The hangar of the Devastator was full of noise and glaring white light, as the boots of dozens of stormtroopers crashed on the plasteel decking. TIE pilots in their black suits looked on from near their launch bays, ready to observe some Imperial Justice being doled out for their fallen comrades, as both of the fighters that had been shot down had come from the Devastator.
Officers waved and the intercom buzzed with various orders as the dilapidated ship was drawn in by the tractor beams. Surprisingly, the ship didn't attempt to flee or to fight back, even as the lights came back on as the main system restarted.
"If they think that will earn them mercy, they have another thing coming," one stormtrooper growled as they set up their squad support weapon.
"Damn smugglers. We'll show them what it means to defy the Empire!" another agreed.
All the Stormtroopers wanted revenge after their comrades had all died on the desert planet, and they were eager to engage in a little wanton violence. After all, it was better to give than to receive.
The ship docked, and the boarding crews with their cutting lasers advanced as soon as the docking clamps were engaged. To their surprise, however, the hatch slid open, revealing an old man in a brown robe with two young girls at his side.
"Hello there," the old man said, smiling in greeting, his arms concealed in the wide sleeves of his robe.
"Surrender!" one of the officers barked, as if by reflex.
"Very well. I accept," the old man stated calmly.
The officer paused, as he took a moment to process this. Then he sneered. "I will be accepting your surrender, old man. Do so, or die."
"I'm afraid you're not of sufficient rank to negotiate with me. I will wait while you call for someone of senior rank. A colonel, or perhaps a senior captain from the navy would be accepted," the old man said, still unperturbed. Beside him, the two girls were goggling at him.
"That's so cool," one whispered. She had some sort of deformity, as one of her eyes was covered by an eyepatch.
"Shh, we promised to listen!" the other shushed.
"Who are you?" the stormtrooper officer demanded suspiciously.
The old man withdrew an object from his sleeves, and ignited it. "I am General Obi-wan Kenobi."
The stormtroopers, not being fools, immediately attempted to gun the jedi down as soon as they saw the lightsaber. Most of the time, it was possible to overwhelm a lone jedi through volume of fire and drop them.
Most of the time though, they were not facing General Kenobi and two Crimson Demons. A force bubble popped up around the three, easily absorbing the small arms fire.
"BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!"
"Um, I-I am Yunyun, a-and, um, if you promise to be our friends, we won't kill you all…"
"We're ready!" Chris's voice called from inside. "Main battery back online!"
"Very well. We will disable the anti-ship weapons," Kenobi stated. "Megumin, Yunyun, on me."
"HA-HA-HA-AH-HA!" Megumin cackled as the barrier dropped, producing a rocket launcher seemingly from nowhere as Kenobi charged the stormtroopers, his lightsaber a blur. She turned and began to fire missiles at the batteries trained on the Falcon, and the hanger rocked with the massive fireballs as the turrets were soon destroyed.
For her part, Yunyun was covering Kenobi by throwing bolts of lightning into the enemy, her face taking on a frightening cast as her eyes glowed deep crimson.
"Kazuma, now!" Megumin ordered, extending her hand behind her. "I need a reload."
A fresh pack of explosives floated out and dropped into Megumin's hand from inside the ship, and Megumin gleefully began to fire her rocket launcher as soon as she slammed it home.
"K-Kazuma, aren't you going to help?" Yunyun asked.
"Heck no! It's safe in here! A guy could get killed out there!"
There was a sudden explosion that rocked the Falcon, as a squad of stormtroopers had taken out their own portable anti-ship weaponry and were firing back.
With a squeak, Kazuma tumbled out, pulling out his blaster and firing at them as quickly as he could.
Meanwhile, the Falcon's turrets came to life, and began to clear the deck of any remaining resistance. In less than a minute, the hanger was full of nothing but fire, death, and a lone jedi.
"Cease fire," Kenobi ordered, deactivating his lightsaber. "The doors are now blocked, but that won't last long."
"Great, I'll just be on the ship then," Kazuma said, turning to head back inside.
"The ship will be the first place they look, you know," Solo said casually, leaning against a bulkhead. "It's probably much safer out there."
Kazuma glanced behind himself, where Megumin was still giggling and petting her rocket launcher. "Yeah, I don't think so."
"Kazuma, stop being such a baby or we're not giving you any of the reward!" Megumin called.
"Screw you! I'm not risking my skin just for money!"
"Fine. Yunyun, would you ever date a coward?"
"Um…w-well, I think I would prefer someone w-who likes going on adventurers with me…"
"This is blackmail and extortion. I hope you know that," Kazuma grumbled, coming back outside and looking around. "Maybe I'll just date the princess when I rescue her."
"I think you had best focus on rescue operations," Kenobi said, coming back up the ramp. "The exits are secure for now. We must begin rescue operations."
"Don't sweat it!" Chris said excitedly, coming over with four cases that she passed out to Kenobi, Kazuma, and the Crimson Demons. "We'll enact stage two of your plan! You go get Darkness."
"Who's Darkness?" Kazuma asked.
Chris winced. "Oh, um, I mean…go out into the darkness. Have fun! Come on, Aqua, Threepio!"
"But I want to go rescue Darkness!" Aqua whined as she slumped over. "It would be fun! Why can't I go?"
"I must protest this plan of action. It seems unnecessarily hazardous!" the protocol droid argued even as R2D2 pushed him towards the hatch.
"Time's a wastin! And you know perfectly well that I need you to help take that ship, Aqua," Chris said. "I can't do it with just myself and the two droids."
"Hmph. Well, I think we should just keep the Falcon. I like it better," Aqua argued.
Chris sighed. "It's a luxury ship. I'm sure they have fine Alderaanian liquors, maybe even some Theebian Champagne.
"Well why didn't you say so?! Quit lollygagging, Threepio! Let's go get that bubbly!" Aqua agreed eagerly.
While the byplay had been taking place, the four in the other away team had been putting on vac suits, preparing to enact Kenobi's plan.
"I still say this is crazy," Kazuma grumbled as he checked his seals. "Why would you get out of a perfectly good spaceship?"
"Even myself and the Crimson Demon Clan cannot fight through hundreds of stormtroopers," Kenobi said patiently. "We must find another path."
"Thousands," Kazuma corrected. "From what I've read, an ISD like the Devastator can carry 9,700 storm troopers and their gear. Plus the crew, which is made up of 27,850 enlisted and-"
"The point remains. We shall take the indirect approach," Kenobi said. "Come. The Force shall lead us."
After passing through the shields that held the void at bay, the party made their way along the surface of the Star Destroyer, Kazuma of all people leading the way.
"Alright, so, the detention block for valuable prisoners on a big ship like this is located just aft of the hangar bay, but it's a few hundred meters. It's going to take us forever to get there," Kazuma said over the short wave radio. "But there's an access hatch we can use to get in there. Hopefully they don't just burn through the hatches before we get back."
"I left them some presents if we do," Megumin said smugly. "But I think we can get there faster."
"Indeed. The Force shall guide us," Kenobi agreed, deactivating his magnet boots and lifting up off the ship's surface.
"What, are you crazy!? We could float off into space and be lost forever!" Kazuma protested.
"Kazuma, do you trust me?" Yunyun asked, putting a hand on his arm. They were both in vac suits, but he still blushed.
"Um, well, I've known you basically forever so…yeah…"
Kazuma deactivated his boots, and for a moment, they all floated there, and he had a moment to look out into the vastness of space and feel very, very small.
Then Yunyun and Megumin took his hands, and using their Mystic Powers, shot themselves over the surface of the ship through a series of increasingly dangerous and powerful Force pushes and pulls, Kenobi streaking alongside them serenely.
"AAAAHHHHHH!" Kazuma screamed, and found himself clutching at the two girls in terror. He could have aided their efforts, but he was both too frightened and not practiced enough to manage the same feat of Force manipulation that the Crimson Demons managed nearly effortlessly.
"STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP! THAT'S THE HATCH!" Kazuma wailed. He gasped in pain as they were jerked to a sudden halt, groaning slightly.
"That was fun!" Megumin giggled. "We should do it again!"
"I-I liked it," Yunyun agreed. "But, um, next time, could you not scream so loud, Kazuma? Um, it h-hurt my ears…"
"Oh. You could hear that?" Kazuma asked, wincing.
Kenobi floated to an easy stop, then approached the exterior panel. "I may have to cut through this. There doesn't seem to be an easy way to get inside."
"I have explosives! We could use those!" Megumin offered, holding up a brick of something very dangerous.
"Um, I…I think I could open it, i-if you give me a minute," Yunyun offered. "The controls are on the inside, but, um, I think I can manipulate them from here…"
"That isn't nearly as cool as blowing the door or cutting it with a lightsaber!" Megumin protested.
"But, it is far less likely to get us killed," Kazuma pointed out.
"And less likely to alert the enemy to our presence," Kenobi agreed. "Proceed, Miss Yunyun."
After a minute or so of fiddling with the Force, Yunyun managed to pop the hatch open, and all three went inside. Their presence seemed undetected, as Yunyun had managed to disable the alarm. They passed through the airlock, then found a locker with various Imperial Uniforms inside.
"Let us change," Kenobi said, taking out four Stormtrooper uniforms. "We may yet manage this undetected."
"Right, cell block is this way," Kazuma said once his uniform was on. "And my uncle said spending all my time on the 'net was a waste."
"Truely, Owen cannot comprehend your dark and terrible powers," Megumin said seriously.
Kazuma opened his mouth to argue with her, then closed it. He couldn't decide if it was a compliment or not with that helmet on Megumin's head.
They passed a number of Imperial Navy personnel, who gave the group odd looks. Yunyun and Megumin's uniforms were obviously a bit big on them, and they were still by far the shortest pair of Stormtroopers anyone had ever seen. Still, they got to the nearby detention block quickly enough.
"Let me do the talking," Kazuma said confidently. "I know the protocols."
"I think perhaps you had best leave it to me," Kenobi began, but Kazuma sauntered out onto the main cell block, ignoring him.
"We're here for an emergency prisoner transfer," Kazuma said confidently. "We need to take-"
"Oh thank the Emperor, you're taking her off our hands at last?" a desperate looking Imperial officer said, looking up with an expression of relief and hope.
"Er, yes, by the order of Lord Vader, we-"
"I'll just get the keys to her cell," the officer said eagerly.
"What about their authorization?" one of the junior techs asked.
Two of his companions slapped him upside the back of his head. "Can it! This is our chance!"
"Er, we are transferring the Prisoner known as Princess-" Kazuma tried, but the officer just held up a keycard.
"Her cell is over there, B-25-J-02. Just send over the authorization and the paperwork later. The big attack has everyone on edge, we'll figure it out."
"Uh…thanks?" Kazuma said, taking the keycard. Then he hastily saluted. "I mean, yes, sir."
The officer just saved, smiling at him with a vague expression on his face. "I just remember I have to…that is…I'm doing an inspection of the far cell blocks."
"I just need to visit the head," one of the other techs said.
Various excuses were quickly produced, and everyone, even the tech who had asked about authorization, found a reason to go be somewhere else immediately.
"Well that's weird," Kazuma said, frowning.
Kenobi nodded to him. "The Force is strong with you. A jedi can persuade those with a weak mind easily."
"But…I didn't even use the Force! Or anything else!" Kazuma argued as he headed for the indicated cell.
"Yes," Kenobi said slowly. "I am…uncertain of what this means…"
"Maybe it's a trap! I'll rig the place to explode, just in case!" Megumin said eagerly.
"D-don't do that! W-we have to escape without drawing attention!" Yunyun argued.
Kazuma went over to the cell, inserted the key card, then hit the button. The door hissed open, and he gasped. Laying on the bare metal floor next to a cot was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her golden hair was in two odd buns on the side of her head, but that just added to her charm. Her white robes showed off long legs, with pale, milky skin and well toned muscles. Her arms were smooth, but with the shape of an athlete. Most importantly was the generous cleavage Kazuma could see, and he stood there, speechless.
The woman's eyes opened, and she blinked. "Oh…are you here to torture me?"
"No, I'm here to-" Kazuma began, but he was interrupted as the princess rose to her knees, leaning forward, eyes sparkling.
"Oh, will you humiliate and violate me? As a cruel man, shall you bind me and then let your perverse lust consume you, ravaging me and stealing my purity, forever sullying my reputation?! Shall you get hot pokers or neural disruptors to maim and torment me?! Perhaps you shall rip my clothes from my body, displaying my naked flesh for all to see!? Oh, how cruel, how wicked!"
Then she began to pant, practically drooling as she gazed up at Kazuma.
"What?! No! I'm not even a Stormtrooper! We're here to rescue you!" Kazuma cried, slightly disgusted, but also very turned on.
"Oh, what a cruel trick! No, you shall learn nothing from me! It is my duty to withstand all your torments!" the princess declared, and began to crawl towards Kazuma, hips swaying, her cleavage clearly visible. "Everyone knows the rapacious appetites of the Imperial Stormtroopers! Even though I am a princess and an imperial senator, I know that you will beat me and use me to state your carnal appetites, using me as your plaything and passing me around like-"
"KAZUMA! Stop leering at her cleavage!" Megumin ordered, stomping up and glaring at the princess.
Princess Organa stopped, sitting up again. "A female Stormtrooper? I've never heard of such a thing…"
"Stop trying to seduce Kazuma, you blonde cow!" Megumin snapped. "He's too stupid to realize a princess would never stoop to date a loser NEET like him."
"I-I do not know what this NEET is, but I would only date a man who would exploit me for political gain, or try to steal my family fortune!" the princess said. "I want a man who would mercilessly exploit my body, perhaps even uploading lewd pictures to the holonet, while engaging in the most debauched acts-"
"I dunno Megumin, she's sounding like my kind of girl," Kazuma said smugly. "Plus, if I rescue her, the traditional reward is for the hero to be given a princess to do whatever he wants to her!"
"Oh, what a wicked man!" the Princess gasped. "Anyone who would try to betray his comrades, then use me as his own personal plaything is truly wicked! But, if you do rescue me, I shall allow you to have your way with me, even if it involves-"
"Lalatina," Kenobi said, appearing with his helmet off. "We need to go."
"M-Master Kenobi?! Did…did my father send you?" the Princess blushed and looked around. "Um, he's not here, is he? I-I do not wish to embarrass the family-"
"We shall return you to your father immediately," Kenobi said firmly. "Come, our time is short."
Kazuma followed the princess out, still looking at her rather sexy figure. She was a complete freak, but Kazuma had been on the 'net and he knew what was out there. It was a bit of a turn off, but she was really sexy, so he could put up with-
"OW! Megumin!"
"That wasn't her. Stop staring at the princess, Kazutrash," Yunyun sniffed, coming to march beside him, her blaster pointed at Kazuma's groin. "It's despicable that you tried to extort sexual favors from her to rescue her."
"I didn't do that at all! She offered! And what kind of a man wouldn't accept?!" Kazuma protested.
"One who was faithful to his girlfriend and wasn't a loser NEET who had never been on a date," Yunyun huffed.
"You said it, sister," Megumin agreed, and the two of them nodded.
It was a bit surreal to have that sort of conversation with a pair of Stormtroopers, but Kazuma grumbled to himself and tried not to hang his head in shame.
Kenobi had put his helmet back on, and Princess Lalatina meekly walked between the four supposed Stormtroopers. To Kazuma's surprise, every single person on their way back towards the hanger got out of their way, with even the small messenger droids turning around and finding somewhere else to be.
"What's gotten into them?" Kazuma muttered. "It's like we have the plague or something."
"Maybe they can just smell the hussy on the wind," Megumin opined.
Princess Lalatina moaned happily. Which was starting to annoy Kazuma.
They found a large party of Stormtroopers blocking the hallway near the hangar, and sounds of laser cutters could be heard up ahead.
"Hey, what are you doing here with her?" an officer demanded, pointing to the princess. "Get her out of here! She's supposed to be in a secure area!"
Before anyone could do anything, the princess suddenly charged forward. She grabbed the officer in a wrestling move, and then bodily hurled him forward, bowling over several storm troopers. She grabbed a fallen blaster, and shouted, "FREEDOM FOR ALDERAAN!" and started shooting.
Everyone, even Kenobi, were shocked by the sudden display. The Stormtroopers whirled, some diving for the deck, a few firing wildly. Then, all the combatants paused, as the princess continued to recklessly fire her blaster.
Not a single one of the dozens and dozens of shots even singed a Stormtrooper.
"Are you serious?" Megumin demanded.
"S-stop staring and take cover! I-I will protect you!" the princess said, still hosing down the hall. A blaster bolt from the stormtroopers shot out, taking her in the chest, and she gasped.
"Lalatina!" Kenobi cried, tearing off his helmet. "No! How can-"
Then the princess groaned happily. "Do not worry, general Kenobi! I shall protect you!"
"Did she just get shot?" Kazuma asked.
"Yes, but obviously, her boobs are too thick for it to take any effect," Megumin grumbled.
"T-that's not how b-boobs work!" Yunyun gasped.
"Yeah, well, let a true genius of the Crimson Demon Clan show you how to fight!" Megumin cackled. Then she pitched two thermal detonators down the hall.
"HIT THE DECK!" Kazuma screamed, and dove backwards. Even Kenobi sprang for a side door to hide behind, and Yunyun bodily hauled Megumin into cover. Only the princess stood, still firing and hitting nothing but deckplate and walls.
Then the blast hit, and Kazuma went deaf for a few seconds, his vision full of nothing but stars. When it did clear, he found the princess crouched over him, her robes shredded and torn, exposing a ripped body suit that showed off quite a bit of skin, and was just barely this side of nudity.
"Are you alright?" the princess demanded.
"No, that almost killed me," Kazuma groaned.
"Then I shall rescue you!" the princess declared, and picked up Kazuma, slinging him over one shoulder.
Kazuma could only lay there, stunned, as the princess ran forward, still firing her blaster with wild abandon. Behind him, Megumin, Yunyun, and Kenobi raced after. The party burst into the hanger, where the Falcon and the Tantive IV were.
Kenobi took the lead, heading up the ramp onto the Falcon and beckoning the others after him.
"Quickly, this way!"
"Put me down! I'm the one who's supposed to be rescuing you!" Kazuma protested rather belatedly.
"Do not worry, I train daily! I shall save you!" the princess promised, and raced onboard the ship.
Kazuma could only sigh as they scrambled aboard the Falcon. This was the worst rescue he'd ever been a part of.