esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

late april, 89 add.

afternoon.

The Reapings drew closer, and he couldn't stop thinking about the offer.

"Don't," Townes reassured him. He said it over and over, repeating the long list of reasons the offer was a ruse. They were all good reasons. Great reasons, even.

"If they get… picked, I'll never forgive myself," Esper always said. "I can't let that happen. You know I can't let that happen."

"They won't."

"We don't know that!"

"How many slips do they have?" Townes asked.

"Ryden has two now. Rhylee has four."

"And how many did you have?"

"I…" There wasn't an exact answer for that. Esper had taken tesserae at every opportunity, as soon as it was available to him.

"More than eight?"

He nodded. "A lot more."

"It won't be them," Townes said.

"It might."

"It won't."

"But if I-"

"Don't. Please. Trust me. Please don't. He'll make it hell. And the second you do something he doesn't want, you know what he'll do- he'll rig it. He would. So please, don't."

"I've gone through hell before. I'll do it again."

"Look at what happened last time!"

"It won't be like that."

"You don't know that."

"It won't."

"It could be. You don't know him like I do. And I don't want you to."

(He was about to reply, but he caught Townes glancing away.)

"Townes," he asked, taking the edge off his tone, "what don't I know?"

When Townes met his gaze again, his eyes were glassy. "Please," he whispered. "Don't."

"Is everything okay?"

Townes didn't answer. He looked away again, hugging himself tight, his lip trembling.

"Hey," Esper said, his voice gentle. He reached out, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. Townes caved immediately, falling against him, his shoulders shaking under Esper's hand. Esper pulled him closer and held him, deeply concerned. He'd never seen Townes lose it like this before. He didn't know how long they stayed there.

When he'd calmed down, Esper asked him, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," he answered, his voice thick. "Not right now."

Two days later, alone together in Esper's room, Townes started talking.

"He wasn't always like that."

Esper looked up from his book, confused but quiet.

"He used to like me. He did. When I was little, and he first ran for Mayor, he wanted me around all the time. He cared a lot. He would take me to school and ask what I wanted for dinner and let me talk to reporters sometimes, because it was cute. And I loved it."

Esper put his book down.

"But I… I don't know. I think I was kind of a lot as a kid. And when I was little, it was easy to play it off as cute. But once I got a bit older, it wasn't cute anymore. If I wasn't well-behaved or whatever, he started getting upset. He started yelling at me. He got really touchy about work stuff. He didn't take me to school anymore. He kind of… just dealt with me when he thought it was necessary, I think. He needed me for work stuff, but he didn't really… like me."

Esper listened.

"But I didn't get that at first. I didn't know what I needed to change, and he got more and more upset. He was angry. He was really, really mad. And I usually made it worse. And then when that happened, he would… he'd… he stopped trying to use his words, and he used his hands. That was when I started to get the message."

"How old were you?" Esper asked softly.

Townes shrugged. "Eleven, twelve?"

"Oh."

"It's not like that as much anymore," Townes said. "I'm better at avoiding him now, and at not saying stupid shit in front of him. But sometimes I fuck it up again."

"You're not the one fucking up."

"I… yeah."

"You're not."

"He's just… he's not good. He's good at pretending. But he's not good."

"Okay," Esper nodded. He hesitated. "How recently has this been going on?"

"Oh. Um, not much."

"When was the last time?"

Townes looked away. "Um. January."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…"

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"Is it okay if I hug you?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

And Esper did so. "Thank you for telling me," he murmured in his ear. "And I'm so, so sorry."

Townes didn't reply. He just hugged him tighter.

townes zamoras. 19.

the next morning.

The day after he told Esper about his father, he was a walking ball of anxiety.

(He'd given Esper shit for all sorts of stuff, and he wasn't sure if Esper would do it back. It would only make sense, right? It was only fair, right? Townes had been an asshole plenty of times, and he really couldn't blame Esper for taking an opportunity. He already knew all the jabs- he'd come up with plenty himself over the years, trying to brace himself for the possibility that he would someday have to hear them out loud.

And… he'd never told anyone before. He wasn't supposed to. In fact, he'd been explicitly told not to. Anytime there was a visible mark, he would say he fell. Nothing else.

But he'd told.

But he'd put the cards in Esper's hands.

And he did not like that feeling.)

After that, Esper had insisted he stay the night- he was usually over one or two nights a week in that same spare room, just for when home became uncomfortable or it got later than expected- so he did. He didn't have to face his father yet, at least. That was probably for the best. He wasn't confident that he could see him right now and not say the wrong thing.

So when he walked downstairs, his shoulders were tense and his legs were stiff.

Esper was at the kitchen table, typing away on his laptop, two slices of toast on a plate next to him. "Hey," he said, glancing up at Townes. "Sleep okay?"

"Eh. Fine." Townes crossed the room and snatched a piece of toast, backing away before Esper could swat at him.

Esper glared at him. "Thief."

Townes shrugged, swallowing a bite. "So I'm just supposed to fend for myself here?"

"You could've at least asked."

"Whoops. I'm sooooo sorry."

"I think that's worse, actually."

"An apology is worse?"

"Yours is."

"Okay, great. I'll never apologize again. Gotcha."

Esper rolled his eyes and returned to typing.

"What are you doing?"

"Email," he answered.

"Sienna?"

"Yeah."

"What's she up to?"

"Her sister's about to get engaged."

"...About to?"

"She seems pretty confident. Apparently she's helping set the whole thing up."

"That's fun!"

"She sounds pretty excited about it."

"I mean, I would be."

Esper paused and gave him a funny look. "What are you doing?"

"What?"

"You stole my toast, and then, like… backed all the way into the corner."

Townes glanced at the walls next to him. "Oh. I guess."

"You can sit down, you know."

"I'm good standing."

"...Okay."

"Good toast, though."

Esper's eyes narrowed. "You sure you're good?"

"Why would I not be good?"

"Because you're talking to me from across the room. And you keep looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Your eyes are all big and you won't stop chewing your lip."

"I… I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh-huh," Esper said, sounding skeptical.

"I don't!"

"Bullshit. What's the deal?"

"I…" Townes faltered. "Just… you know."

"I don't, actually."

"Yes, you do."

"Be more specific."

"You know, like… yesterday."

"What about it?" Esper asked, tilting his head.

"I just… wanted… to make sure…"

"I'm not going to tell anyone."

"Okay."

"If that's what you're worried about."

"A little bit, yeah."

Esper shrugged. "It's not my information to give anyone," he said. "But I'm glad you said something. I… I won't lie. I had a suspicion. But I didn't want to assume anything."

"You had a suspicion?"

"After that one night, yeah."

"Oh."

"I was worried."

"You were?"

"It's sort of my specialty," Esper replied, cracking a half-smile.

"Yeah…"

Esper dropped the half-smile. "Is there something else?"

Townes cringed. "I, um… I was hoping that, like… you wouldn't… I don't know… make fun of me. Or anything like… that…"

"What?"

"I… yeah…"

Esper was shaking his head. "No. Of course not. I would never make fun of you for that."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Esper insisted.

Townes nodded. "Okay."

"It's like… you know, how you don't shit on me for certain things."

"Games things."

"Yeah. And that goes both ways with stuff like this."

"Okay."

"Also, because this…" Esper said, "even more so than my bullshit, is not your fault."

"...What?"

"I'm not gonna get on your case about something like that. You didn't do anything."

"I… okay."

"You know that, right?"

"Yes," Townes said, a bit too quickly.

"It's not your fault," Esper repeated.

(But Townes was the one who couldn't shut up. But he was the one who kept riling him up, who failed to deliver on his expectations, who… who…)

"Townes?"

"I… I just…"

Esper stood. "Are you okay?"

"Yeahhh…"

"Are you sure?"

"No…"

Esper crossed the room, approaching him gently. "That's okay," he said.

Townes was breathing fast. "I just…"

"Yeah?"

"I- I wish you were right."

Esper's face fell. "Townes."

"But it is."

"I don't believe that," Esper said. "Can I hug you?"

Townes nodded stiffly, and Esper wrapped his arms around him, one hand rubbing his back. He held Townes until his breathing slowed, and still didn't pull away until a while after that.

When he did, he looked Townes in the eye. "So you know how I'm never wrong?"

Townes almost laughed. "No."

"Well, I am," Esper said. "And this is one of the things I'm not wrong about, and I need you to trust me on that. Because I promise you it's not."

He sighed. "I… don't know."

"Maybe not right now. And not to make it about me, but you don't blame me for my shitty parents, do you?"

"No."

"So you're not to blame for yours."

"Oh…" Townes squeezed his eyes shut. Esper pulled him close again, and Townes buried his head in his shoulder, not sure if he was losing it out of relief or sadness or fear or a little bit of everything all at once.

But Esper was there, holding him up, his arms safe.

(It had been so long since Townes last felt truly safe.)