiseman chuckled.
He already had an inkling of what this girl's plan was. He was
looking forward to
CROW: Watching the last episode of Seinfeld?
his revenge...
TOM: Oh, who cares?
As Darien was talking, a second girl came out of the back room.
ALL: The plot thickens!
"There's a call for you, why don't you go on back and I'll join you
in a moment.
CROW: (Darien) You mean my lederhosen is in?
You will excuse us won't you?" she added to Darien.
"Of course. I don't mind waiting." he replied with a smile.
JOEL: (Darien) But if it's the local mental hospital, I'm not here.
TOM: Look! He has a whole three teeth!
The first girl slipped into the back with a smile. The other girl turned
to him and said
JOEL: ...with a smile?
CROW: (girl) Would you care to join us in our "conference call"?
"We won't be long. Are you here to get a new tuxedo?"
TOM: (Darien) Yeah, but can you make it stainless steel this time?
Standing there, she and Darien talked for a few minutes more before
she too went into the back room. Darien busied himself for a few minutes
JOEL: Trying on dresses.
until the first girl came back out and they continued their conversation.
CROW: ...and the point of this interlude was?
Walking past the shop, Serena looked in and started to silently seethe.
TOM: (Serena) How dare Baskin Robbins bar me from their store! Just because I wanted all thirty-one flavors in one big scoop!
"How dare he go in there and talk to another girl?" She muttered "Even
if Darien dumped me, he has no right talking to another girl like that!"
JOEL: Hey, why not?
She silently admitted that the girl with her long black hair was attractive.
CROW: (Serena) Hey, if he can "talk" to other girls then so can I!
"But he still shouldn't be talking so seriously with her.
TOM: Even if it is about sorting your whites and colors.
And he's looking at her with the sort of look her used to use when he was
talking with me!
CROW: (Darien) So...wanna go to the back and check how sturdy the cot is?
JOEL: Crow!
And she might not even work there!" Furious, Serena
stalked away with her head held up high, dashing away the tears the
threatened to fill her eyes.
ALL: (singing) Dashing through the tears, with contacts in your eyes…
"Lk'roug, Milord, Milady.
TOM: Miles, Milton, Mildew, Milkman…
How may I be of assistance?" The young woman with red hair inquired.
JOEL: Ranma-chan?
CROW: Geena Davis?
TOM: Lina? I mean, the real one?
"We are becoming concerned about the Sailor Moon situation.
TOM: (as voices): Please, take a chainsaw and run amok at DiC headquarters.
CROW: Naaah, pay DiC a lot of money to make more!
JOEL: Well, that'll certainly help the cause of evil.
We believe we have a way to remedy that." The woman on the screen
replied.
As the two young women looked up,
JOEL: Confused yet?
TOM: Well, we've got a woman with red hair, a woman on the screen, and two young women.
CROW: The Generic Character Auction is now open!
the man on screen nodded to the one with black hair. "Yes," he
elaborated, "We will need both of you. We think the best way to resolve
this, is to keep her alive."
CROW: ...and in great pain.
TOM: Although she must remain a drooling vegetable.
CROW: Just like she was at the beginning of chapter 1.
"That was not the original plan!" The woman with red hair objected.
TOM: (as red head, whiny voice) Yeah, I wanted to kill her!
"Yes, but I believe the plan I've come up with will succeed." the
woman on screen replied.
"What is your plan, Milady?" The two women asked.
JOEL: FOR GOD'S SAKE, GIVE THEM SOME NAMES, WILL YOU?!
CROW: (as Milady) Well, first we go rob the First National Bank, then you go and get a pair of scissors and then...
TOM: And then?
CROW: I dunno, I was making it up as I went along.
"It is quite simple, we arrange for the Scouts and Tuxedo Mask to
be all in one spot, and then we kill all of them but her.
JOEL: Oh, they're gonna fund Nav!
TOM: Are they going to sell tickets?
The death of her friends and her loved one should do the trick."
CROW: And then we bid seven no-trump on the next hand.
"That is likely to render anyone insensible with grief. It would
incapacitate even the strongest of warriors." The red-head stated.
CROW: (red head) Or else it could make them want to tear our lungs out.
JOEL: It's what created most of the comic-book heroes, after all.
The two characters on screen smiled. "Indeed it would." The
man answered. "Indeed it would. Now, for the details..."
JOEL: (as man): Ummm...You can think of them!
TOM: The eyes go here, the nose just below them…
"Nooooooo!" The silent scream echoed
TOM: Ah, another inhabitant of the realm of the open-handed punch!
as he saw his beloved struck down. Rushing over, he saw her starting to
dissolve into shimmering sparkles. Picking her up gently, he cradled her
head in his arm.
CROW: The rest of her flopped lifelessly to the ground.
"Please, hold on... don't leave me!" he gasped.
TOM: (as Luke Skywalker) Don't leave me, father!
The woman he loved looked up at him, not seeming to notice that she
was fading into nothingness in a prolonged, agonizing way.
TOM: Well, if it's prolonged and agonizing, you'd have to notice, wouldn't you?
CROW: Maybe she was blissed out on fifty different drugs.
She smiled and spoke softly: "Remember, you make your own destiny, as
do I. So, we will see each other in a little while."
JOEL: Awwww, how romantic. Can someone just put her out of our misery already?
Reaching up to caress his face,
TOM: Her muscles twitched, ripping his nose off.
JOEL & CROW: Ouch.
one tear slipped down her cheek. As he held her closer, hoping to give
her enough of his own energy to keep her from dying, she faded away
completely.
TOM: Ah well, scratch one insipid romance.
Her one tear fell to the floor and mixed with his as he
screamed in mortal agony and denial.
JOEL: As he saw that someone had drunk all his beer, again.
Jolted awake,
ALL: *giggle*
CROW: Sandra's doing one of those "blatant plugs" without even knowing it.
TOM: I'm sorta surprised Samantha hasn't shown up yet, actually. She seems to get everywhere nowadays.
thoughts ran as fast as quicksilver through his mind. It was not that often he
had a dream so vivid.
JOEL: Only after those triple anchovy pizzas.
Greg knew it meant something, but he hoped he was wrong as to what it
was.
For if he was right, Sailor Mercury, better known as Ami was going to die
soon.
TOM: Wouldn't that be a pity?
CROW: Known as "Ami was going to die soon". There's a bad last name for you.
JOEL: Hi, I'm Joel "Is gonna hurl soon", what's your name?
He sat up thinking "I'm wrong... she won't die."
TOM: But, then again, anything can happen in Self-Insertion Land.
But he had never been wrong before...
CROW: Oh, look. Blatant foreshadowing.
END OF CHAPTER SIX
This chapter has probably taken the longest to write. It's a neat chapter,
JOEL: As opposed to a messy one.
and I thought it would be fun to see what Lita's apartment looked like.
It will be showing up. It has also been one of the more interesting
chapters to write, Dan and I having nicknamed it Steamy Seven'.:)
CROW: There's a killer fanfic title if I ever heard one.
Greg has read some of it, but I even changed some of what he read.
TOM: Yeah, like that dream he had where Ami dies.
By being specifically vague when describing it to him, I was able to bring
him to his knees. Some of you who were at the only CA I've been to might
remember that.
(It was FUN!) Some might look at the end of the chapter as being a sign
that all is better, and that they make up. Unfortunately, don't be too
sure.
JOEL: The cows are not what they seem.
You might have some fun keeping track of seals and chapter titles for
future reference, as I'm going to have guessing games with them at some
point.
TOM: Cool. Can we win prizes?
CROW: Just so long as they give out a way down from this damned place.
I also would kind of like to hear about what you guys think the ideal
escort for Mina would be. (I have everyone's except hers figured out.)
There's going to be a bit of a surprise with the escorts, as there will
CROW: Huh? Uh-oh. Looks like someone unplugged Sandra's computer.
TOM: And how is that a bad thing?
TTFN&TTYL,
PYCK-SWO and HSAR of PMS,
Sandra E. Hobbs
CROW: D'oh! Still alive!
CHAPTER SEVEN
*****WHO DO YOU SERVE?******
JOEL: We serve the Almighty Snowflake!
Lita whirled through
CROW: The wind tunnel, screaming her head off.
her martial arts exercises. She found they helped focus herself when
she was troubled. And right now,
ALL: ...she was troubled.
she was troubled.
ALL: Nope, didn't see that coming.
Some of the
disjointed images from Raye's fire reading flashed through her mind
as she remembered that afternoon.
O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOM: What the heck is that squiggly thing? Kind of looks like a snake that's been hit by a steamroller.
CROW: An electric fence maybe?
"It's not your fault you couldn't track her Ami." Mina soothed,
CROW: But don't worry, we'll yell at you and blame you for it anyway!
JOEL: "Her" Ami? What, does each villain have their own complement of Sailor Scouts?
"She was using too many portals for us to track all of them. After all,
once she reached Ottawa,
TOM: The hot air from Parliament Hill hit the cold front off the Ottawa River and we lost her in the fog.
it's not like we could just hop a plane to continue following her."
CROW: Sure, just say, "Hi, we're saving the World. Can you drop us off to Canada?"
TOM: ...and then get locked up in a mental institute.
JOEL: Wouldn't work. Not with all the cutbacks at Canadian Airlines.
"I know, I just can't help feeling like I've failed both Serena and
Reenie." Ami sighed.
"There was no way you could have foreseen such a contingency Ami.
Nothing would have changed what happened." Lita chipped in.
TOM: (Ami) Hey, I'm trying to angst here! Stop trying to cheer me up!
"If I had guarded her well, Selina would never have escaped! For
that I must take responsibility."
JOEL: (as Luna) Okay, if you insist.
"Ami, you're being too hard on yourself. You aren't God, you know?"
Lita continued.
TOM: No, Selina is!
"True, but Raye's reading was more of a help than my computer.
I couldn't even begin to analyse them!"
CROW: (Ami) I'm so inadequate!
JOEL: Hey, your fault for using an Atari.
The other girls sighed. Ami took things so seriously anyway, that
whenever something like this happened, she wound up
TOM: Tighter than a spandex outfit in the musical CATS.
often as not blaming herself.
O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CROW: And as you can see, the garter snakes have started to spawn…
As she thought about some of the images from the fire, Lita whirled
even faster through her routine.
ALL: (singing) Dizzy, dizzy...
As she saw the final image, she kicked the workout bag so hard that it
burst.
TOM: Superballs went bouncing everywhere.
JOEL: She must have seen her old boyfriend.
She wasn't going to let them kill her first real friend, Serena.
JOEL: Unless they paid her well, anyway.
CROW: But no one could take away her imaginary friends.
"So, you see, she's mad at me
JOEL: I took the last jelly doughnut.
- and has every reason to be so - but I have to do this. If I don't,
she'll die; as it is, I have to hurt her."
TOM: Lending more credence to the Dominatrix Raye theory.
Darien finished his explanation of why he wasn't going to the Gala.
CROW: Oh, we already know the reason for that. It's 'cause he's a pathetic, spineless drip.
Even though one of the last things he needed was another tuxedo, they
were measuring him for it anyway.
CROW: The redhead was taking a long time with his waist and inside leg. And what was that pinching?
"What do you think I should do?" he asked the red-head next to him.
TOM: (red-head) Well, I have some pills here that should help you.
"I wouldn't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do," she said
thoughtfully. "But
CROW: (red-head) ...I'll do it anyway!
maybe you should ask yourself a few questions: Do you really love her?"
she started
JOEL: (Darien) Well...is the sky fluorescent green?
"With all my heart!" Darien burst out.
TOM: All over the room.
"That's good, here are the others: How much do you
JOEL: (red-head) ...think you should have to pay so I keep this from her?
trust this dream?" Darien smiled wryly;
TOM: (Darien) Well, I'm still waiting for that dream about Mina and I to come true.
if she knew how much his earlier dreams had meant, she wouldn't ask. But
of course, he had left out anything relating to the Scouts.
CROW: ...except their real identities and complete life stories.
"Can you live so long without her?" No!' thought Darien, I can't!'
TOM: Whoops. Better tighten up those thoughts. They're pretty weak.
JOEL: Well, so is Darien's brain without Serena.
TOM: True.
CROW: Maybe it was that last clonk with the shoes that did it.
TOM: (Darien) Yeah, I'll die without the sweet sound of her incessant whining!
"Can she live without you? In other words, which is more likely to
hurt her?
CROW: The sandpaper or the pneumatic drill?
The loss of the one man she ever truly loved, or some force that can be
defended against?"
The one man...' Darien repeated mentally.
JOEL: (Darien) She loved me? Damn, people should tell me these things!
"And what is it you aren't telling anyone about this?
CROW: (Darien) Well, there is my strange meatball fetish.
I know there are things you will naturally keep from a stranger, but must
you keep them from her - and yourself?"
TOM: (Darien) Yeah, of course. Otherwise, the subplot would be resolved too soon.
CROW: (ditto) Hell, yeah. After all, I'm an idiot.
Grimacing, Darien studied her face. But her green eyes revealed
nothing - just what did she know?
TOM: The exact numerical value of the square root of negative one?
JOEL: If she's been measuring you, the size of a lot of different things, it looks like.
CROW: (red-head) Jeez, that thing's small...hand me my microscope and tweezers, someone!
JOEL: Crow...
CROW: Hey, you started it!
As the woman rose from the floor,
JOEL: She cracked her head on the invisible glass ceiling.
the Wiseman spoke: "How go the battle plans? Any objections in the
change from your operatives?"
CROW: In other words, "do any of your goons have a problem with it", yes? Speaku Engrishu preasu.
TOM: (as woman) Well, they did complain about the change for the drink machines.
"They were surprised, but were too well trained to question their
orders." she replied
TOM: (woman) Besides, I've been thinking for them for so long that they've forgotten how to do it themselves!
CROW: (woman) As a reward, I patted them on the head and gave them each a biscuit.
"Let's hope their teacher remembers this as well." the Wiseman
returned sombrely. The woman's eyes flashed in anger.
JOEL: Wow, I wish I could do that...
"Have no fear." she practically spat out as she sank below the floor.
JOEL: Go to Hell, go directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
Storming home, Serena saw that the sky was changing to become
much like
TOM: The same color as it is in Sandra's world.
CROW: A new color every day!
her mood.
TOM: Oh, blatantly obvious symbolism, how fun.
Knowing she was a good forty minutes walk from home, she
hoped it wouldn't start raining before she made it. As though some force
was conspiring against her,
JOEL: SMIRC, maybe?
the skies opened up.
TOM: And the airplane's landing gear was the last thing she saw.
Within minutes Serena was soaking wet and miserable. Spotting a familiar
apartment building,
CROW: The one slated for demolition.
she dashed into the lobby and out of the rain.
CROW: ...right into the middle of Bloodbath 3!
TOM: If only...
Standing near the doors, looking out at the rain, she didn't notice
anyone approaching until they spoke.
JOEL: HeLlO. I aM tOrGo. I tAkE cArE oF tHe PlAcE wHiLe ThE mAsTeR iS aWaY.
CROW: Hey...you wanna see my earthworm collection?
"Come on dearie, I'll let you into the apartment. You might be able to
dry off some, and you can get something warm tucked into you."
TOM: (as woman) You can eat my gerbil!
Without waiting to hear her protests, the woman Serena recognized as
TOM: Granny a Go-Go.
[Joel and the Bots shudder]
the apartment super dragged her into the elevator.
TOM: (as clerk) Would you like to be shown to your room or be dragged kicking and screaming?
CROW: (as Ned Flanders) Oh, kicking and screaming, please!
JOEL: Alas! Poor Serena...*sniff* Ah well, what's for lunch?
"But, I can't just go in!" Serena pleaded.
TOM: What, is she a vampire?
CROW: That's an insult to vampires.
TOM: No, Serge is an insult to vampires.
JOEL: You realize only about three people will get that riff?
TOM: So?
"Nonsense dearie, I know your friend won't mind you drying off
while they're gone! I won't hear any more about it, you're going in and
warming up before you catch your death of cold." With this emphatic
statement, she drew up in front of the apartment door, unlocked it and
practically pushed Serena in.
CROW: ...then she locked it and got on the phone with Happosai.
"Now you make yourself at home dearie, and don't you dare sit around
in those wet clothes, take a hot shower!" and she closed the door.
TOM: That has got to be the world's nosiest super.
JOEL: Kind of reminds me of my grandmother.
Looking around, Serena quickly located the linen closet. I am alone,
and am likely to be so until after the storm, so I may as well.'
TOM: What, talk like an android?
Walking to the bathroom, she stripped of her wet clothes,
[Joel covers Bots' eyes]
CROW: Thanks. Not even I needed to see that.
leaving a sodden heap on the floor.
Draping the towel she'd filched from the linen closet over the rack, she
undid her hair and stepped into the shower.
ALL: (mimic the sound of screeching violins.)
Closing the frosted glass door behind her, she started the hot water
running. Within seconds the room had filled with steam
[Steam begins to fill the theatre]
JOEL: (wheezing) Boy, is it getting humid in here or what?
CROW: Joel? Where are you? Magic Voice!
MAGIC VOICE: Yes?
CROW: Tell Gypsy to turn on the fans in the theatre, please?
MAGIC VOICE: Sure thing.
[The fans start up and the room slowly clears]
ALL: Whew!
and she started feeling human again.
CROW: Until then, she'd been feeling vaguely like a Betelgeusian.
Reluctantly turning the water off, she stepped out and wrapped the
towel loosely around herself.
TOM: And entered the record books for the world's shortest shower.
Opening the bathroom door, she saw the hazy outlines of a man.
CROW: How could you tell?
JOEL: Crow!
CROW: What? It's a legit question!
Instinctively, dropping into a defensive stance, she confronted the
indistinct figure: "What are you doing here?"
JOEL: (Jim Carrey) Cable Guy!
Raging, the woman paced the floor. Abruptly whirling to face her
partner, she shouted,
JOEL: What do you mean you forgot the donuts?
"How dare he say such a thing! Why do you let him
get away with such things?"
"Who is it that you are serving?
TOM: Um, Haim Saban?
CROW: (as woman) Oh, some obsessive-compulsive guy played by Jack Nicholson!
Remember who you have pledged your allegiance to." Rubeus said quietly.
ALL: (reciting) I pledge allegiance to the Dominion of Canada...
CROW: "Hail Satan".
TOM: So, is that our mandatory Simpsons reference quota?
"I remember! Leave it alone will you?" she tossed over her shoulder as she
stormed out of the room.
JOEL: Tossed what over her shoulder? A hand grenade?
CROW: Probably the script.
"I remember the last storm like this." Raye stated
CROW: (Raye) It was all Jupiter's fault, with that stupid thunder of hers.
"You guys remember how Serena flipped?
TOM: (Ami) Yeah, it was a double backflip with a twist and a half.
It's a good thing she's not here."
"You'd tease her to death before she could die of fear, Raye."
CROW: (Raye) Yeah, well, you're ugly!
Mina countered "Where do you think she is now?"
JOEL: (Raye) In some guy's shower, probably. Lucky little...
"At home no doubt, with her parents." Ami replied.
CROW: Must...resist...making...sick and twisted...joke...
JOEL: Good Crow.
"Yeah! Hiding under her bed with the lights on hoping that
someone will come riding up and stop the storm for her." Raye
snorted ignoring the sighs everyone let out.
ALL: (take a deep breath)
CROW: (as Friendly announcer) Remember, kids! Punctuation is our friend!
As a flash of lightning lit up the room, the figure replied:
TOM: (as figure) I am the Phantom of the Apartment Building!
"I'm the one who should be asking you that. Who are you and
how did you get in here?"
CROW: And what have you been smoking in there?
TOM: (Darien) ...and why's the door hanging off its hinges?
CROW: (Darien) And what did you do to my underwear collection?
JOEL: Underwear collection?
CROW: It contains a priceless, vintage 1963 Fruit-of-the-Loom.
Recognizing the voice, Serena remembered where she was
and stepped back with a gasp - right out of the towel that had
barely been holding its place.
ALL: NOOOOOOO!
CROW: Agghh! I feel unclean...
TOM: Bad image, bad image, bad image...
JOEL: Ooooh, that'll haunt me...
"I, I was let in." she stammered. "I thought you'd be gone till the
storm was over." As the steam started to clear, she was able to
make out the surprised features of Darien.
CROW: Soon to be the "passed-out features" of Darien once the steam clears all the way.
TOM: Saaay, Sandra, thanks for keeping us in suspense for so long. I mean, it's not as though we had any chance to guess who that was, right?
"I'll leave now." she breathed as she started to brush past him.
CROW: While I'm still stark naked!
JOEL: Gaaak! No, please! Put on some clothes, dammit!
Grabbing her arm as she went past, Darien spun her around
so that she was standing inches away from him. "No," he said huskily
"You're not leaving."
CROW: (Darien) We have to make out first!
JOEL: Quit it, Crow.
CROW: Well, it's true basically, isn't it?
JOEL: No it isn't!
CROW: Ahhh, poor Joel, you just refuse to see the obvious truth, don't you?
Realizing the state of her undress, Serena blushed furiously,
shook her arm free from his grasp and scooped the towel up and
around her.
ALL: Thank you; thank you; thank you...
"I won't inconvenience you any.
JOEL: (sarcastically) Oh, please don't hurry on our account. After all, we're really enjoying this, aren't we?
TOM: (monotone) Oh, yes, this has got to be the best mind-numbing waste of time I've ever seen.
I'll just get my things and I'll be gone." she stated with a defiant
shake of her hair.
"Dammit Serena! You're not leaving this apartment! It's
pouring even worse than ever, and your clothes are still wet.
You're going to kill yourself!" Darien exploded.
TOM: First he burst out, then he exploded.
JOEL: Yuck! Now there's little bits of Darien all over the place!
TOM: Ewww, I think some of his brain ended up in Serena's hair!
JOEL: ...and that's our mandatory Pulp Fiction reference.
Seeing her back up in the face of his fury he moved past her
and scooped up her wet clothes. "I'll get something for you to
wear while your clothes dry." he stated flatly.
JOEL: (Darien) I think I have a barrel with suspenders here somewhere…
He turned and walked into his bedroom.
CROW: (Darien) Yeah, I have a full selection of women's clothing in the back room. It's...uh...my sister's...
TOM: (Serena) You don't have a sister...
CROW: (Darien) D'oh!
With Darien in possession of her clothes, Serena saw no other way.
TOM: She decided to hang herself with the soap-on-a-rope.
Staring at him mistrustfully, she moved out of his way and wrapped the
towel even tighter around herself. She practically snatched the clothes
he proffered her and stepped hastily back into the bathroom. Remembering
the way he'd looked at her before she'd recovered the towel,
TOM: She changed her mind about starring in that upcoming lemon.
she locked the door before spreading out the clothes she'd been given.
CROW: (Serena) Hey, why's he got a leather bikini here?
Slipping into the pyjamas, she rolled the long sleeves up a little and
picked up a comb.
Combing her hair as she walked out of the bathroom, she saw Darien
TOM: ...loading a machine gun.
spreading her clothes on a drying rack in front of the fireplace.
JOEL: Then she watched as her underwear burst into flames.
Watching him, she saw him kneel down and light a carefully laid fire.
TOM: Using her clothes as starter fuel.
Getting up and turning around, he saw her in the light of the fireplace,
combing the tangles out of her hair. Turning abruptly, he went to the
stove and said:
JOEL: (Darien) I'll just stick my head in here and light it, too.
TOM: (Darien) So, d'you like your cat-meat rare, medium or well-done?
"It's a good thing the power's still on; I've had the chance to make
something hot to drink. And the lights will keep the boogyman away."
CROW: Oscar?
TOM: David "Foxfire" Kintobor?
JOEL: General Patterson?
CROW: Nav?
TOM: Tuxedo Chris?
JOEL: Ross Perot?
[Tom and Crow stare at him]
JOEL: Sorry. Wrong boogeyman.
Smiling at the flash of annoyance in her eyes, he gestured for her to help
herself and went to change.
ALL: (singing) Every time I see you / And I just can't help myself…
Ladling out a cup of cocoa, Serena thought about the last encounter
she'd had with a bad storm. They still gave her the willies,
CROW: The rubber kind?
JOEL: Crow!
TOM: How many heads did that joke go over?
no matter how many she lived through. Putting her mug beside the phone,
she picked up the receiver and dialled the number for her house. Her
mother picked it up after only a few rings.
CROW: ...and then the telephone blew up.
JOEL: Or possibly her house.
TOM: Or possibly both.
"*Serena? Where are you?
CROW: (Serena) In the headquarters of the local slave ring, why?
Are you all right?*" her mother asked.
TOM: (Mother) Are you decent?
Answering, Serena decided she'd better not let on that she was at
a guy's apartment with him - alone. "I'm fine mom. Just got caught in the
rain is all. I'm cooped up at a friend's place, so don't worry about me.
TOM: (Serena) With no one for company but his three pet goldfish and a really big tarantula.
I'll try to get home as soon as I can."
JOEL: (Serena) Or never, whichever comes first.
"*Well, since you're with a friend, why not stay all night if the
storm lasts much longer? Have you got anything to wear?*"
CROW: (Serena) Yeah, an old cardboard box. Kind of drafty.
"Yes mom, I've borrowed something dry. I'll see you soon, okay?"
"*Have fun dear, and try not to let the storm bother you! Bye!*"
Before she could reply, her mom hung up. Grinning, she realized what a
good thing it was her mom had answered - her dad would have given her
the third degree.
JOEL: She already had a B.S. in Plot Contrivance and a B.A. in Creative Whining.
Sitting down in one of the armchairs,
CROW: ...which collapsed right under her...
TOM: ...which started to eat her...
CROW: That's better, actually.
she nearly dropped her cocoa as a clap of thunder shook the walls.
JOEL: Hi, Zeus here! Anyone in there I could use for a doormat?
"Whom do you serve, Serena?" Luna gazed out the window
thinking. "Who is it you're looking out for? Are you even you?"
CROW: (as Cat from Red Dwarf) If you're you and he's you, but he's him and you're him, am I still me?
TOM: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
JOEL: To find out, tune in next week, same cat time, same cat channel!
Sighing, she got up and started to pace. There would be no answers
for a while.
JOEL: Until next episode, right?
"Blast!" Selina cursed under her breath.
JOEL: If you insist. KAMEHAMEHA!
[Nothing happens]
TOM: Valiant effort, Joel.
"This storm is the last thing we need!"
TOM: Oh? What about...hot pink wallpaper?
JOEL: What about naval lint?
CROW: What about foreshadowing?
TOM: You kidding? Considering how much there is, that's probably the first thing they needed.
CROW: Yeah, but they've got so much of it, there's probably a surplus. I'm sure they can afford to give some of it away.
Her black-haired companion tried to soothe her, saying
CROW: (as black-haired girl) Who cares? Come on, let's go play mannequin.
"What matters is that our mission gets done. Time will not stand in our
way, we will make sure that our plan works _this_ Time."
TOM: Ah, the Incarnation of Time.
JOEL: Tom, lay off the Piers Anthony books.
"I know we will succeed Jacqueline,
JOEL: (as Selina) When she steps down, the throne will be ours!
CROW: (asJacqueline) Hey, I beat Disco Inferno, I can deal with this no problem!
TOM: Crow, that's a bit too obscure, isn't it?
CROW: Well...at least Lynxara might get it.
but what if we cannot convince her to do what we wish?" Selina replied.
Grinning, her friend said, "Because, if she is not willing, then you
and I will make her."
CROW: Nope. Don't even want to think about what that could mean.
Fighting down an urge to punch something,
CROW: Perhaps the author?
Darien rummaged through his wardrobe for something to wear
TOM: Then he suddenly noticed the snow and trees in the back of the wardrobe. And a lamppost, shining brightly.
JOEL: Been reading C.S. Lewis, too, Tom?
. Grabbing jeans and a sweater, he rushed into them ,
JOEL: Stripping them of the football.
but stopped before going out to the living room. "Why'd she
come _here_ of all places?" he raged.
CROW: Of all the apartments in all the fanfics in all the world, why'd she have to walk into mine?
TOM: Why else? The whim of the author.
"She'll be here all night, and I'm going to have to go out there
and talk to her about something!" Pacing the floor, he thought
for a while about a few good topics of conversation
CROW: The weather, movies, maybe the Author Avatar Arena Tournament.
JOEL: Well, most of the participants are Sailor Moon Self-Insertions.
CROW: Which says a lot for Sailor Moon.
before something caught his eye.
TOM: ...and crushed it in the palm of its hand.
Turning, he picked it up. The face of Serena looked up at him
from the picture frame before falling over.
JOEL: Drunk and passed out.
"Damn!" he cursed, throwing a vase at the wall.
TOM: (Darien) Stupid wall! It's all your fault!
JOEL: "Falling over"? Look, more subtle symbolism.
He was looking for something else to throw
JOEL [reaching up]: Here. Take this fanfic.
when he heard the door open. Knowing it was her, he kept his
back to the door and held the bud vase he'd just picked up even tighter.
JOEL: Yeah, hit her over the head with it! That's the blueprint for a successful relationship!
"Are you all right Darien?"
TOM: (as landlady) *Knock Knock* Are you throwing things around up here?
CROW: (Darien) No.
TOM: (landlady) Are you trapped in a crappy fanfic?
CROW: (Darien) Yes!
he heard her say. Not trusting himself to say anything, he clenched
the vase in a vice-like grip. Finally, it shattered, leaving him holding
a rose in his hand. Its petals fell to the floor, one by one each with a
drop of blood.
TOM: Oh, look, yet more subtle symbolism.
JOEL: And life's just a bed *ouch ouch, ouch ouch* of roses.
For lack of anything else to do, Mina
TOM: Was playing with her Clapper.
CROW: She put on a game show with lots of applause and cranked the volume.
JOEL: And ended up with one hell of a migraine.
looked at the envelope the invitation had come in.
CROW: It had a peeling sticker with the return address on it with the words "Humane Society" written underneath.
A fancy script,
TOM: With hollow actors and cheesy special effects.
CROW: Like Titanic?
TOM: Nope. That was fancy special effects, cheesy actors, and a hollow script.
CROW: That had actors?
JOEL: I didn't realize it had a script.
expensive paper, a nice wax seal. Something about the seal made her
examine it more closely:
TOM: Negaversum: Evilum youmanum est.
a pillar surrounded by hearts, with a background of stars.
JOEL: Chevy Chase, Barbara Streisand, Tom Cruise, Helen Hunt…
A memory stirred. Standing at attention while a
CROW: Drill sergeant yelled verbal abuse about her and Artemis.
voice asked: Whom do you serve?'. Giving her answer.
JOEL: (as Mina) The whole no-smoking section?
"Strange."
TOM: The Master of the Mystic Arts?
she muttered with a frown creasing her brow.
Standing in the doorway, Serena watched in shock.
JOEL: (Serena) What do you mean, "Pro Wrestling isn't real"?
Blood was dripping onto the shattered crystal vase. Rose petals were
falling as well.
TOM: ...the window was open and Darien was splattered on the ground below.
Stifling a gasp, she went slowly over to where he stood
and pried open his hand.
CROW: (Serena) Darien, give me Mr. Axe and we'll see about fixing our friend, Mr. Computer.
A picture fell onto the bed as a spasm of pain shook his body.
TOM: It was a picture of a beer bottle with the inscription "R.I.P.: Duff closes all breweries"
JOEL: Haven't we killed that joke already?
CROW: Not really, no.
JOEL: Just asking.
Not
bothering to look, she led him to the living room and sat him on the
sofa. When she returned a moment later with supplies to look after
his hand, he'd not moved from his seat and was staring out into space.
CROW: (Serena) Hello, Darien? Anybody home?
TOM: (Serena) Ahh, now this is an improvement!
As she came near, he turned a blank stare towards her.
JOEL: (Darien) Would you mind filling out this stare for me?
"I tried to stop them!" came out slowly. Nodding, she cleaned
and bandaged his hand, saying nothing.
JOEL: Luna got your tongue?
CROW: I think he's just receding into his own little world.
Finally looking up, she saw that he had returned from wherever he had been.
TOM: A small city on Mars just outside the capital city of Awooble!
CROW: (Darien) Oh, damn! I'm not the undisputed master and ruler of the world after all!
Thanking her, Darien picked up the supplies she had gotten
out and put them in their original places.
CROW: (Darien) Let's see, hacksaw goes here, blowtorch goes here, and the whiskey goes in me!
Coming back, he ladled cocoa into two mugs and returned to the sofa.
JOEL: Then they sulked for the rest of the night.
Giving one to Serena, he sat at the other side of the sofa. Talking,
neither of them brought up the subject of what had just happened, both
a little afraid of the answers. They talked about the weather, sports,
books
TOM: Serena? Books? SERENA?
and movies until they started to yawn.
JOEL: Must have been discussing this fic too...
Making up the sofa,
CROW: Ah, it's an imaginary sofa!
Darien left it for Serena and went into his room.
Serena knocked on the door and opened it.
TOM: (Serena) Uh, Darien, I found your termite farm in the sofa, what's left of it.
She saw Darien lying on top of his covers, next to the turned over
photograph.
TOM: ...staring blindly at the ceiling, blood dripping from his throat...
CROW: That's just wishful thinking, Tom. Unfortunately.
Sweeping up the broken vases, she kept an eye on him,
but he did nothing except follow her with his eyes as she did him.
CROW: (giggles)
JOEL: Oy vey.
Emptying the dustpan into the wastepaper basket, she went and sat
beside him on the bed. Picking up the photograph, she recognized it
as one
TOM: That was very incriminating.
that had been taken o the two of them a few months back.
JOEL: There goes Sandra into that Irish accent again.
Turning, she saw the tears in her eyes mirrored in his own and leaned
a little towards him. Seeing no resistance,
CROW: Resistance is futile! You will be kitsched to death!
she leaned onto his chest and kissed him. Responding, Darien reached
up and wrapped his arms around her, feeling her do the same.
ALL [closing eyes and chanting]: It's not what it seems, it's not what it seems…
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
TOM: Oh, how dreadfully unfortunate.
CROW: Boo-hoo-hoo.
JOEL: Oh, it wasn't that bad...
TOM: Yeah, but it wasn't that good either.
[Joel picks up Tom, and the three leave the theater]
[1][2][3][4][5][6]
[Bridge of the Satellite of Love]
[Joel and the Bots are behind the counter]
JOEL: Well guys, we've survived another one; how do you feel?
TOM: Like I need the entirety of my CPU scrubbed.
CROW: Ditto.
JOEL: Well at least you didn't overload your nitpick processor this time Servo.
[Mads light starts to flash. Joel hits it]
JOEL: What do you think sirs? How are your winnings treating you?
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester and T.V.'s Frank are behind the console. Dr. F wears a forced smile, while Frank seems nervous.]
DR. F: (cheerily) Oh, fine. At least they would be, if someone hadn't decided that he needed a new car.
[Frank starts to shrink in on himself.]
DR. F: (less cheerily) Or rather, five of them.
[Frank starts to pale.]
DR. F: (cheer fading away) And if the same someone hadn't decided to lose twelve thousand dollars on Bingo...
[Frank's knees start to shake.]
DR. F: (vexed) And if he hadn't decided to give twenty thousand to a nonexistent charity...
[Frank is now positively white.]
DR. F: (angry) And to buy a forged draft of the Declaration of Independence!
[Frank looks to be on the verge of crying.]
DR. F: (livid) And to subscribe to seventy-three different magazines and newspapers!"
FRANK: (suddenly defensive) Hey, but I subscribed to Mad Science Monthly! You've always wanted to get that.
DR. F: (serene fury) Frank, in the real world, one right and, at last count, fifty-six separate wrongs do not cancel each other out.
FRANK: (sniffle) I'm sorry…
[Dr. F looks about to strangle Frank, but relents before looking back at the viewscreen]
DR. F: And now it looks like we're in debt. I might even have to sell some of my old patents!
[He looks down into a large cardboard box standing beside him]
DR. F: The double butt graft, deep hurting, hobby hogs...so many memories. And look, there's today's! The...FINCH...
[Dr. F. suddenly turns to look at Frank and grins maliciously]
DR. F: Anyway, we're very busy down here, so until next time. Uh, push the Button, Frank!
FRANK: (chipper) Yes sir!
{psssssscht}
[The screen goes black]
DR. F: Saaay, Frank... there's a card here for you!
FRANK: For me? Wow!
*fthfft* *whistle*
FRANK: Gaaaaakk...
[Roll Credits to Mighty Science Theater]
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MiSTed by:
Nightbreak and Blazej Szpakowicz
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of Best Brains Inc, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any way.
Shards of a crystalline substance were falling all around. Looking up,
he saw his princes standing upon a column and turning to speak with
him. Her eyes widened
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