Married… with a Useless Goddess 14
Disclaimers I don't own KonoSuba, please support any to all official releases, and thank you for your continued support and patience I truly appreciate it everyone.
Laying on the living room couch was the family's pet Negi as he was aimlessly watching the infomercial channel cause he the family pet needs background noise of some kind to relax.
That is until Kazuma finally came inside the house with his coat being held behind the back of his left shoulder.
"Family I'm home! Please don't crowd around me now" said Kazuma ironically as no one was home to greet him as Negi has long since ignored his master, the same one who would still take him out for a midnight walk in the cold rain so he can pee on a fire hydrant that was 8 blocks away from home.
"Negi get off the couch already boy, papa wants to put his feet up" said Kazuma as he giant feline-dog obliged as it was revealed he was laying on top of a brown paper bag with a grease stains as there were 2 burger wrappers and an empty basket of fries.
"Hey wait a minute, where the hell did you get Carly's Jr." demanded Kazuma as he picked up the brown bag, just as Aqua finally came down the stairs.
"Hey honey, I see that you ate the dinner I bought you, now you have no right to say I don't ever feed you" said Aqua as she had no idea how ironic the situation was for Kazuma.
"Now that you're finally fed I want you to do something for me Kazuma" said Aqua as Kazuma knew the implication as he feigned a headache.
"I'm sorry Aqua, I've been dealing with this darn migraine all afternoon as you can see" said Kazuma as Aqua rolled her eyes, "I'm not talking about sex Kazuma, I'm talking about you doing something requires you to do some actual movement on your part" said Aqua.
"I want you to go outside and fix the hole we got in the fence" said Aqua, "Aqua, what is that I tell you, if it's not completely broken, and if there are no consequences, why fix it" said Kazuma.
"Kazuma, the kids are getting older, and are smart enough to realize that your job doesn't consist of you sitting on the couch all afternoon while testing the weight of beer cans while watching American cartoons" said Aqua.
"I mean what kind of example are we setting for our children here" asked Aqua, "Well given how current things are, Naofumi will grow up realizing that the only fate he'll doom himself into marriage is working a back breaking, below minimum wage, unappreciated job that'll only help him edge closer to death, and Naruto will believe that living in a 2 income house implies her having the pleasure of marrying 2 husbands" said Kazuma.
"Come on Kazuma, I mean if you want an example of it being a danger to the family, it serves as an open door for Negi to one day leave us for good" said Aqua.
"Seriously, you're worried for nothing, and I'll show you" said Kazuma as he walked to the front door and opened it wide.
"Come on Negi, come on boy, freedom and it's all yours, and all you got to do is walk out the door" said Kazuma as Negi lied there disinterested, even though his chances of being fed will be increased significantly.
"I rest my point" said Kazuma as he shut the front door, "It's not only that Kazuma, other neighborhood pets have been sneaking in and have been using our yard as a public restroom, so if you're wondering why I'm needing new shoes every week, there's you answer" said Aqua.
"Oh all right, I'll fix the fence over the weekend" said Kazuma in defeat, "Thanks Kazuma. Can I get you an aspirin" asked Aqua.
"No, I don't have a headache or anything" admitted Kazuma, "Good, cause that brings up another chore you've been neglecting for some time now" said Aqua as Kazuma began to recover from his blunder.
"Better make it 6 Aqua" said Kazuma as it was too late to sell it as he fell in Aqua's trap.
"Oh damn fine, might as well get all the dirty work done at once, we'll have sex once I'm done fixing the fence" said Kazuma, "Oh Kazuma" said Aqua as she nuzzled up and kissed him on the cheek.
KonoSuba
2 months have since passed after Kazuma had promised to not only fix the fence, but also have sex with Aqua again.
"Kazuma, when are you going to fix the fence" asked Aqua, "Soon Aqua" said Kazuma dismissively as he was reading the Sunday comics of the newspaper.
"And that other thing you promised" asked Aqua, "When I'm done fixing the fence all right" said Kazuma as this left Aqua feeling more dissatisfied.
"Kazuma, can you please fix the fence already, our cat and doggy doo-doo problem have now escalated into a breading ground for Negi with every cat or dog in the neighborhood" said Aqua.
"That's rich Aqua, you know as well as I do that Negi can't lift his leg to take a piss without tipping over, there's no way in hell he's capable of breeding" said Kazuma.
"Kazuma this is serious, now any minute now our neighbors are going to come in through the door and start complaining to us about Negi any minute" said Aqua.
"Aqua I'm telling you now, you're worrying over nothing, now instead of nagging me here on the couch, why not nag at me while making me sandwich and a root beer" said Kazuma.
"This isn't over Kazuma, also you know I'm making a nice salad for our friends since they're on their way to visit us" said Aqua as if on cue they heard a knock on the door.
"There they are" said Aqua as Kazuma got up to answer the door and let his friends in as they all aged as much as them, but Ozu seemed to be fortunate to keep that babyface of his that he had back in high school.
"Hey guys you will not believe what happened to us, I got to help deliver a litter of these cute little fox kitten hybrids just across the street" said Vanessa, "Yeah, so I recommend letting her clean her hands before we start hugging each other" said Ami.
"You hear that Kazuma, Vanessa had delivered a litter of fox kitten hybrids" said Aqua smugly, "Yeah, though you forgot to hear the part she hasn't washed her hands yet" said Kazuma as he was annoyed by his wife's smug attitude.
"So tell me guys, was it only the neighbors across the street dealing with these cute fox hybrid pets" asked Aqua, "Funny how you should ask, but just about every neighbor is having a cute puppy fox, or kitten fox sell on the street, which I kid you not people all over Japan are tweeting about swinging by to purchase at least one of them" said Brody.
"You hear that Kazuma, everyone is having a sell on fox hybrids across the neighborhood, and it means it's only a matter of time before someone comes here to complain" said Aqua.
"Oh come on now, just because Negi is the only domestic fox in the area, doesn't mean he's guilty of knocking up our neighbors pets, besides even if he was and they're selling like hotcakes, I don't see why not we shouldn't take at least 15% commission sell" said Kazuma.
As fate and his luck would have it, someone was knocking on their front door as Aqua went to answer it.
It was one of their neighbors as he angrily stormed in carrying his Labrador dog in his hands.
"You've done it this time Satou, and this time I demand satisfaction" said Mr. Hajime, "Yeah, well so do I buddy, so take a number" said Aqua.
"I woke up this morning to find what else but that damn fox of yours mounted on top of my prized dog, whom I was saving to be bread with a prized champion dog, but now my plans are ruined thanks to you Satou, because she's been confirmed to be impregnated" said Mr. Hajime.
"So tell me Satou, how do you plan to settle this" said Mr. Hajime as he was willing to take them all to court, which of course meant that this would severely bring the Satou family closer to the poorhouse.
"If I could interject here, how about we settle this in a way we're all happy, since Negi here has been screwing around with every household pet in the neighborhood, I think the most sensible thing to do is take him to the vet and get him neutered, that way we won't risk having Negi impregnate your dog or anyone else's for that matter, and return you don't sue my buddy" said Ozu.
"I can settle with that, but mark my words Satou, I don't ever want to see your fox near my dog ever again, and while we're on the subject, keep that demon daughter of yours away from my son" said Mr. Hajime.
"I'm sure she was just loaning him one of her dresses to match that purse your wife bought your son was all" said Kazuma as he got the last laugh and watched his neighbor walk out in a huff.
"Sweet crisis averted, how about we crack open some beers to celebrate" said Ozu as Ami went to fetch them all some victory brewskies.
"Well I don't know what to tell you Ozu, other than I wish you were dead" said Kazuma, "Don't mind him, that's him thanking you for saving him 100,000's of yen that would have taken him centuries to make" said Aqua.
"Look I don't care what anyone of neighbors have to say, I am not neutering Negi, since he's innocent until proven guilty" stated Kazuma.
At that moment all the adults watched as Negi lead a corgi and an orange tabby cat up the stairs ready to get their freak on and to prove Kazuma wrong.
"Dad, Negi is in your bedroom having sex on your bed" said Naruto as she rushed from the top of the stair way, "Well do something about it" ordered Kazuma as he saw his little girl rushed back up the stairs to act on his behalf.
In hindsight he should have ordered her to chase them out of his bedroom at the very least, since Naruto decided to turn on the speaker and play 'taste you like yogurt' by Watchymacallit.
Aqua could only blush since that is one of the few songs her and her husband you to play to shake their money makers, as Vanessa and Ozu blushed, Ami was trying to hold in her laughter, Brody just smiled and Kazuma angrily rushed up the stairs to solve the problem himself.
KonoSuba
Emerging from the back yard in a torn shirt and his pants from the knee's down covered in animal feces was Kazuma.
"Ok I finally fixed the wall, and had chased off the rest of the neighborhood cats and dogs since there was a line forming outside the line" said Kazuma.
"Well that fix one of our problems, now all we have to do is set up an appointment to get Negi neutered and our problems will be solved" said Aqua.
"I ain't neutering Negi, yeah I may not wanted him at first, but I kept him because he was a man like his owner and I plan to keep him as a man and not some sort of thing or freak of nature" said Kazuma.
"Word of wisdom don't be saying that in public cause you might upset the wrong group of people and get Twitter shamed for the rest of your life" said Vanessa.
"People are still using Twitter" asked Brody, "Yeah, especially since Elon Musk decided to sell the company back to the Pulte family, now no one has to pay to be verified, they just need to amass a huge group of followers again" explained Ozu as they all began to download their old Twitter accounts again.
"Question are people using Tumblr again" asked Ami, "Servers shut down years ago about a month after Facebook finally pulled the plug" said Vanessa.
"And yet Myspace remains active" said Brody, "Bruh, Myspace is awesome" said Kazuma.
"Now hold on we're getting distracted here, Kazuma what are going to do about Negi" asked Aqua, "Nothing, cause there's nothing that needs to be done to him" said Kazuma.
"Kazuma, your neighbor said he won't sue so long as you get Negi neutered" said Ozu, "Which once again, thank you for reminding me why I want to punch you in the gut" said Kazuma.
"Kazuma you're being rude to Ozu, besides you're really doing Negi a favor, they say all domestic pets, once they're neutered, live long, are more calmer, and affectionate" said Vanessa.
"More affectionate you say" asked Aqua out loud as she went back to making their group salad as she began to chop the head off a large cucumber.
"I don't care, Negi is, will always be a man, and frankly speaking the thought of him losing his nuts would terrify any man who values their man hood" argued Kazuma.
"Come on Kazuma you're being ridiculous, no way is he going to notice anything one their gone" said Aqua as she picked up 2 small radishes by the stem and proceeded to snip them off in front of Kazuma to see.
"I assure you Aqua that is the one thing any man would notice to worry about if they went missing" said Kazuma.
"You're being dramatic, but before you get him neutered, mind asking Negi to give you some pointers in the bed" asked Aqua as their friends began to turn their heads away.
"Well from what I've managed to briefly see was that neither the cat or dog were barking him instructions on how to do it" said Kazuma, "Well I wouldn't have to if you'd look at the charts I left hanging in the bathroom" said Aqua as this cringy moment was the final nail in the coffin for their friends to presently sit down and hear their drama.
"And that's my cue to bounce" said Brody, "I'll text you guys the number of the local vet that I know" said Ozu, "Well hold on, at least let me pack you guys some of this salad to go" said Aqua.
"And Ozu, sit your butt back on the couch so I can open your eyes" said Kazuma as the 2 sat on the couch with Negi resting his head on Ozu's lap.
"All right Kazuma, shoot" said Ozu as he was just entertaining his friend at this point, "I would if you weren't my friend and if the gun laws in this country wasn't so strict" said Kazuma.
"Come on Ozu, you, me, and Negi here are both guys, were put on this earth to strive and conquer anything, while enjoying all the vices that the world has to offer, then we got married and so all that is over" said Kazuma.
"That's why I have Negi here, he get's to live the life of what we married man can only wish we could have again, he doesn't have to bathe, he doesn't have to change his clothes, and he's got a new bitch or pussy to fuck every night, I mean just look at him and tell me, if you weren't in my shoes, you wish you could've had his life at this moment" said Kazuma.
"Well Kazuma I don't mind bathing or changing my clothes, other than that Negi is essentially living the life of every males hentai harem protagonist that I too envy" said Ozu as he now felt guilty for throwing Negi out in the middle of the road.
"Yeah, didn't you seek him running up the stairs with that corgi and tabby just now" said Kazuma, "You, you're one lucky bastard to enjoy an interspecies threesome don't you boy. What the hell am I saying, this is a fox" said Ozu as he snapped to his senses.
"Fine be that way, but I dare you to look at my fox dead in his eyes to kiss his nuts goodbye, like a man who doesn't cross his legs while sitting down, cause he knows deep down he's a blue pilled beta male who should have his nuts cut off" said Kazuma as he got Ozu to uncross his legs.
"I don't sit with my legs crossed, and I am not a blue pill beta male, I'm completely based and red pill" said Ozu in his defense as he got up from the couch and finally left the Satou residence with the rest of their friends.
KonoSuba
"Ok Kazuma, the appointment has been set up, and the only thing you have to worry about is taking him to see the vet on time, which is at 10 am sharp next morning" said Aqua as Kazuma sat on the couch with Negi resting his head on Kazuma's lap.
"He knows Aqua, just look at him, his face says it all" said Kazuma sympathetically as he patted Negi's head, "Kazuma, he doesn't know, and besides that face of his is the same as everyone else's when they look at us when they want to say 'that poor, poor woman'" said Aqua.
Ignore her boy, no understands you better than me, better than… Naruto" said Kazuma as he had a last minute epiphany.
"That's it Aqua, you and I have been approaching this matter wrong this whole time since it's not up to me, it's not up to you if Negi get's neutered, it's up to Naruto. Naruto get you butt down here front and center young lady!" shouted Kazuma as the little blonde blur rushed down the stairs to greet her parents.
"What's up daddy" asked Naruto as Kazuma looked at Aqua to ask the ultimatum question that'll change the future as to how Negi will live.
"Naruto, is it all right if we get Negi here neutered tomorrow" asked Aqua, "Sure" said Naruto before she ran back up the stairs, leaving her father betrayed.
"Well now that, that's settled Kazuma, how about we go upstairs together and do the other little thing you've long since promised me" said Aqua with a flirtatious smile.
"In a minute Aqua, I want to spend my last night with my whole fox" said Kazuma as this got Aqua to frown once more, "Fine" said Aqua in a huff before she walked her way upstairs.
"There's a woman for you Negi, all day it's hack'em off, hack'em off, hack'em off, then come night time it's all you and me are a couple of mammals, let's do what they do on the discovery channel" said Kazuma.
"I'm sorry boy, I really tried my hardest" said Kazuma as he gently kissed Negi on the head before passing out on the couch.
In Kazuma's dream he was fantasizing what his life is set to be with Negi after the operation.
"Negi come here boy, daddy's home" called Kazuma as he spotted Negi, or rather a version of Negi who stood up straight wearing a white wife beater and a pair of blue boxer briefs, sounded like Vegeta when he talked, and stood as tall as his master as he was pulling a bear out the fridge for himself.
"Come on boy, you're still not upset at me are you" asked Kazuma as Negi growled at him before begrudgingly sat next to his less then appreciated master.
"Hey is there enough beer for me" asked Kazuma, "No, my idiot master blew his beer money on getting my nuts chopped off" said Negi as he could hear genuine cat calls and dogs barking outside.
"Sorry ladies, but I ain't the man I used to be" shouted Negi outside, "Come on boy, it's not that bad, how about we got outside for a walk" asked Kazuma trying to cheer his dog up.
"Yeah, so every dog and cat in the neighborhood can enjoy seeing my shame at full display when I lift my leg up to use the hydrant" said Negi.
"Hey how about instead we go take a trip to the next town over and play some airsoft with the other guys and their pets" said Kazuma, "Nah, I'm not into sports anymore, though I would be down to attend either a Lady Gaga or Ricky Martin concert" said Negi as Kazuma visibly cringe over attending either show.
"Come on boy, is there anything I can do to cheer you up" asked Kazuma sympathetically, "No you can't Kazuma, there's nothing you can do to make up for my shame" said Negi angrily.
"Come on boy, I really tried to help you, I did" said Kazuma, "I know you did, and that's what makes it so upsetting to me, that my master who claims to be the man of the house couldn't use his authority or any other underhanded means to keep me a man just like him, though I guess in ironic twist me losing my nuts is a more than perfect reflection of how my master lost his during his marriage" said Negi as he got up from the couch as he headed towards the door.
"Where you going boy" asked Kazuma, "I'm going to the other side of town and have some Alpha dominate me, maybe I can finally find some pleasure in that" said Negi as he opened the front door as he was greeted by the sight of both a Xenomorph and a Predator outside as they viciously eyed Kazuma.
"He's all yours fella's" said Negi as he let these interplanetary killers inside to have their way with Kazuma, in a fate just as bad as having sex with his wife.
"Negi!?, Negi, please help me boy! I'm sorry!" cried Kazuma in terror as both beings began to rip him to shreds, before Kazuma finally woke up from the nightmare as Aqua came walking down the stairs.
"All right Kazuma, you're awake now, now I'm gonna get his leash and you better take Negi to the vet" said Aqua as she walked into the kitchen.
Turning his head to the floor, Kazuma saw the look of his fox staring deep into his soul as he had on last plea, one last chance to save his fox.
You know what you have to do, said Negi as Kazuma painfully shut his eyes and nodded his head in agreement before getting off the couch.
"You look beautiful this morning Aqua" said Kazuma as this got Aqua to stop in her tracks, "Thank you Kazuma" said Aqua as she felt flattered beyond words since it's been a life time since her husband complimented her.
"Why not go upstairs and I'll meet you in just a minute" said Kazuma, "For what" asked Aqua, "For it Aqua, for sex, I'm in the mood".
"Then let's not waste any time, you can take Negi to the vet next week, that is if you're not busy next week" said Aqua with heart shaped pupils as dropped the dog leash.
"Sounds like a date" whimpered Kazuma as he doomed himself for at least 1 day of sex out of his week for the next few months.
As Aqua began to rush up the stairs and undo the buttons of her shirt, Kazuma stood there and looked down at Negi as he began to pant with his tongue and happily wag his tail towards his master.
"You owe me for this one boy" said Kazuma before walking up the stairs to face the music, which is ironic as Kazuma can hear Aqua playing 'taste you like yogurt' once more in the last 24 hours.
Dear god, help me now, please, whimpered Kazuma as his day would end once he walked into the bedroom and close the door behind him shut.
How's it going guys, I want to thank you all again for your continued support, I know it's been some time since my last update, but a lot has happened, and in this quarter especially since there's anime to watch, and a whole bunch of games being released, not to mention currents games that have their usual seasonal update around this time of year, so yeah I've been busy with both properties.
I can't guarantee a faster release date for this story any time soon since there's other fic's whom I need to balance out my attention towards before the release of the new RWBY game which'll come out in like 2 weeks from now along with the River City Girls 2, and Turbo Kid video game, all set to be released around this quarter.
I can however guarantee, for those who are following my other fic's on this account, a Christmas chapter update on my KonoSuba X MonMusu, which'll mainly be a one shot lemon stand alone, so be sure to look forward to that.
Until next time, be safe, be good people, and please support your local fandom communities.
This has been your Humble Narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3