Hey, everyone! I'm back! Damerey week was so fun and all eight stories are posted if you haven't read them, yet! But for now, let's get back to this one.
Trigger warning: Rey contemplates suicide in this chapter. A certain someone is going to make sure to take her mind off of it, though.
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Two Weeks Later
Rey sat slumped in the oversized lounge chair, legs curled under her, eyes open but still seeing nothing. She knew a packet of cards sat on the table next to her, cards there were to help her begin to learn braille; her father was attempting to help her, but it was hard to learn when you had no desire to. Her ipod also sat on that table, as well as a bottle of water, but she was tired of listening to music and wasn't thirsty, though she probably should drink anyway, her body having lost a significant amount of moisture already this morning thanks to her tears.
She had made her decision last night, had informed her father this morning, and now she felt both relieved and even more depressed.
She was selling BeeBee.
There was no way she would ever ride again, and it wasn't fair to him to just stand ignored in a barn. Poe would find a good home for him, of that she was certain. He would find a rider that was talented and patient enough, and with luck he would remain their trainer. It didn't matter to Rey if Bee stayed in the area; whether he was at a barn ten miles away or all the way across the country, there was no way Rey would ever see him again, both literally and figuratively.
The eye specialist Rey had begun seeing after she got out of the hospital had informed them at Rey's last appointment that there was nothing more to do. There had been absolutely no improvement in Rey's vision for the last two months since the accident; the damage to her occipital lobe was just too severe.
She would never see again.
Rey hadn't bothered to do much in the three days since that appointment. Other than her decision to sell BeeBee, of course. Which left her mind free to roam with thoughts about how to go about ending her life. BeeBee was taken care of, her father would be better off once relieved from the burden of caring for her, and she had no desire to learn braille or walk with a mobility cane or even get on a waiting list for a seeing eye dog. It was best to just end it all.
The only question now was how?
A knock sounded on her door and Rey winced. One thing she had noticed in the last few weeks was that her sense of hearing had become very sensitive, especially with high-pitched sounds. She was so very aware of the noises around her now.
She ignored the knock, knowing her father would come in anyway whether she answered or not, so she was surprised when he knocked again.
"Rey," Luke Skywalker said softly from the other side of the door. "You have a visitor."
Immediately, Rey's heart started speeding up. No. He wouldn't. Would he? Would Poe come to argue with her about BeeBee? Her excitement about that prospect competed with dread. She hadn't showered since the day of her last doctor's appointment. She hadn't brushed her hair or her teeth or had even bothered getting dressed since that day. Her sweatpants and cami weren't indecent, but still, if it was Poe…
"Rey?" Her father called again.
"Uhm," she replied, taking a deep breath and uncurling her legs from under her, putting her feet on the floor. Should she make a move toward the bathroom? She had learned to maneuver around her room fairly well. But then what? Make him wait while she showered and got dressed?
While she was debating about what to say, the door opened. Her slight hope that it wasn't Poe was instantly crushed as the familiar and beloved smell of horse reached her nostrils; her sense of smell had also become super sensitive. As she heard his booted footsteps come closer, the even more beloved scent of his soap and aftershave reached her. She closed her eyes, willing the tears that were forming away.
"Rey?" His voice was soft, gentle, and it only made the tears become that much harder to control. She hadn't heard that voice since the day of the accident, when he had been on the phone as she left the barn, happy about her ride and anxious for the weekend ahead of her.
She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, sitting up straighter in her chair. She swallowed.
"What are you doing here?" Even though she knew the answer.
She heard him take a deep breath. "I think you know."
Rey readjusted her seat. "It has to be done," she said quietly. "And I know you'll find him the perfect home."
"He's bit three people, severely, since you left," Poe said, his voice hard now. "And kicked two more."
Rey felt her jaw drop in shock.
"It's gonna be hard to find someone to take him, despite his training." BeeBee and Rey had been ready to step into the 'big leagues' just before the accident. One year at the Prix St. George and Intermediate levels of international dressage, and then they would move into Grand Prix, the highest level. The plan was to have Rey and BeeBee compete domestically for a year, perfecting their rides, then they would travel to Europe for nine months, competing at shows throughout that continent and letting the judges become familiar with them. As much as international judges were supposed to be unbiased, there would always be subjectivity; it was human nature. "It will take years for BeeBee to accept a new partner," Poe continued.
"Then find someone who can use him as a pasture pet," Rey said softly. He wouldn't mind that, she thought. As much as the horse loved being busy and enjoyed the challenges dressage offered, he could settle in doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day.
Poe snorted. "Yeah, right."
Rey shook her head. "What do you want from me, Poe?" she demanded. "I'm never riding again."
"Who says?" he snapped back.
"What?"
"Did your doctor say you can't ride?"
Rey paused, confused by the question. "Poe, I can't see!"
"Are you physically sound to ride?" Poe continued, ignoring her statement. "Is everything all healed?"
Frowning, Rey nodded. "Yes, but…"
"Then you can ride," Poe interrupted her.
"Poe…" she started, frustrated.
"How many times did I have you close your eyes while riding?" he asked.
Rey shook her head. "That's different…"
"No!" Poe again cut her off. "It's not different." She heard him sigh. "You may have to do things on the ground differently, but the horse can be your eyes when you're on his back." He paused, then said softly. "Fuck. Rey, if I can learn to walk again, you can ride, eyes or no eyes."
Again, Rey felt shock flow through her at his words. And shame. She felt herself tremble.
After another long pause, Poe continued. "Put some shoes on. I'm taking you to the barn."
"Poe, I can't."
"Yes, you can," he demanded. "You're coming if I have to pick you up and carry you myself."
Rey scoffed.
"Okay," Poe responded, and she heard him move close to her, bringing one arm around the back of her shoulders and one down near her knees.
"No, no, no, no, no, no!" Rey gasped, pushing him away. "Your back! Don't you dare!"
He stood. "Then get some shoes on and come with me."
"You're not going to let me shower and get dressed?" she asked, her old sarcasm finding its way back into her words.
"Not a chance," he told her, and she could hear the victory in his voice. "Besides, the horses don't care."
"Just give me five minutes," she argued. "At least let me brush my teeth."
"Five minutes," he agreed, and she heard him leave the room, the door closing quietly behind him.
Her heart racing once more, Rey stood and walked carefully to the bathroom, counting out her steps. She brushed her teeth, used the toilet, then quickly brushed her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail, praying it looked at least semi decent. She moved to her closet and felt around for her pair of tennis shoes, then sat on the edge of her bed to pull them on. As she did so, Poe gave a quick knock on the door and walked back in.
She heard him grunt softly. "I was half-way sure you'd still be in that chair."
She glared at him. Or at least she hoped she was glaring at him.
His amused huff assured her he at least got the gist, then she felt his hand wrap gently around her elbow.
"Let's go," he said, his voice sounding excited.
Rey couldn't help but feed off of that excitement. Suddenly, she couldn't wait to be with her horse again, even if she couldn't see him.
She was looking forward to something for the first time in weeks, and she had Poe Dameron to blame.
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