Hermione

April 1996

Hogwarts

A month later, Hermione felt as if she had found some stability. Sure, that stability stemmed from throwing herself so aggressively into her school work that she could hardly see straight, but it removed the numbness, and distracted her during her waking hours.

Her dreams, however, mercilessly taunted her. Last year Hermione gave Harry a hard time for letting Voldemort into his mind while he slept, and she now realized how truly insane it was to think it was possible to stop ones dreams.

When she slept, her mind did not reply hurtful memories with Malfoy. No, her dreams were much more cruel. Every night, she would dream that she was back with him, in the Room of Requirement, alone and happy.

Waking up each morning was torture.

So while mornings were tough, she had found a system that worked for her. She focused on how she'd allot her time. It came down to about 80% relentless studying, 10% Harry Luna and Ginny, and 10% Ron.

Ron and Hermione weren't together, she didn't think. No, she was pretty sure they weren't together. They hadn't kissed, although she did recall a few times where she was confident that he was about to before she swerved away casually.

But they were something more than friends, she accepted uncomfortably. It was terrible to be so flippant about something such as a relationship, but she wasn't paying that close of attention to what was going on between her and Ron. If she exerted any additional mental capacity towards the situation, it would ruin the delicate system she designed to distract her from the deep fear that her hurt over Malfoy was never going to heal.

Ron started small. Hermione noticed that he would from time to time, move her hair a bit off her shoulder, or away from her face. His movements felt more clinical at first, not as if he was tenderly engaging with her, rather testing the waters.

Then, in the common room, she noticed that when he sat in close proximity to her, his finger would dance along her leg, like it was trying to tease the idea into her head that he was interested.

Hermione theorized that her avoidance technique fanned Ron's confidence, because half the time he did these things, Hermione was only half paying attention.

Then, one night at dinner, Ron placed his arm tentatively across Hermione's shoulder as he talked to Harry and Dean. Ginny seemed to be the only one eying what was happening skeptically.

Hermione tensed up when he did this, but tried to ease her nerves. She was going to have to move on eventually, she thought. Ron had been her crush for years, if this wasn't the way to get over Malfoy, she wasn't sure how she ever would.

Emboldened, he began to test the boundaries with their physical proximity out in public. He normally did this at meals where he would place an arm around her, and sometimes in walking to class, he would reach out for her hand which she would take mindlessly.

Then, one day in Potions while Hermione was laser focused on her work, she felt a hand grasp at her waist.

A rush of emotion hit her, because she did not think it was Ron. She thought it was Malfoy.

The flask she had been holding slipped out of her hand, smashing into glass dust on the floor. Ron leapt back, hands in the air apologizing for scaring Hermione.

But Ron didn't scare her. He only reminded her of who he wasn't, which prompted the hot prickly tears that she had been keeping at bay for months began to sparkle at her eyes.

"Oh no Hermione," Ron said softly, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, patting it uncertainly as real tears began to pour down her face. "It's OK, it's easy to clean up"

It wasn't the flask! Hermoine shouted in her mind until her inner voice felt raw.

"Here, lets see, I think it's Reparo," Ron said, flouncing his wand too wide, not saying the words right at all.

A half a second after the spell should have worked, the flask repaired itself. Ron looked at his wand momentarily in shock.

Hermione saw a flicker of blonde move in her peripherals. Malfoy had moved from his table and was just a few steps away from her. She looked around vacantly to see if anyone else in class was paying attention, but they weren't. Things broke all the time in potions.

But Malfoy was paying attention, and was now standing just out of arms reach from her, hand on his wand, clearly being the caster of the charm that fixed the flask. He stared at her with a look that made her feel like she was drinking pure adrenaline.

For a moment, it was like no one else was in the room but her and him. Ron didn't even realize she was looking at Malfoy; he was preoccupied with his wandwork.

Tears were still falling down her face, but the size and speed of the drops slowed as she looked at him.

Concern was painted across his features as he watched her. His posture was rigid as he stood between tables, giving the impression that he had just been walking to the store room, but got distracted. Unlike every time he had caught her glance and looked away with disinterest, this time he looked at her like he wanted to be her life raft, and at the same time, desperately needed her to be his.

"You OK then 'moine?" Ron asked again, this time placing a hand on her arm, rubbing it gently.

Her eyes still fixed on Malfoy's saw his reaction when Ron touched her arm. The look was deeply complex. It was anger, worry, loss, and contempt all at once.

Hermione took in Malfoy's appearance and saw that the subtle decline of his physical health that she had noted but tried desperately not to fixate on in the past weeks, was more pronounced than ever.

His eyes were sunken and dark, and there was a wild desperation and craze behind his gaze. She saw his cheekbones were too pronounced and hallowed out, and his normally built frame seemed like it was withering. Hermione thought of how prisoners of Azkaban looked, specifically Sirius, and thought Draco was not far off.

The concern she saw in his eyes must have been mirrored in her own back to him, because he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, then finally broke away, making his way to the storeroom.

Later that night, Harry, Ron and Hermione were seated at study tables in the library before it closed. Hermione had gone there of her own accord, and Ron followed, dragging Harry with him.

Hermione was engrossed in what she was reading, and to her right, Harry was pouring over the margins of his Potions book, in search of new spells to try from his Half Blood Prince. Ron sat in a chair on the other side of Hermione, pushing his seat back until he was balancing on the back legs, looking around the empty library absentmindedly.

"Anything good going on in Marauders Map tonight?" Ron eventually asked, letting the chair clunk down.

"Malfoy is still in the Room of Requirement," Harry said like it was the most uninteresting piece of news of the day.

"What?" Hermione choked too loudly. Madame Prince shushed from her desk.

Ron looked uncomfortable at Hermione's response so she tried to down play her reaction, looking at Harry to go on.

"I thought I told you…" Harry started, looking at Ron. "Or Ron would have at least."

Ron looked sheepishly at Hermione. Hermione had never really talked to Harry, Ron or Ginny about the rumors involving her and Malfoy. After he was quickly with Astoria, and word got around about him publicly calling her a mudblood a handful of times, it was assumed the rumor was all rubbish. Even so, Ron would avoid bringing up his name when ever possible.

Hermione tried to look uninterested, but also subtly angled herself to look at the Marauders map.

"Yeah he's been going there for weeks now. I've been having Dobby and Kreacher follow him," Harry explained, not picking up on the subtle buzz of Hermione's focus.

"For awhile he would just disappear off the map, and I thought he was leaving Hogwarts. But Dobby found him on the seventh floor one night before he disappeared and then it hit me. He was going into the Room of Requirement, and the Room of Requirement isn't plotted on the map"

Hermione nodded casually, containing the frenzy of thoughts soaring through her head.

Why would he be in the Room of Requirement? Was he hoping she would come meet him? No, that was insane, that couldn't be it at all. Then a sick feeling hit her; was he going there with Astoria?

"Yeah Goyle and Crabbe are always stationed out in front of it. So it's easy to see when he's in there"

Ron was looking carefully at Hermione which made her focus on controlling her expression even more.

"What do you think he's doing?" Hermione asked, letting her eyes cast down, trying to seem disinterested.

"I'm sure it has something to do with him being a Death Eater" Harry said resolutely.

Instinct itched at Hermione to object to this claim; it had been so long since the last time they had a bout about this. But, she couldn't bring herself to argue it.

"Library is closed" Madam prince appeared out of nowhere over the three, unceremoniously dismissing them from their conversation.

What she was doing was inexcusably risky, Hermione thought while she walked along a darkened corridor on the seventh floor. Harry could be sitting in his dorm at that very moment watching the Marauders Map.

But while laying in bed trying to fall asleep that night, all Hermione could see was Malfoy's face from potions, how drained of life he looked, and she was wracked with concern. She had to try and see him that night.

She wasn't even sure he'd still be there as it was approaching midnight, but sure enough, Crabbe and Goyle were positioned in front of the bare wall that would form for the Room of Requirement.

Crabbe was slouched down sleeping into his hand, but Goyle looked as if he was a guard who was at full attention.

From down the hallway, Hermione took out her wand and cast a wordless "Stupefy" at Goyle.

A quick breathy sound escaped his lung before he crumpled. Just as Crabbe awoke from the sound of Goyle falling, Hermione stupified him too.

She walked over to the two and adjusted them into explainable positions as if they both had fallen asleep. Then, she fished out two vials of sleeping draught and dumped it into their slack jawed mouths.

For good measure, and perhaps a bit of practice for her parents when she had to go on the run, she modified their memories to have fallen asleep on the job, so neither remembered that they were stunned.

With both Crabbe and Goyle out of her way, she stood facing the solid wall nervously.

This could be closure, Hermione reasoned with herself. If she tries to open it up, and the door won't form, then he wasn't in their room. Or at least that was Hermione's understanding of how the room worked when someone was already inside for a different purpose.

Worst case scenario, which Hermione attempted to brace herself for, was that he was in there with Astoria.

She shook the fear out of her hands at the thought.

There was a chance, a slim one, that he wanted her to come find him. That scenario destabilized her the most, not knowing how she would handle knowing that he still held out for her.

Taking a breath, she walked three times in front of the wall and thought of how she needed a place to hide something.

When her eyes opened, the door began to form in front of her.

Her chest thrummed as the door finished forming. Looking up at the gigantic entry way, she huffed a breath, and pushed her way inside.

It looked exactly like the last time she was there with Malfoy. The lighting was low, as if it was being lit by torches, but the room was so expansive that not a torch could be seen. There was a magical quality to how light emanated through the room.

"WHO'S THERE?" she heard Malfoy bellow from out of site, then rounded the corner from where he was, wand already drawn.

Hermione stood limply, her hands not moving to draw her wand as he stormed towards her, his eyes glazed and disturbed.

It took him a second but then it dawned on him who he was looking at. His entire face slackened, and his wand arm immediately came drifting down to his side.

"Granger?" he asked like he didn't believe it himself.

Hermione did not say anything, she just looked at him. Merlin did she miss him. He was wearing a buttoned up white oxford and his hair was a mess, her favorite combination.

But the look on his face, the way his hair was a mess, felt all wrong to her. He looked incredibly drawn and tired, his skin devoid of any color.

Before she knew it, her feet were moving in his direction.

She had moved a few steps towards him before he took a tentative step back, making her stall.

"Granger," there was no derision in his voice when he said it. He sounded exhausted.

Her eyes felt like they were burning. She didn't know why they were welling up with tears. So she kept walking towards him.

"You're not OK," she said to him, barely loud enough for him to hear in the expansive room.

He looked like he was going to combust from the inside. His breathing became short and stilted.

"Granger get out of here," he commanded through clenched teeth. "Go," he nearly yelled.

Tears were rolling down her face yet again as she marched up to him. "Draco I'm worried about you!" she said edging closer to hysterics.

His mania seemed to temper at seeing her lose control. Now standing in front of him, she turned her face up to his and took him in frantically. At close range his features looked even worse for the ware. The whites of his eyes were bloodshot like he hadn't had a night of sleep in days. His skin was sallow, and waxy.

"I don't care if you hate me, and I know you never want to talk to me again, I don't care OK!" Hermione was now screaming, months of built up sorrow seeping out in the act of finally talking to the one person she had wanted to talk to this entire time. "But please let me help, whatever it is. Tell me what it is, I want to help."

Hermione was breaking down in front of him in a way that she scolded herself for. He was the one that needed help, not her. So why was she acting like this?

Draco looked at her in stunned silence.

"Granger," he said softly, his hand twitching towards her, then falling. His voice sounded tragically sad. "Why do you even care?"

Hermione's eyes were fixed on the floor, trying to calm herself down so she could have a cool head about this conversation.

"I can't stop caring about you," she muttered, embarrassed and ashamed. "I've tried, but I just can't Draco."

Before she knew it, his lips were pressing into hers desperately. Once she realized that he was kissing her, she squeezed her eyes shut, letting the remnants of tears leak out as she wrapped her arms around his neck, squeezing so tight she was worried she'd break him.

His hands were distraught on either side of her face, breathing her in roughly.

It lasted only a moment before he pushed back, marching off in a direction away from her.

"Don't you get it? I can't do this!" he roared, eyes wide and not able to look at her. He was pacing feet away. Her lips were still tingling from the impact of their kiss.

"I know, you're with Astoria," Hermione mumbled guilty.

A humorless, deep laugh peeled from Draco's lips.

"You think that's the reason?" He asked incredulously, his eyes looking wild. Hermione looked confused, and he laughed again. "I've never cared about her and we're not together."

Hermione was baffled. For her mental health she avoided watching Draco and Astoria consort, but now that she thought on it, she couldn't recall the last time she saw them together.

He was in front of Hermione, his hands pulling her face to look up to him. At first it looked as if he was trying to recall each freckle, but then his eyes met hers with intensity.

"If this was about what I wanted, we would never leave this room and the world could go to hell around us," he whispered urgently down into her face.

Her heart slammed against her chest and she felt her breath pick up.

"But its not about what I want," he said with the same severity, but now with deep sadness lacing his words.

Hermione reached her hand up to take hold of his left hand that was now on her face. As she brought her hands over his forearm though, he flinched back, moving away from her.

He clawed his hands through his hair, grunting into the abyss.

"Forget about me!" he screamed at her, eyes frantic and unable to stay focused. "This will never work out, just move on. You're being pathetic"

"Don't be cruel," Hermione reprimanded him. She could see it now, he was being cruel to push her away.

His heavy breathing was slowing, but his features still looked spent.

"Just go be with Weasley" He said offhandedly, the fight leaving him.

Hermione shook her head. "I can't"

Draco looked at her over his shoulder. It looked like he was going to ask why not, but then he thought better of it.

He looked frustrated at himself, and with a deep sigh pinched his brow.

"I'm asking you please," he said calmly, "stay away from me"

The formality of the tone, the absence of emotion made her more wary than when he looked crazed.

"That is what you want?" Hermione questioned. His head gave an infinitesimal twitch to the side, but then nodded.

"I need you to stay away from me. Please." he reiterated trying to stay as calm as possible.

She took a breath, stealing one last look of him for her to remember.

"If you need anything," Hermione chanced, "I am here. I will help you."

He looked truly sad at her words, and let his head fall.

"Goodbye Granger," he said, and didn't look up.

"Goodbye Draco," she replied, turning and making her way to the exit. She thought about telling him what she did to Crabbe and Goyle, but she knew he was bright enough to figure it out.

The next day, Hermione was sitting with Ron and Ginny in the Gryffindor common room. Hiding her sadness was months practiced at this point, so she wasn't letting on that her world was leveled yet again the previous night.

Luckily, as far as she could tell, Harry hadn't seen anything suspicious on the Marauders Map.

Ginny was off to the side in an armchair studying for her OWLs. Hermione had a book open, but not Thatcher's, and was making notes on a scroll as she read. Ron sat to her side, his hand grazing the side of Hermione's leg from time to time. Each instance she found herself angling away.

She made a note that she had to make it clear with Ron that she wasn't interested in a relationship with him. It wasn't fair to lead him on.

Then, bursting through the door to the common room was Harry, eyes wild, covered in blood.

Hermione, Ron and Ginny were on their feet taking in Harry's appearance, all clamoring different variations of "what happened" as he looked around in a mad way.

"I cast a spell the Half Blood Prince wrote down," Harry breathed, now looking to Ron. "Ron I need your potions book"

Ron looking confused, but reached down to his book bag and began fishing it out.

"What spell?" Ginny asked breathlessly

"Septsrumptma" Harry replied, not able to look at Ginny.

"So what happened?" Ron asked but a feeling of panic began to build in Hermione that she couldn't explain.

"I found Malfoy having a fit in the girls lavatory. He was all alone," Harry began, and Hermione's vision started to spin. "He shot a dueling spell at me and I shot one back, but then I used Sectumsempra."

Hermione's whole body was growing cold at the realization of what Harry was saying.

"Harry what happened to Draco?" Hermione cut in, staring at her friend as if she would use an unforgivable to get the answer out of him. Ron and Ginny cast a quick glance to Hermione, with Ron's look lingering, and then back to Harry.

Harry held Hermione's eyes fearfully. "The spell acted like a cursed blade. It…it sliced across his chest multiple times, and the bleeding wouldn't stop. Snape came in though, he performed some spell and left with him."

Ginny's hand went to her mouth, and Ron looked aghast. Hermione felt like her world had dropped out from under her.

"Ron give me your potions book, Snape told me to bring him my potions book. I need to switch the covers out so he thinks yours is mine," Harry eventually said.

Hermione's face screwed up and looked at Harry like she'd never seen him before.

"You almost killed him and all you care about is that stupid book!" Hermione snapped at Harry viciously. It occurred to her at that very second she didn't know if Draco was alive and her knees almost buckled.

Ron and Harry looked at Hermione in confusion, but a knowing expression dawned across Ginny's face while she watched Hermione process all of this.

With no energy for pretense, Hermione left without another word, making a direct path for the infirmary.