Brittany's feelings about Santana were difficult for her to understand at first, because they were the most complex and profound feelings she had ever felt for any other living thing….ever. She understood her love for her family, because it was simple. They were the people she was born to love. The people who understood her and accepted her and who she could trust to be there no matter what. But she felt that way about Santana as well. She understood her love for Lord Tubbington, because it too was simple. She loved him because he always listened to her, he never judged her, and he thought she was the greatest person ever. But she felt that way about Santana as well. She understood her love of dance, better than she understood all the rest. She loved to dance because it made her feel free and alive, like she was invincible, and could conquer the world. She could be whoever she wanted, say whatever she wanted and it would be beautiful. But she felt that way around Santana as well. It was amazing to her that one person could make her feel what three completely separate things did, all at the same time, but it also confused her. It confused her, because Santana was a lot of things that Brittany typically didn't like. She was rude, judgemental, arrogant, and had an amazingly short temper, which she never hesitated to take out on other people. Usually, when confronted with just one of those character traits, Brittany kept a safe distance. People like those were selfish, cruel and cold, and she never wanted anything to do with them. But then there was Santana, who treated Brittany like the only person on earth. She texted and called her every free chance she got, just to check if Brittany wanted to talk. She went along with all her theories about unicorns and elves, made her feel like every thought she had was the most ground breaking notion anyone had ever come up with, and protected her from anyone who thought otherwise. Clearly she wasn't cold and evil. She was beautiful, and thoughtful and so, so sweet, and those things, even though Brittany knew they shouldn't, outweighed any of the negatives. They more than outweighed them, they made them morph into things that Brittany actually found….endearing. Like when a baby's only word for the day is no, and everyone finds it funny, or when a child tells someone they're fat or ugly, and everyone just laughs because 'kids are brutally honest dude'. That's how Brittany saw all of Santana's 'flaws'. They were a part of her personality that made her the loving girl that she was to Brittany.
In the end, she learned to accept this about her love for Santana. To stop trying to understand it and just embrace it, but in the beginning, she spent many nights wondering what that said about her. Wondering if her morals were changing, if she was being selfish and refusing to see Santana for who she was because she liked the attention, or if she was too judgemental before, by cutting people out of her life for behaving in ways she couldn't understand. Santana was bitchy. That was a fact. Brittany loved Santana. That was another fact. On their own, those facts were easy for Brittany to wrap her head around. It was the fact that she loved that Santana was bitchy, that was hard for her to reconcile with herself.
"What are you thinking so hard about Brittany Pierce?" Mike asked, dropping down next to Brittany on the track.
"Why do you think I'm thinking hard? What if I was just thinking a medium amount?" she asked, stretching out her previously crossed legs.
"Oh you know, just the fact that your eyebrows are so heavily furrowed you look like you have a unibrow."
Brittany touched her eyebrows, looking down at the dirt. "How would my eyebrows get in the ground?"
Mike frowned at her. "Uh…What?" Brittany stared at him, not understanding his question. "Um…okay. Sooo what are you thinking about?"
Brittany pursed her lips, knowing she had just misunderstood something, but having no idea what it was because Mike, just like everyone else, was too uncomfortable to point it out. Her thoughts, as they always did, returned to Santana. She always spoke to Brittany like an actual person, asking her to explain what she meant so that she could tell her what she'd mixed up.
"Can I ask you a question?" she asked Mike, ignoring his question.
"Sure Britt of course."
"Right, but if I ask you this question, promise to answer it honestly, no matter how you think I'll react?"
Mike frowned, but nodded. "Yeah."
"Okay." She looked down at her hands. "What do you think of Santana?"
"What? Uh…as in, as a girlfriend?"
"No" she said quickly. "No way. Wait…do you think about her like a girlfriend?"
"No Britt" Mike shook his head. "She's hot, but no. I don't think we get along well enough for that." Brittany turned to look at him.
"Right. She's hot." She nodded twice. "But what do you think of her?"
"I still don't understand what you mean"
Brittany sighed. "It's not that hard to understand. I think you're a great dancer, a nice person, a little afraid to be singled out, to make mistakes and to fail, but when it matters you're the kind of guy who can stick with your morals. You're an awesome friend, a bit of nerd but also cool. You won't be bullied into doing something you don't want to do, but, and I don't mean to be rude, you're a little weak."
Mike's eyes widened, shocked by Brittany's confession. After a while, he broke into a smile.
"Alright I get you. Well, Santana is…she's strong, passionate, definitely won't let herself be bullied."
"Mike" Brittany said seriously, "you said you'd be honest."
Mike looked down. "Dude, I don't get what good this is going to do. Isn't she your best friend?"
"Yeah" Brittany shrugged. "So what? She's my best friend, so obviously you know what I think of her, I'm asking what you think of her. Do you not want to answer?"
"No, I just didn't understand. So you won't get mad?"
"No."
"Okay. Well, I think she's really rude, and mean to people." He stopped to gauge Brittany's reaction, but she was looking down at the floor. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I think she has a bad attitude all the time, and is always disrespectful. To teachers, her parents, other people's parents, her friends, strangers….it doesn't matter who. I think she's hot, and knows she's hot, and uses it to make other people feel shit about themselves, or to manipulate them. I also think she doesn't care about anyone but herself." He finished, taking a deep breath and wondering where all those words came from. Brittany nodded slowly, still not looking at him.
"So you think she's a horrible person?"
Mike took a second to think before answering. He knew Brittany. Not well, but they had basically dated for a few months, and he picked up some things. Something was bothering her right now, and though he couldn't be sure, it seemed to be related to Santana. He had never really understood how Brittany and Santana became best friends. It made no sense no matter how it was looked at, yet, they were inseparable.
"No Britt, I don't"
Brittany looked up quickly.
"But-"
"She's your best friend."
"I told you not to sugar coat your answer."
"I'm not. Britt, you are one of the nicest people I've ever met. You never raise your voice, you don't cuss, and you're always smiling. You talk to literally anyone, regardless of what club they're in or how popular they are, and you'd just as readily hang out with your 6 year old sister and watch Disney movies as go out to a party with your friends."
"What does this have to do with Santana being my best friend?"
"The fact that you put up with her at all, tells me that there's a side to Santana that we aren't seeing. There's something that we, and you, and maybe even she, doesn't know about, that made her the way that she is. Santana is…a lot. All of the things that I said before are true. But I think that her being friends with you, choosing you as the one exception to her general behaviour, tells me a lot about her. It tells me that maybe the Santana we all think we know, isn't the only Santana there is."
Brittany turned away from Mike, not wanting him to see the truth in her eyes. She definitely knew that there was a lot going on with Santana that she didn't ever address. A lot she was in denial about, and a lot she was scared of. It had never occurred to her that there could be multiple sides to Santana. That both versions of her best friend could exist at the same time.
"So no Brittany, I don't think Santana is a horrible person. I just think that she wants us to think that she is."
As she was thinking over what Mike just said, she saw Santana walking out of the school building with Quinn and the other cheerios. Brittany wasn't with them because she had skipped her class. She never understood what was going on in it even when she was paying attention, and she needed time to think. She watched Santana make a snarky comment to one of the other cheerleaders, Quinn laughed, and Santana just kind of smirked. Brittany could tell that she wasn't particularly proud of the comment by the bored look in her eyes. It was like she'd spoken more out of obligation, than a genuine desire to speak, and Brittany knew she had that look more often than not. Maybe Mike had a point. Maybe Santana felt like she had to be hard and hateful in order to survive the environment she was in. It would make sense for her, considering she was practically being raised by her abuela, a hard, scary woman Brittany had met a few times and never really looked forward to meeting again. It was what Santana knew, and she was just doing her best. That would also explain why Brittany loved that about her. She loved it, because even though the way she was acting was…not ideal, she was still being herself. Her personality was strong and confident, and though she may be overdoing it, that was what she was trying to maintain despite her fear and uncertainty.
Brittany smiled. There was nothing wrong with loving that about Santana. Nothing at all. Besides, why should she care about the feelings of people she barely liked, more than the feelings of the girl she was pretty sure she was in love with?
"Thanks Mike" Brittany said, standing up.
"Where are you going?"
Brittany ignored him, grabbing her bag and heading towards Santana, who had already spotted her and was smiling.
"Hey S"
"Hey B. Where have you been all day?"
"I came to school late and I skipped class. Why?" She took a step closer, "Miss me?"
Santana stopped walking to allow the rest of the group to move ahead and out of earshot. She scowled at Quinn, who was looking back at them, trying to loiter. Quinn rolled her eyes and jogged to catch up with the other girls.
"Yeah actually" Santana said, her face losing its previous hardness as she linked pinkies with Brittany. "I did miss you." Brittany smiled, squeezing her pinkie.
"Aww…I missed you too."
Santana looked down at their joined fingers, a sad look on her face, and the next thing Brittany knew she was being embraced tightly. She hugged back. After a few minutes, Santana pulled back.
"You okay?" She asked. Santana shrugged.
"Nothing I'm not used to."
Brittany nodded. "Well…wanna come over today?" over the past year, that question had acquired a second meaning. She hadn't meant it that way, but when Santana looked at her with a smirk and winked, she couldn't help but be grateful of the change.
"Yeah B, I'd love to."
Santana had probably memorised Samantha's office by now. She knew everything hanging on the walls, what all the paintings looked like, what all the certificates and degrees were for, how many rocks were in the glass she had on the table by her chair, and how many spirals there were on the carpet. She'd studied the room in great detail over her past two sessions, needing to look anywhere but at Samantha. She knew if she looked into the calm, understanding eyes of the psychiatrist she would probably walk out. She hated that look. It wasn't exactly pity, but it held an air of… 'I know you're suffering, let me help you' that Santana hated.
"Santana?"
Santana sat back, resting her back against the couch cushions and crossing one leg over the other. She watched her foot swing as she jiggled it, admiring her heels like she wasn't the one who'd bought them.
"Santana?"
"What?"
"Do you remember how you felt the first time you went to throw up your lunch?"
Santana clenched her jaw. Some of these questions seemed stupid to her. Samantha was supposed to be a highly educated therapist, who'd worked with hundreds of patients before Santana. It seemed she should know what someone had to be feeling to consider sticking their fingers down their throat.
She shrugged.
"The usual."
"And what's that?"
"I was a cheerleader. Have you ever seen the uniforms cheerleaders wear?"
"Sure" Samantha nodded. "Cute little skirts and ribbons in their hair."
Santana narrowed her eyes. "Do I look like I wore ribbons in my hair?"
Samantha smiled but didn't answer.
"You think the skirts are cute?"
"Sure. That's what they're supposed to be right?"
"Yeah. Would you wear them?"
Samantha put down her pen and cocked her head.
"I suppose not."
Santana nodded.
"They're sexy. They're supposed to make us look…alluring, while we dance around and shake pompoms. I was hella sexy in that outfit."
"Okay?"
"Our coach was the devil incarnate. She used to motivate us by yelling insults…I don't know" Santana shook her head. "She was horrible."
"Did you ever insult you?"
Santana scoffed.
"What kind of question is that?"
"Okay." Samantha sat forward. "How about this. Did any of her insults ever get to you?"
Again, a stupid question, but rather than point that out, Santana turned to look around the room, hoping to find something new to distract her.
Did any of Coach Sue's insults get to her, a teenager in her most insecure and formative years, who already had a grandmother that had raised her with insults? She was a prime target for Sue Sylverster. The perfect girl to tear down and reshape how you saw fit. You want a cheerleader that can fit into the smallest size uniform? All you had to do was compare her to other girls slightly bigger than her. Tell her she was on the way to fat hanging out of her shirt. She'd be skinny by the end of the week.
"Did you look up to your coach?"
"Hell no." Santana replied immediately. "She was a hateful bitch."
"From what you've told me, you were a hateful bitch."
"Yeah well, it wasn't exactly my most endearing quality was it?"
"What changed you?"
Brittany. Brittany got Santana to see that she could be happy. Slowly, and it did take years, Brittany got Santana to stop seeking for other people's approval. That she was who she was, and who she was, was awesome. Brittany changed everything.
She smiled. "My wife."
"Brittany."
"Yeah."
"How?"
How? Santana wasn't even sure. Something about Brittany was so genuine that it forced Santana to be so as well. She wasn't cruel, she wasn't angry or spiteful. She didn't really care what other people were doing, how their lives were going. She just lived in her own world, doing what she wanted. Santana had been captivated by that.
"She just….I guess she was a different voice."
"Different?"
"Yeah. Everyone in my life was saying one thing, expected me to be one way, and Brittany just…She didn't have any expectations, I don't think. She just…" Santana's smile grew. "She was just happy to know me."
Samantha nodded. "It can often be freeing to have someone in our lives who expects nothing from us. We don't feel like we can disappoint them, whatever we do, and that gives us room to just be. To express our thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement."
Yeah Santana thought. That was what Brittany gave her. Freedom.
Santana woke up to kisses being plastered all over her face. She smiled, though she tried to hide it, finally letting it break through at Brittany's giggles.
"I know you're awake" Brittany said. Santana shook her head. Brittany kissed her softly on the lips. "Are you awake now?" Santana shook her head again. Brittany kissed her more deeply, letting her tongue moisten Santana's lips. Santana tilted her head, wanting to deepen the kiss, but Brittany pulled back.
"What about now?" Santana's eyes fluttered, but she squeezed them shut, shaking her head again. Brittany giggled. When she kissed her this time, she wasted no time in forcing her tongue into Santana's mouth. They barely kissed for five seconds before they had to stop. Both smiling too much to keep it up.
"I love you" Santana whispered, her smile bigger than Brittany could ever remember it. Her heart swelled. She didn't think she'd ever get used to hearing Santana say those words, or kissing her just because, all without flinching, or looking around to see who was watching. Sure, she still did those things sometimes, but Brittany could see that she was trying. She would look around, but she wouldn't let go of Brittany's hand, or she would pause, but she would continue with the kiss. She didn't avoid it when Brittany initiated PDA, and she was calling Brittany babe more often than she said her name. Brittany loved it. It was all her little sophomore heart's dreams come true.
"I love you too." Brittany placed a soft kiss on Santana's lips again, then jumped up off the bed.
"Hey where are you going?" Santana complained.
"It's one in the afternoon."
"We slept at five in the morning."
Brittany looked at her with a frown. "I don't understand."
"Britt! It's summer. We don't have to be anywhere, we have the house to ourselves, we slept late…"
"Ah, you want to spend the whole day in bed."
"Ding ding ding!"
"Maybe tomorrow"
"Why not today?" Santana sat up fully. Brittany smiled. "What?"
"You're just really cute."
"Can you please pick another word? Hot. Sexy? Smoking?"
"You are all those things, but right now with your hair all messed up and nose wrinkled up, you're just cute." Santana tried to frown, but couldn't bring herself to be genuinely upset. She was just so happy right now that nothing else even mattered. Last year it had seemed impossible that she and Brittany would be in this place. True, she didn't know whether they were dating or not, but they both weren't dating other people, and she and Brittany had been spending a lot of intimate time together since they got back from New York. A lot of romantic, one-on-one time that she would classify as dates. But she wasn't sure, and she was too scared to ask. Last time she had told Brittany she wanted to be with her, she'd been rejected, and no amount of explaining the reasons behind the rejection were going to make it hurt any less. For now, she liked where they were at, and she was perfectly fine to keep things that way.
"Okay, let's talk about that when I'm not smiling like an idiot"
Brittany giggled, shaking her head and walking to the door. "Okay"
"You still haven't given me a reason why we can't stay in bed all day."
"We have the glee club pool party"
Santana frowned. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You agreed to it"
"No I did not. I would never agree to go to a glee club pool party. Not over summer and definitely not after the epic failure that was New York."
"Well…you didn't. You said you'd host it."
"WHAT?" Santana got out of bed. Brittany took a moment to admire how she looked in just an oversized shirt. "Brittany?!"
"Last week, Rachel called and said she wanted to plan a glee kids' get together. She said it had been almost two months since we saw each other, and that it was important for any team that wants to win to spend time together and bond." Santana rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you rolled your eyes just like that."
"Brittany, I would never have agreed to anything the hobbit suggested."
Brittany smirked. "I guess you could say you were slightly distracted." Santana's eyes widened as she remembered.
"That was when you were…" Brittany nodded, smiling cheekily. "You traitor!"
"I got her to change it to a pool party instead of a Broadway themed something or other. You're just the only one with a pool."
"Quinn"
Brittany suddenly looked sad. "She's still kind of…I don't know. She dyed her hair, did you see?"
Santana burst out laughing. "Who do you think bought the dye?"
"Santana really?" Brittany said angrily. Santana sobered immediately.
"No B. I was just kidding." Brittany relaxed.
"That's not funny. I'm really worried about her"
"Fabitch will be fine. She's just crying out for attention. Trust me, she'll hang out with those skanks or whatever, for a week tops, then she'll get bored, realise she looks like shit and dye her hair back."
"You don't know that. I heard she's dating some thirty year old guy. The one who hangs out at the skate park I think. Maybe we should talk to her."
Santana cringed at this new piece of information, hoping that it was just a rumour. "Everyone has a right to spin out sometimes B. She's been through a lot. Honestly it's overdue"
Brittany sighed. "Fine"
"Excellent. When she decides to stop being crazy, I'll be the first in line with the soap."
"Okay Santana."
"Do you think she's a natural blonde? I mean your blonde and her blonde are different. You're definitely a blonde, hers has to be fake right?" Brittany shook her head, moving to Santana's wardrobe, where she had a few clothes. "I know you agree with me, you're just too nice to say it."
"Santana, I hate to break it to you, but I don't spend a lot of time contemplating the authenticity of Quinn's hair colour."
"Okay but, hear me out" Santana said, kneeling on the bed. Brittany held up a neon green bikini, asking Santana's opinion. "Totally hot." Brittany nodded. "We all thought we knew Quinn right? Then boom, apparently she used to look completely different and everyone was shocked out of their minds. Well…you all were, Puck and I always knew about Lucy caboosy"
"You never told me"
"I never told anyone." Santana shrugged.
"That's interesting" Brittany mused, holding up a Pink bikini.
"I prefer the green. It's bright and looks better with your skin tone." Brittany nodded. "Why is that interesting?"
"Well…you and Quinn didn't exactly start off as best friends. Why wouldn't you tell people, to you know…Get a leg up?"
Santana shrugged again. "I'm a bitch, but not the devil, despite the nickname."
Brittany smiled, lifting another bikini. This one was maroon. "Oh I like that one."
"You mean you're not a bad person."
"Whatever."
"Will you please get out of bed? People are going to be here soon."
Santana groaned, falling back onto the bed. "I don't want to do this Brittany"
"Why not? I know you like the glee kids."
"Yes. Okay fine. Wheezy is great and Sam and Kurt are bearable, but that doesn't mean I want to have them in my house. This summer is supposed to be about us, you know…getting back to us." Brittany smiled, coming to kneel on the bed in front of Santana. "Having fun, letting go of the stress of last year and being free. That's what I wanted this summer."
"We can still do that"
"Yeah. But I don't want to spend time with those judgemental people. They all have opinions and stupid jokes and Puck-"
"Stop" Brittany said forcefully, cringing. Of all the people to talk about, Puck was not one of them. She had spent at least two years being jealous of him, spending countless hours trying not to imagine Santana and Puck together. Obviously the issues Santana was having with Puck at the moment were not sexual in nature, but she still didn't really want to hear it. Santana was staring at her, wide eyed. "Okay, let me ask you this. How are you going to grow to like the glee kids, if you don't ever spend time with them? If the only time you interact with them is glee club when they're fighting for solos and being obnoxious?"
Santana had to give it to her. She made a good point.
"Fine. But promise you'll keep them off me."
"Why would any of them be on you?" Brittany said, sounding slightly annoyed.
"I just meant" Santana said, smiling, "that you'll take me away when they start annoying me. I'm not in the mood to fight today"
"That's good" Brittany laughed. Santana nodded. "What kind of mood are you in?"
"Come back here and I'll show you" Santana said, wriggling her eyebrows.
Brittany giggled, bowing her head. Santana sat up, pulling her down onto the bed and sitting on top of her. She snaked her hands up Brittany's shirt.
"No Santana" Brittany said, though it sounded more like a moan to Santana. She ignored her, getting her hands into position. Brittany's eyes snapped open. "NO" she said again, far more seriously. Santana grinned mischievously. Before Brittany could react, Santana was tickling her sides mercilessly.
Eventually, Brittany was able to break free and get out from underneath Santana. She had her pinned underneath her, and was breathing heavily. It took a few minutes for both their laughter to die down. When it did, Brittany leaned down and kissed Santana deeply.
"I was not expecting that" she said when they broke apart.
"Yeah, cause you think my mind lives in the gutter."
"Please. Don't try and tell me that wasn't your first thought."
Santana shrugged as best she could. "We're supposed to be getting ready for a party Brittany. Stop trying to distract me."
It was almost an hour before the two managed to get out of bed, shower and get ready. By that time the glee kids had already arrived. All besides Puck, and Quinn, who was not coming.
"I don't know how you convinced me to let Artie, Finn and Rachel anywhere near my house." Santana complained, staring at her door like a feral dog was behind it. Brittany smiled, picking both her and Santana's towels and draping them round the back of her neck. She turned to look at Santana.
"It really wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get you to agree. I thought I'd have to make all kinds of promises…practically sell my soul to you." Santana narrowed her eyes playfully. "Guess you're already whipped."
For a few seconds, Santana's heart stopped beating. If Brittany thought she was whipped, did that mean she thought they were dating? Because if that were the case nobody had told her!
Brittany couldn't help smirking at the look on Santana's face. She was very aware of the fact that they hadn't defined their relationship, but that was on purpose. At least on her part. Twice in the past she had pushed Santana for answers…for more, and she had almost lost everything both times. This time, she was not taking any chances. She didn't need the whole world to know what was really going on between them in order to be satisfied. Spending months on the rocks with Santana, a large portion of that time not even being able to talk to her had taught her that lesson. She would much rather have all of Santana in private, than not at all.
"Santana….Brittany? Are you guys up there?"
"Are they even here?"
"Maybe this isn't actually Santana's house, and she actually sent us here to get murdered or something."
"That's Rachel's thing."
"Tina!"
Santana rolled her eyes, sighing heavily as she heard the voices of Rachel, Tina and Mercedes.
"No, this is her house" they heard Finn say. "I've been to a party here before."
"Guess that's our queue" she said heavily. The little excitement she had managed to muster up for this afternoon was now completely gone. It was hard to be psyched about spending your time with people who hate you and see you as nothing more than the devil. Granted, this is the image she had carefully cultivated over the past three years, but it wasn't so much that they thought that, as having to be around them enough to realise just how much they truly believed it that bothered her.
"Please behave" Brittany said, opening the door. Santana rolled her eyes again.
"This is my house, it is summer and last year sucked. I am going to act however I want to"
"Just don't make anyone cry."
Santana was cut off from replying as a few wolf whistles alerted her to the fact that they were at the bottom of the stairs. Tina and Mercedes were in one pieces, both wearing a baggy shirt over it. Rachel was in a pink bikini with gold stars on them that made Santana roll her eyes. Kurt was in baby blue board shorts and a white shirt. He had tied a scarf round his neck, was wearing massive sunglasses and was carrying an umbrella and a huge beach bag. Santana rolled her eyes again.
"Let me guess, your beach house is in there?" she asked, pointing to the giant bag. It was precisely these kinds of things that irked Santana so much. Why couldn't these people just be normal? They were the poster children for everything she was afraid of happening when she came out. Yes, it had now moved from an 'if' to a 'when'. People who made their entire personalities about one thing. If there was one thing she hated, it was being put in a box. When she came out, people would expect her to behave a certain way, to look a certain way, to say certain things, and Kurt and Rachel did not help at all. They were completely predictable and boring, as if they were being loud and obnoxious just to make sure people didn't forget they were different.
"Hello to you too Santana" Rachel began. "I want to start off by thanking you for inviting us into your lovely home. I must say that it came as a shock to me when I found out from Tina that Brittany told her you had agreed to this. I am pleasantly surprised-"
"Shut it dwarf" Santana snapped.
"Of course she agreed. Like you said, it's important for us to bond right?" Brittany said quickly, noticing Santana's genuine irritation.
"I'm totally ready for some bonding if I get to do it in that" Mercedes said, pointing to the pool in Santana's back yard.
"This is a really nice house Santana" Tina said, looking around. Santana shrugged.
"Yeah" Kurt agreed. "I thought you lived on the wrong side of the tracks."
"I never really knew how serious you were when you said that, but I am glad to finally know that it isn't true. I mean I've never even heard of Lima Heights adjacent, so clearly you made it up to be intimidating-"
"I didn't make it up hobbit." Santana said, angrily crossing her arms.
Rachel looked around at the others, clearly confused.
"Lima Heights is a real place" Brittany said, taking Santana's hand. "Her grandmother lives there."
"Oh" Rachel nodded in understanding, "but-"
"I'm going to stop you before you say anything about my abuela and I have to kill you. It wasn't on my agenda today."
"No Santana I was merely going to state that when you say 'I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights Adjacent' that it implies you live there, not that you know or are related to someone who does. So technically-"
"Technically, you should stop talking" Tina said, eyeing Santana warily.
"Yeah it doesn't really matter…does it?" Mike asked.
"Of course not. I'm just trying to understand her better."
Santana clenched her jaw, squeezing Brittany's hand. "I did grow up there. My abuela practically raised me."
Everyone was quiet, not knowing how to respond to that. Rachel looked slightly shocked that she had received an honest answer without any snark or insult.
"Anyway" Brittany said. "Should we…" she pointed to the pool. Everyone nodded vigorously, wanting to escape the awkwardness that had set in.
Puck arrived an hour later when the party was in full swing. Mercedes was controlling the music, which they were playing through Santana's speakers. Everyone but Blaine and Santana were in the pool. Kurt was sitting on the edge with his feet dangling in, talking to Tina and Mercedes.
"So I know why I'm not going in, but why aren't you?" Blaine asked, sitting on the pool chair next to Santana's. Santana was staring at Brittany, who was playing some form of water polo with Mike, Sam and Finn. She didn't look away as she answered.
"A bunch of reasons"
"One?"
Santana's jaw clenched as Finn picked Brittany up by the waist.
"I'm supposed to be on my best behaviour"
Blaine laughed. Finally, Santana turned to look at him.
"I didn't know you were going to be here."
Blaine shrugged, turning to look at Kurt. "Kurt asked me to come. I get the feeling he really wants you guys to like me."
Santana couldn't help smiling. "You're not too bad. I like you better than Finn anyway."
Blaine laughed again. "I'll take it."
They were silent for a while, Santana returned to watching Brittany. She was relieved to see that no one was touching her.
"So how'd Brittany get you to agree to this?"
Santana's eyes snapped to him. "What makes you think it was Brittany?"
Blaine eyed her for a moment with an infuriating look of understanding. He shrugged, turning away from her.
"Kurt told me you guys are best friends. Sounds like she's the only one that could have"
Santana smiled. "If you knew Brittany you wouldn't have to ask."
"Well…I look forward to getting to know you all."
Santana cocked her head to the side, looking at Blaine like she was seeing him for the first time. Before she could speak, she was being splashed with water.
"What the-" the anger drained from her quickly as she saw it was Brittany. She was standing in front of her, dripping wet from head to toe and shivering. "Britt!" Santana whined, without any real conviction. She didn't miss Blaine's smile.
Brittany giggled. "Sorry S. But you have to come in" Santana was already shaking her head. "Please?"
"No B. I'll just sit here and watch you. Maybe I'll go help Puck on the grill" they both turned to see Puck talking to Artie by the grill Santana had dug out of the basement.
"You're totally a better griller than him, but no. We're playing a game, and we have to pick partners"
"Oh what game?" Blaine asked. He was ignored.
"I told you I wasn't going to go in the pool cause it'll mess up my hair. You said you were fine with that"
"I was….at the time"
Santana shrugged, laying back on the pool chair. "Well I haven't changed my mind so…sorry" she dropped the shades from the top of her head to cover her eyes. Brittany sighed sadly and walked away. It made Santana feel horrible. If Brittany had pouted it would have been fine. She only ever pouted when she was actually fine and just wanted to get sympathy. Sometimes when she thought no one was looking she'd pout when she was genuinely sad or disappointed, but never in front of people. She didn't like letting people see that they had really upset her. She was like Santana in that way. Santana tried to fight it, but she just couldn't take the way Brittany was trying to pretend she was okay. The fake smiles and laughs…she hated it.
"Urghhh" she groaned, pulling the sunglasses off her face aggressively.
"Woah"
"Shit" Santana jumped. She rolled her eyes as she looked at Blaine. "I forgot you were here."
"Clearly" Santana shot him a look, giving herself an internal scolding. This was one of those things that a girlfriend would do. She should be all over Brittany right now. They were both looking hella hot in bikinis, it was a party with their friends and they were supposed to be letting lose. Why she couldn't just do that was beyond her. "Hey where's-"
Santana stood up abruptly, making Blaine stop talking. "We're going to join that stupid game"
"Uh…no" Blaine said, shaking his head. "I'm not entering that pool."
Santana turned to frown at him. She looked him up and down, trying to guess what the reason behind his refusal was. In seconds her eyes landed on his hair. A sly smirk crossed her lips. Blaine prepared himself, but surprisingly she didn't comment.
"Whatever, then we'll play another game outside the pool."
"Really?" he asked incredulously. "You're not going to ask?"
"I don't need to ask gay boy. It's not rocket science"
"Yeah but…there's no witty comment or stinging insult that'll probably make me insecure for years?"
Santana laughed. "My reputation precedes me?"
"I'm dating Kurt"
Santana rolled her eyes. "These gleeks are too sensitive." Blaine didn't respond. His instincts told him it would be wiser not to confront Santana about the hateful words she spat out. "So are you in or out?"
"I'm in…but just tell me why you're not saying anything. Are you waiting for the perfect time or something?"
Santana rolled her eyes again. "Jeez...you'd fit right into the New Directions. The amount of times I hold my tongue would astound you. Look at these losers…" she brandished her hand. "They provide me with a lot of content to work with."
"I don't understand." Blaine admitted.
"I could make a comment about the obscene amounts of gel in your hair…if it really is gel" Blaine grimaced and Santana laughed. "But I won't. I don't take every opportunity to insult people because it's not the entirety of who I am. Contrary to your boyfriend's opinion, since I know that's what you're basing your ideas of me on, I am capable of having a multi-faceted personality. Just because noticing people's insecurities happens to be a talent of mine, doesn't mean I always point them out. Most of the time the shit I say is obvious and easy targets that are more funny than hurtful. These wimps just can't take it."
Blaine stared at her. "Mhh"
"Besides, I'm trying to get you to do something for me. What benefit would insulting you be?"
Blaine smiled and so did she. Despite not knowing what to make of Santana, Blaine couldn't help thinking that maybe Kurt didn't quite know either.
"Point taken. So what game do you want to play?"
Three hours later everyone was in Santana's living room in dry clothes. Brittany and Santana were curled up under a blanket on one end of a couch, while Tina and Mike were on the other. Puck was sitting on the floor in front of them, Mercedes and Sam were sitting pretty close together on the other couch while Rachel and Kurt took up the rest of the space.
"Hey" Santana said suddenly, cutting through the conversation. "Where's frankenteen?"
"I'd appreciate it if you stopped calling my-"
"I'll call him whatever I want. He's the reason we got 12th place in New York." Rachel hung her head, sighing.
"Where is he actually?" Puck asked. "I haven't seen him in a minute."
"Maybe he went back to Quinn" Santana mumbled. She made sure it was quiet enough that only Brittany heard. Brittany turned and looked at her disapprovingly. Santana shrugged. "Well when he reappears, that'll be the queue for you guys to leave."
"I was actually hoping we could play another game." Artie said. Santana had to actually bite her tongue. Attacking Artie was a sure-fire way for her to piss off Brittany.
"Which one?" Brittany asked.
"Spin the bottle" he said hopefully. Santana grimaced.
"No" Brittany said, shaking her head and leaning back into Santana.
"Oh come on, that's always fun" Puck said.
"I'm nowhere near drunk enough for that" Blaine said.
"That can be arranged" Puck said, wiggling his eyebrows.
"You guys can, but Santana and I are out"
As the rest of the group continued debating, Santana bent down to whisper in Brittany's ear.
"What if I wanted to play?"
"Did you?"
"I could have"
Brittany shrugged. "I'm not going to stop you, but I'm just keeping them off you like you asked."
Santana giggled, knowing that Brittany had slipped up in saying Santana was out. She liked that Brittany instinctively felt the need to remove Santana from the game. It meant she'd get jealous. That she wanted Santana to herself. Exclusively. Like they were dating. She smiled widely, placing a kiss on Brittany's temple quickly. Her eyes were closed as she did it, to stop herself from looking around at who was watching them. Despite the paranoia that was swelling inside her, she was proud of herself. Brittany tilted her head back, beaming at her.
"…Yes okay! I'm gonna be back in five minutes." Puck said, breaking them from their little bubble.
"Where are you going?" Santana asked.
"To get the juice"
"Spin the bottle?" Brittany asked.
"Truth or dare" Sam told her.
Santana rolled her eyes, despite the fact that truth or dare actually sounded like fun.
"Brittany?"
"I'm not going to kiss anyone, or let anyone kiss, lick or touch any part of my body, I'm not taking off any clothes and I'm not answering any questions about me and Santana."
Artie looked at her curiously as Puck frowned, obviously displeased by her list.
"Oh come one…that's most of the fun stuff" he complained. Brittany shrugged. "Are you going to say the same boring shit?" he asked Santana aggressively.
"Pretty much"
"What, are you guys dating now?"
"Just shut up Puck" Kurt said, looking angry. Puck's eyes widened.
"Yeah. They're allowed to say whatever restrictions they want. You don't need to question them about it" Tina said seriously. Puck scoffed, but let it go.
"Okay" Sam said awkwardly, avoiding all eye contact with Santana. "So can we start?"
"Yes let's" Rachel said. "I'd like to begin."
There were no protests. Puck was sulking, and Santana was trying to regain control of her breathing. When Puck had put her on the spot like that, she knew the best response would be a 'fuck you' or 'fuck off' or something else with the word fuck in it, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was trying to be better, and a part of that was not automatically denying her feelings for Brittany. But just because she wasn't going to deny it, didn't mean she was ready to confirm it yet. She told herself her hesitation was because she and Brittany weren't actually dating…yet, so there wasn't anything to confirm, but that wasn't true. She was terrified of what Puck would say when she came out. Would he feel used? Betrayed? Would he be angry or not even take her seriously at all? She wasn't ready to find out.
Puck, as it turned out, managed to find a way to get Brittany into a sexual situation by daring her to do three body shots. Luckily, either he was just a huge pervert or he was an incredibly evil friend, but he dared her to do them off Santana. Kurt, Rachel and Mike had protested, saying Brittany had said she wouldn't do that, but Puck pointed out that she'd only said other people couldn't do it to her. Brittany and Santana had been relatively silent as the debate went on. They both really wanted to do it, but they knew better than to appear overly eager. Finally, Brittany had agreed to do it, claiming to want to move the game along, much to Puck's delight.
Puck picked Santana's stomach, the spot just below her breasts as the place Brittany was to take the first shot from, so Santana lay down and lifted up her shirt. The entire time, she and Brittany avoided each other's eyes. Since Santana had started pretending to date Karofsky, she and Brittany hadn't had sex. They'd made out a lot, but they never lost their clothes. It wasn't something they had agreed on, but somehow they both just felt that it wasn't right. First it was because Brittany was hurt that Santana wouldn't be going to prom with her, then it was because she was pissed at Santana for going with Karofsky, then it was because they both now knew how they felt about each other, and having sex without talking about what it meant was something neither of them could handle anymore. It felt like taking a step back in their relationship. So they just never did it.
When Santana had settled with her shirt neatly tucked over her chest, Brittany moved to straddle her waist. Santana stared straight up at the ceiling, trying hard not to look down as Brittany poured the salt on her stomach. Her muscles were incredibly tense, so much so that she felt like she was shaking. It had been so long since she felt Brittany's tongue anywhere below her neck. She wasn't sure how she was going to react, so she wanted to have as much control over her body as possible. Hence, the tight muscles.
Brittany's heart was racing. Seeing Santana lying beneath her with her exposed bra was a lot sexier than she had anticipated. And she already knew it would be pretty alluring. Santana's stomach wasn't as tight as it used to be, probably since she wasn't in the cheerios anymore, but damn if she didn't look good. Her bra pushed up her boobs, creating an incredibly sexy cleavage, and all Brittany wanted to do was rip it off her. She loved Santana's boobs, probably more than even Santana realised. The only place worse that Puck could have picked for this dare would have been on the nipple. In other words, Brittany was screwed. She swallowed hard, finally ripping her eyes off Santana's chest and taking the lime that Tina was holding out for her.
Santana had her bottom lip in her mouth, biting on it furiously. She could practically feel Brittany's eyes on her, and it was making her skin buzz. This was a horrible idea. There was no way they would be able to do this without everyone knowing how they felt about each other. It just wasn't possible. She nearly jumped as Brittany called her name. Her eyes snapped to Brittany's.
Brittany help up the lime for Santana to see. "I have to put this…"
"Oh…yeah" Santana would have been bright red if her complexion allowed it. Brittany was. Slowly, she opened her mouth, taking the lime between her teeth. God, what was she going to do when it was time for Brittany to take it?
"Okay" Puck said, either oblivious to or enjoying the tension between the two girls. "You ready?"
Brittany nodded. Since connecting, her eyes hadn't left Santana's. If she was going to do this successfully, she was going to need all the strength she could muster. The fear despite the obvious arousal in Santana's eyes gave her that. She wanted Santana to be ready when she came out. For that fear in her eyes to be gone when they kissed in public. For that reason alone, she would control herself.
"Ready?" she asked Santana. If she wasn't, Brittany would not do the dare. If she got even the slightest hint that Santana was not comfortable with this, she would get off her and refuse the dare without hesitation. It didn't matter that Puck would probably make her life a living hell, because her relationship with Santana mattered a million times more. As Santana nodded, Brittany scanned her carefully for a sign that she shouldn't continue, but there was none. She saw fear, which was fear that they would lose themselves in the incredibly sexual action and she'd be accidentally outed, not fear of the dare itself. Other than that, it seemed to Brittany that Santana actually really wanted her to do it.
"What are you waiting for?" Puck asked impatiently.
Taking a deep breath, Brittany bent down till her face was inches from Santana's stomach. She counted to three, repeating to herself over and over the reason she couldn't get carried away, and licked one long line. Santana's sharp intake of breath was just loud enough for her to hear, though she wasn't sure if anyone else did. Other than that, no sound escaped the girl below her.
Santana was focusing hard on two things. Not closing her eyes and not moaning. Her stomach felt like it was on fire as Brittany liked up the salt. She tightened her stomach muscles further and set her jaw as she suppressed a shiver. The pleasure she was feeling was coursing through her whole body like electricity, and her inability to express it was nearly painful.
Finally, Brittany pulled back. She realised that she had been licking for slightly longer than was really necessary, but nobody but she and Santana needed to know that. They would all just think she put too much salt. She sat up quickly knowing if she did it slowly she'd be distracted by Santana's boobs, and took the shot from Puck. As the liquid burned her throat, she bent down again, taking the lime from Santana's mouth.
Santana arched up slightly as she felt Brittany's boobs against her own, but Brittany was so fast that the contact was only for a brief second.
"Whoo!" all the boys save Kurt yelled, as Brittany dropped the lime onto the plate Tina was holding.
"Two more" Finn encouraged. Santana tightened her muscles again, her hands moving to grip the edges of the table. That had been excruciating the first time around. How she was supposed to survive that not just once, but two more times, was unthinkable. Santana had always been an extremely sexual person, so having to resist Brittany had already been too hard. This was pushing her closer to a ledge.
She shivered as Brittany poured more salt on her.
"Hey!" Puck said, pointing. "You can't do it in the same place"
"What?" Brittany asked, frowning.
"You can't do two body shots in the same place." He repeated, as if that was common knowledge. Brittany turned to the others, eyes begging.
"I've never heard that rule before" Kurt said.
"That's because everyone knows that. It never needed to be said."
"You're making that up"
"I'm not. Finn…dude tell them"
Finn looked confused, like he always did. Puck rolled his eyes.
"Just let her do it-"
"No" Puck said, shaking his head. "She's already being super fucking boring with all her rules, I'm not going to go easy on her. Pick another spot, or I will."
Brittany sighed, looking down at Santana. Santana had draped a hand over her eyes, both lips firmly in her mouth. Brittany couldn't tell what she was thinking, or what she wanted to do. Her heart rate picked up once again.
"It's not fucking rocket science, shit" Puck snatched the salt from Brittany's hand and poured some on Santana's chest, just above her collar bone. "There you go."
Brittany saw Santana swallow, but her hand was still over her eyes, so she remained unreadable. Feeling the pressure of everyone watching her, waiting for her to get it over with, Brittany picked another lime and put it on Santana's lips. Santana lifted her hand as she opened her mouth and took the lime. This time she did not look at Brittany. She was struggling to keep herself on the table, and not either run away or sit up and kiss Brittany, so she felt it was best to avoid watching what was about to happen.
Just as Brittany lowered herself to Santana's neck, Puck stopped her yet again.
"Fucking what?" Santana snapped.
"She has to start with what she put on your stomach" Puck said smugly.
"Are you serious Puck?" Tina asked. Everyone seemed to have picked up on the two girls' hesitation by now, except Puck.
"Yes"
Brittany looked down at the salt on Santana's stomach like it was about to attack her. She wasn't sure she was going to be able to do this. She was already seriously turned on, and knowing there was a third time yet to come seemed to make it all harder. She licked her lips, thinking. Santana's chest was rising and falling heavily, which meant she was getting turned on as well, and while Brittany knew she could probably control herself, Santana was notoriously bad at it. She really, really didn't want something to happen that would get their friends asking questions. Moaning, groaning, eyes fluttering shut. These were things that were sometimes really hard to control. Sometimes they just snuck up on you. Sometimes she'd realise her hand was on some part of Santana's body without her even remembering moving it. What if that happened now? Santana's hands were really close to her legs. All she'd have to do was raise them slightly, subconsciously, and she could grab her ass. Seeing the look of impatience on Puck's face, Brittany leaned down.
Santana was equal parts in heaven and in hell. Brittany was licking a lot faster this time, which she assumed was her way of trying not to make it sexual while she got it over with as fast as possible, but it was having the opposite effect. She wasn't taking enough time to swallow in between each lick, so after a while the licks became wetter and wetter. Santana fought hard not to squirm, biting hard on her lip as Brittany pressed particularly hard into her, presumably noticing that her skin was far too wet. Finally, it was over. She let out a long breath. Her relief was short lived however, as instead of sitting up to take the shot, Brittany moved further up, positioning her mouth over Santana's chest.
The breath caught in her throat as she just managed to catch a groan. Her nails dug into the under-side of the table as a bolt of arousal shot straight to her clit. Her breathing instantly picked up and her eyes shut. She couldn't control that. Her neck was always extremely sensitive, and kissing it was one of the sure-fire ways of turning her on. She clenched her jaw painfully as Brittany's tongue slid over her collar bone.
Brittany was beginning to lose it. She could feel Santana's chest rising and falling rapidly beneath her, and the hand she had placed on her stomach to steady herself felt as the muscles tightened every so often. Everything was turning her on so much, and soon she was going to be in serious trouble. She had already accidentally let her nails drag over Santana's stomach, only realising she was doing it when Santana let out a strained breath and grabbed Brittany's wrist.
She was just about to finish, when she once again, made a mistake. It was more muscle memory than anything, and Brittany really hadn't meant to do it, but after one of her licks, she'd allowed her teeth to graze over Santana's collar bone. She always did that when they made out, because it drove Santana mad, so her body had done it instinctively. After all, they had been making out for two years.
Santana shot up, nearly toppling Brittany. That tiny nip Brittany had just placed on her neck was the final straw.
"What are you doing?" Mercedes asked.
"I'm done" Santana replied. She pushed Brittany gently but forcefully, telling her to get up.
Brittany complied immediately. She felt so stupid. Everything was going fine, and then she had to go and mess up. She clenched her jaw and looked down at the ground as Santana got off the table.
"Why?" Mike asked.
"Cause this game is fucking stupid, and I don't want to play anymore okay Asian persuasion?"
"Santana you don't need to-"
"Nobody is talking to you garden gnome, so why don't you keep your beak shut. I said I was done."
Without looking at Brittany, she pulled down her shirt and stormed upstairs. There was a long silence. Nobody really knew what had happened or how they were supposed to react.
"Um…" Blaine said uneasily. He had drifted towards Kurt.
"Yeah Santana's like that" Sam said, though he too looked a bit awkward.
"She's a bitch sometimes" Mercedes said.
"All the time" Artie said, looking sour.
"You don't know what's going on with her" Kurt said, staring after Santana.
"Whatever it is she needs to sort it out" Puck said, frowning heavily.
"I think you guys should leave now" Brittany said quietly. She was staring hard at the floor, trying not to cry.
"Why?" Artie asked. "Just because Santana's got a-"
"No she's right" Kurt said, taking Blaine's hand. "This is her house anyway, we can't exactly hang around here without her."
"But I didn't even get dared to kiss anyone" Rachel complained. Kurt shot her a warning look.
"We're leaving."
Rachel sighed dramatically and stood up. "Fine"
Finn followed her, and soon after that only Mike was left. He walked towards Brittany cautiously.
"You okay Britt?"
Brittany nodded, shying away from the hand he had placed on her back.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Mike had always been a really sweet guy. It was why she had decided to 'date' him in sophomore year. He was genuinely one of the few boys in the entire school who didn't see her as a sexy trophy. They had never even had sex. He just genuinely cared about her, and despite the anxiety and guilt she was currently feeling, she couldn't help smiling. It felt nice to have people care.
She shook her head.
"You sure? I can stay with you if you'd like. Or you could come with me. Tina won't mind."
"No, I'm going to stay. I can't just leave her."
Mike looked at her, clearly choosing his words carefully.
"I know you see something in her that we all don't. Believe me I've known Santana long enough to know there's more to her than meets the eye, but Britt…"
"Don't say it." Brittany snapped. Mike recoiled slightly.
"What?"
"That I'm too good for her, or that she's a lost cause or that I deserve better. Just don't say it. I've heard it all before and I'm sick of it. Everybody thinks they know what either of us deserve better than we do…like they even know anything about our…friendship" Brittany almost broke down in tears as she realised she had just given away too much. In her anger she had forgotten that nobody knew they even had feelings for each other. She sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes to stave off the tears.
"Brittany" Mike moved closer again, putting his hand on her back. Brittany jumped away from his touch, and he sighed. "I wasn't going to say that. If there's anything I'm sure of it's that I don't understand you and Santana. I just think…" he rubbed the back of his head. "I think you shouldn't put her above yourself. She's not the only one in your…friendship, and you're allowed to have feelings too." Brittany looked at him and he smiled. "I don't want you to forget that."
Brittany didn't respond. She understood what he was saying, but she disagreed. She wasn't afraid of coming out or being disowned by her family. She wasn't afraid of being judged by her friends and by strangers and put in a box for the rest of her life. Santana was, and that meant that her feelings mattered more. Besides, telling her not to put Santana first was like telling a mother not to save their child. Inconceivable.
After a few seconds Mike realised she wasn't going to respond, so he pulled her into a quick hug and left.
Brittany sat on the armrest of the couch for a few minutes, composing herself and giving Santana time to calm down. After twenty minutes, she made her way upstairs.
The door opened seconds after she knocked, and she found herself crushed in a tight hug. All her anxiety drained away. The primary thing she had been scared of was Santana being mad at her. That seemed not to be the case, so everything else she could handle.
"I'm so sorry"
"I'm sorry B"
They both said at the same. They giggled.
"Don't be sorry" Brittany said. "It was a lot, and I'm the one who messed up."
"I shouldn't care"
"But you do"
"Yeah" Santana said, ashamed. "I'm really trying."
"I know, but you don't get it." Brittany took both Santana's hands in hers. "You care…and that's all that matters. I shouldn't have…I lost control."
"I would have too" Brittany shrugged. "I don't want you to think I'm moving backwards. I'm really, really trying it just…"
"It was a lot. I know you're trying Santana. I know you are. I see it every day. In everything you do. You kissed me in front of everyone today." Brittany's grin was massive as she remembered the simple kiss Santana had placed on her temple.
Santana blushed. "It wasn't a real kiss."
"But it was." Santana smiled, looking down at the floor. "I'm not in any rush okay? There is no timeline in which you need to…I don't know feel comfortable with everything."
"Really?" Brittany nodded with a small smile. "I'm scared you'll get tired of waiting."
"Never"
The two were silent for a while, both calming down from the day's events.
"I don't deserve you" Santana said quietly.
"Stop"
"It's true"
"No it isn't. Santana you are the most beautiful, amazing, awesome, loving, passionate, strong person I have ever met. You deserve everything in this world." Santana shook her head. "You deserve to be happy."
Santana looked into Brittany's eyes for a second, then moved to sit on the bed.
"They all hate me don't they?"
For a moment, Brittany didn't know who she was talking about, then it clicked. She shook her head.
"They don't hate you."
"They do. It's fine. It's not like I'm overly fond of them or need them to like me."
"They don't hate you Santana" Santana rolled her eyes. "They just don't know you." Brittany sat down next to Santana.
"I don't think I want them to." Santana rested her head on Brittany's shoulder.
"That's okay" Brittany nodded. "Whatever happens…you'll always have me."
Samantha's office was always so quiet. Whenever they would sit in silence, Santana couldn't hear the cars in the street, which made it feel like they were separate. Like when she walked into the office she was removed from time and space.
"Glee club is where you discovered your love for performing is that right?"
Santana nodded.
"But it was full of people you…didn't usual associate with."
"People I hated."
"What did you hate about them?"
What wasn't there to hate? Santana thought. They were loud, obnoxious and not to mention just generally lame. They were always so focused on the rightness or wrongness of someone's character or actions, always worrying about other people but somehow also judging them. Living for drama. They were a lot to handle for someone who more often than not didn't like people.
"They weren't my kind of people."
"But you moved in with them in New York right?"
"Yes."
"So…"
"I guess…we all grew up. I wasn't the same person I was in high school by the time I went to New York. Neither were they."
"Okay." Samantha nodded. "So in high school, there was no point at which you liked them."
Santana sighed. "No. I…they grew on me eventually. Not all of them." She added, raising a finger. "But I got to know some of them and they weren't so bad."
"So you would you say you loved the glee club?"
"By the end?"
"Yes"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Why. Santana could say she loved the Cheerios. She loved being captain of the Cheerios. Loved coming up with routines. But she couldn't say she loved the cheerleaders. She had a few friends yeah, but not like the glee club. There was always the feeling of unease. Like she wasn't safe. At any moment someone could stab her in the back for a chance at captaincy. Any sign of weakness and you could find yourself right back at the bottom of the food chain, dodging slushies to the face.
Glee club, though they were all emotional and ambitious, didn't have that tense atmosphere. Sure, Rachel was annoying, and Santana was sure she would fight you to the death for the chance at the spotlight, but all you would lose was that. The spotlight. There was no fear that your deepest secrets would be revealed, or if they were, since they were all huge gossips, there was no fear that they would be used against you.
"The competition never got nasty. By the end we all admired each other's talent. We grew together, pushed each other to be better and cheered each other on. There was fighting, but it never meant the end of the world. It wasn't anything we couldn't come back from."
"Acceptance and forgiveness." Samantha said. "You'd never had that had you?"
Santana frowned.
"What do you mean?"
Samantha folded her arms together in front of her.
"Your parents weren't around a lot. They worked very busy, very demanding jobs, and so you didn't feel secure in your relationship with them. Your grandmother was, from what you've told me, a very judgemental woman with high expectations of you. So there was no room for failure with her. Same with your cheerleading coach."
Santana nodded.
"So up to this point, all you've known is either you succeed, or you fail. Given your choice of words, I assume that failure on the cheerleading squad meant being replaced by someone gunning for your spot. The competition was eat or be eaten. Am I right?"
"Yes."
"So then the glee club comes along, and there isn't any of that. People fail, quit, fight….but they always come back. They're always given another chance. There are people ready to help you make it back, help you get better."
"Yeah."
"Everyone was accepted as they were, and forgiven countless times for the failures."
How many times had Santana insulted the glee club? Betrayed them to Sue, stabbed them in the back, exposed their secrets. Yet, they always welcomed her back. They were always ready to forget what she'd done and let her back in.
Brittany had said once that the glee club was a family. She'd been too angry at the time to hear it, but it was true. A sometimes dysfunctional one, but a family none the less. And it was thanks to them that Santana made it out of high school. That she was able to look back on her years there and smile. Laugh even.
"Yeah, you're right."
"While you were in the glee club, did you struggle with eating?"
"For a while. In the beginning."
"Do you remember when you stopped?"
Slowly, Santana shook her head.
"No. One day I just…I don't know. I don't think I even realised that I stopped going to the bathroom after lunch. One day I just wasn't doing it anymore."
"Do you know what happened recently, to trigger that urge again?"
They'd been sleep deprived, Santana knew that. They rarely slept through the night, rarely showered, and walked around in clothes they'd been wearing for days, covered in milk or spit up. She hadn't been washing her hair, because when she did get the chance to shower, her arms were too tired to do all that work, and she didn't have the time anyway.
"My brain was too tired to even think about how I looked." She chuckled.
"And yet." Samantha said quietly.
Santana's smile slowly dropped.
"That's your homework for today. Go home, and think about what happened. How were you feeling, what were you thinking? Something triggered this, and we need to find out what if we're going to really help you."
A/N: The next chapter will be the last one! So excited ;D